my journey of self realization

directing self and taking decision

2009-03-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

Directing self, taking self responsibility. making the decision to take self responsibility and then direct self.
What does it mean to take self responsibility?
It is to firstly realize the common sense in that we are all one and equal. The fact that noone is above or below another, no matter what physical body currently in.
Taking self responsibility for myself and all my allowances that has led me to this and my experience of myself and my world.
And directing within the starting point of what is best for all one and equal.

When you go through this phase, which we will all go through like it or not, in one way or another, you are initially confused because all your beliefs, all your ideas about what was real and how things were, you proof to yourself as you go along was nothing but illusions, and just that, ideas, nothing more nothing less. None of them actually real, or consistent, standing no matter what. That is a bit of a cold shower! And then you test yourself, because you will either accept this and then deal with all the shit that reveals within accordingly through self forgiveness or you will "shut down" and simply say, "nah, not for me, totally luney, I wont listen to a word".

There are similar "stages" that we all go through in this re birthing of self. and as you go along self trust starts to build, and stability. because as you apply self forgiveness, as you assist yourself, stability is noticed, the stability that is you and that has always been here but that you were too busy being miserable to notice.
This self trust and stability is and has been one of the most major parts for me so far. When absolute stability, absolute in self trust, there is nothing and noone that has any affect on you in any way whatsoever.

I have fallen so many times, allowed self doubt, self pity, regret, and I wanted to just not give a fuck. But I realized that wtf else is there? I cannot "go back" to the unawareness I used to live in, I cant go back to all of that, that was all self created and not real. So what else is threre? No matter what I do i will be here. I cant escape frommyself, no matter what. i cant run, id better start getting it done. And so you push through. You fall, and you stand. Until its all done, and we all stand here, in full awareness and self realization.

So far into this process I have had to make tough decisions, and I have had to do and act in ways which has requiered courage and self trust. I cant do what I used to and only think of what is best for me and the children, my family. I have to take all as one as equal into consideration, all I do has to be from that starting point. As soon as I do not, then I allow separation, one of the main allowances that has gotten us into this pit in the first place. Jack once said he had no "guidelines" no "map" to walk his process, and that is so for all of us. We can assist and support eachother but ultimately we are all alone. So, not to be hard on myself, to be patient, to remain here breathing, and keep on applying self forgiveness, I get it done.

I still got many points to release, and more reveal as I go along. But its cool. I am here. I will always remain here.

Walking through this, there is immense sadness for what we have done to ourselves, and all teh suffering involved that was the direct cause of it. All so unecessary, and none of it can be undone. We will simply have to keep on moving, because the abuse will not stop until we all stop.

experiences at the moment

2009-03-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

this experience I have had now for maybe a couple of days, must be crunch time starting. Its all compounding, and the "pressure" is intensifying. Mind is coming to its end, and its not gonna go down without a fight. I am done with fighting, all I can do is not get "caught" in the emotions and feelings but simply breathe through it all. I had a period prior to this which was all peaceful, calm, this also mirrored back to me in the children, no fighting, actually getting along, all was smooth. And now WHAM! The anger, frustration, pain, hurt is here, its all very raw, no wrappings just straight to the core. I realize that unless I actually focus on the breathing, it will be pure hell. I also started experiencing strange stuff, like hightened senses, also a "sliding" in my head, all going out of focus, the "platform" floating and moving, just for a moment. At the same time my physical body feels very "heavy" and very physical, lol
Say what you like about this process, but there is certainly never a dull moment

I am here, and I remain. I breathe. This will pass too.

interactions

2009-02-20T14:12:00.000-08:00

I have noticed something interesting within when facing beings in my world that is quite different towards how I used to experience myself and especially how others respond to me.
I used to be so shy, or rather hide behind the shyness. I used to feel extremely awkward around others, no matter who it was. Weird silences, looking for something to say, having contrived conversations about fuck all and saying stupid or irrelevant things. lol
So that each time I fucked up according to myself in those circumstances I only compunded it even more the next moment I was facing another being. So I used to dread meeting others, especially strangers. Wtf was there to talk about. I could never do that small talk, bullshit that others did about all and nothing. That was pretending, I couldnt do that and feel good about myself. And I hated myself enough as it was.

So beings tended to avoid me. I must have come across as very weird and "difficult". perhaps labelled as a bit spaced out and perhaps less bright then the average. And I was aware that this labelling was going on, but yet, felt I couldnt do anything about it, I couldnt see a way out of it. People were just talking bullshit, there was never any real communication, never any interesting productive outcome, I never felt that there was anything that would be worthy of any attention because it was all bullshit.

I always preferred to interact with people older than me. I felt a connection, and felt more comfortable because older beings tended to be more comfortable within themselves and had some life experience to draw upon. There was less bullshit, and maybe if I was lucky a conversation about stuff that mattered to me, life purpose, philosophies, life path, life experiences, sharing insights and finding new ones together. So the beings I opened up to, as much as I could open up were few and far between. Very few beings ever came "close" to me. I can count them on one hand. There was no room for bullshit, no time for babbeling crap, I never saw the point. Ofcourse I never realized I were as lost as the beigns i shunned and ofcourse talking as much bullshit as anyone lol

Beings didnt easily take a liking to be, I was always pretty dislikeable because I refused to be lulled into the bullshit and play along with the silly games. I was always the odd one out, in every way. Thre were moments i enjoyed this because it also served as a security blanket, I was left alone, and didnt have to play in those rediculous pretend social games.

As i have walked this process and continue to walk it I see and understand my behavior and I see the points and how and why I created this experience of me.
But I also notice that today I am at ease, not frightened, I dont fear others aproaching me and communicating with me and with this people approach me and open up very easily. It takes me by surprise still, the being will be there in a moment, and I experience myself stable, I speak what has to be said, and thats it. No awkwardnes anymore. No fear. Just moving about and whatever moment bring I deal with accordingly. I also noticed that the beings that do approach me seem so nice, so gentle lolol
The interaction and meetings with other beings is smooth these days, which is cool.

The other day I was approached by a lady that was a bit pissed of because she had a doctors appointment that day and the surgery had made a mistake and booked her in on a closed day. I explained this to her after walking out of the surgery having cleaned and she was just stood there all of a sudden infront of me. I calmy explained to her the situation and her anger diffused. She had taken the day of and driven quite a bit to get there, but her reaction was simply cool. She was actually smiling as she walked away to her car and we said good bye.

As I walk and accept myself, release the anger I have always carried and all my dislikes of myself that was always mirrored back to me, what is being mirrored back now is very different. its cool, I enjoy it. I enjoy me.

practicality

2009-02-17T12:27:00.000-08:00

My brother rang yesterday. Just a keep in touch call, the ones that I never make, even though it is always "my turn". I sometimes get an email from mum saying, "Are you still alive???" lolol
Its just that, if I dont have anything specific to say, I dont see the reason to call. Simple really, but considered strange by many.
Anyway, the conversation also ended up on the subject of me not having "a man", he said something on the lines of "well, when you have got a man again" , to which I reply, nah, I am not looking for a man, I dont need or want or require a man. No, I will not enter a relationship again. No matter if it is a man, a woman or any other being. Not a relationship but an agreement, yes, maybe. I didnt develop this point though.

He is not the only one assuming that I cant take care of myself, because clearly that must be what he is thinking. A lot of beings around me huffing and puffing because I am a single mother, but it is all their assumptions. They have noe idea really of what it is like or how we are experiencing it all me and the kids. We are doing just fine. The funny thing is that even when married I was always single, because I was always enterily alone in everything, I did everything then just as I do now. The only difference is that I am rid of a malfunctioning relationship that was totally destuctive for all involved. So we are doing fine thank you very much. No need for anyones concern. We enjoy ourselves and get on with our lives. I have had assumptions and opinions like "ohh, but I understand if you are tired, your single and goodness me it must be tough sometimes" Bullshit. My life is not tough, things are as they are. I could make it tough be allowing myself to be within that particular mind set but why would I?? That would be extremely stupid and limiting and self deceptive.

An agreement would be practical though. Sharing this process called life experience with another one and equal. I would thoroughly enjoy the brutal self honesty, the no bullshit, straight to it, all open no secrets, very cool assistance! Besides, there is always something heavy around here that needs shifting, always something that needs mending, always points being suppressed. it would certainly speed things up a bit! lol

moving in the matrix

2009-02-14T01:30:00.001-08:00

It has been an interesting week. Facing myself in all ways, always. I used to live as if I could take "brakes" from process, where I somehow perceived it to be something I could switch on and of. lolol Nope. Doesnt work like that. Within that I managed to create endless loops.

I have placed myself in situations where I would previously have done anything to "not go there", meeting strangers, having to be social, whatevever the fuck that means.
There is this immense stability though, where I will push myself and do whatever necessary, place myself wherever necessary and do what has to be done. The "core" of me is stable. Absolutely stable. And that is soooo cool. I know that whatever happens, whoever I meet, whatever anyone do or say, I still remain. I really do still remain. This stability is me.

So, the stability as me is here. Still self trust is not lived.
The following points revealed as I have expereinced this week>
1. Feeling "uncomfortable" around others. Feeling "out of place", sticking out. Literally as if you were picked up and placed on a different planet, where you are a totally different species and then to interact accordingly in this new environment. It is fascinating because it is such separation. Even if I wre on a different planet lol, then why would I be any different? Why is there a perception of not being one and equal no matter what. Ok, all are walking talking systems, totally alien to life, so am I somehow placing myself "above" others. Is there something still lurking with this. Why else would I experience alienation. Absolutely all is me, one and equal. All in exsistence. There is no difference. Now I face ALL of me, face all separation head on, face all the systems, and there are billions here!!!

2. Facing the mother matrix system within and as my mother. This was interesting. Every time we meet I see clearer what she is doing and why she is experiencing her the way she does.
She feels safe within her fears. She have created a world in which she is in constant physical and mental pain so that she can feel alive, feel as if she exists. Because she never could get the validation that she exist she will validate it through pain because of no self worth. This has become her entire life experience, to the extent she fears letting go of her self created hell and so will hold on for dear life. Refuse to see that SHE is responsible for it all , noone and nothing else.
I can see she is totally fucked within this. All I can do is remain here, stable, and assist if and when she directly comes to me. The solution is herself, its right here under her nose, but she refuse to see.

3.Images. Images I m ages. This is a point that is here , and that I still havent released. The obsessions with pictures, picture presentations. And its funny, because I have proved to myself that they are not real , I KNOW that its my minds interpretation of a reflection, within and as this reality, and still I somehow value that. That is an addiction. I have been addicted to my mind imagery for all my existence. And I have believed that it is a correct representation of life itself, the way it is. The images holds no value, all values are opinions and beliefs, made in separation. How can an image of any kind be valid or valued when its an idea. It is created within and as my mind through my eyes, and not constant, not something that will stand the test of time, so it cannot be real. How can any value or importance be placed in an illusion?! That is rediculous.

So, I got some "material" to work with here. A lot os self forgiveness points.

me as the body

2009-02-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

i used to be concerned and conscious about how I look, like so many, obsessed with the image of myself and the constant self judgment, self comparison and self loathing cycles this entailed. I was never good enough, never thin enough, never pretty enough, never funny enough, never interesting enough, never cool enough, never acceptable enough, never enough. This self destructive mode used to be an excellent method of denial and hiding from what matters and what is real - my allowed separation from life and the consequences thereof.

Until I realized this> I am life, as all as one in oneness and equality. A being incarnated into this human physical body for the duration of this life experience - nothing more nothing less. Any defintion made onto this human physical body is separation and self dishonesty because the physical body is the physical body, a physical body in the physical - thats it. Simple!
Why allow mind to run any programme that complicates, separates, compares, judges, places opinions on what is here, when this program is a program - not real. Why would I allow any of such limitation and separation?!! Why would life itself want or desire to limit itself? That is absurd.
Here is here, it doesnt need to be defined. I liberate myself from an imagined prison within and as mind of beliefs, opinions, ideas, perceptions of the human physical body. Unconditional self acceptance as life here, wlking the physical, experiencing the physical and re membering who i am as life, as all in onenes and equality. it doesnt get cooler then that! lol

2009-01-26T05:13:00.000-08:00

Today I had a meeting with one of the "teachers", or is it called "lecturer" at my local school. I had never met or spoken to him face to face, only a couple of short emails.
So, this person was totaly "new" to me.

As I was driving home I saw ver clearly the obvious way in which my mind works, this particular program running that occurs when my "personality suit" runs one of its system programs as follows.

Image storing > beings > faces >

Stand face to face with another being for the first time> system start > scan face, note the looks of the being in order to categorize
>categorization - look for files where similar images of faces occur >place into that file
>look at and initialize what is connected to this file by scanning for memories tied in with reactions connected to another being with similarities to new being and kick in - judgement, comparison
> check for other possible similarities associated with memories and reactions in the past, assimilate those and >
system recharge by experiencing similar reactions within towards " a partivular kind of being" whom in my past I have experienced myself towards

So then if this continues I get reactions within based on past ideas, definitions, reactions, experiences, memories allocated to this other now scanned being, which is calculated and categorized according to "personalities" that I have met or known in the past.
next will then come the "feeding" of the system which is all the emotions, feelings and thoughts this kicks of.

It was soo fucking obvious as I was driving home. I saw the whole thing from beginning to end. So S t O P. No more automatic system "kick ins". I direct myself here within and as every breath.

This was cool though, it allows me to clearly see the systems so that I can deal with them accordingly.
Fascinating systematic behavior, and its so obvious.
SF to follow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as soon as I meet another being as me that I havent seen with my human physical eyes I allow a program to run which judges and compares this being to other beings I have met in my past of which I have had relationship to or with or merely just seen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind create images of the beings I have not met in the physical dependant on what they sound like or how they express themselves in words although the manifestation the being is currently in is totally and utterly irrelevant to who that particular being really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop this programmed reactive habitual behavior when meeting another being in the physical or communicating with the being in any way - only mind desires wants and needs images and pictures, I am not limited to my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self aware when meeting another being as me in the physical for the first time instead of simply remaining here within and as breath and direct myself in the moment accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed any value in images and pictures - images and pictures which are not real but merely mind interpretations of what is really here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop this preprogrammed, habitual and reactive behavior but instead allowed myself to follow it and only notice what I was accepting after activating and running the program which is unacceptable - I stop immediately

I do not accept or allow any preprogrammed reactive, habitual behaviors of any kind.
I do not accept or allow myself to believe that it is possible to "not notice" a preprogrammed behavior start which is self deceptive and totally unacceptable - I see absolutely everything I allow and accept myself to be one and equal to in every moment - there are no excuses.
I stop. No more. I direct me in every moment of breath according to and as the principle of oneness and equality. Everything I do, every moment here I live as the principle of oneness and equality as all, and what supports and assist life as all as one in oneness and equality until all is here, amalgamated as life eternally.
No more separation. No more limitation. I stand. I walk in absolute self trust and stability here.

moments within

2009-01-14T00:04:00.000-08:00

yesterday I was sitting in bed after writing sf. It was silent, the children were sleeping, and I was just sitting there enjoying myself within this silence. Breathing. The only sounds were breathing and the house creaking. As I sat there this joy welled up from within, it was just here, and I sat there merging with this joy, and I said to myself, wow! This is here always, its here, yet when I live within my mind, my head, I dont see it. This joy is me, because it was all of me, it was in all of me and it was absolutely awesome.

So then for me to have decided to live within my mind for all my life, has actually chosen the prison that it entails, because within my mind, everything is misery and pain and suffering, and I experience the occational up, but mostly it is down, a very sober, rather miserable existecence.

But within this joy that is here, all exist, I dont and cannot deny what is here, and its not rosy and peachy, but I see that this joy is me, and I suppose this joy is life itself. Because life just is, always have been and always will be, it is eternal and absolute, constant, stable, and cannot ever be harmed in any way, cannot go away, vanish, end.

I am life, as all as one, and within that there is absolute self trust and self stability. Life can never fail, how can it, when life is all.

It gets easier to see what is real and what isnt. As I walk this process, I become the process. I live it, breathe it because its all me. And I become aware of my body, of everything within, every little movement , every little pain. I am learning to listen to my body, trust myself as my body.

My body will bring me right back here if I allow myself to "lose" myself in my mind, and I cannot deny that or suppress it because it is here and its real and its physical!

Cutting down the sweet intake hasnt been all that hard. No chocolate, no sweets, no icecream, and a lot more fruit. Also cut down radically the amount of coca cola which I have been addicted to. peeling of the addictions one by one. Increasing water intake

Experiencing some physical pain in my legs, muscles, a bit like when you have the flue or is about to get it, that strange pain that follows with that.

I am enjoying myself!

2008-12-25T06:52:00.000-08:00

I just read Bs post in the open forum abour memories. And really, when you look at it, its all we have ever consisted of. All of the personality I have believed to be me is based on memory, and is "living" totally defined and constricted and limited to these memories.
Were I to remove, drop all memories, damn, it would be freedom. total and utter release from this illusionary belief of what self is.
And thoughts, are these not really memories? Most of the thoughts I have are certainly that, it is based on occurences in the past of which I use to then determine or imagine possible outcomes in the future. What a complete and utter fuck up!
Mind does believe it cannot possibly survive without its memory, because that is all that it consist of and thus it would die and then it attempts to generate fear to try to make you stay asleep and actually believe it is impossible to let go of your memories. There would be nothing to generate the energy with through memories, definitions, beliefs, opinions, feelings and emotions. It would be "empty". Silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted anda llowed myself to believe that the memories I have are valuable in any way because they determine my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe I need a personality to stay alive or to be functional within this reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my memories and my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myhself to actually believe that my personality is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to find comfort within my personality, it is "safe" because I am used to it, it is familiar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to and within my memory and within that created illusionary personality suits

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store moments as memories and believe them to be real, valuable and important

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without memories I could not possibly function

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it woudl not be practical to live without memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to find justifications and excuses to be able to hold on to my memories out of fear

I stop. I realize that I am not my memories and that I do not need or require any memories and personality suits. I cannot be limited to memories and personality suits, life cannot be limited or restricted in any way. I do not accept or allow any attempts of justification or excuses not to release and let go of all memories. Here is all there is. Within and as breath, as life as all as one in oneness and equality. With every breath I remain here. I die in every moment. Holdng on to nothing. Silent. Empty and self directive.

focusing on relATEiONshIps

2008-12-20T06:58:00.000-08:00

as I was driving back alone last night I was looking at relationships again, and how I had lived my entire adult life according to the opinion I had created of how I wanted and desired relationships to be for them to be worthy, or for them to last.
And it was clear that all that I had placed within the concept or relationships was nothing but beliefs, opinions such as> absolute honesty, "real" affection, liking eachother, unconditionally accepting eachother, seeing and hearing eachother, respecting eachother, honoring eachother, supporting eachoter uncondtionally, and this idea, I find it difficult to place words on it to be able to explain it, but something like this> having a deep and sensere, REAL connection, wherein we understand eachoter, and value eachother, where there is this equality and a knowing that we are always there for eachoter no matter what, and this runs to the core of us and cannot be altered because it becomes us, and within that there is freedom to be and enjoy eachother unconditionally.
And as I was looking at this while driving, speaking out loud, talking to myself as I tend to do, I realized that not only is it obvious that I could never have found that relationship the way they are defined by human beings currently. What is also obvious that what I always considered being a "worthy" relationship, one there would be a point in entering was actually an agreement, because now, when i realize and understand what an agreement is, I see that this is what I would use as some form of "mold", where I attempted to fit in relationships of this world and that could ofcourse never work. Hence no relationship ever worked out.
And also, considering that even with a view on relationships as most human beings have, where they look for "good sex" or "affection" or "security" etc and then attempt to search for this other being to apparently fulfil these desires, most never even take into consideration that there must be as many different desires within relationships as there are opinions on this planet what are the odds for you actually finding what you desire? Zilch! Yet the search is always on and always end up in tears eventually. And at some point you will "lower" your standards not to feel alone, thinking that maybe they will change, maybe you can change them, but obviously this cannot happen, it is impossible.

Its strange how humans never stop and look at what they are doing. Why would I desire another being? That implies that somehow I am not complete, somehow I cannot function unless I have got another being here with me, who can tell me how wonderful I am , how great I am and constantly prove to me that I am worthy of existing, because if another wants to be in a relationship with me then clearly I must exist, clearly I am great, I am ok, Im likeable. How can that be real? Something that will only last for a while and then slowly wither and die. If it does not remain, as it was and always had been, it is not real.
Instead of seeing that when I like myself unconditionally, I do not need anyone else to like me, it would not affect me in any way.
when I love myself unconditionally I do not need or desire anyone elses love, I realize that I am complete.
when I am self intimate with me, absolutely and unconditionally I see that I do not desire or need intimacy with another in separation of me.
Humans constanly search for what is already here within. That is sad.

2008-12-13T08:30:00.000-08:00

These last couple of days the agreement issue has been "resurfacing". I have had moments where I have absolutely dismissed it all, not wanting to even look at the possibility, but I see now precicely why I did this and I see that that was an opinion based on the relationships I have had, which ofcourse is nothing like an agreement.
I also managed to create a beLIEf that I wasnt ready for it, and that is curious, ready? not ready? what does that imply? that I am waiting, because I am scared shitless of facing ALL of me? Well, it cannot have been anything else. Because an agreement you are facing yourself head on in every breath, in every moment. Well, you are anyway all the time, but the assistance of another as you must force matters to the fore and asssit with seeing suppressions faster, avoiding certain unecessary loops.
If I am dedicated to myself and getting this done then I would not turn anything away that will assist with specificity and movement!
So I stop waiting for me, there is nothing to wait for since all is here. I work with what is here and what is practical in every moment. Simple!

opinions

2008-11-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

opinions is based on conditionings throughout life, starting from being born and continuously loop around and evolve based on experienced memories, none of which are real but only experienced within as the personality the being believes itself to be accordingly.
So, what is opinion and what is real?

a few Opinions>
love - what is love? It is the opinion that you apparently need someone outside of yourself, in separation from yourself to provide you with whatever you believe yourself to lack in order for you to feel secure and complete. Creating a dependancy on a partner, and a need for one and so you will spend your life in continuous search for love and exist in constant fear of losing love. Getting lost in an opinion, an illusion that you are then limited to and by.
Family> Being taught and conditioned by society and forfathers that family is security, comfort and love. So with this conditioning you will search for love in order to create a family because you are now of the opinion that this is what is important in life and what is the foundation for all beings, to be within and as a family construct.
relationships> You are of the opinion that you require a relationship and to find "the one" to fall inlove with so that you can start a family
Friends> You have been conditioned and taught through family and school that friends are important because they can assit you in continuously validating your opinions by agreeing with you and thus you develop a need for and desire for friends. Your ego gets a boost, and thus, this validation of opinions becomes a drug, an addiction and so you fear not having any friends, because then, you are noone, your opinion is apparently not worth anything and that triggers fear

Opinions are beLIEfs. And you are of the opinion that beliefs are important because that makes you who you are, makes you an individual. In reality none of them are real. Its all you know though, because you have been stuffed with knowledge from the moment you opened your eyes by other systematic individuals who in turn have been stuffed with knowledge, beliefs and opinions. None of it is you, because you never had a chance to see you, to find out who you really are. You were not supported and assisted unconditionally to be who you are. You have been told who and how to be. You believe that you are living, that you are life, because you have opinions of what life apparently is.

So it takes courage to step out of the perceived safe but very limited existence. You are literally living a movie, of which you are totally out of control because you have totally forgotten what is real and what is not. So its mayhem, human beings being the robots that has gone mad, and who are only concerned abotu themselves and their needs, opinions and wants and desires. Totally separated from life as all as one in oneness and equality. The energy is running low though, it can only last for so long and the robots will shut down one by one.

When I look into me, all I see is opinions/beliefs. I consist of nothing else. Opinions based on opinions in a neverending loop. These opinions adn beliefs triggers emotions, thoughts, feelings, memories and so I apparently live my life, round and round and round, nothing ever changing.
Occationally rebooting the system, and upgrading the opinion/beliefsystem through sex. All the while suppressing it all, because if I am absolutely self honest, I see all this. The question each will have to ask though is do I dare to step out of this illusion? Do I dare to see who I really am and what I have actually allowed myself to do to life itself?
There cannot be a choice though, because life is life. Life itself can never be destroyed, it is and will always remain. And those who are not willing to step out of the box and dare to live, those are dead anyway, and in death you are no more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have opinions and actually believe that my opinions are valid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to beleive that opinions were real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my opinions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to beliefs and opinions, none of which are real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that without my opinions and beliefs I would not exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in my opinions because to me they were "sound" and "healthy" and made me a "good", "honest" and trustworthy person whom others would like and value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to illusions like opinions and beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind my opinions, beliefs as a personality suit to avoid facing myself and what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to abdicate myself to opinions and beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being someone, not having a personality, not being seen and not being heard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not existing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that anything of what I thought was me, my personality , my individuality was real and valid when it has been nothing but a self created illusion, my own little personal world and bubble in which I believed I was safe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to desire to feel and be safe, wanted, loved, seen, heard, validated to apaprently feel real and to feel alive and a part of society because without it I would apparently die

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I needed to live through a mind to actually live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way I coudl experience life itself was throught he physical and that while being inthe physical I needed the mind and thus abdicated myself to the mind, allowing myself to forget the truth of me which was fear

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let an illusion like fear limit myself in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life itself, from who and what I really am to apparently live such a limited and separated, painful existence

I stop. I do not allow or accept myself to exist within and as opinions. I am not limited to anything or anyone. I am limitless as life as all as one in oneness and equality.
Nothing exist but life here, within each and every breath. I let go of the illusion that I need, want, desire or require anything or anyone to be here, i do not. All is me, and all is here already.
there is nothing and noone to search for, there is nothing and noone in separation of me. All is here. I stop waiting. I stop.
I remain here. Constant, stable.

??

2008-11-28T12:37:00.000-08:00

Today in the letterbox amongst all the other advertising was this bright red folded sheet of paper. The text on it was black, and I registred that it had lots of text on it when I noticed these words " jesus is coming" HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Yeah, I had a really good laugh. And yes, I have read these words lots of times during my life when some lost so called christians crossed my way, but this time, I mean, holy mo, how much can you delude yourself and stick your head in the sand. Humans are pathetic creations, walking around actually believing in fairytails and pretending that all is well, heck, the saviour is coming! hahahahahahahahah oh, the redicilousness of it all!!!!

I guess itll be a hard landing for some.

I have been enjoying the children and our every day life with all that entails. This is good practice in remaining here, not taking anything for granted and having as much fun as we can. Enjoying ourselves in the moment. Kids are great assistance because they are here, when playing they are the play, all or nothing. I laugh a lot more, more than I have ever done. Me and my youngest daughter laugh a lot together, at everything and nothing. Silly noises, funny noises, silly faces, dancing. She is the most joyous being I have ever met.

The children are and have taught me a lot about myself, I am grateful for their assistance!
"Why is it strange to dip your apple pieces in ketchup?" One of my sons enjoy this. "Its yummi mum!" lol
"Mummy I dont care that my sleaves are dirty because I wiped my moth on them. Why do I need a new jumper?"
"I want to jump on the bed because its fun!"
"I suck my thumb because its yummi and i wont stop until Im 115!"
"I scremed "willy" in the bus because it sounds funny and everyone else laughs"
Parents should drop their illusional "musts" that has been taught them by their parents, and of which most are conditionings "because oh, that is just not done, that is not considered acceptable".
See your kids. Be with them, and let go of your opinions. Use common sense, and realize that just because they are small doesnt mean that what they have to say is not valid or somehow less valid. See them and hear them. You will learn a lot! The children are one and equal to you. They are not your posession. They are not "yours". They are beings, full of laughter and joy, if only they are supported and assisted unconditionally for who they really are.

Definitions relationships

2008-11-13T12:42:00.000-08:00

I am looking at how I have defined relationships within my life. I am looking at what shaped these definitions, what events shaped and formed my idea of what a relationship apparently is or seem to be and then based ALL my relationships in my life experience upon these events or event triggered definitions in my life.

It seems clear now that I have defined relationships based upon the relationships within the family i grew up in and the experiences I had with friends in school.

When looking at the relationships that has affected me most in my life it has been the daughter-father relationship, ,but also the everyday "family life" I experienced with events within this that had such an impact on me that they shaped my entire idea of relationships, in particular towards men in my life.

I didnt at that point understand or realize that what my father expressed or did had nothing to do with me but all to do with him and his allowances. As a child I started of blaming myself, I must be the cause, I must deserve this, only later to pass all the blame onto him, it was all his fault, he had ruined my childhood, he had ruined the family, he had ruined my life, etc.
Subconsciously I then equated that since he was the first male rolemodel in my life, this is the only male early in my life that represents what males are and stand for, so i then made the equation that this is what all men must be like, or even worse, this is what a man apparently should be like.

I hated the guts of him, I loathed him, I begged for the fucker to dieeee a long slow death, I wanted him out of my life and everyone elses, I wanted never ever to see or talk to him again, because he was the cause for all the misery, all the fear, that he had projected unto us, and I hated him because I didnt deserve this, I didnt ask to be bloody born, if I had done I would have made sure to NEVER chose a father like that, lol
Also at the same time hoping, wanting and desiring him to just take care of me, accept me unconditionally and love me.

I see now that I took his behaviour, his words and actions personally. I see now that it had nothing to do with me. It was his personal demonic battle within himself, but he didnt see this, he didnt realize that he was responsible for himself, and if he did, it scared the shit out of him and he suppressed it. I also see now that having such a father has assisted me immensly. Maybe I would not be where I am now, facing these points, and now actually realizing what gifts there are in these experiences.
For the first time in my existence I have an opportunity to release myself from these constructs and see who I really am.

I also realize that I hid all my own fears, and all my own suppressions behind him. Since he was being the devil, all the shit that was going on inside of me, the fears, the worry, all the questions, i could suppress just a little bit longer, not having to face myself or take self responsability. This ofcourse can only last for so long, until you compound it so much that the bubble birsts, or you live through you allowances, your manifested allowances to see what you are doing and simply stop when youve had enough of it. The living through not being necessary if you allow yourself to see, in self honesty and forgive yourself unconditionally for it all and then practically walk the changes. Prove to yourself that you see the point, you understand and realize what is real and what is not.

As a child I looked upon my parents as superiour, in particular my father. I actually believed that I deserved all i experienced from him, the lack of affection, love, care. I began to believe that being hit, screamed at and apparently loathed, taken for granted and pushed around was ok, and the way it simply was. Looking at my father as the bad one and my mother as the good one, the comfort, the saviour, the safe haven if all went to hell.
I see now the polarity play out here, between good and bad. between love and hate, between fear and safety/contentment. And I also see that my believing that I was not worthy to be loved, that I was inferiour to the male actually paved my way with relationships to men in my life, projecting the inferiority which would ofcourse attract the superiority male to balance itself out.
And I see now how it all worked, I see the equation behind it all. I allowed each and every single experience in my life because I created it all through my beliefs and thoughts. I manifested my experience of me, there is absolutely noone I can blame. That is a shockign realization, because then I realize that I, and only I am responsible for myself, and what I allow myself to be one and equal to and thus manifest in my life!
And then I go duh!!!! how come I never saw this. This is common sense.
There is no point in beating myself up over not seeing it "earlier", what matters is here. What matters is that I realize it, now I have to live it. Live the change, and actually stop this whole manifested loop and actually change my experience of myself here.

I also realized that early on in my childhood we moved around a lot. I never had an opportunity to make friends, because I knew we would not stay that long, or i feared we would have to leave again. So I was a loner. Building this invisible wall around me to protect myself, not letting anyone in or too close. The few i did let in turned out to be liars, letting me down, turning on me, leaving me, using me, which only compunded it all. So, friends were not to be trusted. Friends are superficial, and selfish, and there is simply noone on this planet you can trust but yourself! So, I was my own best friend. All of this also projected in the desire to meet a man to share it all with, who i could simply share all of me with, this actually keeping the polarity of ,on the one hand desiring a relationship and on the other hand resenting it, avoiding it. If i believe noone can be trusted, how will I then experience a relationship? What do I project that will seek to balance itself out if not deceit, the very thing I fear. lol
And so I would run around for most in my life, keeping myself very busy indeed being miserable, for no reason at all really. Well i see now why this was in place, and for what purpose this loop would be maintained within this contructed so called reality.

Self forgiveness on these realizations to follow.

human body

2008-10-09T13:40:00.000-07:00

all this life I have looked in the mirror and gone, jeezz, that cannot be me!! No way. lol
Because I for all my life separated myself from what I saw in the mirror. it made no sense, beccause it didnt "feel" like me at all. It was like the experience of me was not at all what the image told me. It was, is just an image anyway. What is real and what is not?! This separation, because clearly it was nothing but another separation, not seeing that yes, this is indeed just an image, and this is not at all all that I consist of, this is not a statement of me, its a physical body, but I am not limited to that, even though I spent most of my life thinkig I was. And also not to judge it. It is what it is. I see this, but actually living these words is a process. Or is that an excuse not to simply release it now?!!! Yes, actually it is. Because why can I not just let go of all these definitions, ideas, past memories and all the shit I have carried willingly all my life? Why would I want to contnie this suffering?

I never considered myself to be concerned or give a shit about beauty, but I see now that this was just denial. I always considered beings who had a "normal" weight to be "preferable". this is so common, and is not only inherited through family ties but also a constant brainwashing from a very early age through school, media etc. Well, perhaps not so much other beings, but more so myself. I was always very skinny, and could eat a lot and never gain anything. And I was content with the physical body then, I could accept living in it lol. But after having kids, it all changed. And I got fatter and fatter. All of a sudden I was in my eyes totally unacceptable and the image in that mirror just got even more separated from myself. I see now only compounding so that I will be able to see and release this once and for all.

I have also experienced interesting points regarding relationships and body weight. because ofcourse, we are constantly told that thin is sexy, thin is cool, thin is "normal", so when you appear to be "outside" of that frame you in a way dont exist and when I experienced this, some intresting things happened, on the one hand I was relieved because this would mean no attention from men what so ever, at least not as much as you would get being thinner, but then also a disgust that I "let myself go", and that I simply dont enjoy this extra padding, it is impractical and its in the way. Subconsciously I probably manifested this also due to my ex, because he never like fat women, so hence, I became fat lol.

ofcourse, fat, thin, long, short , small. It doesnt matter at all. And i KNOW ,though knowing is just knowing, living it is what matters because then I show to myself absolutely that I cannot be, and never was defined by any certain look, by being thin or fat, by anything. I accept myself and I love myself unconditionally. I see and I realize that the image I see is not me, it is me in the physical, it is my physical presentation here now in this moment. But yet I am not defined by it or limited to it. For a moment here this is my physical presentation, and it just is. If there are any judgments, definitions, reactions, thoughts, feelings towards or by it then that is something that needs looking at and require releasing by the being experiencing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by and limited to my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my physical body is limiting me

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body, not seeing that I am one and equal to all manifestations in existence

I forgive myself that I have acceptd and allowed myself to judge the human ohysical body in general and my physical body in particular

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a body should look in a certain way to apparently be accepted and "normal"

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself to consider thin beigns more attractive than fat beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, the physical image of me as not good enough, not pretty enough, not attractive enough, simply not enough

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my human physical body for granted

i forgive myslef that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed ploarity constructs such as good-bad, attractive-ugly, thin-fat instead of seeing and realizing the self deception and separation within this and simply stop

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself compare other human bodies against eachother

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for my phyical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself ugly and unimportant and uninteresting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to haet myself and the physical image of myself simply becaise I separated myself from myself to the extent I cannot relate to the image I see in the mirror

I forgive myself thta i have accepted and allowed msydelf to believe that the image i see in the mirror is really me and all that there is of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put any importance or have any reactions within towards a picture presentation

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experiece any thoughts, feelings, emotions or memories

I see and realize that I am not and cannot be limited to a picture presentation of my human physical body

I see myself as one and equal to all manifestations in existence

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I am one and equal to how and what I experience here and that all is specific so that I will be able to see and realize and let go, transcend them and assist myself here within process of self realization

I unconditionally let go of all my conditionings regarding "normality" and all pre programmed reactions towards anything or anyone
I do not accept or allow me to experience any reactions within.
I remain here stable and self directive in every moment of every breath.
I stand. I walk.

letting go

2008-09-29T13:24:00.000-07:00

I just read Mattis post on forum, very cool realizations shared here regarding definitions and values put on self, the self we perceive us to be, and how letting go of all definitions, values must be done.

Its seem that what prevents me from being here, seeing what is here and what is real is the perceived resistance of letting go of anything and everything that defines me according to the mind, the life that was lived through my mind, which was not real but created within and as the mind as to seem real, when in fact it was separation and limitation.

As long as i keep holding on to this world that I believe to be real, the world I experience myself within and all teh beings within it, as long as a need is experienced to maintain and stay within this, I will be running around in the same old loop not seeing anything, not being able to self realize. Not giving myself the opportunity to self realize here will inevitably mean self removal, because systems are not life and are removed. So there is no choice. I am dead anyway, lol
So, I might as well let go of it all. Let go of the illusions that I am safe withing this experience I have created for myself this life, all that I know and that are familiar. All the experiences, preferences, wants, dreams, plans , all of it, there can be nothing and nobody that allow me to defines or "frames" myself, keeping myself bound and blind. Being here in every moment, I cannot be defined by any personality in any way and all that were allocated to this personality.

So why all the excuses when there are no excuses. If im not HERE, then clearly im still screwing around within and as my mind, using excuses of any kind to remain within and as it and stay the same. if im not here now, then clearly I must be using excuses and justifications as to why im not here ...yet.... and in that yet actually justifying the apparent waiting to self realize, waiting for myself when all is here and always have been.

and I know it is a process, but I see that this also can be used as justification to somehow allow for a backdoor to remain so that excuses can be justified and it is utterly unacceptable!

some title...

2008-09-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

a while back I started or rather continued my blog on wordpress. Now Ive decided to continue here, with blogspot again. It doesn't really matter, what matters is that I use it, and so I continue to share the process of self realization here.

As I opened the blog today I also decided to go through the links of other beings sharing process, it was a while since, and I see that some has removed their blogs, some has changed quite a bit since I last looked, there was one that made me chuckle, a total u turn seems to have been made for him since last I read his blog, so I decided to remove him too.
There is no judgment within this, it is what it is. Some will decide to continue screwing around a bit more, as if the suffering hasn't quite compounded enough yet to be able to see anything or ask any serious questions and thus seem to believe they can remove themselves from process LOL
All is here anyway. And all will eventually stand here as all as one in oneness and equality.

I have been looking, and are still looking at the definitions I have placed upon myself as to who i have defined and believed myself to be. Within this I see that none of it was/is real. How can it be real, something that fluctuates, changes and molds itself according to its environment cannot be real. What would be real is stable, constant, here and does not exist within and as polarities of mind.
I found that the major personality suits and definition within this lifetime has been that of apparently being a woman and a mother. Within those (and many others) I have created an inner reality that gave me purpose within this life. Because I believed myself to have to have some kind of purpose to be able to live. Trapping and enslaving myself and limiting myself to the definition of apparently being a woman and a mother. It is a perfect little illusion where you constantly experience yourself in turmoil and self punishment. A self created illusionary hell that you actually believe to be real because you experience it within. Never actually stopping to ask yourself, but wtf, why??? WHY? do I allow this to exist within me? Why and how did I allow this to happen?
Well, I did ask those questions, and through this process i keep asking questions, seeing into me exactly what I have become by my own allowances.

For me, it was purpose. Prior to being aware of the process of self realization I simply could not find any meaning with life if I couldnt find a purpose within it. Now ofcourse I know and realize there simply is none. But this search for purpose so beautifully programmed in, led to a search of a personality suit that would provide this apparent purpose. Being a mother seemed to be the ultimate. So I became a mother. And I limitied and defined myself as a mother, and a damn good one too, I made sure that this was all my life was about, because within this the search and need for purpose was quenched, or so it seemed. I could busy myself with being a mother, neatly categorizing myself into this little folder where I felt safe, and could continue and live this life. Not ofcourse for one bloody minute actually seeing what is here, what is real and that all I was concerned about was me, not seeing the bigger picture, not realizing the total limitation and the continued self abuse and the effects on a bigger scale that this supported.

I have come to realize that it doesnt really matter what personality suit you take on, they are all attempts to hide, all attempts to feel safe, accepted, and live an "ok" life.
For me the mother matrix system, the personality suit of apparently being a mother with all the definitions this entail meant that yes, I had a "place" here. I could focus on this so that I didnt have to find answers to all the real questions, to all the serious heavy duty ones because of fear of actual answers and fear of taking self responsibility, and actually direct myself within this awareness here. So in believing that this limited personality suit as a mother was who I was, I accepted all the polarities, all the worries, the emotional turmoil, constant, are they okey, am I a good enough mother, are they safe, got to keep them safe, I love my children, I put them before all and everything, I cherish my children, I bleive my children to actually be my children, I fear losing my children, I fear for their welbeing, constantly and endlessly living withtin this inner turmoil of never being good enough, never being able to be in full control, never content, just a constant inner battle of polarities.

I see now. And now I face all these allowances. and I STOP!
A full stop. Breathe and see what is here, and forgive myself for all these allowances and acceptances. Gift myself to be unconditionally.

I cannot be limited in any way, to anything or anyone. I cannot allow or accept any limitation of self, of who and what i consist of and as. I cannot claim to be limited to being a mother, a woman, a human being, because I see myself one and equal to all there is. All manifestations and beings.
And within that there is no judgment, no comparison, no fear, no worry, no nothing. Just silence.

So, I stand here, removing these pesonality suits, seeing myself here, the real self. releasing all the layers, one by one through self forgiveness. Sometimes its tough, but I remain. I stand!!!!

2008-07-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

http://equalandone.wordpress.com/

more SF on father

2008-05-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my father hated me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn the father I never had

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to realize that a father is a mind consciousness system placement within and as a being and not who that being really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I missed out on something by not having a father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness for apparently not having a father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a perception and a definition of what a father should be like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my fathers behaviour instead of realizing that this was his programming and not who he really was

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe and despise the traits and similarities in me that I downloaded from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate mysefl from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for all the shit that has happened in my life instead of realizing that that is self deception and a way to try and run from facing myself and taking full responsibility for myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become - I am responsible for me in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to be grateful for my fathers placement in my life because it was specific and assisted me in facing aspects of me and my allowances so that I can stand absolute in self honesty and self trust and realize who i really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear

2008-05-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

I am stability- solid - no matter what stable. With that fear does not exist. I am HERE.
The experience of this stability is absolute. It is absolutely absolute. My foundation that cannot brake, that cannot crack, that cannot change, that cannot vanish. It is me, who I am.

Now, I have experiecend this at other stages withinthis process. And for the last couple of days I experienced it again. When I allow me to just be, within self trust, is when I am stability.
Ofcourse I always am, I just dont always realize it.

I dreamt last night, but even though the dream was clear as I woke up this morning, I cant really recall it now. I do recall noticing and observing myself in the dream though, as I do all the time within process when awake, and that was the first time I actually noticed that in a dream.
So, the next step will be to actually apply self forgiveness as I do awake in the dream too, immediately and specifically.

I have also noticed a change in my approach to the chat on the forum. There is not much to say.
There is very little going on so I am simply silent. I just observe me, and see if there are any reactions, and I´ll apply sf accordingly. So the next step would be to vlog.
It feels a natural step to take - and a brilliant opportunity to observe myself and my behaviors.
I am purifying it all- amalgamating with it all - until I am all one and equal to all and everything within existence.

2008-05-01T01:47:00.001-07:00

The number of times I have sat down now infront of this blog in the last week and not had any clue what to write are numerous.

So, clearly some points within that needs dealing with.

Firstly there was this thought;: Ok - shit - I HAVE to keep writing in my blog, because any resistance of doing so or just the lack of self dicipline if not doing it is telling me I´m allowing my mind to yet again direct me instead of ME directing me.

If words does not flow unconditionally from me as me - then clearly I´d have to look at that point within and direct me accordingly.

I have been procrastinating a lot lately. And it is inexusable. And noone can do this for me - I have to walk through it all - all alone.

The very fact that I am not at this moment in time living in a house for me and the children clearly speaks volumes. if you do not live immediately the words you speak then you are not one and equal to your words but separate. And all I ever wait for is myself. I cannot blame anythign or anyone because I create my world and my reality.

I create what I allow and I create my experience of me. The big question then is why do I wait?

Why do I allow waiting?

And the answer to this question is simple, because it is always simple, apply self honesty and all is very simple:

F E A R OF L O S S

so exactly what does this fear of loss entail:

fear of losing my children

fear or losing my life as I have known it

fear of losing the comfort my life entails

fear of survival

I look at this and cannot allow any beating up of myself because I have allowed all of this in the first place when I KNOW fears are illusional and irrational.

I have to look at it and apply myself accordingly in the realization that this is a process, and there are many layers to go through. There are points I have clearly missed while applying self forgiveness previously on these points. If you do not get to the core, the root of it though, it will keep on going like som old really bad broken record until you find the root and UP root it.

There are in all probablility sub and unconscious points here that obviously are less apparent now, but as I go through with the self forgiveness in self honesty I will uncover it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I must be doing something wrong within this process since the points I thought I had transcended STILL remain - instead of realizing that this is a process - layer upon layer and that there are points to uncover as I go along

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate in my life when this is unacceptable - I do not allow or accept anything less from me than who I am no matter what - and there are NO excuses - I am here - and I get it done for me as me as all as one in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is impossible to lose my children - the children are one and equal to me - so how can I lose me - I am here - infinite - stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that the children are MY children when it is impossible to own anything or anyone. The children in my life are beings one and equal to me - whom I assist and care for as I care for myself - unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the children or any other being in existance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate "my" children from other children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience judgment within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that noone but me should raise the children - all others simply not good enough and in that both judging and separating me from myself and others since we are all one and equal - and the reason for this fear is the very separation we have all allowed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself because in realizing we are all one and equal I realize by looking at the world reflected back upon me what I am capable of and that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to fully realize and take responsability for what I accept and allow which is a direct cause for the separation in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the children out of fear of being alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regretting the way I script my life "when it comes down to it" and live it instead of realizing that for the first time ever do I actually understand that I script my life and my reality and in that realization script it according to and as oneness and equality and in that actually live for the first time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking full self responsability when I now realize the full implications of that statement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still not fully grasp that fear is ILLUSIONAL - it does not exist - it is a mind created illusion to keep me enslaved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear realizing who I really am since all I have ever known is mind - and mind is not who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear insanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still not trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything - not having a home and the comfort that entails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not geting a job that will sustain me and the children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being cold and hungry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at money as more than me when I am one and exual to all manifestations in existanse - money no more or less than me - money is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my life be directed by money instead of me directing me and in that actually giving money power over me - making it more than me when it is not

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to amalgamate with all - since I am all - one and equal - no separation

I forgive myself that I havent allowed and accepted myself to embrace all that is me in existance- unconditionally and from and within that stand up and STOP

till here no further

I do not allow myself to experience separation, fear, guilt or any reaction within and of mind - that is not who I am
I direct myself in every moment of every breath
I give myself permission to enjoy my process in absolute self trust and self honesty
I give myself permission to enjoy my life within process
I give myself permission to have enough money in my life - I am money - one and equal
I give myself permission to totally let go of mind since I am not my mind
I am here
I am life
I am one and equal to all in oneness and equality
I dedicate my life to process so that me as all will be able to stand as one and equal in self realization- no matter what it takes I get it done

2008-04-19T14:58:00.001-07:00

Sitting here, all alone, it´s midnight here and all is silent. Just the humming from the computers. Kids are asleep. I will soon be going to bed too, but then realized that I haven´t written anything in my blog for a few days, so why not write in it?!

I could play a bit on the guitar, I seem to want to pick it up all the time, and just play some. Ella says she prefers just to hear the guitar and not my singing (go figure lol) but I can see what she means. I always enjoyed listening to guitar playing without the vocals.
Jonathan says I suck anyway lol, although I have seen him enjoying it when he thinks i don´t notice. Ryan is ok with whatever, mr laid back as he is.
We went to this local playground today. It was such a nice spring day and we had some fun there. There was this wooden old see-saw that we all went on and giggled a lot. I managed to do some swinging as well. It´s nice to let the swing carry your weight for a moment and feel the air run through your hair and over your face. Everyone should swing at least once a week. This actually just reminded me of Bruce. L´s article regarding the swing and living in past and future.
Fitting since I am currently working on the past...

Life seems to be getting simpler though, as in i enjoy me within and as the simple things in life. There is upheaval and a lot of issues to sort out, but within, all is pretty cool. Even though my entire world as I know it has crumbled, there is silence within. I have issues still, to do with allowed feelings and memories regarding the current situation, but I am aware of them and I deal with them and I apply self forgiveness accordingly.

I will go and write some self forgiveness in bed now. Look at my day and whatever issue is at hand.

God natt!

?

2008-04-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

At the moment I is going through a cold of sorts. I slept a lot and feel a bit better today.
Has been a very turbulent week, or perhaps months, but certainly culminated this week.
I have had to , and still face LOTS of fear issues and self trust issues. So - walking through every moment - no matter what and it´s painful and very strange - because I experience situations and moments I just never thought Id be able or ever wanted to go through.
So I surprise me sometimes - wow!! - did I say that???? Did I stand then - and actually did that???!
Still fall - get up - cry - walk - fall - bruised - bleeding - cry - stand up - walk! I push through this bastard of a system no matter what it takes. I stop! And I look self honestly within - and I apply self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other beings for judging me and not in that moment realize that I allow loops of judgement and that I is responsible for judgement and noone outside of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience judgement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible for anyone to manipulate me - that is impossible - only minds can be manipulated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others reactions to me and my words of expression in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with another being and in that moment not realize that it is MY frustration I am experiencing and not anything or anyone outside and separate to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lable certain beings as deceptive, false, liars, backstabbing, twofaced instead of realizing that these beigns are mirroring what exist inside me that I have yet to look at that I have accepted and allowed to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience any reaction within - who I really am is stable - constant - no movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about money and how to provide for me and the children

to be continued...

HERE is all that is

2008-03-26T07:32:00.000-07:00

I remember driving in the car as a child, looking at the passing cars and thinking to myself how strange it is with all those ppl everywhere, who seems to live separate lives, not seeing the other ppl - well, seeing them yes, but not noticing them. All those ppl with lives of their own, but still as real as mine. How does that work? All these lives and stories playing out at the same time, and here I am, with my life - my parents.
This seemed to me soo strange. I couldn´t understand exactly how this could work, because to me, obviously we are all as important as eachother, all the same really. It was fascinating - and I wondered who kept "track" of all this, how it all worked, who "saw" all these lives. What made each one individual yet all the same.
I never spoke to my parents about anything that I experienced or the questions that I had, because I knew there would be no point what so ever.
I often sat when driving just observing ppl , and in my head becoming them, living "their" lives almost as to "make their lives real - their story true", almost as if I didn´t nothing was real, if I could not be them too nothing could be real.

When I look back on that now it´s fascinating.

Because now, as I am realizing that all that is is HERE, that we are all one and equal -is exactly the piece that was missing as a child. I just couldn´t put it into words or fully understand it, but now, it makes perfect sense.
Ofcourse, as with all children in this matrix, I suppressed all questions, and just accepted what was presented to me as "that´s just the way it is, so deal with it" life is tough, but you get on with it as best you can sort of view.

Now I see that All is ME - all is ONE and equal. It´s simple but for the mind that we have become it is like total gibberish - it cannot comprehend that.
There is no past - there is no future - only HERE in this moment.
What is simply is. All specific to bring me here now to this moment. This moment of beingness .

This process is enjoyable. For the first time in my existance I am actually giving me to me. That is beyond words!

Letting go

2008-03-21T02:31:00.000-07:00

There are a few things still in my life that I have ties and attachments to. I have been procrastinating and in that actually allowed myself to be self dishonest - basically supporting systems instead of life. A loop of sorts, and unless I apply myself now, it will compound to such an extent that life will sort me, and direct me, instead of me doing it myself, with all the consequences that entails.

So here goes:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put the divorce issue in the future instead of acting NOW and applying myself in directing my situation with a starting point of oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind procrastination instead of doing what is necessary to be done in order to STOP and take responsability for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the outcome of the divorce instead of realizing there is nothing to lose and that I will be gaining release and move myself in process hence placing me where I will be able to assist oneness and equality effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have emotional ties to members of my family instead of actually realizing that we are all one and equal beings, who have been placed in family constructs that fuel and maintain emotions so that we remain slaves to the system and remain apparently unable to realize who we really are as life in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to really see and realize that I am supporting and assisting the continuation of enslavement and suffering every moment that I am participating in thoughts, emotions and feelings, and every moment I allow any separation within such as familie ties - this is unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to STILL allow and accept attachments within towards my house and car, clothes, food, and allowing myself to remain in fear of losing these things instead of actually realizing fully that these are system creations, and for a moment it is requiered - no attachments necessary because eventually these manifestations will cease to exist - life does not need or desire anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have become addicted to food, eating and consuming

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I desire certain foods, I crave certains foods, I need this or that, I want this or that, because its pleasureable, make my life easier and more enjoyable - not seeing that I am consuming me - consuming life - and that I as who I really am has got no desires, no wants, no needs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and supported the consumption of life itself and that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind ignorance and blame to justify it

I forgive myself that I have actually allowed myself to believe that it is possible to hide from me as who I really am and what I have accepted and allowed within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience procrastination within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience need, wants, desires and addictions within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create excuses not to apply myself NOW in every moment of every breath

Till here NO further.

I let go.

I direct me in every moment of every breath no matter what to get it done and realize who I really am.
I STOP all participation within mind and direct myself accordingly.
I PUSH through all resistances - they do not exist - they are mind created illusions.
I am HERE in every moment of every breath. I STOP!

kill death

2008-03-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

To release the fear of death:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that who I am is the picture representation of me instead of realizing that who I really am is limitless

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be attached to my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of death outside of me to beings in my life instead of facing my fears head on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that who I am will die with the death of my body instead of realizing that death does not exist - I am here - infinetly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry what would happen to the children if I die now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear the unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sufferign and pain prior to death

anger and the root of it

2008-03-10T14:43:00.000-07:00

tonight on the chat Andrea assisted me to actually see clearly, for the first time ever where my anger , immense anger that I have carried around within me for all my life originates from. So, Im going to uproot this anger and amalgate with it all, become equal and one to it:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have based my view on men on the anger and resentment I felt towards my father since he could never unconditionally love himself as me and unconditionally assist me and care for me as a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this anger within me through all my life, and actually have that anger be the base for all my relationships to men from then on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually have allowed myself to compound the anger for men even more based on the abuse by Lars when I was a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so consumed by this anger towards men, the total betrayal that I experienced with all men I met, that all relationships were doomed from the start

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate men

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be discusted by men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my anger out on all men I met so that I could make sure they all hated me and in that way I made sure they stayed away, I was "safe" instead of actually realizing that I was running away from me and what I have allowed

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to realize that my self abuse regarding men and relationships was hidden behind the illusion I created in my mind that I was using them, I was in control instead of seeing that anger was controlling me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually deny that there was also a part of me that still was this little girl, that was looking for her father, to take care of her, to nurture her, to look after her, be there for her, love her unconditionally hug her, laugh with her,
all that which was never there - hence I kept searching - looking - trying to find somethign to fill that void within me, instead of realizing that could never be found

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at men as inferiour and actually in general quite limited and stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate mysefl from men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from Lars

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain closed to never let any man see me as who I really am, building a wall, because no man was ever good enough to experience me, the essence of me - this part was alwasy sealed off - no man ever deemed good enough or worthy of experiencing that instead of allowing myself to realize that I was punishing me - continuing to abuse myself by allowing that within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider men strange, sex obsessed, dishonest, manipulative, self obsessed, ego manifestations - the very opposite of woman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed within polarities and in that actually support and assist the manifestation of polarization and separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so consumed by anger that I lost myself and remained in a loop with relationships based ón anger and resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress me as who i really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I needed a relationship of any kind

Till here no further:
I release all the anger within me. Anger - is me. One and equal. Anger is an illusion - a mind manifested system - not real.
Man - I - me - one and equal.
All that I have allowed within my life has been self created. It is all me, all I.
Men - women - children, all manifestations and all beings one and equal.
I embrace it all within me. I stand here- as all as one. I take responsability for me, for all as who I really am and for all I have allowed and accepted to exist.
And within this I stop. I do not allow or accept anything less than who I really am, than who we are as all as one in oneness and equality.

FeAr of DEATH

2008-03-07T23:37:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that death exist - when in reality who we really are, are infinite

I forgive myself that I have aceppted and allowed myself to fear what will happen after death

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that death might be painful and horrific

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that death will be painful and slow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being murdered, fall to my death, crash, burn to death, drown, suffocate, get strangled, mutilated, chopped to pieces, buried alive, shot, stabbed, cut, ripped to pieces, eaten by an animal, bleed to death, be driven over by a vehicle

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow worry within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disabled and apparently dependant on others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming insane, or a "vegetable" lying in a hospital bed, aware, but totally trapped in a physical prison and in that fearing being at others mercy and perhaps be abused or hurt

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to realize that we are already trapped in this physical prison , enslavement in 3d by our minds at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my children will die before me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my childrens physical manifestation and picture presentation in 3d is who they really are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from my children - we are all one and equal beings - as all as one in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need anyone or anything outside of me to be able to function in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with me and judge myself for not trusting myself

Till here no further:

I do not allow my mind to control and influence me.
I do not allow or accept any fears, judgements, frustration, worries, anxieties, attachments, beliefs, that is not who I am.
I am life, as all as one in oneness and ezuality.
Thoughts, feelings, emotions and pictures are illusional creations by mind. It is impossible to fear something that does not exist.

It is done!

smoother experiences

2008-03-06T13:52:00.000-08:00

There is stuff occuring in my life, or around me. It´s like I am in the centre, calm and stable, but around me all hell is braking loose. And it is what it is, I´m here. Not having any reaction towards it.

Several ppl in my close family having nervous brakedowns. Ending up in hospital, simply chaos in their lifes. System failures - crashes.

On the other hand with others in my life communication is smoother. I am able to communicate with them. Common sense seemes to have seeped through with some ppl. So I get questions, and I give perspective. And it´s cool. I enjoy it. In the moment.

I focus on me, I stop. Applying forgiveness, I write in my book every night. Also used the purifier today. I enjoy me, I enjoy the process at the moment.

something is gone

2008-03-03T14:15:00.000-08:00

These last couple of days has been strangely empty.
Stuff goes on in my everyday life as it always has done, but I am calm and empty. There is not much happening inside at the moment. Calm, silence - it´s difficult to explain it, my vocabulary seems limited.
I am here, but a lot of shit is gone from inside. Something has definetly been removed! Or transcended. I am grateful. Calm, stability. I am stable. I am in control. I am here.
Nothing more to express then that in this moment.

my experience of me

2008-03-01T08:21:00.000-08:00

I have got this joy bubbeling up inside. it´s like its just pouring out and then welling over, and in a moment it can bring tears to my eyes. Happy tears lol

And to me that is strange, because I rarely experience this. In fact, for most of my life it has been anger only, or anger in various forms and various strenght.

I have no idea what it is, but its cool, and Id like it to remain. But then how can it not, since it is me, it´s a part of me, another expression of me.
It´s just that this part has been suppressed for a very long time. I have denied me to feel anything but anger, because in my eyes how could I possibly allow myself to feel joy, I wasn´t worthy of that.
How silly!
Because I am all there is. I am everything - equal and one to everything.

I notice a difference in my children too. In particular Ella. She makes very expressive drawings, images and contructions she´s never done before. Earlier today she drew a few lines on a piece of paper, passed it to me and said; "Mummy, this is you and me and this is the machine we came out of." She draws a lot. Usually different kind of machines, and creatures, birds and flowers.
And she can rarely walk past a musical instrument without playing a little bit on it. And she sings, she always sings.
I am enjoying me , us much more then I have ever done.

the final countdown

2008-02-29T13:57:00.000-08:00

Yes- it is here. Or very nearly here - D day for me and this relationship.

With that comes some interesting issues, and i really get to see who I am.

I have come to realize that the preferred outcome would ofcourse be an agreement between the two of us based on oneness and equality where none of us will accept or allow anything less then who we really are.
We are all one and equal, and what is between is systems. I cannot make anyone see this though, I can only apply me and present common sense.

So we will see where we go from here. Although it seems clear to me that he has made his stand- and he does not seem willing to stand up for oneness and equality. So his path to self realization is clearly another one.However - we will face eacother, and communicate about this when he arrives.
I do experience a strange sort of calm. Also, a sadness over the fact that he might chose to not allow himself to wake up - and that is sad. Also an experience of conclution. A beginning and an end.
But I apply me no matter what. I focus on what is at hand, and I walk no matter what.

Very subtle reactions within going on:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the slightest have any fear arising within me regarding money and survival if or when this relationship ends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually on some level wonder whether he will actually have a few realizations before we meet and be able to apply common sense in his life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder if I might have to let go of the part of me that is him and in that prolong realization for all of us and within that experience sadness and a sense of loss instead of realizing that his process is specific for him

I forgive myself that I have actually allowed and accepted myself to even consider what I could have done or do differently to be able to assist him to wake up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I have failed instead of realizing that I focus on me and apply me and that inevitably we will all at some point stand as one and equal and start living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the realization that we are all responsible for one another actually consider myself as not doing enough not being effective enough instead of actually realizing that by me applying me no matter what I am assisting him in his process too

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually feel guilty for not being as effective within process as I would like instead of realising that I am applying me and that it is mind who is telling me I am not efffective enough, or good enough or applying myself totally

Till here no further. I am not my mind, I am not thoughts, feelings, pictures and emotions.
I do not accept or allow my mind to direct me in any way what so ever. I direct me.

I am here in every moment of every breath. I am stability. I am determination. I am focused. I stand up as life as one and equal in oneness and equality.
I am infinite. I am life. I am oneness and equality.
It is done!

more relationships forgiveness

2008-02-27T13:49:00.000-08:00

In the chat today I realized theres still some more layers to relationship issues, so here goes:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unease and freeze inside when a male looks at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to run, get away from any male that gives me a particular kind of look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone by the look he or she gives me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that there is a difference in some looks compared to others

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to lable some looks from men as looks that says; Id like to get to know you or I´d like to fuck you

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid eyecontact with men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distance myself from men as a safety barrier to avoid any kindof relationship or avoid giving off "the wrong signals"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is such a thing as "wrong signals"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe there is such a thing as a safety barrier against anything or anyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beign abused by men

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel inferior to men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weaker then a male

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by men in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have some part inside me somehwere that is still looking for "the one"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get pissing angry at myself that there still is something inside me somewhere still looking for the illusion called "the one"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling inlove

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let myself go totally and unconditionally in relationships with men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of past relationships within me when talking to a male and immediately compare him to another man in another relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to be friends with a male since they inevitably want to fuck you somewhere down the line or at least have the thought inside of what it would be like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually get embarassed about these self forgiveness issues regarding men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somewhere inside long for self intimacy, long for really good sex, the way it "should" be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lable sex as good, bad or average or that it "should" be in a particular way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and the way I look

I forgive myself that I have still not allowed myself to be self intimate with me, to love me unconditionally , to accept me unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse me and not consider myself as important as any other being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the past fantasise about men I have met and what it would be like to be seduced by them creating mini movies in my mind of possible outcomes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get turned on by certain smells such as certain aftershaves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate certain music with memories of relationships in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider certain males as more attractive than others

I forgive myself that I have got a particular picture in my mind about what a perfect male would look like

Till here no further.
I do not allow my mind to direct me in any way what so ever.
I delete and release all these memories and pictures and thoughts in my mind.
I am life. I direct me. I am life as all as one in oneness and equality.

I do not accept and allow any memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions, pictures of and in my mind that is not who I am.
It is done!

the massive masses

2008-02-25T14:15:00.000-08:00

Today me and the children spent the day in this indoor play area for children. I had plenty of time there to observe beings and their family constructs and behaviours.

Also plenty of time ot observe myself and any reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions that were triggered.

The very first issue that arises is with the wardrobe lady. Her swedish is not very good, and I cannot really understand what she is saying so I ask her to repeat herself and as I do this, I notice within that I am actually sensing irriation there towards her. She is actually irritating me since I cannot understand or hear her properly.

SO:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience irritation within me towards the wardrobe lady

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let mind direct me and in that feel irritated towards another being

I forgive myself that I have actually believed that there is such a thing as irritation - it is nothing but an illusional mind based creation and hence not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame this being as not being able to speak swedish properly and that she should be more dedicated to get it right

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to put any value in being able to speak a language properly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from any other being and not immediately realize that she was mirroring me and what I have allowed myself to become and exist within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed that I have allowed and accepted mind to direct me in such a way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superiour to any other being in existance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spearate myself from the wardrobe lady instead or realizing we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike myself and all that I have allowed as a mind CONsciousness system

Till here no further:

I do not allow or accept any separation, judgment, feelings, thoughts, emotions, pictures or memories to direct or influence me in any way,.

I am life. I am one and equal as all as one in oneness and equality. I direct me.

As I am walking around in there I´m also struck by the enormous amount of beings that will have to realize themselves as who they really are and it seems massive, such a massive procedure and task at hand.

It just dawns on me, the vastness of all this, all the millions of people, I mean , just the people in here with me - that just seems to be going along like all is fine, like nothing has happened or is happening - like the world is ok.

but then I remember that I have to focus on me and nothing else. If I am somewhere out there I am not present and dedicated to process to get it done.

I also notice within me that I try to avoid any eye contact or any interaction from anyone. I am there but Id rather not be sort of thing.

Im not remotely interested in any conversation with anyone at all.
I then realize there is shyness, unease, fear, fear of having to confront anyóne, of having to be confronted by anyone. having to enter into a polite social conversation of sorts that I would just loathe, and feel cringy about, and then worry what to say etc etc etc.
Clearly I am allowing my mind here to direct me, and I alctually allow it.

I now realize that this was not only a nice day out for the kids with the kids, its also a test for me, and clearly, I will have to face this fear, and release it.

So what would I say or do if anyone talked to me or approached me?
What would be the worse thing that could possibly happen? Would I keel over and die?

I have to realize that it is to be here, as who i am in every moment. In that way I am me, there is no looking ahead of what might or might not happen. Not living in the past and not living int he future but HERE in the moment.
And then what unfolds unfolds, and so I live from moment to moment in breath in awareness.

I still "forget" this, and allow myself to go off in some sort of mindcreated illusion yet again.

Till here no further! I direct me, I do not allow or accept mind to direct me in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here, in the moment, present, as who I really am in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply myself in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself thatt I have accepted and allowed myself to feel out of place and to allow mind to direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the beings around me instead of realizing we are ALL one and equal and that whatever I notice regarding those beings is me reflecting me to me and has got nothing to do with the being itself

neutralize words

2008-02-24T00:16:00.000-08:00

Since the only way for us here on this planet right now to communicate is through words - then isn´t is strange how much we take words for granted and how we abuse words??!!

So, through you words, with words as a tool you express who you are to other beings.

It would make sense then to say that it becomes vital to use words in awareness. Because if you do not, if you allow you to abuse words by for instance speaking- writing - without awareness - of being HERE in breath - then you take no responsability for you and your life and what you allow and do not allow. You would then allow your mind to direct you and with that you would be supporting separation from words - and the separation on this planet and amongst beings.

With this process I all of a sudden realize the imortance of this. If I am not aware of my words then I am irresponsible and self dishonest.

With that I also ask myself - words - ok - so what is a word? And then I see that within me all words have got lables, such as, "bad" words, "unsuitable" words, "naughty" words and so on.

But a word is just a word!! A word is innocent - it just is.

So it must be ME that has allowed the allocations, associations and lables on the words?!!

But, I then ask myself WHY?? How did this happen??

1) School!!! This is by far the major source for me. This is where I was taught what was apparently acceptable and what was not. Which words to not use since they were apparently not suitable, or bad, or somehow allocated into categories that was tied in with beliefs, emotions, feelings, pictures etc. So I was basically taught in school, or programmed in school to actually believe that some words were better then others. Polarity. In fact - it is clear now that school was nothing but systematic mindprogramming - moulding me and my mind itno what would be seen as an "acceptable" systematic being in a systematic society rather then allowing me as an individual, as a being in my own right to express me as who I really am, and support and assist me in that process.

And it still continues- There are children at this very moment being abused, forced and subdued to fit into this mold and we are allowing this?????!!!!!

2) Parents / Family

This is a very strange combination that a child is subjected to. School and parents - the combination causes a lot of friction and contradictions and confusion within.

You have got your paretns too that tells you that this words is unacceptable. you simply do not swear, because it might offend other people. But you can never really understand WHY a word would offend or hurt anyone. Noone can actually explain that to you, because they have been programmed the exact same way.

And then you realize that there is a lot of lying goin on, a lot of deception. Because you will then hear you parents swear, even thouhg you have just been told it is unacceptable, but apparently it is ok for themn to use a forbidden word, at least if they get really angry or huirt themselves or something goes wrong.

Just look at it- Can you see how utterly pathetic and redicilous it all is? Where is the common sense here??

The word SEX for instance. What happens inside when you see that word, read it out loud?

for me it brings up memories I´d rather not have. it brings up other words associated with it such as embarassment, tabu, wet, horny, disgust, rape etc etc etc.

So to clean that word up, or release it again I would say:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assoicate the word sex with embarassment

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted mysel to associate the word sex with pornographic pictures in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate and allocate the word tabu to the word sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word sex as something disgusting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word sex with rape, pain and abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the words sex as ugly, dirty, filthy and unsuitable

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to associate the word sex with power, manipulation, money, fear and control

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word sex with wetness, noise, sweat, liquid, violence, and agression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the words sex

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sexually abused by men in my life

I forgive myself taht I have accpeted and allowed myself to abuse sex and abuse me

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate men with sex

I forgive myself that I have accpepted and allowed myself to abuse the word sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and control men in my life through sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word sex with horny, kissing, fondling, touching, moaning, and orgasm

- as I am doing this forgiveness I realise the layers upon layers here. Any words I use in the forgiveness, if there is any reactuion within I also have to look at that specific word and apply forgiveness accordingly.

Write them all out and then speak it out loud.

So - clearly we have to "clean" words up. Since we all have different allocations, thoughts, feeligns and emotions attached to different words we have to individually work through it, and apply self forgiveness on any reaction or feeling, emotion, picture, memory , etc if any that a word brings up within us.

Until the moment arrives when a word is just a word. When it is innocent again, and can be used without any lables again. Free the words and you will free you!!

Where the word is one and equal to you, as life in oneness and equality.

It will take dedication!!

And once we have forgiven a word, and realeased it we can test ourselves with the word purifier too (can be found at http://www.desteni.co.za/).

until we are all one and equal to all manifestations and beings in creation!

Mother - and my systems

2008-02-23T13:30:00.001-08:00

Earlier this week mum came to stay for a few days. It was a surprise, I knew she might come soon, but not which day or even roughly when.
The very first thing that entered my head when I saw her car was ah - brilliant opportunity to test my application. I actually registered that not much was occuring inside either, not like it used to do when I immediately went into fear of judgment mode regarding the lack of cleaning.

I hadn´t spoken to mum about process prior to the visit. There just wasn´t a reason or opportunity as such - or perhaps I just decided not to until I felt confident within to actually talk to her about it.

So one evening we somehow entered the subject of life in general, how fucked up things are etc.
There was a few things or issues within that all of a sudden popped up while I was talking about process:

I seemed to struggle to find words at times to express me and my process. It was like I went blank at times to find the "right words". As I am aware of this lack of flow in words, I all of a sudden have a reaction, an emotion within, and my face starts getting warmer and warmer, I am also actually embarassed that I cannot find the words or the flow and I immediately know within that this is because of self dishonesty, about self trust and the apparent lack thereof, words in separation from me.

I continue though. And to my great surprise she actually says that it makes sense she says and to me, well that to me its a relief and a sort of wow experience within because up until now I have been told I am nuts, crazy, brainwashed, that it will and can never work etc etc from others so this was a breath of fresh air so to speak.
Now, Í can´t been sure that this means she is now totally aware of her process no, but it does mean that perhaps something might have sparked something within her and that this will show further down the line.
Anyway, my "goal" or "aim" wasn´t and never will be from a starting point of try to change anyone or make anyone see.

But I also had to ask myself what is my starting point here?
Am I doing this because I feel that she should know this and that she would somehow think that I am actually very dedicated, that I am "good for something", perhaps it´ll make her look upon me as more than just a loser and a failure, someone that was never good enough or reached the goals they as my parents set up (perhaps even that is an illusion on my behalf).

There might have been something like that lurking underneath it all, that I must have supressed in that case.
because to me, I am responsable for me, but also for her since we are all one and equal. As in, at least I show her the door, as best I can. She will then have to walk through it in her own process.
But to me, to shut up about it would not be self honesty to me.

I also managed to fall in process during the last few days, because I also allowed myself to participate in mind less babbeling with regards to relatives, the past experiences of the fucked up family we used to be, and as I am doing that I am AWARE I am doing it. Still I participate in this and on top of that allow myself to become emotional when bringing back memories.

So this was all very cool to me, and very not much cool too!
Because I see now, there are many points within still that needs releasing. I experienced a lot of thoughts, pictures, feelings and emotions during our conversation so the visit wasn´t only nice, it assisted a lot with process too.

i forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate me from words

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel embarassed for not finding the right words and fearing judgment and ridicule because of it

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear others as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unworthy, as a loser, a noone that could never live up to my parents apparent expectations of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt after talking to mum about process out of fear of confusing her or making her sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply self trust in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when speaking about family

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in gossip and mind babbeling instead of remaining her , stable in breath as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify process to someone else instead of simply not allowing mind to create anything but foe me as who I really am to direct the sitation in oneness and equality

I do NOT allow any thoughts , emotions and feelings. I am here- I am stable - I am infinite- I direct me - I am life

I will go to bed now - work more on and with this issue tonight and tmrrw. But right now body is screaming - rest please Marianne!! lol

Im so shy I could die

2008-02-16T13:13:00.000-08:00

I used to think I was born shy. And I used to consider it being a kind of deformity because it always restricted my life. Or so I "thought" I didnt realize then that it was because of my own allowance.

I am fine like this, when I can express myself in writing. I am very efficient that way, and I can express myself easily this way, but when it comes to facing someone - and speaking, well I start feeling uncomfortable. I immediately start wondering what the other person might be thinking of me, it is literally like opening this door inside, and then who i really am simply exits the body, so that all that is left to run the show is systems. Marianne has left the buliding lol

It´s gotten easier over the years, I have learned ways of controlling it.
It´s like I was always scared of just letting go, to just see what would happen if I simply dropped the illusion and just allowed me to be.

As a kid I used to be the quiet shy girl in the corner. Who just stood there and observed. Feeling almost as if I was not worthy of any attention or that I simply was not interesting enough to talk to. Not that I really missed any of the bullshit, because they all mostly talked bullshit. But I felt like an outsider, like I wasn´t supposed to be there at all. Like I had been dumped into this strange place and did not belong at all.

So didn´t have loads of friends, never wanted loads of friends either, Just a couple that I occasionally played with after school. It was never easy for me to let anyone in, to open up and be me. It took time, and on some level I had to make sure it would be "worth" it for me to do it, only if I was sure that the person was for real, loyal, trustworthy and really wanted to know me as who i am, not because they felt they had to, or I dunno - basically I could do witouth people who lied, were superficial, and just not "for real".

Now ofcourse I realize that this is how I am "wired" or preprogrammed. All to keep me from getting anywhere as in realizing what the hell is really going on and start dwelling into the workings of things. Well, it might have delayed it for me, but it was in no way going to stop me, because I also always had this drive inside, always asking questions, never believing everything or anything I was told. Not trusting anyone or anything.The survival game kept me preoccupied more then anything else, that combined with the relationship system, is what sidelined me for a while.

For me it will be a great help to do vlogs. It will be a great tool for testing me and pushing me to not fear speaking. Funny how I seem to be living and doing and experiencing situations and things that I always used to say I´d never ever want to face or never ever wanted to go through or do. They say be careful what you wish for, but to me its in reverse here too. Never say never, because that never will manifest - or will it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate and lable myself as being shy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually beleive that I could not speak up, that I could not live the way I wanted to live because of irrational fears and illusions of mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from other human beings and compare me to other human beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I had no worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely, to feel as an outsider and to feel unwanted and misplaced

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe gatherings and parties because of fear of having to mingle and talk bullshit

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge me as being unattractive, uninteresting, boring, a nobody

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that most human beings just seemed extremely stupid and narrowminded and selfobsessed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy people who easliy could socialize

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind direct me through thoughts, feelings , pictures and emotions

Till here no further: I do not accept or allow mind to direct me in any way through judgment, thoughts, envy, polarities, fear, I direct me as life as all as one in oneness and equality.
I am life. I am free. I am HERE in every moment of every breath.

What is Love?

2008-02-15T13:44:00.000-08:00

Love - a chemical hormonal reaction within your brain that your mind then interprets as desireable and a feeling of being alive?

There can be no better system to entrap and keep human beings pre occupied in their little bubble then that. And you have to give it credit, very well designed for what it was meant to do!

I´m no different. I see now that I was preprogrammed to fall in love, to search for love and I could go to great lenghts to try to experience love, the feeling of falling in love, the feeling of being desired or wanted by someone, the total illusion that you belonged together, that you are worth something, that you ARE someone, that you are apparently ALIVE.
Such a deception.
And the bizarre thing is, it doesn´t seem to matter how many times you fall out of love, how many times you do a crash landing when it ends, you still go on repeating the same shit over and over again.

Loop!

But I see all this now. So for me the loop has ended. I hacked the code!!
I´ve got the tools now to immediately stop that programme.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to search for love and actually believe that love would make me "whole"

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire, want and need approval from something or someone outside of me to tell me I am worthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I can be lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there would actually be someone refered to as "the one" out there and that it was just a matter of time before I found that person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the past always have looked at people I´ve met as from the perspective "is he/she a potential partner or not" instead of seeing the being itself

I forgive myslef that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress the part of me that is bisexual out of shame and fear of being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for love to feel safe, secure, wanted, appreciated, seen, taken care of, protected and happy instead of realizing that none of that exists outside of me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to be in a relationship out of fear of having to be alone with me and to be self intimate with me and face me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that someone is attractive or not attractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an image of what a potential partner should look like in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people by how they look and present themselves without realizing that what I see is just a picture presentation and not who they really are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want anything or anyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment and shame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to feel,think and be emotional and by that living in and through my mind instead of who I really am as all as one in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I simply wasn´t good enough or pretty enough to get the partner I really wanted anyway since they would never dem me as good or pretty enough

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see me as not as good as anyone else, or lacking in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare me to other beings such as - are they prettier than, me, sexier than me, more attractive than me, funnier, more intelligent than me etc instead of seeing the total mind fuck in that and realizing we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek partners that are older than me since I somehow found them more attractive, more experienced, more settled, more stable and capable of taking care of me instead of me realizing that I do not need anyone to take care of me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be attracted to older men because of their perceived sexual experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted to younger women because I found them physically more attractive and for desiring older women because they are apparently more experienced

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for my desire for relationship with older men, since I never had a father the way a father apparently should be and hence when desiring a realtionship with older men I am in reality looking for a father figure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame anyone or anything outside of me instead of me taking responsability for me and my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to actually believe it is possible to fall in love - it is not - it is just a mind created illusion and not real

Till here no further,. I do not accept or allow mind to direct me in any way or influence me in any way. I am life. I direct me. I am here. I am infite. I am breath

The Relationship TRAP

2008-02-13T00:10:00.000-08:00

It just dawned on me today - REALLY dawned on me that I have never ever taken responsability for myself not once in my entire life.

That is shocking!

I left home when I was 16 after my parents divorce (longed for divorce) after realizing there was no way I could continue to live with my father, so i just left. I decided one day that enough was enough, just quite school and hitchhiked to my then boyfriend some 90 kilometers from where we lived.
I didn´t have any money, just decided that that was it, and off I went. I wasn´t scared, not at all - just very determined to get out of that house no matter what.
Mum had moved out, taking my little brother with him and me and my other brother had to stay because of school, there was nothing that kept me in that place I had to go.

But I realize now that that was the very beginning of me being reliant on others, putting the responsability of me onto someone else because that was really really shit scary.
To stand on my own two legs and support myself in this world, that to me has been something frightening because somehow I never thought I was capable of it, always put myself down, underestimated me, hid behind all sorts of excuses, no self worth, no self asteam nothing.
So because of that fear that I allowed, I ended up in an extremely destructive relationship, and accepted this for three years (because I had nowhere else to go). Until one day I realized, no, I gotta get out, I cant stay here any longer. So one night at work, on the late shift, I just called mum from work and asked her if she could pick me up. The cup had run over, so, I didn´t tell the boyfriend, I just emptied my pockets for cash, gave them to a workmate , wrote him a note with the money, and off I went. I just quite the job then and there.
What on earth posessed me to give him my money Ive no idea, perhaps guilt for actually leaving in that way.
I just didnt see any other way out. It was go or die, simple as that.

But instead of me facing me and what I had allowed, facing the situation and sorting it out, I ran instead. Constantly running from me.
This time I ran back to mum - and ofcourse that didnt solve anything.

From mum straight into another relationship - eight years in a non working relationship - escaped again into another relationship - married out of fear of being alone and no here I am , three children, house, etc but really, nothing has changed. I am still running. Or am I?

Have I finally come to a full stop now. Because I realize I cannot do this, I HAVE to face me and take responsability for me and my life. I have been runnign out of fear - that is clear now.
As I stop now, it all comes flooding back. It´s like this HUGE tidalwave behind me that I have been running all my life to escape is towering over my head, and I can feel the first waterdrops starting to fall. In fact, I´m starting to get soaked, and any day now, it´s going to come crashing down on me.

SO here I am then. I cant run anymore - it is inevitable.
All the running, I have every time "chosen" self dishonesty, and now it has compounded so much that the situation I have to face, is twice as tough to what it could have been had I had this realization, allowed myself the realization years ago.
I have created my own worse fears, an I am now staring them straight in the face. Everything I never ever wanted to go through or to experience is busy manifesting in my life. Be very careful to use the word never!

I am walking through this - and I take self responsability. I am facing me and all that I have allowed in my life and within me. No matter what, this is where it ends and begins.
It took me 38 years of running, I am fucking FED up with it. If I die in the process - then so be it - but till here no further! I stand up within me for me as me as life as all as one in oneness and equality!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from me my entire life instead of taking self responsability in every mometn of every breath and directing me as life in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress me as who I really am by entering relationships to not be alone and to hide from taking self respnsability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from me as who I really am out of fear of what I might find

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I cant support myself, that I am worthless, that I am no good, that I have no skills not realizing this is all mindfucks and has got nothing to do with who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress me out of fear of surviving in this world, fear of not having any money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost and constantly put my self trust outside of me into someone or something else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse me by entering destructive relationships because of fear of selfsupport and self responsability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that relationships was something you should do because that is what every body does and you are someone when you are in one, because there must be something wrong with you in others eyes if you are single

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be insecure, to not trust myself , to not honor myself , to not love and accept myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self intimacy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused and to abuse me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear and let fear direct my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself not worthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self judgment and judgment from others

I forgive myself that I havent allowed and accepted myself to honor me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take me for granted, to take life for granted, to take everything for granted

I forgive myself that I havent allowed and accepted myself to be grateful for me, grateful for life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from who I really am as life as all as one in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and dissapointed with myself for the lack of application in my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get lost or lose myself instead of realizing it is impossible for me to experience this, hence it is all mind creations and not real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame others for my situation, instead of realizing I am resonsible for my life and noone else, noone can live my life for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter relationships that I knew would never work, that I knew was not "meant to be" but still did it out of fear of loneliness and survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and fear life

Till here no further: I do not allow or accept anything less of me or anyone else thatn who I/we really are no matter what.
I accept me, I love me, I am grateful of me, I love life, I am life.

Oh Lord wont you buy me

2008-02-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

Hmmm

What relationship do I have to this fictional figure called God?

I used to think as a child that maybe just maybe he sat up there, just like grandma so firmly believed. And mum I suppose, but grandma by far had the worse case of "ibeliveingodsyndrome", or rather the God demon placement system.

Grandma used to sit glued to the cermon every time it was on the radio. She taught me to pray before I went to sleep so that nothing could hurt me. (what an excellent way to produce a fearful child, no wonder dark was scary, there was something out there that could get you unless you prayed)

I dont blame her, she didnt know any better I suppose.

I have vague memories of sunday school as a very young child, and I remember not wanting to go, the strict vicar, it was boring and the pews were wooden and so uncomfortable. There was always something that didnt add up, like some sort of pretence that was put on as soon as everyone entered church, and I didn´t like it.

But ofcourse, I soon realized that the God story was nothing but another fairy tale. Utter bullshit from beginning to end. I could never get my head around how someone who was supposedly so good allowed anyone to be sad or hurt, and most of all, why did you have to fear him ?

I was confirmated when I was fifteen, but not because of faith, hell no, it was because it was simply something you "should" do, all my friends did it, and on top of that you got money, or jewellery. And ofcourse money the REAL god, not that anyone ever looked at it that way.

So God does not, never has been and never will exist. And there is actually some sort of comfort in that. Because I suspect I would have seen it as pretty hopeless if there actually was a God up there considering how things look down here. Think about it, if a God existed that could allow all of this to happen that is currently happening in our world and do NOTHING about it, then damn, that is a bloke I´d never want to meet.

In a way I am grateful to grandma, because without her extreme belief, perhaps i would have had to go deeper into that to understand what a fraud it was.

Because I always had this urge inside to find out what was really going on, what makes everything tick, and who I am, where we all fit in.

I knew that it was far more to it than met the eye, but I could never find any answers that made sense. There was only answers up until a certain point, and then - nothing - a sort of empty hollow there, a void of mystery.

The strange thing also is that noone in my life seemed to have the same questions as I grew up, or perhaps noone simply never talked about these things.

So, my life has been spent searching for those answers, Never really believing in anything. But knowing that there is more to it...I realized we didnt die. It just did not make sense to me that you live here and then poof your gone.

My oldest son came home from school one day with a note asking if it was ok that the children were given the childrens bible. They had been talking about god quite a lot it seemed, because I had questions from him in the past, if there was a God, what I thought about it etc, and I told him what to me is obvious, and then all the hows and whys. It dawned on me that it must be extremely confusing for a young child to be exposed to the very selective information they are stuffed with in school. Especially when members of your family see things a bit differently.
At least he has got someone to talk to about these things. That is assistance in itself.

He also knows that mum never ever will tell him some story based on deception and lies and that if he comes to me with a question, he will get a truthful answer in common sense that is based on oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon the word God as being of a male definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there was a God in the sky when I was a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assoicate the word God with negativity, fear, deception, hatred and death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate God with Church

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to associate the word church with deception, hatred, polarity, punishment, fear, money and abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to church at certain events even though i do not want to, but still do, because that is what you apparently "should do"

I forgive myself that I have associated the word church with priest and vicar

i forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allocate superiority to the word God and to associate the having to put a captial G in the word God that to me resembles superiority or something of importance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word priest or vicar to deception, abuse, manipulation, lies, fear, authority and pretence

I forgive mysel that I have allowed and accepted myself to associate the words; God, church, faith, religion, preacher, prayer, vicar, priest to certain pictures in my mind - I delete all pictures, emotions, thoughts, feelings and emotions attached or allocated to these words.

I do not accept or allow any association or allocation to any word. Words are innocent - words are.

Forgiveness appl. 5th Feb

2008-02-05T12:57:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread going to this specific dentist that I on some level dislike and out of embarassement regarding conversations we have had in the past struggle with making an appointment and in that not realizing that it is my mind directing me and not me as who I really am as life as all as one - I do not allow my mind to direct me - I direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dislike towards this person or any being because this person is mirroring me and aspects of me I do not like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysel to not like certain aspects of me - allowing self deceit and self dishonesty up until the point where I cannot even specifically say precisely what points that is since I do not know, cannot remember or are supressing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me and different aspects of me instead of realizing that I am all one and equal as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really dislike my ego placement not realizing that by disliking it I am actually supporting it instead of simply applying self forgiveness accordingly and remove that dislike and also remove my ego placement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysel to believe that I might be overcomplicating things, even my self forgiveness applications and hence fear creating timeloops instead of transcending points

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy when I receive compliments on something I have done, and hence feel very uneasy if someone tells me I´ve done a good job for instance not realizing that it is my mind that reacts - not me as life as one and equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel or actually believe I am unworthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysel to be self critical

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to deliberatly avoid certain situations where I am forced to be social, as in a coffee break with people I have never met not realising that I am then allowing mind to direct me and that I am not in the moment in breath applying myself appropriately and accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing new people in my process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself at work as not worthy of anything, not worth talking to since I am apparently doing such a shit job and hence constantly feel "in the way" and people wanting me out of there - not realizing that I have to STOP, and not allow mind to direct or try to control me in any way - I direct me as who I really am in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to place any value in what people do for a living and in that ranking them as superiour to me instead of realizing that we are all one and equal and that it is my mind telling me all these things - all illusional

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to see the nurses and the doctors at the clinic as one and equal to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unimportant, insignificant and different to every one else around me hence yet again allowing mind to direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the estranged dog outside the house immediately allowing mind to direct me instead of remaining here in breath as life as all as one and equal

I forgive mysel that I have allowed and accepted myself to see some dogs as dangerous and unpredictable not realizing that what I am seeing the dog is assisting with and something I need to transcend

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suppress the fear of some dogs so deep that I hardly knew it was there

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted that these fears of mind of the dog actually mirror me in others so that the chilren became scared of the dog instead of me facing me and transcend my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowe myself to feel guilty towards my children for them being frightened of the dog

Till here no further: I DO NOT allow mind to direct and control me.
I am life as all as one and equal. I do not allow any thoughts , feelings, and emotions because that is simply not who I am. I am here. I am life as all as one and equal

Sunday 3rd Feb

2008-02-03T07:21:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define who I am according to who my parents are and on my past as it has been told to me through parents and grandparents

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I actually know who I am when all I know is of mind and based on mind that has been programmed through parents, school, experiences as mind in this existense and the environments I have experienced myself in – thus I still yet do not know who I really am

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel separate from my parents

I forgive myself that I have allowed an accepted myself to blame my parents for all that I have experienced and for the mind consciousness system I have beome because in having me they allowed the enslavement and separation to cointinue – not realizing that I as who I am are equally responsible for it all since we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my parents because they were apparently superiour to me and hence I had to obey them and be controlled by them

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel and become dependant on my parents

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create a ”world within the world”, ”my world” where i feel comortable and ”safe”, where I live my life the way I know how to, like a system as all the rest of humanity not for one moment actually waking up and starting to see what I am allowing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become enslaved without realizing the full implications of such an allowance and the debth of self deception and self dishonesty requiered within me for this to be able to manifest

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live my life in total separation of life itself, like a robot, craving consumation not realizing that I am consuming me as all as one and equal and not realizing that I am nothing more than a system robot walking on earth

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to pity myself and feel sorry for myself by thinking that I didn´t chose to be born, I didn´t know I was enslaved, I was just living my life and all was fine instead of realizing that feelings thoughts and emotions like this are of the mind, and since I have allowed mysel to ecome enslaved by mind I am responsible for all that I experience and of all that human beings are and are manifesting and in this living a lie in total self deception

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel guilty for not realizinf sooner in my life what was really going on and guilty for not having applied myself earlier instead of simply making peace with that and deicate myself to application now insteaf of livinf in the past – I am here now, In the moment, in every moment o every breath.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to doubt myself and my effectiveness in process instead of just remaining here in breath and realize that doubt is yet another mind manifestation and not who I really am

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to consider myself a ”bad” person, not as whorty because of my past and the experiences I have had instead of realizing that we are all one and equal and that we are all responsible for all that has been allowed in our existance

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself and the way I look instead of being grateful for the unconditional support my body has given me and continues to give me in my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to subject my body to abuse such as drinking alcohol, consuming chemicals through my food, not providing enough water, and generally being totally ignorant towards the body, taking it for granted instead of honoring it and being in graitude of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body or any part of my body

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to take life for granted

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not listen to the inner me in different situations in my life but allowed mind to direct me and hence ended up in situations I could have avoided

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at certain points in my life wish I was dead or had the wish to die because I could not see a way out intead of standing up within and taking responsability for me and my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted my environment and people in my life to direct and influence me in any way whatsoever – who I really am cannot be influenced or directed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become dependant upon others for my survival instead of taking self responsability and support myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependant upon another for emotional and moral support instead or realizing that I do not need to be depenant on anyone, that is an excuse out of fear of taking self responasbility and face me as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept me

Issues within

2008-01-31T14:09:00.001-08:00

I´ve been feeling pretty shit lately. Like I said on the chat, not like myself at all, There was something there, lurking about, some issue or other that needed dealing with , I just could not put my finger on it, until Adele came along and assisted on the chat it triggered supressed stuff that might be what is causing it so we´ll see what comes out.....

Childbirth - hmmm yes - theres a lot o shit involved regarding this within me.
it has not even occured to me until now that actually this needs to be looked at.

I had three ceasarians. of which only the third was a planned one, because after having two they simply would not allow you to "risk" a natural birth.

The first one was extremely traumatic. I was overdue, it was my first child, I was in the UK, had no family around me, no friends or support, and for me at that point, family would have been the support I "needed", especially my mum.
(I had to stop here for a while, because it makes me sob just writing that out...)
I felt so lonely in that moment, I was surrounded by people in the hospital, but I have never felt lonelier in my entire life.
I was afraid of everything, I feared death, pain, the uncertanty of having a child, if the child would be ok, the responsability of having a child, but I hid all o this inside. The relationship was already then not working, and I felt zero support from that side. Which ofcourse compounded all I felt even more.
On top of this, the natural birth I so desired, simply did not want to happen. I didn´t dilate, so it was decided that an emergency ceasarian would be done.
In this room with me was my husband and this nurse or midwife. I remember lying there in the early stages while she and my husband were infused in this conversation, which seemed very intense, it was like I felt "forgotten"as I was lying there. i almost felt like I was in the way, which in turn just underlined what I already then had realised about that relationship. Sort o one of the ultimate betrayals...pretty shit realization to come to when you are lying there about to give birth, and the situation is too far gone already..
The sequence of happenings from then on are a it blury. I remember this nurse coming in to shave my pubic hair, because they were going to put the cut as low as they could.
That would have been fine, and somethign I would not have remembered if it were not for her comment as she pulled my pants down to do it; Oh, I see you have shaved, didn´t leave much down there for us did you..?" And I remember going WTF??? did she really say that... it was patronising. here I was lying exposed and voulnerable, in pain,with strangers doing thsi to me, and she blurts out something like that. I didn´t say anthing. I was in pain, and the pain was getting worse. When that is over they put a tube up to drain the urine because when you get an epidural, as I was going to have you cant control that anymore.

When all this is done they call for the nurse who is suppose to stick the needle inside your spine. By this time I am in agony. And this is where it ges really shitty.
The nurse they eventually get there, is very young and very inexperienced. I am told to sit on the bed, swing my legs over to the side and bend over as much as possible so that she can put the needle in the spine in the lower back(you try doing that with a tummy that is enormous). I was in so much pain that I was getting loud at this stage. And the nurse was struggeling to put the needle right, she couldnt find the right spot. All the time the pain just got worse. She must have put that needle in seven or so times, failing everytime, and there is chaos in this room. There are lots of nurses, someone is wiping my forehead while I scream, it is agony sitting like this, and also the fear and frustration of her not getting it in. They try to call for a senior doctor, but have to stop it, he cant be found, so they wheel me in an put me under anasteathics. It is difficult to put into words exactly how chaotic and traumatic it was- even one of the midwifes started crying. NOT a good experience.
I didn´t feel like a fellow human being, I felt like I was worth nothing, like I was just a problem that needed to be fixed. I vaguely remember change of personel in the middle of it. I bet they were happy to leave.
My next memory is waking up as the nurse comes in with the baby. He is wrapped up in a white cloth, so i just hold him there close to me, happy it is all over.
Then the surgion comes in and tells me that he has accidentally cut the babys head, cut a piece o the skin o as he was doing the ceasarian, and he shows me (I hadn´t realized up until this point) that he has got a small bandage at the back of his head, and he peels it of and shows me, it is maybe two-three centimeters wide and its bleeding slightly. He assures me the baby is fine, and that it will heal. I do not function properly yet, Im still in shock and dazed.
The next day one of these hospital representatives comes to my bed, and talks to me about the event. I cant remember exatly what was said, but he would file a rapport. And that was it.

You would have thought that after that, knowing all I did, you´d never have any more children. Well that´s when human nature beggars belief, and it goes to show that nothing but mind was running my life:

Next time around I am told it is ok to try for a natural birth so I opt for that, BAD BAD BAD choice. And i get pissed off when I think about it, if they had read my files, i doubt they would have suggested that, but perhaps not all was put in it, I still do not know to this day what is written in it, I was adviced by a midwife not to read it - (hmmmm go figure!)
I get induced and I am lying there alone in this room, a different hospital this time. (I swore i´d never put my foot in the first one ever again). The pain is starting to mount, but I am cool, and they give me gas, which I hold on to like my life depends on it.
I am alone though, I lie there for a couple o hours. They try to call my husband, but no matter how many times i give the number, they never get through.
So I start experiencing this fear again. I soo would like the support there, anyone, if just anyone could come in and sit by my side. Just hold my hand, or just BE there. But I suppose they are too busy...By the time they do get a hold of my husband it is past midnight, and I im in so much pain that I am begging him to just get me out of it,..to do whatever it takes because I cannot cope with this. The gas is doing no good, and I am given a few shots of some painkiller that does not help at all.
I bite so hard on the mouthpiece to the gas that I brake that and a piece of my front tooth.
I have never ever before experienced pain like it, and if i ever do again, I´ll end it. I was begging for anyone to just kill me- get it over with - I really did not care at that point HOW it stopped as long as it did. it is impossible to describe this pain, no words can, it would have to be experienced.
Eventually they take me out to put me to sleep again, and I am so relieved. i beg them to hurry up - and I remember being lifted up on the operating table, stiff like a board litterally from the pain, and experiencing such gratitude because I know, in a moment it will be over.
I do not wish for any woman or anyone else on this planet to ever have to experience that pain. It is totally unacceptable. If I could have had God there then, if the son of a bitch had existed, i would have killed the fucker then and there!

The third time I go straight in for surgery. it is all smooth, apart from having serious trouble waking up afterwards, they had a struggle to get me back.
I remember being hooked up to this machine checking my blood pressure constantly, but I was in and out of it. I came to occationally when the machine alarmed the personell and they came running. This happened a few times. I had a drain put in the wound which was connected to this bottle that I had to drag around with me. I spent five days in hospital,pumped full of morphine through my hand to take away any pain, for the first day or two. I remember having this button to press to up the dose a bit and I pressed that bloody button as much as I could.One day they came to remove the drain. When i got the question: "Do you want us to do it fast or slow?" I went oooh shit -noooo not good!! This is gonna hurt! If anyone on that ward was sleeping- I woke them up!!!!

So , in a nutshell - that is my memory of the childbirths i went through.
The scar is not big, but for years I had very sharp pains from it. They claimed it was because of scar tissue underneath the skin. I am still aware of it.

I realise that apart from the physical pain, there is much more lurking underneath, such as the non existant relationship to my husband. And the total lack of support, as in emotional, unconditional unselfish support, and an attempt to put self in my situation as to understand and maybe assist in any way, but I was never gonna get that from him, and I knew that, I realized that the very first day when I knew I was pregnant and told him the news. i will never, ever forget the response and reaction. His answer to the positive test was: Oh FUCK! and then he swiftly turned around and started walking to his office. From that moment I knew that relationship was never going to be an assisting and supportive one, but then it was in my head "too late".
No , in fact, I knew from the very beginning that it was not meant to be. And i know the reasons to why I held on anyway, I´m not so sure he knows why he did, because I´d be surprised if he actually on a deeper level really looked at it considred our relationship to be what he desired in one...
Why do people stay in raltionships even though they know itll never work??
Why do you keep on trying, keep on hoping? You know within you, but you choose to supress that - thinking it´ll be allright, all will be ok - yeah right!

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to still contain memories of my childbirths and all the traumatic experiences that they entailed instead of releasing them and letting them go- by keeping them I am simply holding on to and living in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel worthy, not feel worthy of being loved for who I am unconditionally, and acknowleged for who I am as a person within the relationship to Chris not realizing that it was my mind needing all those things, me as who I really am do not need anyting or anyone outside of self since all is one and equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need a relationship in life to be able to function as a human being and to be content when in reality I do not need anyting outside of me

I forgive mysel that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear taking responsbility for me and my experiences and blaming anyone else for what I experience inside of me on something outside and separate from me - not realizing it is because of my allowances as my mind CONsciousness sytem that is experiencing this and not who I am as life as all as one and equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame anything or anyone else but my mind or all my experiences in the past on mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need my mother for support not realizing that my mother is a system placement in my life, created as all family, and friend manifestations to enslave and maintain belief of separation and inferiority and fear of loss- my mother is one and equal to me as life as all as one and equal as are all being in my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted fear or responsability in my life for me and of me and my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I can be lost, alone, separated, lose control, less than, unwanted, unattractive, lonely, sad, unhappy, regretful - only mind experience these - mind is a consciousness creation and not who I really am.
Till here no further. I am not allowing mind to control me or trap me wihtin memories.
I release all memories of my past since they were all based in and of mind and hence all illusionary . I am here. I am stable. I am life as all as one and equal.

FEAR - self honesty

2008-01-30T05:26:00.000-08:00

I just watched Andrews vlog caught in the act , and I suppose it could have been me sitting there..(well in a way it was lol)

because I´ve now got this blog going, I´ve also started a similar in swedish about process, and it has run through my mind as well, you know, some of the stuff I´ve put up would be like a smack in the gob to those people in my life concerned, and that I suppose is what makes me have any reaction when thinking about ANYONE reading what I have said.

But then again, its not really possible to hurt anyone, since if you hurt, you know you are of and within mind...

I cannot feel bad about being honest, I have to be honest, I cannot be anythin else, anything less than who I really am.

And then I wonder, if on some level maybe Im deceiving me- as if there is this fraction within me that I might have missed, that is self deceptive, and that I haven´t got to yet, and then it would be deceptive to claim I am honest. I suppose that has got to do with self trust issues.

I also wondered to myself, well , to transcend this fear of family seeing my process in all its glory, surely the best and most effective way of doing that would be to tell them, and send them a link to the blog. But then, yes I transcend that fear, but is this not my ego wanting to do that? Since the very act that I have put my process in public, and anyone can see it, surely that is statement in itself and in that I should be able to transcend that fear.

Hmmmm- am I mind fucking myself here??
Simplicity is the key and yet I seem to manage to get it complicated:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my family or relatives will see my blog out of fear of their reactions and judgements and fear of loss we are all one and equal, life in equality and oneness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that the idea of family , friends and realtives is a construct of mind, created to enslave and maintain fear and dependency and hence it´s all an illusion and not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can forget, it is impossible for me as who I really am to forget anything

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to still allow fear within me - fear is an illusion - not real-who I really am can not experience fear

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow mind to tell me anything or to still influence me in any way - I am not my mind- nothing can influence me as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can complicate anything - all there is simply is - only mind can concieve complication

...to continue this evening...

Jealosy - mind **** galore

2008-01-28T13:50:00.000-08:00

I just have to comment to self first; I cannot believe I actually used **** instead of FUCK!!
What is that all about - ?? lol

anyway - oh dear - this really is a roller coaster -
So far in this process I can safely say that it is the most difficult, demanding, rewarding, important, scary and exhillirating venture I have ever applied myself to.
Sometimes it slike I take one step forth and three back - but at least I am applying myself in process - no matter what. I am walking through this - and I might be bruised in all shades under the sun, but I will get through it - NO MATTER WHAT.

I got a lot of issues within that has come forth in the last few days, but mostly yesterday and today. So , I will go through them and release with self forgiveness:

Firstly I have to say that I feel physically as if I have been run over by a huge truck. I am dazed, aching in strange places, stiff, I can tell that my mind consciousness system is putting up a big fight and trying all it can to keep its grip - well it aint gonna work. I will not stop until it is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of Leila, Andrew and Ann , not to mention AMP's processes, since they are younger and will be more effective naturally and because of this I allow my mind to tell me that I will never make it, that they are soo lucky to not have had to go through what poor me has gone through and hence i feel envious instead of simply saying STOP! I do not allow my mind to control me or try to tell me I am anything less than equal and one to all beings in existence and that I accept me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel inferior to Leila, Andrew, Ann and Amp on the forum not realizing that this is simply a mind construct and not real we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept me, to not love me, to not realize that I am no more or less than any other being in existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry with myself for allowing such stupidity within me as to not simply stop all these thoughts , feelings and emotions once and for all and stop bloddy winging and just dedicate myself within process and get it done!

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that I might one day end up like trey, lost yet again and back to square one because that to me would be far worse than just dying and doing a much tougher process in the dimensions

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to still allow any fear, doubt, insecurity, judgement, feelings, thoughts, emotions, pictures, sounds, smells, tastes to have any affect on me what so ever or have any association to eachother in any way - they are all mind consciousness constructs and NOT REAL

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ego direct me by allowing it to want to get noticed, want support and affirmation, want to be heard, want to be seen, want support and assistance all the time, feel sorry for itself, feel let out without realizing that my ego is a major mind construct that I am deleting - erasing from within me and existance because that is not who I am.
Till here no further; I do not allow or accept any ego manifestation, any mind constructs or systems, any fear to direct me and control me in any way what so ever - I direct me as who I really am in oneness and equality in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of my breath and be in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get angry with me for allowing myself to get emotional when my son calls me names, because I apparently get hurt, and disappointed and believe him to not love me without realizing that this is not who I am, who I really am cannot ge hurt or disappointed hence only mind gets hurt

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to forget that my children are beigns just like me in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my mind go of on a trip where it imagines different outcomes should this and that relationship agreement be entered without realizing that is a major mind trip and hence I STOP it immediately. I am here - I direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated because Bernard and Sunette and dimensional beins knows exactly the "outcome" and whether we will make it or not in this process and hence see each and alls processes and how they unfold and in that I doubt myself and my process becaue perhaps I´m "fucked" anway but have to discover this on my own not realizing that it´s about self trust and my application and not to allow mind to tell me or direct me in any way. STOP the mind.

I am life as all as one in oneness and equality. I am here in every moment of every breath - directing me to stop mind and to birth myself as who I really am in the physical.
And so I am until it is done.

Relationships (of all sorts)

2008-01-27T05:28:00.000-08:00

I dunno, felt like sitting down and writing some. There is so much really to write and so I suppose it´s a matter of just diving in there., peeling of as it were...
I suppose I tend to compare myself to the other guys in process as well, which ofcourse is really really pathetic and of mind, but still in some way it also pushes me to overcome any resistance I might have as I go along depending on what stage I am at..

I read the chat earlier where Bernard says that it's a good idea to put in writing how to go about in different everyday situations where you´d "normally as a system" suppress you or and your opinions, or tell half lies to keep "the peace" as it were , and at first I thought, well , is it not more of a test for me personally to see how I apply myself in the moment? It almost seemed a bit like planning how I would/should in self honesty behave - but ofcourse, it is more like a pre-tending to a moment so that I might transcend any embarassement or as to make a particular moment smoother for me in my process.

So, i thought about some biggies I will face, it´s just a matter of time:

Inlaws coming to stay for a couple of weeks.
First within me check for any reactions of thoughts, feelings and emotions, whatever comes up within regarding them and then apply forgiveness until i am equal and one and clear.

Secondly: what points do I find "difficult" when they are here.

1) They always tend to "take over". As in, this is my domain, my house, where I live my life with the children as we like to live it, and we are content here, with how everyday life moves along.
Now, with taking over I mean stuff like;
Insisting to do all the dishes, after every meal. You might say, oh, that is very nice of them, but no, in my opinion I am "chased" out of the kitchen and told to go and do "my thing" while they clean up.
I have always in the past just humoured them, but boiled inside. It is very patronizing, and then I go, but ahh, WHY do I perceive anything to be patronizing no matter who it comes from?
Clearly I have not placed mysel as equal and one to them....
Also, instead of "humouring" them I could simply say what I feel and experience:

a)Actually, I would prefer to do the dishes. You are here visiting and can go and just relax after dinner, or do whatever you like. You are guests here for these to weeks. So I would really appreciate if you would leave the dishes to me.
(no matter what I say really will be met by disapproval and some sort of "nagging" game to make me comply with their wishes)

perhaps it wouldn´t be soo bad if the dishes were actually clean....most o the time I have to redo them, because I dont particulary like eating on half clean dishes...
So, ofcourse I could say,
b) listen, I prefer to do the dishes , I appreciate that you are offering to help me, but really, I prefer doing this.

or I could say:
C)
Ok, from now on I do the dishes since I have notice they are not as clean as I like them when you have done them, and also, I prefer to do the dishes when I am at home.

Ah. the bloody joys of everyday life with other human beings...

I suppose common sense would be to direct the situation effectively and to the point based on the expression that best would support oneness and equality..
So out of these three I suppose that I will choose a.

Secondly, the father inlaw has got a tendency to stick his nose where it does not belong. And that can be in any situation, such as me and husband having a discussion about whatever subject, he will then make noices at apropriate moments of dissaproval, mostly towards somehting that I have said, and that I find utterly unacceptable but still I allow it.
Last time they were here I cleared some of the air, and told him I´d prefer if he kept his comments and or opinions to himself since anything being ventured was between me and husband.
He managed to grunt something about blood being thicker than water (HA separation personified) but at that point I didn´t go in to the separation part.

So, next time he grunts when me and husband are having a dicussion I will just stop and simply say:
Listen John. I would appreciate if you did not make any noices of approval or disapproval during mine and Chris discussion since this has got nothing to do with you, but is a matter between the two of us as a couple. if you find that difficult to do, I would appreciate if you could leave the room.

Also to be aware of any reactions within me should this occur again and simply forgive and clear myself before I speak.

And then he has got a tendency to seem to take for granted that he can do as he pleases when it comes to seeing things that needs doing, it might be something that needs reparing, or it might be something that he sees would be better to do this or that way and then if you are unlcuky simply do it without your knowledge, if you are lucky he will state that this surely is the best way o doign a b and c and get grumpy if you happen to be of another opinion.

Now , I am a person who knows what I want. I know what i like and what works best for me.
I sort out problems on my own, build and mend as and when needed and I am effective in getting things done and determined when I have made a decision. I am relaively strong, and I can take care of myself and all that this house entails. I do not need a man of any sort to "help me out" in situations where he seems to allocate a certain job as a "mans job"
In my view - there is no such thing. I am a being - and so is he - and hence we treat eachother equally. Not so with this particular being.

There has been many occasions where >I simply leave him there muttering about something, and needing a screwdriver for this and that - I ignore him, and when I get the opportunity simply fix it myself. In that I have in the past been hoping that he will then see, as it is obvious I can take care of and am perfectly capable of making my own decisions and actions in life - but oh no - will never happen.

it is easy for me to simply go, oh fuck it. Seriously, I can do without this sort o person in my life, WHy allow it.

But I have to realize that we are all one and equal. And even though I find great resistance within me towards even trying more than I have done to allow him to apply common sense and look at why he is allowing himself to be in such separation to all around him , unless you happen to have a dick betwen your legs, I have to face it .Not only do I have to face my own resistance towards it, but also present him with common sense. because if I don´t well who will?
Even if he's nearing his 80's, that is irrelevant. Even though in the past I have tried to avoid it all by saying to myself, well, at his age there´s no way he´ll understand, the systems being soo ingrained - what utter bullshit i realize now.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate me from John and in that allowing myself to forget that we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to realize that any reactions I have towards John or anyone else is simply reflecting me and what I have allowed and accepted to exist so hence I take responsability for what I have allowed so that I can apply myself in oneness and equality in brutal self honesty in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in any way towards John no matter what and in that actually give my power away to my mind to direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it dosn´t matter anyway, fuck it, since this marriage is over anyway and it´s just a matter of time beore I don´t have to see him again, or at least very rarely knowing full well that this is a point within me I have to come back to unless I direct it effectively in self honesty and in oneness and equality no matter what

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to try and tell me that it is too cringy, embarassing and scary to face anyones system head one

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to actually believe that such a thing as cringy, embarassing and scary actually really exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to take others feelings into consideration in my process and application and in that allowing myself to forget that actually any feelings thoughts and emotions that might be invoked in that other being is in that case simply their mind CONsciousnesssystem and hence it needs to be treanscended and removed

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear anyting or anyone and in that allowing myself to forget that fear simply does not exist - it is all a major mind fuck illusion

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted mysel to think of John as a stuck up, self important, stuck in his ways, annoying, selectively ignorant, selfish, lying, twofaced, deceptive, backstabbing and stubborn old man in that not realizing that for me to see that in another being I have to know of it, so hence he is mirroring me - and that makes me shocked - to really face exatly what I have allowed and accepted to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in creation of human beings behaviours of total separation and in that feel immense shame, regret and sadness

Till here no further:
I do not accept any influences by mind and minds'consciousness sytems as we as ll as one actually have allowed to be created and to exist without realizing that in that separation we have totally and utterly lost control o everything. We are not worthy of being creators. We are not worthy of life. I do not accept mind to have any influence on me what so ever.That is not who I am.
I am life. I am oneness and equality as life as all as one and equal. I direct me. I am here. I am breath. I am

hmm i wonder if that is "empty " now or i I´ve just scratched the surace---since I can even ask that question I suppose it is the latter--------hmmmm

Self Forgiveness 26th Jan

2008-01-26T13:44:00.000-08:00

Ok - these last couple of days has been a bit turbulent - as in revealing to me some points within me that I need to clear. Not easy to push through some of these, but I have to otherwise I will simply not be applying myself so I push and push myself no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to defend any of my self forgiveness applications to anyone, this is my process to birth self as all as one and equal - hence no separation

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted any reactions within me whatsoever no matter from whom and regarding what since any reactions, thoughts , emotions and feelings are of mind and are illusions - not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that the perception of the lack of understanding from another being simply is because of difference in programming - in reality we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get frustrated with Trey for not realizing that my self forgiveness applications are reflecting me and hence I apply myself accordingly to transcend that point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even contemplate not publishing my brutal self honesty applications out of fear of others reactions , perceptions or misunderstandings since it is all based on mind if any reactions arise within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contemplate being subject to any manipulations by mind - I am NOT my mind. I am here - I am me - I am life as all as one and equal in every breath of every moment - it is impossible for me as who I really am to become or feel manipulated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even contemplate not putting out ALL the forgiveness applications i wrote down last night regarding this issue, because I allow my mind to tell me that "I am done with this particular issue and have done enough self forgiveness" and also because of some underlying fear I am allowing regarding this - I do not accept or allow my mind to direct me in any way what so ever

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become frustrated with Trey for taking my self honesty and self forgiveness applications personally and hence allow himself to be of mind - instead of applying himself and apply forgiveness so that he can transcend this point as I am applying me to transcend it

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from Trey - we are all one and equal in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel wrongly accused for something that was not intentionally meant to hurt anyone in that forgetting that only minds can get its feelings hurt - who we really are cannot become hurt or feel

Till here no further:
I do not allow or accept any feelings, thoughts, emotions, fears, judgement, separation, worries, concerns, regret, guilt in my life or within me - that is not who I am.
I am life as all as one and equal. I remain here in every moment of every breath. Stable - constant - eternally, as all as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I was asking too much of my daughter today when wanting her to stay at the party alone with her brothers, wanting her to stay there and not be so dependant on me, hence feeling regret and guilt about her tears not realizing that this is a mind CONstruct that is in placement for enslavement to the systems as to remain and keep us in control by fears

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear, regret and feel guilty - in that forgetting that these are all mind constructs and hence not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there won't be enough money for some major bills this month and in that forgetting that I am defining me by money by allowing that fear instead of realizing that it is a manifestation created to install fear and to keep me enslaved and controlled by the system

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to dread what is ahead in my process without realizing that I allowing mind to control and influence me and hence support mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated by Anita after her coming to the party even though her kids have got a tummy bug - which to me was irresponsible since there are the potential of lots of children becoming ill - not realizing and totally forgetting in my self deceptiveness that these illneses are system based, and is of support to remove systems
and that i am as guilt as any human being or allowances within our so called reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for the mice that Simba has killed - and for getting angry at myself because I realise that these mice gets killed and suffer due to mine and all human beings allowances of our own creation of separation

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted my mind to tell me that certain males are attractive and potential boyfriend material instead of immediately stopping any such thoughts since they are of mind and totally illusionary

Till here no further. I do not accept and allow my mind to direct me, place any thoughts or feelings into my head of any kind. I direct me. I am here.
I do not allow my mind to have any influence on me what so ever.

Bloody church hymns..

2008-01-24T13:50:00.001-08:00

Ok - so yesterday, for the first time after christmas we went back to the "family choir" thing.

I just know that it wont be many more times we will be attending. At first it was fun or the kids to get together w otherkids, sing a bit (although it is run by the church so many of them are hymns for kids)

I sat there today thinking, damn - i do not think I can deal with this anymore.

The kids are running heywire anyway, it´s late in the afternoon and they´ve had a long day. You try to ask a child to sit still then and sing at that. One of the boys didnt even wanna go - so we will find something other music related to do.

I can´t continue with the bullshit it entails any longer. It´s a waste of time.

But then I had a thought, Im standing here face to face with this bloke, whom is clearly a christian to the core. I am looking him in the eyes, and I do this in full awareness of what is going on, how fucked he is in his beliefs, and that no doubt his life will contain a lot of hardship in times to come because of those beliefs.

And then I asked myself, when the day comes, will i be able to look him in the eyes without shame? Shame because I knew but never let him in on it. Because I was so certain within my mind that he would not ´get it´and lable me as posessed by some evil entety, and probably think I am mad. So I let my mind direct me then?

Because if I were free of mind, I would not even consider not having a proper talk to him about it, and just present him with som real "reality"..

Isnt this process about applying me in self honesty in every moment of every breath no matter what?

So why is it that i perceive it do be soo difficult to push throuh this particular one

Because o fear, fear of being hunted for it, judged, labelled, looked upon as weird and mad, and worry that the children might suffer because of it,'.

All fears.

So at what point do we all apply self honesty in application of every moment of our lives?

Brutal it is indeed....

I for´give myself that I have allowed myself to fear talkign to the choir leader about the fucked up religion he is indulging in and what his allowances are busy supporting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to tell me that it would be wrong to puncture his little bubble, after all who am I to try to "put him right" or rather let him see /allow him to wake up. In that totally forgetting that actually - should I instead allow it to continue , allow the self dishonesty and the deception. Would that not be the ultimate deception?!

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to dodge the responsability o others in my life and their personal process by trying to find ways of getting around it so that I can somehow present it to them but not do it face to face out of fear..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue allowing fear in my life when I know full well that fear DOES NOT EXIST

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow anything stand in the way of my process after all I as all as one has accepted and allowed, how can I do anyting but apply mysel in every moment when there are beings enduring suffering in every moment until this process is done

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become emotional when other beings do not apply themselves and dedicate themselves 100% to this process no matter what because noting can be more important since it is litterally a question of life and death, but not all seem to get this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still continue having thoughts, feelings and emotions and let those direct me instead of me as wo I really am , in onness and equality to all direct me and apply me accordingly so that we can all start living

Todays Forgiveness appl

2008-01-23T14:34:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have any thoughts feelings or emotions while speaking to C.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue in this loop called relationship instead of just cutting the line entirely now since it is inevitable this will never become a realtionship based on oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have attachments and ties, emotionally towards family instead of realizing that we are all beings, equal to eachother, and that a marriage is nothing but a system contruct to enslave

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that Trey is a massive ego system that comes out with a lot of ego bullshit and that he hides behind that instead of just allowing himself to be

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate me from Trey not realizing that he is mirroring sides of me witin me that I need to realease and forgive to be able to transcend

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to forget that Trey is assisting me - as we are all assisting each other and that we are all one and equal but in different yet the same process

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to worry that I might hurt Trey as who he really is by saying this, in that forgetting that if Trey feels hurt, it´s his mind that hurts, and hence I´ll assist him in pointing that out as he is doing with me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get angry at Rick for eating food made out of blood, and in that actually not applying himself no matter what in the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated and angry at people who are not dedicated to their process and actually PUSH themselves in application but chickens out to the systems - totally unacceptable not realizing that I do the very same thing myself at times and end up in a loop

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to even contemplate not publishing this forgiveness out of embarassement over what I have written

I forgive mself that I have accepted and allowed mysel to feel embarassed, angry, frustrated - knowing full well they are all mind creations and not real at all, hence I STOP , apply forgiveness and continue walking.
Till here no further:
I do not allow any thoughts feelings and or emotions to direct me.

I d i r e c t ME. I am here. I am free.

School system or systems

2008-01-23T14:11:00.001-08:00

Ha this conversation over the phone today after I sent the vids about school posted on the site:

C: I saw the vids you sent me...
Me: Ok - ?
C: Well, the first one was just a conspiracy theorist again (everything he sees or reads that threatens his "world" in any way is labelled conspiracy, and he does not comment on the second vid)
Me; I don´t agree. Just look at what is being said. Isn´t it obvious that the schoolsystem isn´t working and never has done? The way it is run in its entirety is horrific, I think that´s what they want to convey here...
C: Common. Theres nothing wrong with the school system, it is very important to et an education and have a foundation to stand on...
Me; in this world yes, where the only thing that matters is survival. Haven´t you ever questioned that, did it never seem mad to you? Are you happy with this system ?
Me: I can vividly remember sitting in school, in history class at around 13-14 wondering why the uck I was suppose to memorieze who were king in this country 1600 somethin? What use is that info to me???? In my opinion the only thing that matters here is for the governmetn to produce little robots that do as well as possible in the system we call society. Not once is the individual considered, you are an it to the system, not a person. Surely something is very wrong?
C: Silence...
Me:No- ? So I am not stating that all schooling is fucked and should not exist, ut that changes have to bemade. The most important thing to learn in school is to read and write and o maths. Anything else was a complete waste o time to me..
C: So how would you ever et a ecent job if you didn´t have any eduaction?
Me: Well , have you never asked yoursel why everythin is as it is? Do you ever question why the society is built the way it is and that we have to struggle to survive? Or are ou happy in it, because thats what you know and have been taught?
C: This is just silly. Common....

And so it goes on. The bottom line here is that no matter what subject we discuss - we end up arguing. I allow mysel to get frustrated that he does not allow himself to OPEN his eyes.
Presented with common sence he refuses to see that common sense.
So I point this out to him, but i´m met with silence.

And then I get told: Why do you swear so much when you talk? You never used to...
And I say: Hmmm since you point it out,you react towards it..why, it´s just a word I use in the mometn...i you have problems with the word uck perhaps you should look at why. Thats not my problem..
He says: Well, you could have said; the education systems leaves much to be desired, but you said the education system is fucked...so you could expres you diferently.
I say: Yes, but this was me in the moment, if I wanna use FUCK i will use fuck.

These conversations are so silly, that it´s almost like I kick myself or being so daft as to enter them at all, when I know the outcome. Perhaps it´s the idiotic idea that he might just might one day wake up....but that is probably a major mind fuck anyway.

So yes, i am busy having conversations to the systems. I suppose I am the stupid one for actually thinking that a system can aply common sense.

Also oriveness on any or all physical experiences I had while talking to him, that usually entails a sort of strange shivering- all to do with my allowances and system placements regardin him and the past. Much to realease still...

No meat please

2008-01-23T00:46:00.000-08:00

I got family coming in April, who are MASSIVE carnivores.
And they are the kind that actually thinks that meat - is mans given right to eat- it´s natural for these people (and then you wonder why there´s wars in the world?!)

Now, I´ve made it clear that I am no longer cooking meat for anyone. I refuse to go out and buy a piece of another being that has sufered immensly and been treated like nothing to prepare for them and in that support the separation and the lack of self honesty in application.
So that seems to have been accepted, even though there had to be some grunts just to make sure that I got that that was a pain in itself for them to have to endure.

And then to the question about children. Well, since I used to be a meat eater , before I had some realizations, the children has had meat in the past, and still get it in school. So the transcision here will take a while for them.
When you are then in a situation where one is vegetarian and one is a carnivore, then what message are you giving uyour chilren? I wonder what goes on in their heads with this.

One the one hand you´ve got mum saying that eating meat is totally unecesary and that since I would not like to be killed and eaten just because someone liked the taste o meat, then why should i do that to another being? Also touched the subject of how animals are treated and slaughtered and that there is no difference between you or them apart from the body you happen to be in. Common sense to me - but then they have a dad...

Who is displaying perfectly that for him meat is ok to eat, even though he knows exactly what that entails, but choses to continue eating meat and in that supporting it.
How confusing that must be for a child! There is a massive divide there, and ofcourse, the biggest problem here for me is the total lack from the carnivore to see the greater picture, but to chose to shut down, instead of having a few realizations about life. That is not good at all. And that is supportive of and creates separation.

So - I´ve gone so far as to say that this is a huge issue. because right there is the divide in chosing self honesty as all as equal and one which is the only way for us all to have a future, so in refusing to face you and what you are allowing, instead hiding behind all sorts o redicilous excuses , when there really are none, you do not realize what you are losing.

I cannot accept or allow any of that sort of behaviour any longer in my life. I do not want any meat consumed in this house any longer. We have to take responsability and do what has to be done.- Why can we not instead make this change and in that actually together find new ways of enjoying food.

So I wonder what will happen if I say: Noope, I do not accept any meat inside this house. Would they go back home? Would they fight? Most certainly yes. it would get very ugly. Will I shut up about it? Hell no. I will keep bickering and annoying them about what is on their plates, until perhaps one day they´ve had enough and actually starts thinking about it.
WHY the fuck should I allow that in my life?

So bottom line is, husban does not really get the debth and severity of this divide and separation.
he does not understand the ull implications of what he is doing, whereas to me it is perectly clear, and he does not allow himsel to apply common sense in his life, no matter what issue, but seems happy to live in his little bubble, where everything shoudl remain very much the same and he can continue supresing and allowing hismel to be blissully unaware..
Well, if he wont listen - then maybe he will see through events unfolding - events that are inevitable due to him refusing to face himself.

it is like being married to someone who is so fucked over by systems that you cannot make any common sense to come forth or sweep through - perhaps it´s all gone - total system override there.

That only leaves me with one option and that is to up and leave. I cannot allow anyone to remain of old, that has to go. We have all got to take responability for ourselves, there is no way out of this one. So - april will be a death and rebirth month for me. I look at it as my rebirth- because my self honesty point is then there straight in my face. I am not gonna fall again.

Ive got issues with Egypt

2008-01-22T12:42:00.000-08:00

Ok - this one I grant is very strange. It´s strange to me as well, but egypt for me,ah i dunno - it stirs up a lot of shit inside me so i will try to get deeper into it to realease this mind construct:

I forgive myself that I have allowed the word egypt, and all that entails such as the pyramids - all the histroy around that era to make me angry - REALLY fucking angry - and in that allowing myself to get confused since I cannot again with rationalize or make any sense of it, instead of simply realizing it is my mind that has created some sort of illusion regarding this and hence I react - who I really am cannot react - reactions are mind created illusions

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted mysel to associate egypt with corruption, enslavement, death, fear, hate, violence, abuse, starvation, mystery, money, power - all of which supports and maintains separation and deception - what stands for asolutely everything we are not as who we really are of oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon those monuments as a reminder of something horrific - that instead of being allowed to stand there should be removed

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear the pyramids

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that its all deception, that the real truth behind it is suppressed and kept from the public

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted mysel to HATE history as I was taught it in school since it was and is obvious that it was all bullshit - and that you are never told the truth in school because this world and the systems are based on separation

I forgive myself that I have allowe and accepted myself to allow myself to have any reaction towards anything or any subject - since I am fully aware it´s all mind consciousness constructs and not who i really am

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get irritated by people who are fascinated by egypt and all that entails because I then think they are ignorant and stupid - clearly it´s all bullshit and a major mind fuck - and in that i actuall judge others as me - and forget that we are all one and equal and that only mind have reactions of any sort

I forgive myself that I have allowed my mind to yet again direct and control me insetad of M E taking charge and controlling me as all as one and equal in onness and equality in every moment o every breath.

Till here no further: I do not allow any thoguhts feelings or emotions of mind to inluence me as who I really am in any way what so ever.
I direct me. I control me. I do not allow any separation, deceit, fear, doubt judgement in my life.
I apply me in self honesty and self trust of every mometn of every breath.

hmmm I can tell I´ve only scratched the surface here - will work more on this until its gone - but Ill do it in bed- this chair is hurtin my rear - or is it the other way around...lol

Todays Forgiveness

2008-01-22T12:11:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to worry about the two women coming to work and feeling uneasy because I haven´t met them before and then my mind goes of on one of it´s trips

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted my mind to take me on any trips or direct me in any way

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysel to base the worry of these to women on my own allowances to feel insecure, not good enough and that they would inevitably judge my work, that it would not be good enough, and even if they kept saying it was excellent, i still in my mind thought that behind my back they will proably talk shit about me and the truth will come out

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to hide what i do for extra cash since it is considered by many to be a shit job

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to distinguish one job from another rather than realizing a job is a job - to be able to survive in this fucked up world

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge cleaning jobs as one of the lowest you could possily get

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to actually believe I am no good, useless, a nobody and not worthy of anything instead of realizing that this is all mind illusions - so hence I stop immediately when such thoughts occur - apply forgiveness and breathe

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to worry about my own self expression, whether it is influenced by mind, perhaps so subtle I cant tell or if it really is a true expression of me as who I am because sometimes I suspect I miht be hiding me behind a perception of being cool or funny - and then allow insecurity instead of just being me as I am as all as one in breaath and trust me in every breath of every moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow mind to try and overcomplicate my process - when it is all really simple - self honesty - self trust - self forgiveness - and corrective application - mind does not understand simplicity so hence try to fuck me over

Till here no further: I DO NOT allow my mind to control, influence or complicate my process
Who I really am cannot be influenced in any way shape or form UNLESS I allow it to.
I direct me. I am life - I am free. Here in every mometn of every breath in onness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react towards the driver who orgot to tun his headlights of and hence blinding me by etting anry at that driver and calling him a fucking idiot, instead of remaining here, as who i really am, in breath and sel honesty and practical application where situations liek that in reality cannot afect me at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from that driver or anything or anyone in my life instead of realizing we are ALL one and equal and that I actually too forget to turn my headlights of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take much for granted in my life, sometimes forgetting that we are all one and equal, and realizing that by not allowing myself to be in awareness I am actually deceiving myself and supporting separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still let mind tell me that the woman at the cashiers has changed towards me in our local store, she used to be really friendly but something has changed - instead of realizing that such thougts are mind illusions - so hence I stop immediately and apply forgiveness and then practical application so that the next time my mind is about to go off on it - S T O P , breathe, and walk.

The subtle divide between self honesty and self dishonesty

2008-01-21T04:14:00.000-08:00

I was sitting here reading back on my posts, and had a few realizations.

This process entails the dedication of self to live and become self honesty in application of every moment of every breath. Of realizing who we really are in oneness and equality, so that we can stop this current hellish reality and eventually all realize ourselves and create a reality where all can express ourselves as who we really are in oneness and equality.

So - it is to apply self trust and then practically apply self honesty in every moment as we walk through our lives, no matter what.
And that is precisely what most find difficult. Because it is to actually always consider before acting - ok, now before I apply myself or say what I was going to say, does these words I am about to express support life as all as equal and one or not? Just to make a stop here before participating is something entirely new for most people.

And then there is the issue of what does and does not support oneness and equality??

So. here I apply self trust, and common sense, and then "check" that to see within me wether what I´m about to do is of mind and will support mind or if it is ok, and supportive of life as all as equal and one.

But then there seem to be layers here. So brutal self honesty is exactly that BRUTAL!
I have noticed that when I am writing a self forgiveness application, my mind tends to sometimes very very subtly "hold back". as in, well threre is this little issue here that applies to this situation, but its so minute that well leave it out shall we, because after all, it does not really affect the sitation as such, you have gotten the basics of it....an this little inner conversation by mind to mind is done in a millisecond ofcourse. So subtle that you could easily miss it at first glance which is also deceptive because it is impossible for me as who I really am to miss anything that goes on inside me, who I am is always totally aware

So all along, deep inside I KNOW what is going on, and its so very "easy" to ignore that and listen to the subtle mind fuck that is going on in that very moment, probably cause its so ingrained in us that we hardly notice it. Habitual.

I am guilty of this, and it just dawned on me that it is actually happened here in this blog of mine, and its totally unacceptable. Its like my mind is trying every way it can to trap me into old patterns of self deception and the obvious self destruction thereof.

Well , HA! I own up to it and I stop it now, immediately.
No half meassures, all the way in totallity otherwise it is useless. Ill remain in a continuous loop of self deception and never ever get out.

So, here goes>

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted my mind to try to subtly influence me when I apply self forgiveness so that some issues are "forgotten" or omitted as long as the main core of the issue comes out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to try to hold back in my forgivenessapplication due to fear, deeply ingrained fear of what might or might not happen if Im actually BRUTALLY self honest / forgetting that that is an illusion in itself - nothing can "happen" to me unless I allow it to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to have any influence or control over me what so ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "beat" myself up over the fact that I havent acknowleged this before since it must have occured since the start and now I get really angry and frustrated because that means I am on square on again, and have to look at all and everything in my life to see if there was or is deception hidden anywhere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to omit or decide to simply not publish some of my forgiveness applications due to fear of others peoples reactions and the consequences thereof / all illusionary and mind deception / mind fuck galore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind can control, deceive or influence me in any way what so ever / mind cannot direct or control me in any way UNLESS I allow it to

Till here no further>
I do not accept my mind to direct or try to influence me in any way what so ever.
it is impossible for my mind to deceive me because who I am as life as one and equal simply cannot be deceived. I do not accept or allow any lies, half meassures, deceptions, excuses, avoidances, embarassments, fears to direct, inluence or control me in any way. I am life. I direct me. I am free. I am HERE, in every moment of every breath...

further sel forgiveness corrections to past posts to come

ANGER - Frustration - sadness

2008-01-20T22:57:00.000-08:00

*This is one of the omitted self forgiveness applications I wrote this morning after allowing my mind to trip me up in emotions, thoughts, and feelings..not a "pretty" read*

Fucking bloody fucked up damn bastard hell - damn - fuck uc k FFFFUUUCKKKK

I am so fucking angry right now I could explode.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to snap and lose my patience with my children, and subsequently be as guilty as anyone to shout and scream because NOONE ever fucking listens. I can be talking to the fucking wall all day and get a better response.

WHHHHYYYYYY?? is it that I can never seem to have peace and quiet. That nothing is ever ever ever the way "it should be"??

Why do I lose me?? Why do I feel like the bloody world is on my shoulders, and noone and nothing shares the shit with me??

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to shout at my dauhgter to stop kicking her brother after asking her to stop it for the eleventh time and in that actually giving my power away to my mind, and allow it to direct me, and become emotional an frustrated and then experience guilt because in that very moment, it reminded me of my father, and all I experienced with him, and then I am in disbelief that I could allow me to lose me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so fucking angry at C for never ever ever ever ever fucking being there to support an assist me as he is supposed to since we have got cildren together, and I get angry and frustrated because not a fucking soul understands wat it is really like to be in a relationship with no support, no asssitance what so ever

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get so fucking angry at is parents for being in such total ignorance to what their son really is like, they have got no fucking idea, and if they did, the shock of it would probably kill them since they are separation personified - one ness and equality is a concept they will only get once they die

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get so pissing angry at me for entering this fucking relationship, for being so stupid as to actually get married and being so irresponsible as to have kids when the world is so utterly fucked up as it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for me no matter what, no matter who I am facing, because in not doing that, I am suppressing me and hence I create anger within instead, anger for not having the guts to be wo I really am, in one ness and equality no matter what

I forgive myself that I have allowed fear to control me and my life rather than me taking control of my life and directing me accordingly in self honesty in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have allowed fear to control my life, fear of my father, fear of society, fear of loneliness, fear of poverty, fear of debt, fear of C, fear of death, fear of losing all I´ve got, fear of responsability, fear of fear, fear of life, fear of standing alone, fear of pain, fear of suffering, fear of authority, fear of facing me, fear of truth, fear of self honesty, fear of self deception, fear of walking the process, fear o violence, fear of consequences, fear of punishment, fear of losing my children, fear of losing the house, fear of money , absolutely all fears under the sun and in that totally and utterly orgetting that fear does not exist. It is a mind creation. Who I really am cannot experience fear- so fear is illusionary.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my self honesty because it will inevitably tip my world up side down, and one part o me is terrified and the other elated because self honesty and practical application in every moment is the only way out of this shit, and also inevitable for each and every one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put blame on someone or something outside of me for what I am experiencing, not realizing that we are all equal and one, and that I experience what i allow in my life, hence the only one to blame is me

I forgive myself that I have allowed mysel to experience guilt for my lack of patience, for my allowances of still forgetting who I really am and falling into the mind consciousness trap with all that entails

The being called my father

2008-01-20T12:16:00.000-08:00

This is inspired by you Fideli, and one of the toughest, self honest posts I have ever read. Thank you so much for sharing your process with us!! ( http://www.mydeadmum.blogspot.com/ )

I always for as long as I can remember hated my father.
He didn´t have any education, just took whatever job he could find and married my mother when they were both mid to late teens because she was pregnant.
In those day you did not get children without being married - God- what a sin that was. "What would people say?"
So, we all got off on a bad start I suppose. Poor as hell, they had three kids, wherea´s I'm the oldest.

I have to struggle to remember any affection from my father. He simply was not the kinda guy to show any feelings, more then his anger and rage, which was always very evident and always just below "the surface". So I was always terrified of him, and hated him for it all my life.

I have very specific memories of his beatings, his screaming, shouting, totally irrational behaviour, his drinking. He was a total and utter phsycopath who lost all control when he got angry. Add to that a very very short fuse.
And the memories I have are not always directed towards me per se, but towards the family as a whole, and in particular one of my brothers.

Since he could never hold a job for any length of time, god knows why, i suppose he ended up in some sort of dispute cause of the person he was, and then probaly got sacked, partly to do with the boozing as well. But as a result, there was never any money. Although I can't recall ever being hungry (much thanks to mums creativity), she has told me that we used to have nothing but sugar to have on bread, and most of our meals when young consisted of flower and milk conjured in different ways.

So thanks to my father we moved a lot. Never stayed long enough to make any friends, so was never rooted anywhere, and still very much the same all my life. I´d get restless, never had an interest in making any friends, cause I knew I had to leave them anyway soon. Not a very stable, safe and secure home.
My mother provided all the love, the stability. Without her, ive no idea if id be alive today.

There are some very specific memories that I have spoken to very few people about. it´s just not the sort o thing you bring up at the dinner table, and you have to feel you are among people who can take it, who will believe you (cause that has always been whats stopped me aswell, Im aware that some of what happened sounded pretty unbelievable for someone who had a "normal" family, so i never bothered) and who are strong and stable enough to hear.

I remember once my brother, who always got into trouble and always got beaten half to death for it, somehow had come home with a gun. yes, a real gun. This was back in the 70's in Sweden, you know, you simply never saw that sort of thing. And my father came home from work, and found out about this.
We lived on the seventh floor in this suburb to Gothenburg. I dunno, my brother can´t have been more than 9-10 at the time.
Ofcourse my father got furious, and in the anger of making my brother talk, and tell the truth, he opened the kitchen window, and held my brother in the air seven floors up threatening to let go unless he spoke.
I remember the terror like it was yesterday, and I can still picture it vividly. And I swear, at that moment, (I am two years older than this brother) I wanted to kill my father. I can´t tell you the horror I experienced. And how helpless I felt. And how I desperatly wanted to help my brother but simply could not.
All the time my father was shouting: answer me you son of a bitch, answer or I´ll fucking kill you, I´ll drop you. COM ON TELL ME!!!!!! Twisted face, spit flying about from is mouth..

Another very vivid memory is us three children having been just put to bed. We´re very young, this is pre Gothenburg and I dunno, perhaps I was around 7, six or seven.
We´re all in the top room, almost like the attic, and it is dark. And ofcourse, three kids together, we got a little bit giddy, and laughed a little, normal stuff like kids do. Then all of a sudden we hear his steps on the stairs and he´s shouting, : What the fuck is this all about?? I told you to go to sleep god damn it!! And he´s booming into the room. The fear I cannot describe, you are just paralyzed and you know you will get punished. So he forces us all to drop our pants. I remember vividly how embarassed i felt to be in front of my brothers being naked below, and he made us lie on the beds and started hitting us. I dont know, if the worse bit of that is the memory of it, that never ever fades, and that brings up the exact same emotions as then. That is the REAL punishment. I dunno - I´ve cried enough I feel, but still it is back to square on now. And I realize, that I have to stop it now. I have to get it out, and then forgive him and me.

The number of times my brother got the brunt of his anger, I have lost count. But it amazes me that my brother is still around! He could have so easily be dead, beaten to death.
He would beat him so hard from a very young age. And the sad ting about it is that this brother adored my father, despite all he did to him. he looked up to him, and would go up and ask "daddy, can you play with me, or show me what you do to the car?" (he always fixed cars) but he would get angry, and give him a beating for disturbing him instead.
So my father was terror personified. The ultimate anger system walking on this planet earth.
I have no idea how we all survived. he could easily have killed us all of, in one of his rages, that is perfectly plausible.

Sometimes mum will tell me sitations that comes back to her that she has suppressed. How he tried to run her over with the car when pregnant with me. His beatings, jealousy.
We all always had to tip toe around him. I always secretly wished he would die, or just never come back home from work. But he always came - and noting ever changed.

Despite all of this, somewhere inside I also longed for him to just be nice. To love me. Because he always hated me, all of us that was clear. And i never understood why, what we had done to deserve that. So I grew up hating me, because clearly I must be horrible since this happened to me.

So, as an adult, I never had much contact. And then he got ill with cancer and died.
By that time I lived in the UK, and sent him a card. A one liner saying somet like, I´m sure you´ll make it. Bye... I didn´t want to send him anything, but felt I "had to" like you do.
I never went to see him. So he died there. And to be honest, that was the best thing he ever did.
I went to the funeral because one of my brothers asked me to, do it for me Marianne, so I did.

So yes, I´ve carried masses of guilt regarding all of this towards my brother. Because he got most of the beatings, he was always treated differently it seemed, and someow let out of the family. Somewhere i felt I had let him down, that I could have done more.

And I swore never to treat any of my cildren like he treated me. Noone deserves that from a parent. A child should be loved and cared for. So I tend perhaps to be a bit overprotective instead.

Now is the time to end all of this. To end the loop of my cildhood and all that that entailed:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate my father and wish the same fate he gave us upon him

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my father even in death

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to look upon my father as the devil personified

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to kill my father because of all the suffering he put upon us

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hope that he would endure the very ting that we had to endure and experience the fear we had to experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty towards my brother for not stopping my father when he beat him even though at the time there was nothing I could do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somehow inside feel let down by my mother for not making him stop even though I know full well she feared the consequences just like I did

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not love me because I wasn't loved by my father

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself as not worthy to be loved or to experience love since my father never loved me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not realise that my father was a system, that I, as all, have accepted and allowed to exist due to our separation from life, from who we really are in oneness and equality and hence systems like these are created

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear all men due to my experience with my father and hence have an inbuilt protection just in case all men are the same

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that I somehow deserved what I got from my father, that that was all I was worthy of, that it was my own fault

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate me from my father, in that not realizing that we are all equal and one, and that my experiences are due to allowances we all have made, in not realizing who we really are, and wake up from this comatose existance we call life and realize ourselves

I forgive my father, because I realize that it was not my father as who he really is who did those things to us, that treated us that bad, but the systems, and the very essence of what we have have all in this existance accepted and allowed

Till here no further.
I do not accept my mind to conjure up memories and to live in the past with all the emotions, fear, regret, anger, guilt that that entails. That is not who I am.
I do not accept mind consciousness systems to have any control in my life or anyone elses life.
I am life. I control me. I am breath.
I realease all memories, picture, thoughts, feelings and emotions related to my father or any other being in my life.
I am here. I am free. I am me. I love me. I accept me. I am worthy - I am worth.
I am love. Eternal.

More irrational fears

2008-01-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear making and creating blogs and apparently exposing me and dedicating me to share my process of self realization out in the open for all to see

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt myself and my abilities

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted doubt to exist within me when I know full well that it is a mind created illusion

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to consider myself not worthy of a blog of my own and to have thoughts like; who on earth would be interested in what I might have to share, it would just be too boring and I´m so ugly anyway noone will be interested and blogs are only for losers anyway - nerds who need to go out and "get a life"

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be worried and feel ashamed if anyone I know or a family member were to find my blog and hence judge me and who they thought I were because of it and then pay any attention or concern as to how they would react or feel in that totally forgetting that if someone experience hurt feelings, they are of mind and should apply themselves to their process

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to actually believe that there is such a thing as shame. Shame is a mind created illusion that supports and maintains enslavement and is not who I am

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to consider myself ugly knowing full well that is a beatuy system placement and an illusion

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to acccept myself

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being voulnerable, to fear being me

Till here no further.
I do not accept or allow any doubt, shame, judgement, feelings, thoughts or emotions, fears or mind illusions within me. That is not who I am.
I am life. I am here. I am free. I direct me.

When any doubts, fears, judgements,shame, thoughts, feelings, emotions and illusions presents themselves in my life I STOP. Immediately and remain here in the moment in breath.
Stable. Constant. In every moment of every breath in oneness and equality.

Fear and temper

2008-01-20T04:58:00.000-08:00

Some forgiveness applications applicable to me today:
(if you are new to the concept of self forgiveness have a look at: http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2916 , that is just one article that touches the self forgiveness application. Also see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNhfkz7Aa0Q to name ut a few articles among many)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to worry about future events that are planned in my life and worry about the possible outcome of those events.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and acceptedmyself to worry about anything within me and actually believe that worry is real and actually exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seem to think that if I worry about it it makes the situation "feel" better and that it puts me in control when it is the exact opposite, I create a worry to worry about so that I can keep myself occupied instead of realizing I am the one creating this worry and that there is no need for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that it is impossile to stop worrying - only mind have beliefs and would believe such a thing - who I really am as life as one and equal does not worry.

Till here no further - I do not allow or accept worry in my life any longer. I direct me. I am here. I am free.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to lose my temper in certain situations and get irritated and agitated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that such a ting as temper, irritation and agitation actually exist when in reality it is a mind created illusion that I have allowed to have directive power over me instead of me controlling and directing me in oneness and equality in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have any reaction towards any situation in my life instead of me being aware of me in every moment of every breath and me directing me in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than mind since I have allowed mind creations such as temper, irritation and agitation have any influence on me what so ever.

Till here no further: I do not accept and allow temper, irritation, agitation or any such feelings, reactions and emotions in my life. That is not who I am. I am life, as all as one and equal. Who I am cannot become irritated , lose my temper or get agitated that is impossible.

I am here. I am life. I am one and equal to all in existance. I am here in every moment of every breath - stable - constant and eternal.

Religion anyone?

2008-01-19T13:23:00.001-08:00

I´ve had so many discussions in my life about religion, I remember once my mom came to visit. She was brought up in a very Christian home. The kind where on sundays you were not allowed to work. You were to be silent, and just hang around, preferably listen to mass on the radio and feel generally guilty for apparently being such a sinful and "bad" person. As long as you lived according to the Bible, and prayed every now and again, you were ok.

It´s strange how people can end up within such illusionary constructs, and how they can get so lost in them that they actually believe them to be true.
why does noone ever wake up and see what religion really stands for?
It´s hiding behind something or someone who is apparently better than you, putting your responsibility for your life somewhere out there in someone else's hands, that tells you what to do and how to behave, and if you do it well enough you´ll apparently be rewarded for your dedication.
What an utter mind fuck literally that is! It would be hilariously funny if it was not so very very sad.

Anyway, we ended up in this discussion about God existing or not, and me claiming that he did not, that he simply could not, because look at it. How can there possibly be a God (or any other so called higher deity)up there with all that is going on here with abuse, murder, war, fear - no God worthy of being called God could and would ever allow such a thing. So common sense tells me that this God story we have been taught (by people who in turn have been told this fib) is utterly untrue. We´re all we´ve got folks.

I can understand that might have caused some fear within her. I don´t think that she dared give that any further thought. Because as usual, human beings lives are ruled by fear. You fear everything, you fear yourself, you fear death. Look at you - list all your fears - and you´ll have a shock. You fear getting ill - so you go to the doctor who gives you pills that you believe will cure you but really makes you ill, you fear aging, because apparently your nearing death then, and death is the ultimate fear, you fear losing money, you fear others and what they might do to you, you fear the future, you fear others judgment, you fear not being liked, you fear you´ll fail and not be good enough, you fear animals, you fear losing your job, you fear you´ll fail in school - have a close look and you´ll see it´s all fears.

So people fear everything. Never once asking, but hey, what is this fear?? WHY am i always in fear?
I´m fed up with this fear - what IS going on?
Asking that being the only way out. because then you´ll realize that fear only exist in your mind. It is something illusionary that you have created. Totally unnecessarily. Convenient in this reality though where all are controlled by fear. So fear generates fear - vicious circle.

And some have realized this, and use it to their advantage. So the best weapon to rule this world with , is fear. Very very effective. But only if you allow it to. If you allow you to not apply common sense in your life. And hence start asking yourself some fundamental questions.

Why am I and have I allowed this?
Why is it like this?
How did we all end up like lost little sheep scared shit less of ourselves?
What am I doing about it?
Who am I, really?
How do we stop it?
What is the solution to this twisted reality?

So religion, is one o the most horrific, uly, dangerous and corrupt creations of human kind.
Religion stands for murder, separation, wars, lies, deceit, fear - the list is very long.
All done in the name of God. When human kind really realizes this, we´ll hang our heads in shame or what we have accepted and allowed.

Little white lies

2008-01-19T12:42:00.000-08:00

So - I´ve spent a few ours today trying to get the sound for the videos working. Dunno what I am doing wrong, but not there yet.

Managed to tell a lie today too. Yes, it´s easy to slip into old with that, old meaning, people tend to lie all the time. So called white lies, doesn´t matter what color you allocate them, their still lies, and self deception. So I´ve beaten my self up today. Lying in total awareness. could that be considered "worse" than an ordinary lie, or are all lies done in awareness? Ofcourse they are.

Totally unacceptable behavior. So I owned up and now I´ve got some self forgiveness application to apply for that, and then to make sure I do not allow any such behavior again:

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to lie to C about the reason for the video sound questions

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to deceive myself by allowing myself to not be honest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mind and mind consciousness systems to direct me in that moment of lying rather than me taking directive power and control over me and stop any such thoughts

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to by my allowance to lie support separation and hence not apply myself in every moment of every breath as who I am in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to out of fear of being judged chose to lie rather than face that judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by fear, knowing full well that fear is an illusion and not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on me for not applying myself in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall and in that forget who I really am and let myself down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others reactions to my forgiveness application because some might read it and not understand any of it and hence judge me in some way or another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still give a shit about what others think or do not think about me

Till here no urther:

I do not accept any lies within me or in my life that is not who I am. I am here. I direct me. I am life as oneness and equality as all as one.
I do not accept or allow any judgment, fear, lies, worries, guilt or regret in my life.

Forgiveness application

2008-01-18T23:26:00.001-08:00

These will be coming daily - forgiveness applications.

In every moment of my life I apply myself so as to stop and gain control of me and direct myself rather than allowing my mind to direct me -

Self forgiveness is a tool for letting go of old and freeing self (have a look at www.desteni.co.za for in debt explanation)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear putting up a blog sharing my process of self honesty and self trust in application in every moment of my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to doubt myself and judge myself as being far too boring to put up a blog

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe I can be boring

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to actually believe there is such a thing as being bored or that it is possible to be bored

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear, doubt and judge myself.

Till here no further. I do no accept and allow any fear, doubt or judgement in my life. That is not who I am. I am life. I am here. I direct me.
So when fear, doubt or judgement arise within me in any moment, I STOP. Breathe and apply myself accordingly.

2008-01-18T22:27:00.000-08:00

Hi fellow beingness - human - animal - plant - computer

This is my personal diary - my day as it unfolds in this process for all to see. My process of what?

My process of re disvocering who I REALLY am, of peeling of all the layers that I have become during lives on this planet for eons of time.

Because, there came a moment when I realized that I cannot go on like I have done, the world as it looks is busy simply destructing.

I had had enough - and when you come to that point - you start asking some serious questions within.

Why is it like this?

How come there is only misery - death and fear all around me, everywhere I look there are people and animals suffering?

Why?

Is this all there is??

Why are humans like robots - just walking living their lives, and nothing ever changes - noone ever asks questions - noone tries to find solutions or at least answers to WHY?????

WHY is everyone accepting what goes on in this world???

Just look at your own life up until now...

Have you ever given reality and life in general any thought? What do you experience when you see and read about children being murdered and abused?
Anger - despair??
What do you experience when you hear or see animals suffering?

Do you consume meat?? Have you ever given a second thought to that animal that was killed so that you could apparently enjoy it´s flavour?

What do you experience when you watch the news?

Because there is only misery. Only suffering - only pain...are ju accepting it?

By sitting there and doing nothing you're actually supporting it and saying it is ok....because turning a blind eye is actually not going to make it go away - will not make any difference more than allowing it to continue as is and that is unacceptable!

So, I will be writing here about my day, my realizations, basically what goes on in my life as I apply myself, dedicating myself into making a difference, to assit me and other beings to make a full stop.

A full stop is what is needed in this world. So I start with me, and I suggest you do to.

Lets share or processes and realizations! Lets stand up and take responsability for our lives and for all that we have allowed, because lets face it - humans are the guilty ones - we have created and allowed our own misery - now lets clean up the mess!