Issues within

I´ve been feeling pretty shit lately. Like I said on the chat, not like myself at all, There was something there, lurking about, some issue or other that needed dealing with , I just could not put my finger on it, until Adele came along and assisted on the chat it triggered supressed stuff that might be what is causing it so we´ll see what comes out.....

Childbirth - hmmm yes - theres a lot o shit involved regarding this within me.
it has not even occured to me until now that actually this needs to be looked at.

I had three ceasarians. of which only the third was a planned one, because after having two they simply would not allow you to "risk" a natural birth.

The first one was extremely traumatic. I was overdue, it was my first child, I was in the UK, had no family around me, no friends or support, and for me at that point, family would have been the support I "needed", especially my mum.
(I had to stop here for a while, because it makes me sob just writing that out...)
I felt so lonely in that moment, I was surrounded by people in the hospital, but I have never felt lonelier in my entire life.
I was afraid of everything, I feared death, pain, the uncertanty of having a child, if the child would be ok, the responsability of having a child, but I hid all o this inside. The relationship was already then not working, and I felt zero support from that side. Which ofcourse compounded all I felt even more.
On top of this, the natural birth I so desired, simply did not want to happen. I didn´t dilate, so it was decided that an emergency ceasarian would be done.
In this room with me was my husband and this nurse or midwife. I remember lying there in the early stages while she and my husband were infused in this conversation, which seemed very intense, it was like I felt "forgotten"as I was lying there. i almost felt like I was in the way, which in turn just underlined what I already then had realised about that relationship. Sort o one of the ultimate betrayals...pretty shit realization to come to when you are lying there about to give birth, and the situation is too far gone already..
The sequence of happenings from then on are a it blury. I remember this nurse coming in to shave my pubic hair, because they were going to put the cut as low as they could.
That would have been fine, and somethign I would not have remembered if it were not for her comment as she pulled my pants down to do it; Oh, I see you have shaved, didn´t leave much down there for us did you..?" And I remember going WTF??? did she really say that... it was patronising. here I was lying exposed and voulnerable, in pain,with strangers doing thsi to me, and she blurts out something like that. I didn´t say anthing. I was in pain, and the pain was getting worse. When that is over they put a tube up to drain the urine because when you get an epidural, as I was going to have you cant control that anymore.

When all this is done they call for the nurse who is suppose to stick the needle inside your spine. By this time I am in agony. And this is where it ges really shitty.
The nurse they eventually get there, is very young and very inexperienced. I am told to sit on the bed, swing my legs over to the side and bend over as much as possible so that she can put the needle in the spine in the lower back(you try doing that with a tummy that is enormous). I was in so much pain that I was getting loud at this stage. And the nurse was struggeling to put the needle right, she couldnt find the right spot. All the time the pain just got worse. She must have put that needle in seven or so times, failing everytime, and there is chaos in this room. There are lots of nurses, someone is wiping my forehead while I scream, it is agony sitting like this, and also the fear and frustration of her not getting it in. They try to call for a senior doctor, but have to stop it, he cant be found, so they wheel me in an put me under anasteathics. It is difficult to put into words exactly how chaotic and traumatic it was- even one of the midwifes started crying. NOT a good experience.
I didn´t feel like a fellow human being, I felt like I was worth nothing, like I was just a problem that needed to be fixed. I vaguely remember change of personel in the middle of it. I bet they were happy to leave.
My next memory is waking up as the nurse comes in with the baby. He is wrapped up in a white cloth, so i just hold him there close to me, happy it is all over.
Then the surgion comes in and tells me that he has accidentally cut the babys head, cut a piece o the skin o as he was doing the ceasarian, and he shows me (I hadn´t realized up until this point) that he has got a small bandage at the back of his head, and he peels it of and shows me, it is maybe two-three centimeters wide and its bleeding slightly. He assures me the baby is fine, and that it will heal. I do not function properly yet, Im still in shock and dazed.
The next day one of these hospital representatives comes to my bed, and talks to me about the event. I cant remember exatly what was said, but he would file a rapport. And that was it.

You would have thought that after that, knowing all I did, you´d never have any more children. Well that´s when human nature beggars belief, and it goes to show that nothing but mind was running my life:

Next time around I am told it is ok to try for a natural birth so I opt for that, BAD BAD BAD choice. And i get pissed off when I think about it, if they had read my files, i doubt they would have suggested that, but perhaps not all was put in it, I still do not know to this day what is written in it, I was adviced by a midwife not to read it - (hmmmm go figure!)
I get induced and I am lying there alone in this room, a different hospital this time. (I swore i´d never put my foot in the first one ever again). The pain is starting to mount, but I am cool, and they give me gas, which I hold on to like my life depends on it.
I am alone though, I lie there for a couple o hours. They try to call my husband, but no matter how many times i give the number, they never get through.
So I start experiencing this fear again. I soo would like the support there, anyone, if just anyone could come in and sit by my side. Just hold my hand, or just BE there. But I suppose they are too busy...By the time they do get a hold of my husband it is past midnight, and I im in so much pain that I am begging him to just get me out of it,..to do whatever it takes because I cannot cope with this. The gas is doing no good, and I am given a few shots of some painkiller that does not help at all.
I bite so hard on the mouthpiece to the gas that I brake that and a piece of my front tooth.
I have never ever before experienced pain like it, and if i ever do again, I´ll end it. I was begging for anyone to just kill me- get it over with - I really did not care at that point HOW it stopped as long as it did. it is impossible to describe this pain, no words can, it would have to be experienced.
Eventually they take me out to put me to sleep again, and I am so relieved. i beg them to hurry up - and I remember being lifted up on the operating table, stiff like a board litterally from the pain, and experiencing such gratitude because I know, in a moment it will be over.
I do not wish for any woman or anyone else on this planet to ever have to experience that pain. It is totally unacceptable. If I could have had God there then, if the son of a bitch had existed, i would have killed the fucker then and there!

The third time I go straight in for surgery. it is all smooth, apart from having serious trouble waking up afterwards, they had a struggle to get me back.
I remember being hooked up to this machine checking my blood pressure constantly, but I was in and out of it. I came to occationally when the machine alarmed the personell and they came running. This happened a few times. I had a drain put in the wound which was connected to this bottle that I had to drag around with me. I spent five days in hospital,pumped full of morphine through my hand to take away any pain, for the first day or two. I remember having this button to press to up the dose a bit and I pressed that bloody button as much as I could.One day they came to remove the drain. When i got the question: "Do you want us to do it fast or slow?" I went oooh shit -noooo not good!! This is gonna hurt! If anyone on that ward was sleeping- I woke them up!!!!

So , in a nutshell - that is my memory of the childbirths i went through.
The scar is not big, but for years I had very sharp pains from it. They claimed it was because of scar tissue underneath the skin. I am still aware of it.

I realise that apart from the physical pain, there is much more lurking underneath, such as the non existant relationship to my husband. And the total lack of support, as in emotional, unconditional unselfish support, and an attempt to put self in my situation as to understand and maybe assist in any way, but I was never gonna get that from him, and I knew that, I realized that the very first day when I knew I was pregnant and told him the news. i will never, ever forget the response and reaction. His answer to the positive test was: Oh FUCK! and then he swiftly turned around and started walking to his office. From that moment I knew that relationship was never going to be an assisting and supportive one, but then it was in my head "too late".
No , in fact, I knew from the very beginning that it was not meant to be. And i know the reasons to why I held on anyway, I´m not so sure he knows why he did, because I´d be surprised if he actually on a deeper level really looked at it considred our relationship to be what he desired in one...
Why do people stay in raltionships even though they know itll never work??
Why do you keep on trying, keep on hoping? You know within you, but you choose to supress that - thinking it´ll be allright, all will be ok - yeah right!

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to still contain memories of my childbirths and all the traumatic experiences that they entailed instead of releasing them and letting them go- by keeping them I am simply holding on to and living in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel worthy, not feel worthy of being loved for who I am unconditionally, and acknowleged for who I am as a person within the relationship to Chris not realizing that it was my mind needing all those things, me as who I really am do not need anyting or anyone outside of self since all is one and equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need a relationship in life to be able to function as a human being and to be content when in reality I do not need anyting outside of me

I forgive mysel that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear taking responsbility for me and my experiences and blaming anyone else for what I experience inside of me on something outside and separate from me - not realizing it is because of my allowances as my mind CONsciousness sytem that is experiencing this and not who I am as life as all as one and equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame anything or anyone else but my mind or all my experiences in the past on mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need my mother for support not realizing that my mother is a system placement in my life, created as all family, and friend manifestations to enslave and maintain belief of separation and inferiority and fear of loss- my mother is one and equal to me as life as all as one and equal as are all being in my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted fear or responsability in my life for me and of me and my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I can be lost, alone, separated, lose control, less than, unwanted, unattractive, lonely, sad, unhappy, regretful - only mind experience these - mind is a consciousness creation and not who I really am.
Till here no further. I am not allowing mind to control me or trap me wihtin memories.
I release all memories of my past since they were all based in and of mind and hence all illusionary . I am here. I am stable. I am life as all as one and equal.

FEAR - self honesty

I just watched Andrews vlog caught in the act , and I suppose it could have been me sitting there..(well in a way it was lol)

because I´ve now got this blog going, I´ve also started a similar in swedish about process, and it has run through my mind as well, you know, some of the stuff I´ve put up would be like a smack in the gob to those people in my life concerned, and that I suppose is what makes me have any reaction when thinking about ANYONE reading what I have said.



But then again, its not really possible to hurt anyone, since if you hurt, you know you are of and within mind...

I cannot feel bad about being honest, I have to be honest, I cannot be anythin else, anything less than who I really am.

And then I wonder, if on some level maybe Im deceiving me- as if there is this fraction within me that I might have missed, that is self deceptive, and that I haven´t got to yet, and then it would be deceptive to claim I am honest. I suppose that has got to do with self trust issues.

I also wondered to myself, well , to transcend this fear of family seeing my process in all its glory, surely the best and most effective way of doing that would be to tell them, and send them a link to the blog. But then, yes I transcend that fear, but is this not my ego wanting to do that? Since the very act that I have put my process in public, and anyone can see it, surely that is statement in itself and in that I should be able to transcend that fear.

Hmmmm- am I mind fucking myself here??
Simplicity is the key and yet I seem to manage to get it complicated:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my family or relatives will see my blog out of fear of their reactions and judgements and fear of loss we are all one and equal, life in equality and oneness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that the idea of family , friends and realtives is a construct of mind, created to enslave and maintain fear and dependency and hence it´s all an illusion and not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can forget, it is impossible for me as who I really am to forget anything

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to still allow fear within me - fear is an illusion - not real-who I really am can not experience fear

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow mind to tell me anything or to still influence me in any way - I am not my mind- nothing can influence me as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can complicate anything - all there is simply is - only mind can concieve complication

...to continue this evening...

Jealosy - mind **** galore

I just have to comment to self first; I cannot believe I actually used **** instead of FUCK!!
What is that all about - ?? lol

anyway - oh dear - this really is a roller coaster -
So far in this process I can safely say that it is the most difficult, demanding, rewarding, important, scary and exhillirating venture I have ever applied myself to.
Sometimes it slike I take one step forth and three back - but at least I am applying myself in process - no matter what. I am walking through this - and I might be bruised in all shades under the sun, but I will get through it - NO MATTER WHAT.

I got a lot of issues within that has come forth in the last few days, but mostly yesterday and today. So , I will go through them and release with self forgiveness:

Firstly I have to say that I feel physically as if I have been run over by a huge truck. I am dazed, aching in strange places, stiff, I can tell that my mind consciousness system is putting up a big fight and trying all it can to keep its grip - well it aint gonna work. I will not stop until it is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of Leila, Andrew and Ann , not to mention AMP's processes, since they are younger and will be more effective naturally and because of this I allow my mind to tell me that I will never make it, that they are soo lucky to not have had to go through what poor me has gone through and hence i feel envious instead of simply saying STOP! I do not allow my mind to control me or try to tell me I am anything less than equal and one to all beings in existence and that I accept me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel inferior to Leila, Andrew, Ann and Amp on the forum not realizing that this is simply a mind construct and not real we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept me, to not love me, to not realize that I am no more or less than any other being in existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry with myself for allowing such stupidity within me as to not simply stop all these thoughts , feelings and emotions once and for all and stop bloddy winging and just dedicate myself within process and get it done!

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that I might one day end up like trey, lost yet again and back to square one because that to me would be far worse than just dying and doing a much tougher process in the dimensions

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to still allow any fear, doubt, insecurity, judgement, feelings, thoughts, emotions, pictures, sounds, smells, tastes to have any affect on me what so ever or have any association to eachother in any way - they are all mind consciousness constructs and NOT REAL

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ego direct me by allowing it to want to get noticed, want support and affirmation, want to be heard, want to be seen, want support and assistance all the time, feel sorry for itself, feel let out without realizing that my ego is a major mind construct that I am deleting - erasing from within me and existance because that is not who I am.
Till here no further; I do not allow or accept any ego manifestation, any mind constructs or systems, any fear to direct me and control me in any way what so ever - I direct me as who I really am in oneness and equality in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of my breath and be in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get angry with me for allowing myself to get emotional when my son calls me names, because I apparently get hurt, and disappointed and believe him to not love me without realizing that this is not who I am, who I really am cannot ge hurt or disappointed hence only mind gets hurt

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to forget that my children are beigns just like me in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my mind go of on a trip where it imagines different outcomes should this and that relationship agreement be entered without realizing that is a major mind trip and hence I STOP it immediately. I am here - I direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated because Bernard and Sunette and dimensional beins knows exactly the "outcome" and whether we will make it or not in this process and hence see each and alls processes and how they unfold and in that I doubt myself and my process becaue perhaps I´m "fucked" anway but have to discover this on my own not realizing that it´s about self trust and my application and not to allow mind to tell me or direct me in any way. STOP the mind.

I am life as all as one in oneness and equality. I am here in every moment of every breath - directing me to stop mind and to birth myself as who I really am in the physical.
And so I am until it is done.

Relationships (of all sorts)

I dunno, felt like sitting down and writing some. There is so much really to write and so I suppose it´s a matter of just diving in there., peeling of as it were...
I suppose I tend to compare myself to the other guys in process as well, which ofcourse is really really pathetic and of mind, but still in some way it also pushes me to overcome any resistance I might have as I go along depending on what stage I am at..

I read the chat earlier where Bernard says that it's a good idea to put in writing how to go about in different everyday situations where you´d "normally as a system" suppress you or and your opinions, or tell half lies to keep "the peace" as it were , and at first I thought, well , is it not more of a test for me personally to see how I apply myself in the moment? It almost seemed a bit like planning how I would/should in self honesty behave - but ofcourse, it is more like a pre-tending to a moment so that I might transcend any embarassement or as to make a particular moment smoother for me in my process.

So, i thought about some biggies I will face, it´s just a matter of time:

Inlaws coming to stay for a couple of weeks.
First within me check for any reactions of thoughts, feelings and emotions, whatever comes up within regarding them and then apply forgiveness until i am equal and one and clear.

Secondly: what points do I find "difficult" when they are here.

1) They always tend to "take over". As in, this is my domain, my house, where I live my life with the children as we like to live it, and we are content here, with how everyday life moves along.
Now, with taking over I mean stuff like;
Insisting to do all the dishes, after every meal. You might say, oh, that is very nice of them, but no, in my opinion I am "chased" out of the kitchen and told to go and do "my thing" while they clean up.
I have always in the past just humoured them, but boiled inside. It is very patronizing, and then I go, but ahh, WHY do I perceive anything to be patronizing no matter who it comes from?
Clearly I have not placed mysel as equal and one to them....
Also, instead of "humouring" them I could simply say what I feel and experience:

a)Actually, I would prefer to do the dishes. You are here visiting and can go and just relax after dinner, or do whatever you like. You are guests here for these to weeks. So I would really appreciate if you would leave the dishes to me.
(no matter what I say really will be met by disapproval and some sort of "nagging" game to make me comply with their wishes)

perhaps it wouldn´t be soo bad if the dishes were actually clean....most o the time I have to redo them, because I dont particulary like eating on half clean dishes...
So, ofcourse I could say,
b) listen, I prefer to do the dishes , I appreciate that you are offering to help me, but really, I prefer doing this.

or I could say:
C)
Ok, from now on I do the dishes since I have notice they are not as clean as I like them when you have done them, and also, I prefer to do the dishes when I am at home.

Ah. the bloody joys of everyday life with other human beings...

I suppose common sense would be to direct the situation effectively and to the point based on the expression that best would support oneness and equality..
So out of these three I suppose that I will choose a.

Secondly, the father inlaw has got a tendency to stick his nose where it does not belong. And that can be in any situation, such as me and husband having a discussion about whatever subject, he will then make noices at apropriate moments of dissaproval, mostly towards somehting that I have said, and that I find utterly unacceptable but still I allow it.
Last time they were here I cleared some of the air, and told him I´d prefer if he kept his comments and or opinions to himself since anything being ventured was between me and husband.
He managed to grunt something about blood being thicker than water (HA separation personified) but at that point I didn´t go in to the separation part.

So, next time he grunts when me and husband are having a dicussion I will just stop and simply say:
Listen John. I would appreciate if you did not make any noices of approval or disapproval during mine and Chris discussion since this has got nothing to do with you, but is a matter between the two of us as a couple. if you find that difficult to do, I would appreciate if you could leave the room.

Also to be aware of any reactions within me should this occur again and simply forgive and clear myself before I speak.

And then he has got a tendency to seem to take for granted that he can do as he pleases when it comes to seeing things that needs doing, it might be something that needs reparing, or it might be something that he sees would be better to do this or that way and then if you are unlcuky simply do it without your knowledge, if you are lucky he will state that this surely is the best way o doign a b and c and get grumpy if you happen to be of another opinion.

Now , I am a person who knows what I want. I know what i like and what works best for me.
I sort out problems on my own, build and mend as and when needed and I am effective in getting things done and determined when I have made a decision. I am relaively strong, and I can take care of myself and all that this house entails. I do not need a man of any sort to "help me out" in situations where he seems to allocate a certain job as a "mans job"
In my view - there is no such thing. I am a being - and so is he - and hence we treat eachother equally. Not so with this particular being.

There has been many occasions where >I simply leave him there muttering about something, and needing a screwdriver for this and that - I ignore him, and when I get the opportunity simply fix it myself. In that I have in the past been hoping that he will then see, as it is obvious I can take care of and am perfectly capable of making my own decisions and actions in life - but oh no - will never happen.

it is easy for me to simply go, oh fuck it. Seriously, I can do without this sort o person in my life, WHy allow it.

But I have to realize that we are all one and equal. And even though I find great resistance within me towards even trying more than I have done to allow him to apply common sense and look at why he is allowing himself to be in such separation to all around him , unless you happen to have a dick betwen your legs, I have to face it .Not only do I have to face my own resistance towards it, but also present him with common sense. because if I don´t well who will?
Even if he's nearing his 80's, that is irrelevant. Even though in the past I have tried to avoid it all by saying to myself, well, at his age there´s no way he´ll understand, the systems being soo ingrained - what utter bullshit i realize now.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate me from John and in that allowing myself to forget that we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to realize that any reactions I have towards John or anyone else is simply reflecting me and what I have allowed and accepted to exist so hence I take responsability for what I have allowed so that I can apply myself in oneness and equality in brutal self honesty in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in any way towards John no matter what and in that actually give my power away to my mind to direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it dosn´t matter anyway, fuck it, since this marriage is over anyway and it´s just a matter of time beore I don´t have to see him again, or at least very rarely knowing full well that this is a point within me I have to come back to unless I direct it effectively in self honesty and in oneness and equality no matter what

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to try and tell me that it is too cringy, embarassing and scary to face anyones system head one

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to actually believe that such a thing as cringy, embarassing and scary actually really exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to take others feelings into consideration in my process and application and in that allowing myself to forget that actually any feelings thoughts and emotions that might be invoked in that other being is in that case simply their mind CONsciousnesssystem and hence it needs to be treanscended and removed

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear anyting or anyone and in that allowing myself to forget that fear simply does not exist - it is all a major mind fuck illusion

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted mysel to think of John as a stuck up, self important, stuck in his ways, annoying, selectively ignorant, selfish, lying, twofaced, deceptive, backstabbing and stubborn old man in that not realizing that for me to see that in another being I have to know of it, so hence he is mirroring me - and that makes me shocked - to really face exatly what I have allowed and accepted to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in creation of human beings behaviours of total separation and in that feel immense shame, regret and sadness

Till here no further:
I do not accept any influences by mind and minds'consciousness sytems as we as ll as one actually have allowed to be created and to exist without realizing that in that separation we have totally and utterly lost control o everything. We are not worthy of being creators. We are not worthy of life. I do not accept mind to have any influence on me what so ever.That is not who I am.
I am life. I am oneness and equality as life as all as one and equal. I direct me. I am here. I am breath. I am

hmm i wonder if that is "empty " now or i I´ve just scratched the surace---since I can even ask that question I suppose it is the latter--------hmmmm

Self Forgiveness 26th Jan

Ok - these last couple of days has been a bit turbulent - as in revealing to me some points within me that I need to clear. Not easy to push through some of these, but I have to otherwise I will simply not be applying myself so I push and push myself no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to defend any of my self forgiveness applications to anyone, this is my process to birth self as all as one and equal - hence no separation

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted any reactions within me whatsoever no matter from whom and regarding what since any reactions, thoughts , emotions and feelings are of mind and are illusions - not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that the perception of the lack of understanding from another being simply is because of difference in programming - in reality we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get frustrated with Trey for not realizing that my self forgiveness applications are reflecting me and hence I apply myself accordingly to transcend that point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even contemplate not publishing my brutal self honesty applications out of fear of others reactions , perceptions or misunderstandings since it is all based on mind if any reactions arise within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contemplate being subject to any manipulations by mind - I am NOT my mind. I am here - I am me - I am life as all as one and equal in every breath of every moment - it is impossible for me as who I really am to become or feel manipulated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even contemplate not putting out ALL the forgiveness applications i wrote down last night regarding this issue, because I allow my mind to tell me that "I am done with this particular issue and have done enough self forgiveness" and also because of some underlying fear I am allowing regarding this - I do not accept or allow my mind to direct me in any way what so ever

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become frustrated with Trey for taking my self honesty and self forgiveness applications personally and hence allow himself to be of mind - instead of applying himself and apply forgiveness so that he can transcend this point as I am applying me to transcend it

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from Trey - we are all one and equal in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel wrongly accused for something that was not intentionally meant to hurt anyone in that forgetting that only minds can get its feelings hurt - who we really are cannot become hurt or feel

Till here no further:
I do not allow or accept any feelings, thoughts, emotions, fears, judgement, separation, worries, concerns, regret, guilt in my life or within me - that is not who I am.
I am life as all as one and equal. I remain here in every moment of every breath. Stable - constant - eternally, as all as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I was asking too much of my daughter today when wanting her to stay at the party alone with her brothers, wanting her to stay there and not be so dependant on me, hence feeling regret and guilt about her tears not realizing that this is a mind CONstruct that is in placement for enslavement to the systems as to remain and keep us in control by fears

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear, regret and feel guilty - in that forgetting that these are all mind constructs and hence not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there won't be enough money for some major bills this month and in that forgetting that I am defining me by money by allowing that fear instead of realizing that it is a manifestation created to install fear and to keep me enslaved and controlled by the system

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to dread what is ahead in my process without realizing that I allowing mind to control and influence me and hence support mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated by Anita after her coming to the party even though her kids have got a tummy bug - which to me was irresponsible since there are the potential of lots of children becoming ill - not realizing and totally forgetting in my self deceptiveness that these illneses are system based, and is of support to remove systems
and that i am as guilt as any human being or allowances within our so called reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for the mice that Simba has killed - and for getting angry at myself because I realise that these mice gets killed and suffer due to mine and all human beings allowances of our own creation of separation

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted my mind to tell me that certain males are attractive and potential boyfriend material instead of immediately stopping any such thoughts since they are of mind and totally illusionary

Till here no further. I do not accept and allow my mind to direct me, place any thoughts or feelings into my head of any kind. I direct me. I am here.
I do not allow my mind to have any influence on me what so ever.

Bloody church hymns..

Ok - so yesterday, for the first time after christmas we went back to the "family choir" thing.

I just know that it wont be many more times we will be attending. At first it was fun or the kids to get together w otherkids, sing a bit (although it is run by the church so many of them are hymns for kids)

I sat there today thinking, damn - i do not think I can deal with this anymore.

The kids are running heywire anyway, it´s late in the afternoon and they´ve had a long day. You try to ask a child to sit still then and sing at that. One of the boys didnt even wanna go - so we will find something other music related to do.

I can´t continue with the bullshit it entails any longer. It´s a waste of time.

But then I had a thought, Im standing here face to face with this bloke, whom is clearly a christian to the core. I am looking him in the eyes, and I do this in full awareness of what is going on, how fucked he is in his beliefs, and that no doubt his life will contain a lot of hardship in times to come because of those beliefs.

And then I asked myself, when the day comes, will i be able to look him in the eyes without shame? Shame because I knew but never let him in on it. Because I was so certain within my mind that he would not ´get it´and lable me as posessed by some evil entety, and probably think I am mad. So I let my mind direct me then?

Because if I were free of mind, I would not even consider not having a proper talk to him about it, and just present him with som real "reality"..

Isnt this process about applying me in self honesty in every moment of every breath no matter what?

So why is it that i perceive it do be soo difficult to push throuh this particular one

Because o fear, fear of being hunted for it, judged, labelled, looked upon as weird and mad, and worry that the children might suffer because of it,'.

All fears.

So at what point do we all apply self honesty in application of every moment of our lives?

Brutal it is indeed....

I for´give myself that I have allowed myself to fear talkign to the choir leader about the fucked up religion he is indulging in and what his allowances are busy supporting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to tell me that it would be wrong to puncture his little bubble, after all who am I to try to "put him right" or rather let him see /allow him to wake up. In that totally forgetting that actually - should I instead allow it to continue , allow the self dishonesty and the deception. Would that not be the ultimate deception?!

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to dodge the responsability o others in my life and their personal process by trying to find ways of getting around it so that I can somehow present it to them but not do it face to face out of fear..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue allowing fear in my life when I know full well that fear DOES NOT EXIST

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow anything stand in the way of my process after all I as all as one has accepted and allowed, how can I do anyting but apply mysel in every moment when there are beings enduring suffering in every moment until this process is done

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become emotional when other beings do not apply themselves and dedicate themselves 100% to this process no matter what because noting can be more important since it is litterally a question of life and death, but not all seem to get this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still continue having thoughts, feelings and emotions and let those direct me instead of me as wo I really am , in onness and equality to all direct me and apply me accordingly so that we can all start living

Todays Forgiveness appl

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have any thoughts feelings or emotions while speaking to C.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue in this loop called relationship instead of just cutting the line entirely now since it is inevitable this will never become a realtionship based on oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have attachments and ties, emotionally towards family instead of realizing that we are all beings, equal to eachother, and that a marriage is nothing but a system contruct to enslave

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that Trey is a massive ego system that comes out with a lot of ego bullshit and that he hides behind that instead of just allowing himself to be

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate me from Trey not realizing that he is mirroring sides of me witin me that I need to realease and forgive to be able to transcend

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to forget that Trey is assisting me - as we are all assisting each other and that we are all one and equal but in different yet the same process

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to worry that I might hurt Trey as who he really is by saying this, in that forgetting that if Trey feels hurt, it´s his mind that hurts, and hence I´ll assist him in pointing that out as he is doing with me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get angry at Rick for eating food made out of blood, and in that actually not applying himself no matter what in the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated and angry at people who are not dedicated to their process and actually PUSH themselves in application but chickens out to the systems - totally unacceptable not realizing that I do the very same thing myself at times and end up in a loop

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to even contemplate not publishing this forgiveness out of embarassement over what I have written

I forgive mself that I have accepted and allowed mysel to feel embarassed, angry, frustrated - knowing full well they are all mind creations and not real at all, hence I STOP , apply forgiveness and continue walking.
Till here no further:
I do not allow any thoughts feelings and or emotions to direct me.

I d i r e c t ME. I am here. I am free.

School system or systems

Ha this conversation over the phone today after I sent the vids about school posted on the site:

C: I saw the vids you sent me...
Me: Ok - ?
C: Well, the first one was just a conspiracy theorist again (everything he sees or reads that threatens his "world" in any way is labelled conspiracy, and he does not comment on the second vid)
Me; I don´t agree. Just look at what is being said. Isn´t it obvious that the schoolsystem isn´t working and never has done? The way it is run in its entirety is horrific, I think that´s what they want to convey here...
C: Common. Theres nothing wrong with the school system, it is very important to et an education and have a foundation to stand on...
Me; in this world yes, where the only thing that matters is survival. Haven´t you ever questioned that, did it never seem mad to you? Are you happy with this system ?
Me: I can vividly remember sitting in school, in history class at around 13-14 wondering why the uck I was suppose to memorieze who were king in this country 1600 somethin? What use is that info to me???? In my opinion the only thing that matters here is for the governmetn to produce little robots that do as well as possible in the system we call society. Not once is the individual considered, you are an it to the system, not a person. Surely something is very wrong?
C: Silence...
Me:No- ? So I am not stating that all schooling is fucked and should not exist, ut that changes have to bemade. The most important thing to learn in school is to read and write and o maths. Anything else was a complete waste o time to me..
C: So how would you ever et a ecent job if you didn´t have any eduaction?
Me: Well , have you never asked yoursel why everythin is as it is? Do you ever question why the society is built the way it is and that we have to struggle to survive? Or are ou happy in it, because thats what you know and have been taught?
C: This is just silly. Common....

And so it goes on. The bottom line here is that no matter what subject we discuss - we end up arguing. I allow mysel to get frustrated that he does not allow himself to OPEN his eyes.
Presented with common sence he refuses to see that common sense.
So I point this out to him, but i´m met with silence.

And then I get told: Why do you swear so much when you talk? You never used to...
And I say: Hmmm since you point it out,you react towards it..why, it´s just a word I use in the mometn...i you have problems with the word uck perhaps you should look at why. Thats not my problem..
He says: Well, you could have said; the education systems leaves much to be desired, but you said the education system is fucked...so you could expres you diferently.
I say: Yes, but this was me in the moment, if I wanna use FUCK i will use fuck.

These conversations are so silly, that it´s almost like I kick myself or being so daft as to enter them at all, when I know the outcome. Perhaps it´s the idiotic idea that he might just might one day wake up....but that is probably a major mind fuck anyway.

So yes, i am busy having conversations to the systems. I suppose I am the stupid one for actually thinking that a system can aply common sense.

Also oriveness on any or all physical experiences I had while talking to him, that usually entails a sort of strange shivering- all to do with my allowances and system placements regardin him and the past. Much to realease still...

No meat please

I got family coming in April, who are MASSIVE carnivores.
And they are the kind that actually thinks that meat - is mans given right to eat- it´s natural for these people (and then you wonder why there´s wars in the world?!)

Now, I´ve made it clear that I am no longer cooking meat for anyone. I refuse to go out and buy a piece of another being that has sufered immensly and been treated like nothing to prepare for them and in that support the separation and the lack of self honesty in application.
So that seems to have been accepted, even though there had to be some grunts just to make sure that I got that that was a pain in itself for them to have to endure.

And then to the question about children. Well, since I used to be a meat eater , before I had some realizations, the children has had meat in the past, and still get it in school. So the transcision here will take a while for them.
When you are then in a situation where one is vegetarian and one is a carnivore, then what message are you giving uyour chilren? I wonder what goes on in their heads with this.

One the one hand you´ve got mum saying that eating meat is totally unecesary and that since I would not like to be killed and eaten just because someone liked the taste o meat, then why should i do that to another being? Also touched the subject of how animals are treated and slaughtered and that there is no difference between you or them apart from the body you happen to be in. Common sense to me - but then they have a dad...

Who is displaying perfectly that for him meat is ok to eat, even though he knows exactly what that entails, but choses to continue eating meat and in that supporting it.
How confusing that must be for a child! There is a massive divide there, and ofcourse, the biggest problem here for me is the total lack from the carnivore to see the greater picture, but to chose to shut down, instead of having a few realizations about life. That is not good at all. And that is supportive of and creates separation.

So - I´ve gone so far as to say that this is a huge issue. because right there is the divide in chosing self honesty as all as equal and one which is the only way for us all to have a future, so in refusing to face you and what you are allowing, instead hiding behind all sorts o redicilous excuses , when there really are none, you do not realize what you are losing.

I cannot accept or allow any of that sort of behaviour any longer in my life. I do not want any meat consumed in this house any longer. We have to take responsability and do what has to be done.- Why can we not instead make this change and in that actually together find new ways of enjoying food.

So I wonder what will happen if I say: Noope, I do not accept any meat inside this house. Would they go back home? Would they fight? Most certainly yes. it would get very ugly. Will I shut up about it? Hell no. I will keep bickering and annoying them about what is on their plates, until perhaps one day they´ve had enough and actually starts thinking about it.
WHY the fuck should I allow that in my life?

So bottom line is, husban does not really get the debth and severity of this divide and separation.
he does not understand the ull implications of what he is doing, whereas to me it is perectly clear, and he does not allow himsel to apply common sense in his life, no matter what issue, but seems happy to live in his little bubble, where everything shoudl remain very much the same and he can continue supresing and allowing hismel to be blissully unaware..
Well, if he wont listen - then maybe he will see through events unfolding - events that are inevitable due to him refusing to face himself.

it is like being married to someone who is so fucked over by systems that you cannot make any common sense to come forth or sweep through - perhaps it´s all gone - total system override there.

That only leaves me with one option and that is to up and leave. I cannot allow anyone to remain of old, that has to go. We have all got to take responability for ourselves, there is no way out of this one. So - april will be a death and rebirth month for me. I look at it as my rebirth- because my self honesty point is then there straight in my face. I am not gonna fall again.

Ive got issues with Egypt

Ok - this one I grant is very strange. It´s strange to me as well, but egypt for me,ah i dunno - it stirs up a lot of shit inside me so i will try to get deeper into it to realease this mind construct:

I forgive myself that I have allowed the word egypt, and all that entails such as the pyramids - all the histroy around that era to make me angry - REALLY fucking angry - and in that allowing myself to get confused since I cannot again with rationalize or make any sense of it, instead of simply realizing it is my mind that has created some sort of illusion regarding this and hence I react - who I really am cannot react - reactions are mind created illusions

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted mysel to associate egypt with corruption, enslavement, death, fear, hate, violence, abuse, starvation, mystery, money, power - all of which supports and maintains separation and deception - what stands for asolutely everything we are not as who we really are of oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon those monuments as a reminder of something horrific - that instead of being allowed to stand there should be removed

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear the pyramids

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that its all deception, that the real truth behind it is suppressed and kept from the public

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted mysel to HATE history as I was taught it in school since it was and is obvious that it was all bullshit - and that you are never told the truth in school because this world and the systems are based on separation

I forgive myself that I have allowe and accepted myself to allow myself to have any reaction towards anything or any subject - since I am fully aware it´s all mind consciousness constructs and not who i really am

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get irritated by people who are fascinated by egypt and all that entails because I then think they are ignorant and stupid - clearly it´s all bullshit and a major mind fuck - and in that i actuall judge others as me - and forget that we are all one and equal and that only mind have reactions of any sort

I forgive myself that I have allowed my mind to yet again direct and control me insetad of M E taking charge and controlling me as all as one and equal in onness and equality in every moment o every breath.

Till here no further: I do not allow any thoguhts feelings or emotions of mind to inluence me as who I really am in any way what so ever.
I direct me. I control me. I do not allow any separation, deceit, fear, doubt judgement in my life.
I apply me in self honesty and self trust of every mometn of every breath.

hmmm I can tell I´ve only scratched the surface here - will work more on this until its gone - but Ill do it in bed- this chair is hurtin my rear - or is it the other way around...lol

Todays Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to worry about the two women coming to work and feeling uneasy because I haven´t met them before and then my mind goes of on one of it´s trips

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted my mind to take me on any trips or direct me in any way

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysel to base the worry of these to women on my own allowances to feel insecure, not good enough and that they would inevitably judge my work, that it would not be good enough, and even if they kept saying it was excellent, i still in my mind thought that behind my back they will proably talk shit about me and the truth will come out

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to hide what i do for extra cash since it is considered by many to be a shit job

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to distinguish one job from another rather than realizing a job is a job - to be able to survive in this fucked up world

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge cleaning jobs as one of the lowest you could possily get

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to actually believe I am no good, useless, a nobody and not worthy of anything instead of realizing that this is all mind illusions - so hence I stop immediately when such thoughts occur - apply forgiveness and breathe

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to worry about my own self expression, whether it is influenced by mind, perhaps so subtle I cant tell or if it really is a true expression of me as who I am because sometimes I suspect I miht be hiding me behind a perception of being cool or funny - and then allow insecurity instead of just being me as I am as all as one in breaath and trust me in every breath of every moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow mind to try and overcomplicate my process - when it is all really simple - self honesty - self trust - self forgiveness - and corrective application - mind does not understand simplicity so hence try to fuck me over

Till here no further: I DO NOT allow my mind to control, influence or complicate my process
Who I really am cannot be influenced in any way shape or form UNLESS I allow it to.
I direct me. I am life - I am free. Here in every mometn of every breath in onness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react towards the driver who orgot to tun his headlights of and hence blinding me by etting anry at that driver and calling him a fucking idiot, instead of remaining here, as who i really am, in breath and sel honesty and practical application where situations liek that in reality cannot afect me at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from that driver or anything or anyone in my life instead of realizing we are ALL one and equal and that I actually too forget to turn my headlights of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take much for granted in my life, sometimes forgetting that we are all one and equal, and realizing that by not allowing myself to be in awareness I am actually deceiving myself and supporting separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still let mind tell me that the woman at the cashiers has changed towards me in our local store, she used to be really friendly but something has changed - instead of realizing that such thougts are mind illusions - so hence I stop immediately and apply forgiveness and then practical application so that the next time my mind is about to go off on it - S T O P , breathe, and walk.

The subtle divide between self honesty and self dishonesty

I was sitting here reading back on my posts, and had a few realizations.

This process entails the dedication of self to live and become self honesty in application of every moment of every breath. Of realizing who we really are in oneness and equality, so that we can stop this current hellish reality and eventually all realize ourselves and create a reality where all can express ourselves as who we really are in oneness and equality.

So - it is to apply self trust and then practically apply self honesty in every moment as we walk through our lives, no matter what.
And that is precisely what most find difficult. Because it is to actually always consider before acting - ok, now before I apply myself or say what I was going to say, does these words I am about to express support life as all as equal and one or not? Just to make a stop here before participating is something entirely new for most people.

And then there is the issue of what does and does not support oneness and equality??

So. here I apply self trust, and common sense, and then "check" that to see within me wether what I´m about to do is of mind and will support mind or if it is ok, and supportive of life as all as equal and one.

But then there seem to be layers here. So brutal self honesty is exactly that BRUTAL!
I have noticed that when I am writing a self forgiveness application, my mind tends to sometimes very very subtly "hold back". as in, well threre is this little issue here that applies to this situation, but its so minute that well leave it out shall we, because after all, it does not really affect the sitation as such, you have gotten the basics of it....an this little inner conversation by mind to mind is done in a millisecond ofcourse. So subtle that you could easily miss it at first glance which is also deceptive because it is impossible for me as who I really am to miss anything that goes on inside me, who I am is always totally aware

So all along, deep inside I KNOW what is going on, and its so very "easy" to ignore that and listen to the subtle mind fuck that is going on in that very moment, probably cause its so ingrained in us that we hardly notice it. Habitual.

I am guilty of this, and it just dawned on me that it is actually happened here in this blog of mine, and its totally unacceptable. Its like my mind is trying every way it can to trap me into old patterns of self deception and the obvious self destruction thereof.

Well , HA! I own up to it and I stop it now, immediately.
No half meassures, all the way in totallity otherwise it is useless. Ill remain in a continuous loop of self deception and never ever get out.

So, here goes>

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted my mind to try to subtly influence me when I apply self forgiveness so that some issues are "forgotten" or omitted as long as the main core of the issue comes out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to try to hold back in my forgivenessapplication due to fear, deeply ingrained fear of what might or might not happen if Im actually BRUTALLY self honest / forgetting that that is an illusion in itself - nothing can "happen" to me unless I allow it to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to have any influence or control over me what so ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "beat" myself up over the fact that I havent acknowleged this before since it must have occured since the start and now I get really angry and frustrated because that means I am on square on again, and have to look at all and everything in my life to see if there was or is deception hidden anywhere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to omit or decide to simply not publish some of my forgiveness applications due to fear of others peoples reactions and the consequences thereof / all illusionary and mind deception / mind fuck galore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind can control, deceive or influence me in any way what so ever / mind cannot direct or control me in any way UNLESS I allow it to

Till here no further>
I do not accept my mind to direct or try to influence me in any way what so ever.
it is impossible for my mind to deceive me because who I am as life as one and equal simply cannot be deceived. I do not accept or allow any lies, half meassures, deceptions, excuses, avoidances, embarassments, fears to direct, inluence or control me in any way. I am life. I direct me. I am free. I am HERE, in every moment of every breath...

further sel forgiveness corrections to past posts to come

ANGER - Frustration - sadness

*This is one of the omitted self forgiveness applications I wrote this morning after allowing my mind to trip me up in emotions, thoughts, and feelings..not a "pretty" read*


Fucking bloody fucked up damn bastard hell - damn - fuck uc k FFFFUUUCKKKK

I am so fucking angry right now I could explode.



I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to snap and lose my patience with my children, and subsequently be as guilty as anyone to shout and scream because NOONE ever fucking listens. I can be talking to the fucking wall all day and get a better response.



WHHHHYYYYYY?? is it that I can never seem to have peace and quiet. That nothing is ever ever ever the way "it should be"??

Why do I lose me?? Why do I feel like the bloody world is on my shoulders, and noone and nothing shares the shit with me??



I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to shout at my dauhgter to stop kicking her brother after asking her to stop it for the eleventh time and in that actually giving my power away to my mind, and allow it to direct me, and become emotional an frustrated and then experience guilt because in that very moment, it reminded me of my father, and all I experienced with him, and then I am in disbelief that I could allow me to lose me



I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so fucking angry at C for never ever ever ever ever fucking being there to support an assist me as he is supposed to since we have got cildren together, and I get angry and frustrated because not a fucking soul understands wat it is really like to be in a relationship with no support, no asssitance what so ever



I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get so fucking angry at is parents for being in such total ignorance to what their son really is like, they have got no fucking idea, and if they did, the shock of it would probably kill them since they are separation personified - one ness and equality is a concept they will only get once they die



I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get so pissing angry at me for entering this fucking relationship, for being so stupid as to actually get married and being so irresponsible as to have kids when the world is so utterly fucked up as it is



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for me no matter what, no matter who I am facing, because in not doing that, I am suppressing me and hence I create anger within instead, anger for not having the guts to be wo I really am, in one ness and equality no matter what



I forgive myself that I have allowed fear to control me and my life rather than me taking control of my life and directing me accordingly in self honesty in every moment of every breath



I forgive myself that I have allowed fear to control my life, fear of my father, fear of society, fear of loneliness, fear of poverty, fear of debt, fear of C, fear of death, fear of losing all I´ve got, fear of responsability, fear of fear, fear of life, fear of standing alone, fear of pain, fear of suffering, fear of authority, fear of facing me, fear of truth, fear of self honesty, fear of self deception, fear of walking the process, fear o violence, fear of consequences, fear of punishment, fear of losing my children, fear of losing the house, fear of money , absolutely all fears under the sun and in that totally and utterly orgetting that fear does not exist. It is a mind creation. Who I really am cannot experience fear- so fear is illusionary.



I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my self honesty because it will inevitably tip my world up side down, and one part o me is terrified and the other elated because self honesty and practical application in every moment is the only way out of this shit, and also inevitable for each and every one



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put blame on someone or something outside of me for what I am experiencing, not realizing that we are all equal and one, and that I experience what i allow in my life, hence the only one to blame is me



I forgive myself that I have allowed mysel to experience guilt for my lack of patience, for my allowances of still forgetting who I really am and falling into the mind consciousness trap with all that entails

The being called my father

This is inspired by you Fideli, and one of the toughest, self honest posts I have ever read. Thank you so much for sharing your process with us!! ( http://www.mydeadmum.blogspot.com/ )

I always for as long as I can remember hated my father.
He didn´t have any education, just took whatever job he could find and married my mother when they were both mid to late teens because she was pregnant.
In those day you did not get children without being married - God- what a sin that was. "What would people say?"
So, we all got off on a bad start I suppose. Poor as hell, they had three kids, wherea´s I'm the oldest.

I have to struggle to remember any affection from my father. He simply was not the kinda guy to show any feelings, more then his anger and rage, which was always very evident and always just below "the surface". So I was always terrified of him, and hated him for it all my life.

I have very specific memories of his beatings, his screaming, shouting, totally irrational behaviour, his drinking. He was a total and utter phsycopath who lost all control when he got angry. Add to that a very very short fuse.
And the memories I have are not always directed towards me per se, but towards the family as a whole, and in particular one of my brothers.

Since he could never hold a job for any length of time, god knows why, i suppose he ended up in some sort of dispute cause of the person he was, and then probaly got sacked, partly to do with the boozing as well. But as a result, there was never any money. Although I can't recall ever being hungry (much thanks to mums creativity), she has told me that we used to have nothing but sugar to have on bread, and most of our meals when young consisted of flower and milk conjured in different ways.

So thanks to my father we moved a lot. Never stayed long enough to make any friends, so was never rooted anywhere, and still very much the same all my life. I´d get restless, never had an interest in making any friends, cause I knew I had to leave them anyway soon. Not a very stable, safe and secure home.
My mother provided all the love, the stability. Without her, ive no idea if id be alive today.

There are some very specific memories that I have spoken to very few people about. it´s just not the sort o thing you bring up at the dinner table, and you have to feel you are among people who can take it, who will believe you (cause that has always been whats stopped me aswell, Im aware that some of what happened sounded pretty unbelievable for someone who had a "normal" family, so i never bothered) and who are strong and stable enough to hear.

I remember once my brother, who always got into trouble and always got beaten half to death for it, somehow had come home with a gun. yes, a real gun. This was back in the 70's in Sweden, you know, you simply never saw that sort of thing. And my father came home from work, and found out about this.
We lived on the seventh floor in this suburb to Gothenburg. I dunno, my brother can´t have been more than 9-10 at the time.
Ofcourse my father got furious, and in the anger of making my brother talk, and tell the truth, he opened the kitchen window, and held my brother in the air seven floors up threatening to let go unless he spoke.
I remember the terror like it was yesterday, and I can still picture it vividly. And I swear, at that moment, (I am two years older than this brother) I wanted to kill my father. I can´t tell you the horror I experienced. And how helpless I felt. And how I desperatly wanted to help my brother but simply could not.
All the time my father was shouting: answer me you son of a bitch, answer or I´ll fucking kill you, I´ll drop you. COM ON TELL ME!!!!!! Twisted face, spit flying about from is mouth..

Another very vivid memory is us three children having been just put to bed. We´re very young, this is pre Gothenburg and I dunno, perhaps I was around 7, six or seven.
We´re all in the top room, almost like the attic, and it is dark. And ofcourse, three kids together, we got a little bit giddy, and laughed a little, normal stuff like kids do. Then all of a sudden we hear his steps on the stairs and he´s shouting, : What the fuck is this all about?? I told you to go to sleep god damn it!! And he´s booming into the room. The fear I cannot describe, you are just paralyzed and you know you will get punished. So he forces us all to drop our pants. I remember vividly how embarassed i felt to be in front of my brothers being naked below, and he made us lie on the beds and started hitting us. I dont know, if the worse bit of that is the memory of it, that never ever fades, and that brings up the exact same emotions as then. That is the REAL punishment. I dunno - I´ve cried enough I feel, but still it is back to square on now. And I realize, that I have to stop it now. I have to get it out, and then forgive him and me.

The number of times my brother got the brunt of his anger, I have lost count. But it amazes me that my brother is still around! He could have so easily be dead, beaten to death.
He would beat him so hard from a very young age. And the sad ting about it is that this brother adored my father, despite all he did to him. he looked up to him, and would go up and ask "daddy, can you play with me, or show me what you do to the car?" (he always fixed cars) but he would get angry, and give him a beating for disturbing him instead.
So my father was terror personified. The ultimate anger system walking on this planet earth.
I have no idea how we all survived. he could easily have killed us all of, in one of his rages, that is perfectly plausible.

Sometimes mum will tell me sitations that comes back to her that she has suppressed. How he tried to run her over with the car when pregnant with me. His beatings, jealousy.
We all always had to tip toe around him. I always secretly wished he would die, or just never come back home from work. But he always came - and noting ever changed.

Despite all of this, somewhere inside I also longed for him to just be nice. To love me. Because he always hated me, all of us that was clear. And i never understood why, what we had done to deserve that. So I grew up hating me, because clearly I must be horrible since this happened to me.



So, as an adult, I never had much contact. And then he got ill with cancer and died.
By that time I lived in the UK, and sent him a card. A one liner saying somet like, I´m sure you´ll make it. Bye... I didn´t want to send him anything, but felt I "had to" like you do.
I never went to see him. So he died there. And to be honest, that was the best thing he ever did.
I went to the funeral because one of my brothers asked me to, do it for me Marianne, so I did.

So yes, I´ve carried masses of guilt regarding all of this towards my brother. Because he got most of the beatings, he was always treated differently it seemed, and someow let out of the family. Somewhere i felt I had let him down, that I could have done more.


And I swore never to treat any of my cildren like he treated me. Noone deserves that from a parent. A child should be loved and cared for. So I tend perhaps to be a bit overprotective instead.

Now is the time to end all of this. To end the loop of my cildhood and all that that entailed:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate my father and wish the same fate he gave us upon him

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my father even in death

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to look upon my father as the devil personified

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to kill my father because of all the suffering he put upon us

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hope that he would endure the very ting that we had to endure and experience the fear we had to experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty towards my brother for not stopping my father when he beat him even though at the time there was nothing I could do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somehow inside feel let down by my mother for not making him stop even though I know full well she feared the consequences just like I did

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not love me because I wasn't loved by my father

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself as not worthy to be loved or to experience love since my father never loved me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not realise that my father was a system, that I, as all, have accepted and allowed to exist due to our separation from life, from who we really are in oneness and equality and hence systems like these are created

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear all men due to my experience with my father and hence have an inbuilt protection just in case all men are the same

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that I somehow deserved what I got from my father, that that was all I was worthy of, that it was my own fault

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate me from my father, in that not realizing that we are all equal and one, and that my experiences are due to allowances we all have made, in not realizing who we really are, and wake up from this comatose existance we call life and realize ourselves

I forgive my father, because I realize that it was not my father as who he really is who did those things to us, that treated us that bad, but the systems, and the very essence of what we have have all in this existance accepted and allowed

Till here no further.
I do not accept my mind to conjure up memories and to live in the past with all the emotions, fear, regret, anger, guilt that that entails. That is not who I am.
I do not accept mind consciousness systems to have any control in my life or anyone elses life.
I am life. I control me. I am breath.
I realease all memories, picture, thoughts, feelings and emotions related to my father or any other being in my life.
I am here. I am free. I am me. I love me. I accept me. I am worthy - I am worth.
I am love. Eternal.

More irrational fears

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear making and creating blogs and apparently exposing me and dedicating me to share my process of self realization out in the open for all to see

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt myself and my abilities

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted doubt to exist within me when I know full well that it is a mind created illusion

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to consider myself not worthy of a blog of my own and to have thoughts like; who on earth would be interested in what I might have to share, it would just be too boring and I´m so ugly anyway noone will be interested and blogs are only for losers anyway - nerds who need to go out and "get a life"

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be worried and feel ashamed if anyone I know or a family member were to find my blog and hence judge me and who they thought I were because of it and then pay any attention or concern as to how they would react or feel in that totally forgetting that if someone experience hurt feelings, they are of mind and should apply themselves to their process

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to actually believe that there is such a thing as shame. Shame is a mind created illusion that supports and maintains enslavement and is not who I am

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to consider myself ugly knowing full well that is a beatuy system placement and an illusion

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to acccept myself

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being voulnerable, to fear being me

Till here no further.
I do not accept or allow any doubt, shame, judgement, feelings, thoughts or emotions, fears or mind illusions within me. That is not who I am.
I am life. I am here. I am free. I direct me.

When any doubts, fears, judgements,shame, thoughts, feelings, emotions and illusions presents themselves in my life I STOP. Immediately and remain here in the moment in breath.
Stable. Constant. In every moment of every breath in oneness and equality.

Fear and temper

Some forgiveness applications applicable to me today:
(if you are new to the concept of self forgiveness have a look at: http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2916 , that is just one article that touches the self forgiveness application. Also see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNhfkz7Aa0Q to name ut a few articles among many)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to worry about future events that are planned in my life and worry about the possible outcome of those events.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and acceptedmyself to worry about anything within me and actually believe that worry is real and actually exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seem to think that if I worry about it it makes the situation "feel" better and that it puts me in control when it is the exact opposite, I create a worry to worry about so that I can keep myself occupied instead of realizing I am the one creating this worry and that there is no need for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that it is impossile to stop worrying - only mind have beliefs and would believe such a thing - who I really am as life as one and equal does not worry.

Till here no further - I do not allow or accept worry in my life any longer. I direct me. I am here. I am free.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to lose my temper in certain situations and get irritated and agitated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that such a ting as temper, irritation and agitation actually exist when in reality it is a mind created illusion that I have allowed to have directive power over me instead of me controlling and directing me in oneness and equality in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have any reaction towards any situation in my life instead of me being aware of me in every moment of every breath and me directing me in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than mind since I have allowed mind creations such as temper, irritation and agitation have any influence on me what so ever.

Till here no further: I do not accept and allow temper, irritation, agitation or any such feelings, reactions and emotions in my life. That is not who I am. I am life, as all as one and equal. Who I am cannot become irritated , lose my temper or get agitated that is impossible.

I am here. I am life. I am one and equal to all in existance. I am here in every moment of every breath - stable - constant and eternal.

Religion anyone?

I´ve had so many discussions in my life about religion, I remember once my mom came to visit. She was brought up in a very Christian home. The kind where on sundays you were not allowed to work. You were to be silent, and just hang around, preferably listen to mass on the radio and feel generally guilty for apparently being such a sinful and "bad" person. As long as you lived according to the Bible, and prayed every now and again, you were ok.

It´s strange how people can end up within such illusionary constructs, and how they can get so lost in them that they actually believe them to be true.
why does noone ever wake up and see what religion really stands for?
It´s hiding behind something or someone who is apparently better than you, putting your responsibility for your life somewhere out there in someone else's hands, that tells you what to do and how to behave, and if you do it well enough you´ll apparently be rewarded for your dedication.
What an utter mind fuck literally that is! It would be hilariously funny if it was not so very very sad.

Anyway, we ended up in this discussion about God existing or not, and me claiming that he did not, that he simply could not, because look at it. How can there possibly be a God (or any other so called higher deity)up there with all that is going on here with abuse, murder, war, fear - no God worthy of being called God could and would ever allow such a thing. So common sense tells me that this God story we have been taught (by people who in turn have been told this fib) is utterly untrue. We´re all we´ve got folks.

I can understand that might have caused some fear within her. I don´t think that she dared give that any further thought. Because as usual, human beings lives are ruled by fear. You fear everything, you fear yourself, you fear death. Look at you - list all your fears - and you´ll have a shock. You fear getting ill - so you go to the doctor who gives you pills that you believe will cure you but really makes you ill, you fear aging, because apparently your nearing death then, and death is the ultimate fear, you fear losing money, you fear others and what they might do to you, you fear the future, you fear others judgment, you fear not being liked, you fear you´ll fail and not be good enough, you fear animals, you fear losing your job, you fear you´ll fail in school - have a close look and you´ll see it´s all fears.

So people fear everything. Never once asking, but hey, what is this fear?? WHY am i always in fear?
I´m fed up with this fear - what IS going on?
Asking that being the only way out. because then you´ll realize that fear only exist in your mind. It is something illusionary that you have created. Totally unnecessarily. Convenient in this reality though where all are controlled by fear. So fear generates fear - vicious circle.

And some have realized this, and use it to their advantage. So the best weapon to rule this world with , is fear. Very very effective. But only if you allow it to. If you allow you to not apply common sense in your life. And hence start asking yourself some fundamental questions.

Why am I and have I allowed this?
Why is it like this?
How did we all end up like lost little sheep scared shit less of ourselves?
What am I doing about it?
Who am I, really?
How do we stop it?
What is the solution to this twisted reality?

So religion, is one o the most horrific, uly, dangerous and corrupt creations of human kind.
Religion stands for murder, separation, wars, lies, deceit, fear - the list is very long.
All done in the name of God. When human kind really realizes this, we´ll hang our heads in shame or what we have accepted and allowed.

Little white lies

So - I´ve spent a few ours today trying to get the sound for the videos working. Dunno what I am doing wrong, but not there yet.

Managed to tell a lie today too. Yes, it´s easy to slip into old with that, old meaning, people tend to lie all the time. So called white lies, doesn´t matter what color you allocate them, their still lies, and self deception. So I´ve beaten my self up today. Lying in total awareness. could that be considered "worse" than an ordinary lie, or are all lies done in awareness? Ofcourse they are.

Totally unacceptable behavior. So I owned up and now I´ve got some self forgiveness application to apply for that, and then to make sure I do not allow any such behavior again:

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to lie to C about the reason for the video sound questions

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to deceive myself by allowing myself to not be honest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mind and mind consciousness systems to direct me in that moment of lying rather than me taking directive power and control over me and stop any such thoughts

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to by my allowance to lie support separation and hence not apply myself in every moment of every breath as who I am in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to out of fear of being judged chose to lie rather than face that judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by fear, knowing full well that fear is an illusion and not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on me for not applying myself in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall and in that forget who I really am and let myself down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others reactions to my forgiveness application because some might read it and not understand any of it and hence judge me in some way or another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still give a shit about what others think or do not think about me

Till here no urther:

I do not accept any lies within me or in my life that is not who I am. I am here. I direct me. I am life as oneness and equality as all as one.
I do not accept or allow any judgment, fear, lies, worries, guilt or regret in my life.

Forgiveness application

These will be coming daily - forgiveness applications.

In every moment of my life I apply myself so as to stop and gain control of me and direct myself rather than allowing my mind to direct me -

Self forgiveness is a tool for letting go of old and freeing self (have a look at www.desteni.co.za for in debt explanation)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear putting up a blog sharing my process of self honesty and self trust in application in every moment of my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to doubt myself and judge myself as being far too boring to put up a blog

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe I can be boring

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to actually believe there is such a thing as being bored or that it is possible to be bored

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear, doubt and judge myself.

Till here no further. I do no accept and allow any fear, doubt or judgement in my life. That is not who I am. I am life. I am here. I direct me.
So when fear, doubt or judgement arise within me in any moment, I STOP. Breathe and apply myself accordingly.

Hi fellow beingness - human - animal - plant - computer

This is my personal diary - my day as it unfolds in this process for all to see. My process of what?

My process of re disvocering who I REALLY am, of peeling of all the layers that I have become during lives on this planet for eons of time.

Because, there came a moment when I realized that I cannot go on like I have done, the world as it looks is busy simply destructing.

I had had enough - and when you come to that point - you start asking some serious questions within.

Why is it like this?

How come there is only misery - death and fear all around me, everywhere I look there are people and animals suffering?

Why?

Is this all there is??

Why are humans like robots - just walking living their lives, and nothing ever changes - noone ever asks questions - noone tries to find solutions or at least answers to WHY?????

WHY is everyone accepting what goes on in this world???

Just look at your own life up until now...

Have you ever given reality and life in general any thought? What do you experience when you see and read about children being murdered and abused?
Anger - despair??
What do you experience when you hear or see animals suffering?

Do you consume meat?? Have you ever given a second thought to that animal that was killed so that you could apparently enjoy it´s flavour?

What do you experience when you watch the news?

Because there is only misery. Only suffering - only pain...are ju accepting it?

By sitting there and doing nothing you're actually supporting it and saying it is ok....because turning a blind eye is actually not going to make it go away - will not make any difference more than allowing it to continue as is and that is unacceptable!

So, I will be writing here about my day, my realizations, basically what goes on in my life as I apply myself, dedicating myself into making a difference, to assit me and other beings to make a full stop.


A full stop is what is needed in this world. So I start with me, and I suggest you do to.


Lets share or processes and realizations! Lets stand up and take responsability for our lives and for all that we have allowed, because lets face it - humans are the guilty ones - we have created and allowed our own misery - now lets clean up the mess!