directing self and taking decision

Directing self, taking self responsibility. making the decision to take self responsibility and then direct self.
What does it mean to take self responsibility?
It is to firstly realize the common sense in that we are all one and equal. The fact that noone is above or below another, no matter what physical body currently in.
Taking self responsibility for myself and all my allowances that has led me to this and my experience of myself and my world.
And directing within the starting point of what is best for all one and equal.

When you go through this phase, which we will all go through like it or not, in one way or another, you are initially confused because all your beliefs, all your ideas about what was real and how things were, you proof to yourself as you go along was nothing but illusions, and just that, ideas, nothing more nothing less. None of them actually real, or consistent, standing no matter what. That is a bit of a cold shower! And then you test yourself, because you will either accept this and then deal with all the shit that reveals within accordingly through self forgiveness or you will "shut down" and simply say, "nah, not for me, totally luney, I wont listen to a word".

There are similar "stages" that we all go through in this re birthing of self. and as you go along self trust starts to build, and stability. because as you apply self forgiveness, as you assist yourself, stability is noticed, the stability that is you and that has always been here but that you were too busy being miserable to notice.
This self trust and stability is and has been one of the most major parts for me so far. When absolute stability, absolute in self trust, there is nothing and noone that has any affect on you in any way whatsoever.

I have fallen so many times, allowed self doubt, self pity, regret, and I wanted to just not give a fuck. But I realized that wtf else is there? I cannot "go back" to the unawareness I used to live in, I cant go back to all of that, that was all self created and not real. So what else is threre? No matter what I do i will be here. I cant escape frommyself, no matter what. i cant run, id better start getting it done. And so you push through. You fall, and you stand. Until its all done, and we all stand here, in full awareness and self realization.

So far into this process I have had to make tough decisions, and I have had to do and act in ways which has requiered courage and self trust. I cant do what I used to and only think of what is best for me and the children, my family. I have to take all as one as equal into consideration, all I do has to be from that starting point. As soon as I do not, then I allow separation, one of the main allowances that has gotten us into this pit in the first place. Jack once said he had no "guidelines" no "map" to walk his process, and that is so for all of us. We can assist and support eachother but ultimately we are all alone. So, not to be hard on myself, to be patient, to remain here breathing, and keep on applying self forgiveness, I get it done.

I still got many points to release, and more reveal as I go along. But its cool. I am here. I will always remain here.

Walking through this, there is immense sadness for what we have done to ourselves, and all teh suffering involved that was the direct cause of it. All so unecessary, and none of it can be undone. We will simply have to keep on moving, because the abuse will not stop until we all stop.

experiences at the moment

this experience I have had now for maybe a couple of days, must be crunch time starting. Its all compounding, and the "pressure" is intensifying. Mind is coming to its end, and its not gonna go down without a fight. I am done with fighting, all I can do is not get "caught" in the emotions and feelings but simply breathe through it all. I had a period prior to this which was all peaceful, calm, this also mirrored back to me in the children, no fighting, actually getting along, all was smooth. And now WHAM! The anger, frustration, pain, hurt is here, its all very raw, no wrappings just straight to the core. I realize that unless I actually focus on the breathing, it will be pure hell. I also started experiencing strange stuff, like hightened senses, also a "sliding" in my head, all going out of focus, the "platform" floating and moving, just for a moment. At the same time my physical body feels very "heavy" and very physical, lol
Say what you like about this process, but there is certainly never a dull moment

I am here, and I remain. I breathe. This will pass too.

interactions

I have noticed something interesting within when facing beings in my world that is quite different towards how I used to experience myself and especially how others respond to me.
I used to be so shy, or rather hide behind the shyness. I used to feel extremely awkward around others, no matter who it was. Weird silences, looking for something to say, having contrived conversations about fuck all and saying stupid or irrelevant things. lol
So that each time I fucked up according to myself in those circumstances I only compunded it even more the next moment I was facing another being. So I used to dread meeting others, especially strangers. Wtf was there to talk about. I could never do that small talk, bullshit that others did about all and nothing. That was pretending, I couldnt do that and feel good about myself. And I hated myself enough as it was.

So beings tended to avoid me. I must have come across as very weird and "difficult". perhaps labelled as a bit spaced out and perhaps less bright then the average. And I was aware that this labelling was going on, but yet, felt I couldnt do anything about it, I couldnt see a way out of it. People were just talking bullshit, there was never any real communication, never any interesting productive outcome, I never felt that there was anything that would be worthy of any attention because it was all bullshit.

I always preferred to interact with people older than me. I felt a connection, and felt more comfortable because older beings tended to be more comfortable within themselves and had some life experience to draw upon. There was less bullshit, and maybe if I was lucky a conversation about stuff that mattered to me, life purpose, philosophies, life path, life experiences, sharing insights and finding new ones together. So the beings I opened up to, as much as I could open up were few and far between. Very few beings ever came "close" to me. I can count them on one hand. There was no room for bullshit, no time for babbeling crap, I never saw the point. Ofcourse I never realized I were as lost as the beigns i shunned and ofcourse talking as much bullshit as anyone lol

Beings didnt easily take a liking to be, I was always pretty dislikeable because I refused to be lulled into the bullshit and play along with the silly games. I was always the odd one out, in every way. Thre were moments i enjoyed this because it also served as a security blanket, I was left alone, and didnt have to play in those rediculous pretend social games.

As i have walked this process and continue to walk it I see and understand my behavior and I see the points and how and why I created this experience of me.
But I also notice that today I am at ease, not frightened, I dont fear others aproaching me and communicating with me and with this people approach me and open up very easily. It takes me by surprise still, the being will be there in a moment, and I experience myself stable, I speak what has to be said, and thats it. No awkwardnes anymore. No fear. Just moving about and whatever moment bring I deal with accordingly. I also noticed that the beings that do approach me seem so nice, so gentle lolol
The interaction and meetings with other beings is smooth these days, which is cool.

The other day I was approached by a lady that was a bit pissed of because she had a doctors appointment that day and the surgery had made a mistake and booked her in on a closed day. I explained this to her after walking out of the surgery having cleaned and she was just stood there all of a sudden infront of me. I calmy explained to her the situation and her anger diffused. She had taken the day of and driven quite a bit to get there, but her reaction was simply cool. She was actually smiling as she walked away to her car and we said good bye.

As I walk and accept myself, release the anger I have always carried and all my dislikes of myself that was always mirrored back to me, what is being mirrored back now is very different. its cool, I enjoy it. I enjoy me.

practicality

My brother rang yesterday. Just a keep in touch call, the ones that I never make, even though it is always "my turn". I sometimes get an email from mum saying, "Are you still alive???" lolol
Its just that, if I dont have anything specific to say, I dont see the reason to call. Simple really, but considered strange by many.
Anyway, the conversation also ended up on the subject of me not having "a man", he said something on the lines of "well, when you have got a man again" , to which I reply, nah, I am not looking for a man, I dont need or want or require a man. No, I will not enter a relationship again. No matter if it is a man, a woman or any other being. Not a relationship but an agreement, yes, maybe. I didnt develop this point though.

He is not the only one assuming that I cant take care of myself, because clearly that must be what he is thinking. A lot of beings around me huffing and puffing because I am a single mother, but it is all their assumptions. They have noe idea really of what it is like or how we are experiencing it all me and the kids. We are doing just fine. The funny thing is that even when married I was always single, because I was always enterily alone in everything, I did everything then just as I do now. The only difference is that I am rid of a malfunctioning relationship that was totally destuctive for all involved. So we are doing fine thank you very much. No need for anyones concern. We enjoy ourselves and get on with our lives. I have had assumptions and opinions like "ohh, but I understand if you are tired, your single and goodness me it must be tough sometimes" Bullshit. My life is not tough, things are as they are. I could make it tough be allowing myself to be within that particular mind set but why would I?? That would be extremely stupid and limiting and self deceptive.

An agreement would be practical though. Sharing this process called life experience with another one and equal. I would thoroughly enjoy the brutal self honesty, the no bullshit, straight to it, all open no secrets, very cool assistance! Besides, there is always something heavy around here that needs shifting, always something that needs mending, always points being suppressed. it would certainly speed things up a bit! lol

moving in the matrix

It has been an interesting week. Facing myself in all ways, always. I used to live as if I could take "brakes" from process, where I somehow perceived it to be something I could switch on and of. lolol Nope. Doesnt work like that. Within that I managed to create endless loops.

I have placed myself in situations where I would previously have done anything to "not go there", meeting strangers, having to be social, whatevever the fuck that means.
There is this immense stability though, where I will push myself and do whatever necessary, place myself wherever necessary and do what has to be done. The "core" of me is stable. Absolutely stable. And that is soooo cool. I know that whatever happens, whoever I meet, whatever anyone do or say, I still remain. I really do still remain. This stability is me.

So, the stability as me is here. Still self trust is not lived.
The following points revealed as I have expereinced this week>
1. Feeling "uncomfortable" around others. Feeling "out of place", sticking out. Literally as if you were picked up and placed on a different planet, where you are a totally different species and then to interact accordingly in this new environment. It is fascinating because it is such separation. Even if I wre on a different planet lol, then why would I be any different? Why is there a perception of not being one and equal no matter what. Ok, all are walking talking systems, totally alien to life, so am I somehow placing myself "above" others. Is there something still lurking with this. Why else would I experience alienation. Absolutely all is me, one and equal. All in exsistence. There is no difference. Now I face ALL of me, face all separation head on, face all the systems, and there are billions here!!!

2. Facing the mother matrix system within and as my mother. This was interesting. Every time we meet I see clearer what she is doing and why she is experiencing her the way she does.
She feels safe within her fears. She have created a world in which she is in constant physical and mental pain so that she can feel alive, feel as if she exists. Because she never could get the validation that she exist she will validate it through pain because of no self worth. This has become her entire life experience, to the extent she fears letting go of her self created hell and so will hold on for dear life. Refuse to see that SHE is responsible for it all , noone and nothing else.
I can see she is totally fucked within this. All I can do is remain here, stable, and assist if and when she directly comes to me. The solution is herself, its right here under her nose, but she refuse to see.

3.Images. Images I m ages. This is a point that is here , and that I still havent released. The obsessions with pictures, picture presentations. And its funny, because I have proved to myself that they are not real , I KNOW that its my minds interpretation of a reflection, within and as this reality, and still I somehow value that. That is an addiction. I have been addicted to my mind imagery for all my existence. And I have believed that it is a correct representation of life itself, the way it is. The images holds no value, all values are opinions and beliefs, made in separation. How can an image of any kind be valid or valued when its an idea. It is created within and as my mind through my eyes, and not constant, not something that will stand the test of time, so it cannot be real. How can any value or importance be placed in an illusion?! That is rediculous.

So, I got some "material" to work with here. A lot os self forgiveness points.

me as the body

i used to be concerned and conscious about how I look, like so many, obsessed with the image of myself and the constant self judgment, self comparison and self loathing cycles this entailed. I was never good enough, never thin enough, never pretty enough, never funny enough, never interesting enough, never cool enough, never acceptable enough, never enough. This self destructive mode used to be an excellent method of denial and hiding from what matters and what is real - my allowed separation from life and the consequences thereof.

Until I realized this> I am life, as all as one in oneness and equality. A being incarnated into this human physical body for the duration of this life experience - nothing more nothing less. Any defintion made onto this human physical body is separation and self dishonesty because the physical body is the physical body, a physical body in the physical - thats it. Simple!
Why allow mind to run any programme that complicates, separates, compares, judges, places opinions on what is here, when this program is a program - not real. Why would I allow any of such limitation and separation?!! Why would life itself want or desire to limit itself? That is absurd.
Here is here, it doesnt need to be defined. I liberate myself from an imagined prison within and as mind of beliefs, opinions, ideas, perceptions of the human physical body. Unconditional self acceptance as life here, wlking the physical, experiencing the physical and re membering who i am as life, as all in onenes and equality. it doesnt get cooler then that! lol

Today I had a meeting with one of the "teachers", or is it called "lecturer" at my local school. I had never met or spoken to him face to face, only a couple of short emails.
So, this person was totaly "new" to me.

As I was driving home I saw ver clearly the obvious way in which my mind works, this particular program running that occurs when my "personality suit" runs one of its system programs as follows.

Image storing > beings > faces >

Stand face to face with another being for the first time> system start > scan face, note the looks of the being in order to categorize
>categorization - look for files where similar images of faces occur >place into that file
>look at and initialize what is connected to this file by scanning for memories tied in with reactions connected to another being with similarities to new being and kick in - judgement, comparison
> check for other possible similarities associated with memories and reactions in the past, assimilate those and >
system recharge by experiencing similar reactions within towards " a partivular kind of being" whom in my past I have experienced myself towards

So then if this continues I get reactions within based on past ideas, definitions, reactions, experiences, memories allocated to this other now scanned being, which is calculated and categorized according to "personalities" that I have met or known in the past.
next will then come the "feeding" of the system which is all the emotions, feelings and thoughts this kicks of.

It was soo fucking obvious as I was driving home. I saw the whole thing from beginning to end. So S t O P. No more automatic system "kick ins". I direct myself here within and as every breath.

This was cool though, it allows me to clearly see the systems so that I can deal with them accordingly.
Fascinating systematic behavior, and its so obvious.
SF to follow


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as soon as I meet another being as me that I havent seen with my human physical eyes I allow a program to run which judges and compares this being to other beings I have met in my past of which I have had relationship to or with or merely just seen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind create images of the beings I have not met in the physical dependant on what they sound like or how they express themselves in words although the manifestation the being is currently in is totally and utterly irrelevant to who that particular being really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop this programmed reactive habitual behavior when meeting another being in the physical or communicating with the being in any way - only mind desires wants and needs images and pictures, I am not limited to my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self aware when meeting another being as me in the physical for the first time instead of simply remaining here within and as breath and direct myself in the moment accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed any value in images and pictures - images and pictures which are not real but merely mind interpretations of what is really here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop this preprogrammed, habitual and reactive behavior but instead allowed myself to follow it and only notice what I was accepting after activating and running the program which is unacceptable - I stop immediately

I do not accept or allow any preprogrammed reactive, habitual behaviors of any kind.
I do not accept or allow myself to believe that it is possible to "not notice" a preprogrammed behavior start which is self deceptive and totally unacceptable - I see absolutely everything I allow and accept myself to be one and equal to in every moment - there are no excuses.
I stop. No more. I direct me in every moment of breath according to and as the principle of oneness and equality. Everything I do, every moment here I live as the principle of oneness and equality as all, and what supports and assist life as all as one in oneness and equality until all is here, amalgamated as life eternally.
No more separation. No more limitation. I stand. I walk in absolute self trust and stability here.

moments within

yesterday I was sitting in bed after writing sf. It was silent, the children were sleeping, and I was just sitting there enjoying myself within this silence. Breathing. The only sounds were breathing and the house creaking. As I sat there this joy welled up from within, it was just here, and I sat there merging with this joy, and I said to myself, wow! This is here always, its here, yet when I live within my mind, my head, I dont see it.  This joy is me, because it was all of me, it was in all of me and it was absolutely awesome. 

So then for me to have decided to live within my mind for all my life, has actually chosen the prison that it entails, because within my mind, everything is misery and pain and suffering, and I experience the occational up, but mostly it is down, a very sober, rather miserable existecence.

But within this joy that is here, all exist, I dont and cannot deny what is here, and its not rosy and peachy, but I see that this joy is me, and I suppose this joy is life itself. Because life just is, always have been and always will be, it is eternal and absolute, constant, stable, and cannot ever be harmed in any way, cannot go away, vanish, end. 

I am life, as all as one, and within that there is absolute self trust and self stability. Life can never fail, how can it, when life is all.

It gets easier to see what is real and what isnt. As I walk this process, I become the process. I live it, breathe it because its all me. And I become aware of my body, of everything within, every little movement , every little pain. I am learning to listen to my body, trust myself as my body.

My body will bring me right back here if I allow myself to "lose" myself in my mind, and I cannot deny that or suppress it because it is here and its real and its physical!

Cutting down the sweet intake hasnt been all that hard. No chocolate, no sweets, no icecream, and a lot more fruit. Also cut down radically the amount of coca cola which I have been addicted to. peeling of the addictions one by one. Increasing water intake

Experiencing some physical pain in my legs, muscles, a bit like when you have the flue or is about to get it, that strange pain that follows with that.

I am enjoying myself!

I just read Bs post in the open forum abour memories. And really, when you look at it, its all we have ever consisted of. All of the personality I have believed to be me is based on memory, and is "living" totally defined and constricted and limited to these memories.
Were I to remove, drop all memories, damn, it would be freedom. total and utter release from this illusionary belief of what self is.
And thoughts, are these not really memories? Most of the thoughts I have are certainly that, it is based on occurences in the past of which I use to then determine or imagine possible outcomes in the future. What a complete and utter fuck up!
Mind does believe it cannot possibly survive without its memory, because that is all that it consist of and thus it would die and then it attempts to generate fear to try to make you stay asleep and actually believe it is impossible to let go of your memories. There would be nothing to generate the energy with through memories, definitions, beliefs, opinions, feelings and emotions. It would be "empty". Silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted anda llowed myself to believe that the memories I have are valuable in any way because they determine my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe I need a personality to stay alive or to be functional within this reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my memories and my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myhself to actually believe that my personality is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to find comfort within my personality, it is "safe" because I am used to it, it is familiar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to and within my memory and within that created illusionary personality suits

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store moments as memories and believe them to be real, valuable and important

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without memories I could not possibly function

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it woudl not be practical to live without memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to find justifications and excuses to be able to hold on to my memories out of fear

I stop. I realize that I am not my memories and that I do not need or require any memories and personality suits. I cannot be limited to memories and personality suits, life cannot be limited or restricted in any way. I do not accept or allow any attempts of justification or excuses not to release and let go of all memories. Here is all there is. Within and as breath, as life as all as one in oneness and equality. With every breath I remain here. I die in every moment. Holdng on to nothing. Silent. Empty and self directive.

focusing on relATEiONshIps

as I was driving back alone last night I was looking at relationships again, and how I had lived my entire adult life according to the opinion I had created of how I wanted and desired relationships to be for them to be worthy, or for them to last.
And it was clear that all that I had placed within the concept or relationships was nothing but beliefs, opinions such as> absolute honesty, "real" affection, liking eachother, unconditionally accepting eachother, seeing and hearing eachother, respecting eachother, honoring eachother, supporting eachoter uncondtionally, and this idea, I find it difficult to place words on it to be able to explain it, but something like this> having a deep and sensere, REAL connection, wherein we understand eachoter, and value eachother, where there is this equality and a knowing that we are always there for eachoter no matter what, and this runs to the core of us and cannot be altered because it becomes us, and within that there is freedom to be and enjoy eachother unconditionally.
And as I was looking at this while driving, speaking out loud, talking to myself as I tend to do, I realized that not only is it obvious that I could never have found that relationship the way they are defined by human beings currently. What is also obvious that what I always considered being a "worthy" relationship, one there would be a point in entering was actually an agreement, because now, when i realize and understand what an agreement is, I see that this is what I would use as some form of "mold", where I attempted to fit in relationships of this world and that could ofcourse never work. Hence no relationship ever worked out.
And also, considering that even with a view on relationships as most human beings have, where they look for "good sex" or "affection" or "security" etc and then attempt to search for this other being to apparently fulfil these desires, most never even take into consideration that there must be as many different desires within relationships as there are opinions on this planet what are the odds for you actually finding what you desire? Zilch! Yet the search is always on and always end up in tears eventually. And at some point you will "lower" your standards not to feel alone, thinking that maybe they will change, maybe you can change them, but obviously this cannot happen, it is impossible.

Its strange how humans never stop and look at what they are doing. Why would I desire another being? That implies that somehow I am not complete, somehow I cannot function unless I have got another being here with me, who can tell me how wonderful I am , how great I am and constantly prove to me that I am worthy of existing, because if another wants to be in a relationship with me then clearly I must exist, clearly I am great, I am ok, Im likeable. How can that be real? Something that will only last for a while and then slowly wither and die. If it does not remain, as it was and always had been, it is not real.
Instead of seeing that when I like myself unconditionally, I do not need anyone else to like me, it would not affect me in any way.
when I love myself unconditionally I do not need or desire anyone elses love, I realize that I am complete.
when I am self intimate with me, absolutely and unconditionally I see that I do not desire or need intimacy with another in separation of me.
Humans constanly search for what is already here within. That is sad.

These last couple of days the agreement issue has been "resurfacing". I have had moments where I have absolutely dismissed it all, not wanting to even look at the possibility, but I see now precicely why I did this and I see that that was an opinion based on the relationships I have had, which ofcourse is nothing like an agreement.
I also managed to create a beLIEf that I wasnt ready for it, and that is curious, ready? not ready? what does that imply? that I am waiting, because I am scared shitless of facing ALL of me? Well, it cannot have been anything else. Because an agreement you are facing yourself head on in every breath, in every moment. Well, you are anyway all the time, but the assistance of another as you must force matters to the fore and asssit with seeing suppressions faster, avoiding certain unecessary loops.
If I am dedicated to myself and getting this done then I would not turn anything away that will assist with specificity and movement!
So I stop waiting for me, there is nothing to wait for since all is here. I work with what is here and what is practical in every moment. Simple!

opinions

opinions is based on conditionings throughout life, starting from being born and continuously loop around and evolve based on experienced memories, none of which are real but only experienced within as the personality the being believes itself to be accordingly.
So, what is opinion and what is real?

a few Opinions>
love - what is love? It is the opinion that you apparently need someone outside of yourself, in separation from yourself to provide you with whatever you believe yourself to lack in order for you to feel secure and complete. Creating a dependancy on a partner, and a need for one and so you will spend your life in continuous search for love and exist in constant fear of losing love. Getting lost in an opinion, an illusion that you are then limited to and by.
Family> Being taught and conditioned by society and forfathers that family is security, comfort and love. So with this conditioning you will search for love in order to create a family because you are now of the opinion that this is what is important in life and what is the foundation for all beings, to be within and as a family construct.
relationships> You are of the opinion that you require a relationship and to find "the one" to fall inlove with so that you can start a family
Friends> You have been conditioned and taught through family and school that friends are important because they can assit you in continuously validating your opinions by agreeing with you and thus you develop a need for and desire for friends. Your ego gets a boost, and thus, this validation of opinions becomes a drug, an addiction and so you fear not having any friends, because then, you are noone, your opinion is apparently not worth anything and that triggers fear

Opinions are beLIEfs. And you are of the opinion that beliefs are important because that makes you who you are, makes you an individual. In reality none of them are real. Its all you know though, because you have been stuffed with knowledge from the moment you opened your eyes by other systematic individuals who in turn have been stuffed with knowledge, beliefs and opinions. None of it is you, because you never had a chance to see you, to find out who you really are. You were not supported and assisted unconditionally to be who you are. You have been told who and how to be. You believe that you are living, that you are life, because you have opinions of what life apparently is.

So it takes courage to step out of the perceived safe but very limited existence. You are literally living a movie, of which you are totally out of control because you have totally forgotten what is real and what is not. So its mayhem, human beings being the robots that has gone mad, and who are only concerned abotu themselves and their needs, opinions and wants and desires. Totally separated from life as all as one in oneness and equality. The energy is running low though, it can only last for so long and the robots will shut down one by one.

When I look into me, all I see is opinions/beliefs. I consist of nothing else. Opinions based on opinions in a neverending loop. These opinions adn beliefs triggers emotions, thoughts, feelings, memories and so I apparently live my life, round and round and round, nothing ever changing.
Occationally rebooting the system, and upgrading the opinion/beliefsystem through sex. All the while suppressing it all, because if I am absolutely self honest, I see all this. The question each will have to ask though is do I dare to step out of this illusion? Do I dare to see who I really am and what I have actually allowed myself to do to life itself?
There cannot be a choice though, because life is life. Life itself can never be destroyed, it is and will always remain. And those who are not willing to step out of the box and dare to live, those are dead anyway, and in death you are no more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have opinions and actually believe that my opinions are valid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to beleive that opinions were real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my opinions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to beliefs and opinions, none of which are real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that without my opinions and beliefs I would not exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in my opinions because to me they were "sound" and "healthy" and made me a "good", "honest" and trustworthy person whom others would like and value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to illusions like opinions and beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind my opinions, beliefs as a personality suit to avoid facing myself and what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to abdicate myself to opinions and beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being someone, not having a personality, not being seen and not being heard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not existing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that anything of what I thought was me, my personality , my individuality was real and valid when it has been nothing but a self created illusion, my own little personal world and bubble in which I believed I was safe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to desire to feel and be safe, wanted, loved, seen, heard, validated to apaprently feel real and to feel alive and a part of society because without it I would apparently die

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I needed to live through a mind to actually live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way I coudl experience life itself was throught he physical and that while being inthe physical I needed the mind and thus abdicated myself to the mind, allowing myself to forget the truth of me which was fear

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let an illusion like fear limit myself in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life itself, from who and what I really am to apparently live such a limited and separated, painful existence

I stop. I do not allow or accept myself to exist within and as opinions. I am not limited to anything or anyone. I am limitless as life as all as one in oneness and equality.
Nothing exist but life here, within each and every breath. I let go of the illusion that I need, want, desire or require anything or anyone to be here, i do not. All is me, and all is here already.
there is nothing and noone to search for, there is nothing and noone in separation of me. All is here. I stop waiting. I stop.
I remain here. Constant, stable.

??

Today in the letterbox amongst all the other advertising was this bright red folded sheet of paper. The text on it was black, and I registred that it had lots of text on it when I noticed these words " jesus is coming" HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Yeah, I had a really good laugh. And yes, I have read these words lots of times during my life when some lost so called christians crossed my way, but this time, I mean, holy mo, how much can you delude yourself and stick your head in the sand. Humans are pathetic creations, walking around actually believing in fairytails and pretending that all is well, heck, the saviour is coming! hahahahahahahahah oh, the redicilousness of it all!!!!

I guess itll be a hard landing for some.

I have been enjoying the children and our every day life with all that entails. This is good practice in remaining here, not taking anything for granted and having as much fun as we can. Enjoying ourselves in the moment. Kids are great assistance because they are here, when playing they are the play, all or nothing. I laugh a lot more, more than I have ever done. Me and my youngest daughter laugh a lot together, at everything and nothing. Silly noises, funny noises, silly faces, dancing. She is the most joyous being I have ever met.

The children are and have taught me a lot about myself, I am grateful for their assistance!
"Why is it strange to dip your apple pieces in ketchup?" One of my sons enjoy this. "Its yummi mum!" lol
"Mummy I dont care that my sleaves are dirty because I wiped my moth on them. Why do I need a new jumper?"
"I want to jump on the bed because its fun!"
"I suck my thumb because its yummi and i wont stop until Im 115!"
"I scremed "willy" in the bus because it sounds funny and everyone else laughs"
Parents should drop their illusional "musts" that has been taught them by their parents, and of which most are conditionings "because oh, that is just not done, that is not considered acceptable".
See your kids. Be with them, and let go of your opinions. Use common sense, and realize that just because they are small doesnt mean that what they have to say is not valid or somehow less valid. See them and hear them. You will learn a lot! The children are one and equal to you. They are not your posession. They are not "yours". They are beings, full of laughter and joy, if only they are supported and assisted unconditionally for who they really are.

Definitions relationships

I am looking at how I have defined relationships within my life. I am looking at what shaped these definitions, what events shaped and formed my idea of what a relationship apparently is or seem to be and then based ALL my relationships in my life experience upon these events or event triggered definitions in my life.

It seems clear now that I have defined relationships based upon the relationships within the family i grew up in and the experiences I had with friends in school.

When looking at the relationships that has affected me most in my life it has been the daughter-father relationship, ,but also the everyday "family life" I experienced with events within this that had such an impact on me that they shaped my entire idea of relationships, in particular towards men in my life.

I didnt at that point understand or realize that what my father expressed or did had nothing to do with me but all to do with him and his allowances. As a child I started of blaming myself, I must be the cause, I must deserve this, only later to pass all the blame onto him, it was all his fault, he had ruined my childhood, he had ruined the family, he had ruined my life, etc.
Subconsciously I then equated that since he was the first male rolemodel in my life, this is the only male early in my life that represents what males are and stand for, so i then made the equation that this is what all men must be like, or even worse, this is what a man apparently should be like.

I hated the guts of him, I loathed him, I begged for the fucker to dieeee a long slow death, I wanted him out of my life and everyone elses, I wanted never ever to see or talk to him again, because he was the cause for all the misery, all the fear, that he had projected unto us, and I hated him because I didnt deserve this, I didnt ask to be bloody born, if I had done I would have made sure to NEVER chose a father like that, lol
Also at the same time hoping, wanting and desiring him to just take care of me, accept me unconditionally and love me.

I see now that I took his behaviour, his words and actions personally. I see now that it had nothing to do with me. It was his personal demonic battle within himself, but he didnt see this, he didnt realize that he was responsible for himself, and if he did, it scared the shit out of him and he suppressed it. I also see now that having such a father has assisted me immensly. Maybe I would not be where I am now, facing these points, and now actually realizing what gifts there are in these experiences.
For the first time in my existence I have an opportunity to release myself from these constructs and see who I really am.

I also realize that I hid all my own fears, and all my own suppressions behind him. Since he was being the devil, all the shit that was going on inside of me, the fears, the worry, all the questions, i could suppress just a little bit longer, not having to face myself or take self responsability. This ofcourse can only last for so long, until you compound it so much that the bubble birsts, or you live through you allowances, your manifested allowances to see what you are doing and simply stop when youve had enough of it. The living through not being necessary if you allow yourself to see, in self honesty and forgive yourself unconditionally for it all and then practically walk the changes. Prove to yourself that you see the point, you understand and realize what is real and what is not.

As a child I looked upon my parents as superiour, in particular my father. I actually believed that I deserved all i experienced from him, the lack of affection, love, care. I began to believe that being hit, screamed at and apparently loathed, taken for granted and pushed around was ok, and the way it simply was. Looking at my father as the bad one and my mother as the good one, the comfort, the saviour, the safe haven if all went to hell.
I see now the polarity play out here, between good and bad. between love and hate, between fear and safety/contentment. And I also see that my believing that I was not worthy to be loved, that I was inferiour to the male actually paved my way with relationships to men in my life, projecting the inferiority which would ofcourse attract the superiority male to balance itself out.
And I see now how it all worked, I see the equation behind it all. I allowed each and every single experience in my life because I created it all through my beliefs and thoughts. I manifested my experience of me, there is absolutely noone I can blame. That is a shockign realization, because then I realize that I, and only I am responsible for myself, and what I allow myself to be one and equal to and thus manifest in my life!
And then I go duh!!!! how come I never saw this. This is common sense.
There is no point in beating myself up over not seeing it "earlier", what matters is here. What matters is that I realize it, now I have to live it. Live the change, and actually stop this whole manifested loop and actually change my experience of myself here.

I also realized that early on in my childhood we moved around a lot. I never had an opportunity to make friends, because I knew we would not stay that long, or i feared we would have to leave again. So I was a loner. Building this invisible wall around me to protect myself, not letting anyone in or too close. The few i did let in turned out to be liars, letting me down, turning on me, leaving me, using me, which only compunded it all. So, friends were not to be trusted. Friends are superficial, and selfish, and there is simply noone on this planet you can trust but yourself! So, I was my own best friend. All of this also projected in the desire to meet a man to share it all with, who i could simply share all of me with, this actually keeping the polarity of ,on the one hand desiring a relationship and on the other hand resenting it, avoiding it. If i believe noone can be trusted, how will I then experience a relationship? What do I project that will seek to balance itself out if not deceit, the very thing I fear. lol
And so I would run around for most in my life, keeping myself very busy indeed being miserable, for no reason at all really. Well i see now why this was in place, and for what purpose this loop would be maintained within this contructed so called reality.

Self forgiveness on these realizations to follow.

human body

all this life I have looked in the mirror and gone, jeezz, that cannot be me!! No way. lol
Because I for all my life separated myself from what I saw in the mirror. it made no sense, beccause it didnt "feel" like me at all. It was like the experience of me was not at all what the image told me. It was, is just an image anyway. What is real and what is not?! This separation, because clearly it was nothing but another separation, not seeing that yes, this is indeed just an image, and this is not at all all that I consist of, this is not a statement of me, its a physical body, but I am not limited to that, even though I spent most of my life thinkig I was. And also not to judge it. It is what it is. I see this, but actually living these words is a process. Or is that an excuse not to simply release it now?!!! Yes, actually it is. Because why can I not just let go of all these definitions, ideas, past memories and all the shit I have carried willingly all my life? Why would I want to contnie this suffering?

I never considered myself to be concerned or give a shit about beauty, but I see now that this was just denial. I always considered beings who had a "normal" weight to be "preferable". this is so common, and is not only inherited through family ties but also a constant brainwashing from a very early age through school, media etc. Well, perhaps not so much other beings, but more so myself. I was always very skinny, and could eat a lot and never gain anything. And I was content with the physical body then, I could accept living in it lol. But after having kids, it all changed. And I got fatter and fatter. All of a sudden I was in my eyes totally unacceptable and the image in that mirror just got even more separated from myself. I see now only compounding so that I will be able to see and release this once and for all.

I have also experienced interesting points regarding relationships and body weight. because ofcourse, we are constantly told that thin is sexy, thin is cool, thin is "normal", so when you appear to be "outside" of that frame you in a way dont exist and when I experienced this, some intresting things happened, on the one hand I was relieved because this would mean no attention from men what so ever, at least not as much as you would get being thinner, but then also a disgust that I "let myself go", and that I simply dont enjoy this extra padding, it is impractical and its in the way. Subconsciously I probably manifested this also due to my ex, because he never like fat women, so hence, I became fat lol.

ofcourse, fat, thin, long, short , small. It doesnt matter at all. And i KNOW ,though knowing is just knowing, living it is what matters because then I show to myself absolutely that I cannot be, and never was defined by any certain look, by being thin or fat, by anything. I accept myself and I love myself unconditionally. I see and I realize that the image I see is not me, it is me in the physical, it is my physical presentation here now in this moment. But yet I am not defined by it or limited to it. For a moment here this is my physical presentation, and it just is. If there are any judgments, definitions, reactions, thoughts, feelings towards or by it then that is something that needs looking at and require releasing by the being experiencing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by and limited to my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my physical body is limiting me

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body, not seeing that I am one and equal to all manifestations in existence

I forgive myself that I have acceptd and allowed myself to judge the human ohysical body in general and my physical body in particular

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a body should look in a certain way to apparently be accepted and "normal"

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself to consider thin beigns more attractive than fat beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, the physical image of me as not good enough, not pretty enough, not attractive enough, simply not enough

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my human physical body for granted

i forgive myslef that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed ploarity constructs such as good-bad, attractive-ugly, thin-fat instead of seeing and realizing the self deception and separation within this and simply stop

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself compare other human bodies against eachother

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for my phyical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself ugly and unimportant and uninteresting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to haet myself and the physical image of myself simply becaise I separated myself from myself to the extent I cannot relate to the image I see in the mirror

I forgive myself thta i have accepted and allowed msydelf to believe that the image i see in the mirror is really me and all that there is of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put any importance or have any reactions within towards a picture presentation

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experiece any thoughts, feelings, emotions or memories

I see and realize that I am not and cannot be limited to a picture presentation of my human physical body

I see myself as one and equal to all manifestations in existence

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I am one and equal to how and what I experience here and that all is specific so that I will be able to see and realize and let go, transcend them and assist myself here within process of self realization

I unconditionally let go of all my conditionings regarding "normality" and all pre programmed reactions towards anything or anyone
I do not accept or allow me to experience any reactions within.
I remain here stable and self directive in every moment of every breath.
I stand. I walk.

letting go

I just read Mattis post on forum, very cool realizations shared here regarding definitions and values put on self, the self we perceive us to be, and how letting go of all definitions, values must be done.

Its seem that what prevents me from being here, seeing what is here and what is real is the perceived resistance of letting go of anything and everything that defines me according to the mind, the life that was lived through my mind, which was not real but created within and as the mind as to seem real, when in fact it was separation and limitation.

As long as i keep holding on to this world that I believe to be real, the world I experience myself within and all teh beings within it, as long as a need is experienced to maintain and stay within this, I will be running around in the same old loop not seeing anything, not being able to self realize. Not giving myself the opportunity to self realize here will inevitably mean self removal, because systems are not life and are removed. So there is no choice. I am dead anyway, lol
So, I might as well let go of it all. Let go of the illusions that I am safe withing this experience I have created for myself this life, all that I know and that are familiar. All the experiences, preferences, wants, dreams, plans , all of it, there can be nothing and nobody that allow me to defines or "frames" myself, keeping myself bound and blind. Being here in every moment, I cannot be defined by any personality in any way and all that were allocated to this personality.

So why all the excuses when there are no excuses. If im not HERE, then clearly im still screwing around within and as my mind, using excuses of any kind to remain within and as it and stay the same. if im not here now, then clearly I must be using excuses and justifications as to why im not here ...yet.... and in that yet actually justifying the apparent waiting to self realize, waiting for myself when all is here and always have been.

and I know it is a process, but I see that this also can be used as justification to somehow allow for a backdoor to remain so that excuses can be justified and it is utterly unacceptable!

some title...

a while back I started or rather continued my blog on wordpress. Now Ive decided to continue here, with blogspot again. It doesn't really matter, what matters is that I use it, and so I continue to share the process of self realization here.

As I opened the blog today I also decided to go through the links of other beings sharing process, it was a while since, and I see that some has removed their blogs, some has changed quite a bit since I last looked, there was one that made me chuckle, a total u turn seems to have been made for him since last I read his blog, so I decided to remove him too.
There is no judgment within this, it is what it is. Some will decide to continue screwing around a bit more, as if the suffering hasn't quite compounded enough yet to be able to see anything or ask any serious questions and thus seem to believe they can remove themselves from process LOL
All is here anyway. And all will eventually stand here as all as one in oneness and equality.

I have been looking, and are still looking at the definitions I have placed upon myself as to who i have defined and believed myself to be. Within this I see that none of it was/is real. How can it be real, something that fluctuates, changes and molds itself according to its environment cannot be real. What would be real is stable, constant, here and does not exist within and as polarities of mind.
I found that the major personality suits and definition within this lifetime has been that of apparently being a woman and a mother. Within those (and many others) I have created an inner reality that gave me purpose within this life. Because I believed myself to have to have some kind of purpose to be able to live. Trapping and enslaving myself and limiting myself to the definition of apparently being a woman and a mother. It is a perfect little illusion where you constantly experience yourself in turmoil and self punishment. A self created illusionary hell that you actually believe to be real because you experience it within. Never actually stopping to ask yourself, but wtf, why??? WHY? do I allow this to exist within me? Why and how did I allow this to happen?
Well, I did ask those questions, and through this process i keep asking questions, seeing into me exactly what I have become by my own allowances.

For me, it was purpose. Prior to being aware of the process of self realization I simply could not find any meaning with life if I couldnt find a purpose within it. Now ofcourse I know and realize there simply is none. But this search for purpose so beautifully programmed in, led to a search of a personality suit that would provide this apparent purpose. Being a mother seemed to be the ultimate. So I became a mother. And I limitied and defined myself as a mother, and a damn good one too, I made sure that this was all my life was about, because within this the search and need for purpose was quenched, or so it seemed. I could busy myself with being a mother, neatly categorizing myself into this little folder where I felt safe, and could continue and live this life. Not ofcourse for one bloody minute actually seeing what is here, what is real and that all I was concerned about was me, not seeing the bigger picture, not realizing the total limitation and the continued self abuse and the effects on a bigger scale that this supported.

I have come to realize that it doesnt really matter what personality suit you take on, they are all attempts to hide, all attempts to feel safe, accepted, and live an "ok" life.
For me the mother matrix system, the personality suit of apparently being a mother with all the definitions this entail meant that yes, I had a "place" here. I could focus on this so that I didnt have to find answers to all the real questions, to all the serious heavy duty ones because of fear of actual answers and fear of taking self responsibility, and actually direct myself within this awareness here. So in believing that this limited personality suit as a mother was who I was, I accepted all the polarities, all the worries, the emotional turmoil, constant, are they okey, am I a good enough mother, are they safe, got to keep them safe, I love my children, I put them before all and everything, I cherish my children, I bleive my children to actually be my children, I fear losing my children, I fear for their welbeing, constantly and endlessly living withtin this inner turmoil of never being good enough, never being able to be in full control, never content, just a constant inner battle of polarities.

I see now. And now I face all these allowances. and I STOP!
A full stop. Breathe and see what is here, and forgive myself for all these allowances and acceptances. Gift myself to be unconditionally.

I cannot be limited in any way, to anything or anyone. I cannot allow or accept any limitation of self, of who and what i consist of and as. I cannot claim to be limited to being a mother, a woman, a human being, because I see myself one and equal to all there is. All manifestations and beings.
And within that there is no judgment, no comparison, no fear, no worry, no nothing. Just silence.

So, I stand here, removing these pesonality suits, seeing myself here, the real self. releasing all the layers, one by one through self forgiveness. Sometimes its tough, but I remain. I stand!!!!

http://equalandone.wordpress.com/

more SF on father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my father hated me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn the father I never had

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to realize that a father is a mind consciousness system placement within and as a being and not who that being really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I missed out on something by not having a father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness for apparently not having a father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a perception and a definition of what a father should be like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my fathers behaviour instead of realizing that this was his programming and not who he really was

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe and despise the traits and similarities in me that I downloaded from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate mysefl from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for all the shit that has happened in my life instead of realizing that that is self deception and a way to try and run from facing myself and taking full responsibility for myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become - I am responsible for me in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to be grateful for my fathers placement in my life because it was specific and assisted me in facing aspects of me and my allowances so that I can stand absolute in self honesty and self trust and realize who i really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear

I am stability- solid - no matter what stable. With that fear does not exist. I am HERE.
The experience of this stability is absolute. It is absolutely absolute. My foundation that cannot brake, that cannot crack, that cannot change, that cannot vanish. It is me, who I am.

Now, I have experiecend this at other stages withinthis process. And for the last couple of days I experienced it again. When I allow me to just be, within self trust, is when I am stability.
Ofcourse I always am, I just dont always realize it.

I dreamt last night, but even though the dream was clear as I woke up this morning, I cant really recall it now. I do recall noticing and observing myself in the dream though, as I do all the time within process when awake, and that was the first time I actually noticed that in a dream.
So, the next step will be to actually apply self forgiveness as I do awake in the dream too, immediately and specifically.

I have also noticed a change in my approach to the chat on the forum. There is not much to say.
There is very little going on so I am simply silent. I just observe me, and see if there are any reactions, and I´ll apply sf accordingly. So the next step would be to vlog.
It feels a natural step to take - and a brilliant opportunity to observe myself and my behaviors.
I am purifying it all- amalgamating with it all - until I am all one and equal to all and everything within existence.