some title...

a while back I started or rather continued my blog on wordpress. Now Ive decided to continue here, with blogspot again. It doesn't really matter, what matters is that I use it, and so I continue to share the process of self realization here.

As I opened the blog today I also decided to go through the links of other beings sharing process, it was a while since, and I see that some has removed their blogs, some has changed quite a bit since I last looked, there was one that made me chuckle, a total u turn seems to have been made for him since last I read his blog, so I decided to remove him too.
There is no judgment within this, it is what it is. Some will decide to continue screwing around a bit more, as if the suffering hasn't quite compounded enough yet to be able to see anything or ask any serious questions and thus seem to believe they can remove themselves from process LOL
All is here anyway. And all will eventually stand here as all as one in oneness and equality.

I have been looking, and are still looking at the definitions I have placed upon myself as to who i have defined and believed myself to be. Within this I see that none of it was/is real. How can it be real, something that fluctuates, changes and molds itself according to its environment cannot be real. What would be real is stable, constant, here and does not exist within and as polarities of mind.
I found that the major personality suits and definition within this lifetime has been that of apparently being a woman and a mother. Within those (and many others) I have created an inner reality that gave me purpose within this life. Because I believed myself to have to have some kind of purpose to be able to live. Trapping and enslaving myself and limiting myself to the definition of apparently being a woman and a mother. It is a perfect little illusion where you constantly experience yourself in turmoil and self punishment. A self created illusionary hell that you actually believe to be real because you experience it within. Never actually stopping to ask yourself, but wtf, why??? WHY? do I allow this to exist within me? Why and how did I allow this to happen?
Well, I did ask those questions, and through this process i keep asking questions, seeing into me exactly what I have become by my own allowances.

For me, it was purpose. Prior to being aware of the process of self realization I simply could not find any meaning with life if I couldnt find a purpose within it. Now ofcourse I know and realize there simply is none. But this search for purpose so beautifully programmed in, led to a search of a personality suit that would provide this apparent purpose. Being a mother seemed to be the ultimate. So I became a mother. And I limitied and defined myself as a mother, and a damn good one too, I made sure that this was all my life was about, because within this the search and need for purpose was quenched, or so it seemed. I could busy myself with being a mother, neatly categorizing myself into this little folder where I felt safe, and could continue and live this life. Not ofcourse for one bloody minute actually seeing what is here, what is real and that all I was concerned about was me, not seeing the bigger picture, not realizing the total limitation and the continued self abuse and the effects on a bigger scale that this supported.

I have come to realize that it doesnt really matter what personality suit you take on, they are all attempts to hide, all attempts to feel safe, accepted, and live an "ok" life.
For me the mother matrix system, the personality suit of apparently being a mother with all the definitions this entail meant that yes, I had a "place" here. I could focus on this so that I didnt have to find answers to all the real questions, to all the serious heavy duty ones because of fear of actual answers and fear of taking self responsibility, and actually direct myself within this awareness here. So in believing that this limited personality suit as a mother was who I was, I accepted all the polarities, all the worries, the emotional turmoil, constant, are they okey, am I a good enough mother, are they safe, got to keep them safe, I love my children, I put them before all and everything, I cherish my children, I bleive my children to actually be my children, I fear losing my children, I fear for their welbeing, constantly and endlessly living withtin this inner turmoil of never being good enough, never being able to be in full control, never content, just a constant inner battle of polarities.

I see now. And now I face all these allowances. and I STOP!
A full stop. Breathe and see what is here, and forgive myself for all these allowances and acceptances. Gift myself to be unconditionally.

I cannot be limited in any way, to anything or anyone. I cannot allow or accept any limitation of self, of who and what i consist of and as. I cannot claim to be limited to being a mother, a woman, a human being, because I see myself one and equal to all there is. All manifestations and beings.
And within that there is no judgment, no comparison, no fear, no worry, no nothing. Just silence.

So, I stand here, removing these pesonality suits, seeing myself here, the real self. releasing all the layers, one by one through self forgiveness. Sometimes its tough, but I remain. I stand!!!!

http://equalandone.wordpress.com/

more SF on father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my father hated me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn the father I never had

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to realize that a father is a mind consciousness system placement within and as a being and not who that being really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I missed out on something by not having a father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness for apparently not having a father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a perception and a definition of what a father should be like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my fathers behaviour instead of realizing that this was his programming and not who he really was

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe and despise the traits and similarities in me that I downloaded from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate mysefl from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for all the shit that has happened in my life instead of realizing that that is self deception and a way to try and run from facing myself and taking full responsibility for myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become - I am responsible for me in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to be grateful for my fathers placement in my life because it was specific and assisted me in facing aspects of me and my allowances so that I can stand absolute in self honesty and self trust and realize who i really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear

I am stability- solid - no matter what stable. With that fear does not exist. I am HERE.
The experience of this stability is absolute. It is absolutely absolute. My foundation that cannot brake, that cannot crack, that cannot change, that cannot vanish. It is me, who I am.

Now, I have experiecend this at other stages withinthis process. And for the last couple of days I experienced it again. When I allow me to just be, within self trust, is when I am stability.
Ofcourse I always am, I just dont always realize it.

I dreamt last night, but even though the dream was clear as I woke up this morning, I cant really recall it now. I do recall noticing and observing myself in the dream though, as I do all the time within process when awake, and that was the first time I actually noticed that in a dream.
So, the next step will be to actually apply self forgiveness as I do awake in the dream too, immediately and specifically.

I have also noticed a change in my approach to the chat on the forum. There is not much to say.
There is very little going on so I am simply silent. I just observe me, and see if there are any reactions, and I´ll apply sf accordingly. So the next step would be to vlog.
It feels a natural step to take - and a brilliant opportunity to observe myself and my behaviors.
I am purifying it all- amalgamating with it all - until I am all one and equal to all and everything within existence.

The number of times I have sat down now infront of this blog in the last week and not had any clue what to write are numerous.

So, clearly some points within that needs dealing with.

Firstly there was this thought;: Ok - shit - I HAVE to keep writing in my blog, because any resistance of doing so or just the lack of self dicipline if not doing it is telling me I´m allowing my mind to yet again direct me instead of ME directing me.

If words does not flow unconditionally from me as me - then clearly I´d have to look at that point within and direct me accordingly.

I have been procrastinating a lot lately. And it is inexusable. And noone can do this for me - I have to walk through it all - all alone.

The very fact that I am not at this moment in time living in a house for me and the children clearly speaks volumes. if you do not live immediately the words you speak then you are not one and equal to your words but separate. And all I ever wait for is myself. I cannot blame anythign or anyone because I create my world and my reality.

I create what I allow and I create my experience of me. The big question then is why do I wait?

Why do I allow waiting?

And the answer to this question is simple, because it is always simple, apply self honesty and all is very simple:

F E A R OF L O S S

so exactly what does this fear of loss entail:

fear of losing my children

fear or losing my life as I have known it

fear of losing the comfort my life entails

fear of survival

I look at this and cannot allow any beating up of myself because I have allowed all of this in the first place when I KNOW fears are illusional and irrational.

I have to look at it and apply myself accordingly in the realization that this is a process, and there are many layers to go through. There are points I have clearly missed while applying self forgiveness previously on these points. If you do not get to the core, the root of it though, it will keep on going like som old really bad broken record until you find the root and UP root it.

There are in all probablility sub and unconscious points here that obviously are less apparent now, but as I go through with the self forgiveness in self honesty I will uncover it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I must be doing something wrong within this process since the points I thought I had transcended STILL remain - instead of realizing that this is a process - layer upon layer and that there are points to uncover as I go along

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate in my life when this is unacceptable - I do not allow or accept anything less from me than who I am no matter what - and there are NO excuses - I am here - and I get it done for me as me as all as one in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is impossible to lose my children - the children are one and equal to me - so how can I lose me - I am here - infinite - stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that the children are MY children when it is impossible to own anything or anyone. The children in my life are beings one and equal to me - whom I assist and care for as I care for myself - unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the children or any other being in existance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate "my" children from other children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience judgment within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that noone but me should raise the children - all others simply not good enough and in that both judging and separating me from myself and others since we are all one and equal - and the reason for this fear is the very separation we have all allowed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself because in realizing we are all one and equal I realize by looking at the world reflected back upon me what I am capable of and that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to fully realize and take responsability for what I accept and allow which is a direct cause for the separation in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the children out of fear of being alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regretting the way I script my life "when it comes down to it" and live it instead of realizing that for the first time ever do I actually understand that I script my life and my reality and in that realization script it according to and as oneness and equality and in that actually live for the first time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking full self responsability when I now realize the full implications of that statement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still not fully grasp that fear is ILLUSIONAL - it does not exist - it is a mind created illusion to keep me enslaved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear realizing who I really am since all I have ever known is mind - and mind is not who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear insanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still not trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything - not having a home and the comfort that entails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not geting a job that will sustain me and the children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being cold and hungry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at money as more than me when I am one and exual to all manifestations in existanse - money no more or less than me - money is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my life be directed by money instead of me directing me and in that actually giving money power over me - making it more than me when it is not

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to amalgamate with all - since I am all - one and equal - no separation

I forgive myself that I havent allowed and accepted myself to embrace all that is me in existance- unconditionally and from and within that stand up and STOP

till here no further

I do not allow myself to experience separation, fear, guilt or any reaction within and of mind - that is not who I am
I direct myself in every moment of every breath
I give myself permission to enjoy my process in absolute self trust and self honesty
I give myself permission to enjoy my life within process
I give myself permission to have enough money in my life - I am money - one and equal
I give myself permission to totally let go of mind since I am not my mind
I am here
I am life
I am one and equal to all in oneness and equality
I dedicate my life to process so that me as all will be able to stand as one and equal in self realization- no matter what it takes I get it done

Sitting here, all alone, it´s midnight here and all is silent. Just the humming from the computers. Kids are asleep. I will soon be going to bed too, but then realized that I haven´t written anything in my blog for a few days, so why not write in it?!

I could play a bit on the guitar, I seem to want to pick it up all the time, and just play some. Ella says she prefers just to hear the guitar and not my singing (go figure lol) but I can see what she means. I always enjoyed listening to guitar playing without the vocals.
Jonathan says I suck anyway lol, although I have seen him enjoying it when he thinks i don´t notice. Ryan is ok with whatever, mr laid back as he is.
We went to this local playground today. It was such a nice spring day and we had some fun there. There was this wooden old see-saw that we all went on and giggled a lot. I managed to do some swinging as well. It´s nice to let the swing carry your weight for a moment and feel the air run through your hair and over your face. Everyone should swing at least once a week. This actually just reminded me of Bruce. L´s article regarding the swing and living in past and future.
Fitting since I am currently working on the past...

Life seems to be getting simpler though, as in i enjoy me within and as the simple things in life. There is upheaval and a lot of issues to sort out, but within, all is pretty cool. Even though my entire world as I know it has crumbled, there is silence within. I have issues still, to do with allowed feelings and memories regarding the current situation, but I am aware of them and I deal with them and I apply self forgiveness accordingly.

I will go and write some self forgiveness in bed now. Look at my day and whatever issue is at hand.

God natt!

?

At the moment I is going through a cold of sorts. I slept a lot and feel a bit better today.
Has been a very turbulent week, or perhaps months, but certainly culminated this week.
I have had to , and still face LOTS of fear issues and self trust issues. So - walking through every moment - no matter what and it´s painful and very strange - because I experience situations and moments I just never thought Id be able or ever wanted to go through.
So I surprise me sometimes - wow!! - did I say that???? Did I stand then - and actually did that???!
Still fall - get up - cry - walk - fall - bruised - bleeding - cry - stand up - walk! I push through this bastard of a system no matter what it takes. I stop! And I look self honestly within - and I apply self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other beings for judging me and not in that moment realize that I allow loops of judgement and that I is responsible for judgement and noone outside of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience judgement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible for anyone to manipulate me - that is impossible - only minds can be manipulated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others reactions to me and my words of expression in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with another being and in that moment not realize that it is MY frustration I am experiencing and not anything or anyone outside and separate to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lable certain beings as deceptive, false, liars, backstabbing, twofaced instead of realizing that these beigns are mirroring what exist inside me that I have yet to look at that I have accepted and allowed to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience any reaction within - who I really am is stable - constant - no movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about money and how to provide for me and the children

to be continued...