Today I had a meeting with one of the "teachers", or is it called "lecturer" at my local school. I had never met or spoken to him face to face, only a couple of short emails.
So, this person was totaly "new" to me.

As I was driving home I saw ver clearly the obvious way in which my mind works, this particular program running that occurs when my "personality suit" runs one of its system programs as follows.

Image storing > beings > faces >

Stand face to face with another being for the first time> system start > scan face, note the looks of the being in order to categorize
>categorization - look for files where similar images of faces occur >place into that file
>look at and initialize what is connected to this file by scanning for memories tied in with reactions connected to another being with similarities to new being and kick in - judgement, comparison
> check for other possible similarities associated with memories and reactions in the past, assimilate those and >
system recharge by experiencing similar reactions within towards " a partivular kind of being" whom in my past I have experienced myself towards

So then if this continues I get reactions within based on past ideas, definitions, reactions, experiences, memories allocated to this other now scanned being, which is calculated and categorized according to "personalities" that I have met or known in the past.
next will then come the "feeding" of the system which is all the emotions, feelings and thoughts this kicks of.

It was soo fucking obvious as I was driving home. I saw the whole thing from beginning to end. So S t O P. No more automatic system "kick ins". I direct myself here within and as every breath.

This was cool though, it allows me to clearly see the systems so that I can deal with them accordingly.
Fascinating systematic behavior, and its so obvious.
SF to follow


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as soon as I meet another being as me that I havent seen with my human physical eyes I allow a program to run which judges and compares this being to other beings I have met in my past of which I have had relationship to or with or merely just seen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind create images of the beings I have not met in the physical dependant on what they sound like or how they express themselves in words although the manifestation the being is currently in is totally and utterly irrelevant to who that particular being really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop this programmed reactive habitual behavior when meeting another being in the physical or communicating with the being in any way - only mind desires wants and needs images and pictures, I am not limited to my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self aware when meeting another being as me in the physical for the first time instead of simply remaining here within and as breath and direct myself in the moment accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed any value in images and pictures - images and pictures which are not real but merely mind interpretations of what is really here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop this preprogrammed, habitual and reactive behavior but instead allowed myself to follow it and only notice what I was accepting after activating and running the program which is unacceptable - I stop immediately

I do not accept or allow any preprogrammed reactive, habitual behaviors of any kind.
I do not accept or allow myself to believe that it is possible to "not notice" a preprogrammed behavior start which is self deceptive and totally unacceptable - I see absolutely everything I allow and accept myself to be one and equal to in every moment - there are no excuses.
I stop. No more. I direct me in every moment of breath according to and as the principle of oneness and equality. Everything I do, every moment here I live as the principle of oneness and equality as all, and what supports and assist life as all as one in oneness and equality until all is here, amalgamated as life eternally.
No more separation. No more limitation. I stand. I walk in absolute self trust and stability here.

moments within

yesterday I was sitting in bed after writing sf. It was silent, the children were sleeping, and I was just sitting there enjoying myself within this silence. Breathing. The only sounds were breathing and the house creaking. As I sat there this joy welled up from within, it was just here, and I sat there merging with this joy, and I said to myself, wow! This is here always, its here, yet when I live within my mind, my head, I dont see it.  This joy is me, because it was all of me, it was in all of me and it was absolutely awesome. 

So then for me to have decided to live within my mind for all my life, has actually chosen the prison that it entails, because within my mind, everything is misery and pain and suffering, and I experience the occational up, but mostly it is down, a very sober, rather miserable existecence.

But within this joy that is here, all exist, I dont and cannot deny what is here, and its not rosy and peachy, but I see that this joy is me, and I suppose this joy is life itself. Because life just is, always have been and always will be, it is eternal and absolute, constant, stable, and cannot ever be harmed in any way, cannot go away, vanish, end. 

I am life, as all as one, and within that there is absolute self trust and self stability. Life can never fail, how can it, when life is all.

It gets easier to see what is real and what isnt. As I walk this process, I become the process. I live it, breathe it because its all me. And I become aware of my body, of everything within, every little movement , every little pain. I am learning to listen to my body, trust myself as my body.

My body will bring me right back here if I allow myself to "lose" myself in my mind, and I cannot deny that or suppress it because it is here and its real and its physical!

Cutting down the sweet intake hasnt been all that hard. No chocolate, no sweets, no icecream, and a lot more fruit. Also cut down radically the amount of coca cola which I have been addicted to. peeling of the addictions one by one. Increasing water intake

Experiencing some physical pain in my legs, muscles, a bit like when you have the flue or is about to get it, that strange pain that follows with that.

I am enjoying myself!

I just read Bs post in the open forum abour memories. And really, when you look at it, its all we have ever consisted of. All of the personality I have believed to be me is based on memory, and is "living" totally defined and constricted and limited to these memories.
Were I to remove, drop all memories, damn, it would be freedom. total and utter release from this illusionary belief of what self is.
And thoughts, are these not really memories? Most of the thoughts I have are certainly that, it is based on occurences in the past of which I use to then determine or imagine possible outcomes in the future. What a complete and utter fuck up!
Mind does believe it cannot possibly survive without its memory, because that is all that it consist of and thus it would die and then it attempts to generate fear to try to make you stay asleep and actually believe it is impossible to let go of your memories. There would be nothing to generate the energy with through memories, definitions, beliefs, opinions, feelings and emotions. It would be "empty". Silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted anda llowed myself to believe that the memories I have are valuable in any way because they determine my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe I need a personality to stay alive or to be functional within this reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my memories and my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myhself to actually believe that my personality is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to find comfort within my personality, it is "safe" because I am used to it, it is familiar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to and within my memory and within that created illusionary personality suits

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store moments as memories and believe them to be real, valuable and important

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without memories I could not possibly function

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it woudl not be practical to live without memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to find justifications and excuses to be able to hold on to my memories out of fear

I stop. I realize that I am not my memories and that I do not need or require any memories and personality suits. I cannot be limited to memories and personality suits, life cannot be limited or restricted in any way. I do not accept or allow any attempts of justification or excuses not to release and let go of all memories. Here is all there is. Within and as breath, as life as all as one in oneness and equality. With every breath I remain here. I die in every moment. Holdng on to nothing. Silent. Empty and self directive.

focusing on relATEiONshIps

as I was driving back alone last night I was looking at relationships again, and how I had lived my entire adult life according to the opinion I had created of how I wanted and desired relationships to be for them to be worthy, or for them to last.
And it was clear that all that I had placed within the concept or relationships was nothing but beliefs, opinions such as> absolute honesty, "real" affection, liking eachother, unconditionally accepting eachother, seeing and hearing eachother, respecting eachother, honoring eachother, supporting eachoter uncondtionally, and this idea, I find it difficult to place words on it to be able to explain it, but something like this> having a deep and sensere, REAL connection, wherein we understand eachoter, and value eachother, where there is this equality and a knowing that we are always there for eachoter no matter what, and this runs to the core of us and cannot be altered because it becomes us, and within that there is freedom to be and enjoy eachother unconditionally.
And as I was looking at this while driving, speaking out loud, talking to myself as I tend to do, I realized that not only is it obvious that I could never have found that relationship the way they are defined by human beings currently. What is also obvious that what I always considered being a "worthy" relationship, one there would be a point in entering was actually an agreement, because now, when i realize and understand what an agreement is, I see that this is what I would use as some form of "mold", where I attempted to fit in relationships of this world and that could ofcourse never work. Hence no relationship ever worked out.
And also, considering that even with a view on relationships as most human beings have, where they look for "good sex" or "affection" or "security" etc and then attempt to search for this other being to apparently fulfil these desires, most never even take into consideration that there must be as many different desires within relationships as there are opinions on this planet what are the odds for you actually finding what you desire? Zilch! Yet the search is always on and always end up in tears eventually. And at some point you will "lower" your standards not to feel alone, thinking that maybe they will change, maybe you can change them, but obviously this cannot happen, it is impossible.

Its strange how humans never stop and look at what they are doing. Why would I desire another being? That implies that somehow I am not complete, somehow I cannot function unless I have got another being here with me, who can tell me how wonderful I am , how great I am and constantly prove to me that I am worthy of existing, because if another wants to be in a relationship with me then clearly I must exist, clearly I am great, I am ok, Im likeable. How can that be real? Something that will only last for a while and then slowly wither and die. If it does not remain, as it was and always had been, it is not real.
Instead of seeing that when I like myself unconditionally, I do not need anyone else to like me, it would not affect me in any way.
when I love myself unconditionally I do not need or desire anyone elses love, I realize that I am complete.
when I am self intimate with me, absolutely and unconditionally I see that I do not desire or need intimacy with another in separation of me.
Humans constanly search for what is already here within. That is sad.

These last couple of days the agreement issue has been "resurfacing". I have had moments where I have absolutely dismissed it all, not wanting to even look at the possibility, but I see now precicely why I did this and I see that that was an opinion based on the relationships I have had, which ofcourse is nothing like an agreement.
I also managed to create a beLIEf that I wasnt ready for it, and that is curious, ready? not ready? what does that imply? that I am waiting, because I am scared shitless of facing ALL of me? Well, it cannot have been anything else. Because an agreement you are facing yourself head on in every breath, in every moment. Well, you are anyway all the time, but the assistance of another as you must force matters to the fore and asssit with seeing suppressions faster, avoiding certain unecessary loops.
If I am dedicated to myself and getting this done then I would not turn anything away that will assist with specificity and movement!
So I stop waiting for me, there is nothing to wait for since all is here. I work with what is here and what is practical in every moment. Simple!

opinions

opinions is based on conditionings throughout life, starting from being born and continuously loop around and evolve based on experienced memories, none of which are real but only experienced within as the personality the being believes itself to be accordingly.
So, what is opinion and what is real?

a few Opinions>
love - what is love? It is the opinion that you apparently need someone outside of yourself, in separation from yourself to provide you with whatever you believe yourself to lack in order for you to feel secure and complete. Creating a dependancy on a partner, and a need for one and so you will spend your life in continuous search for love and exist in constant fear of losing love. Getting lost in an opinion, an illusion that you are then limited to and by.
Family> Being taught and conditioned by society and forfathers that family is security, comfort and love. So with this conditioning you will search for love in order to create a family because you are now of the opinion that this is what is important in life and what is the foundation for all beings, to be within and as a family construct.
relationships> You are of the opinion that you require a relationship and to find "the one" to fall inlove with so that you can start a family
Friends> You have been conditioned and taught through family and school that friends are important because they can assit you in continuously validating your opinions by agreeing with you and thus you develop a need for and desire for friends. Your ego gets a boost, and thus, this validation of opinions becomes a drug, an addiction and so you fear not having any friends, because then, you are noone, your opinion is apparently not worth anything and that triggers fear

Opinions are beLIEfs. And you are of the opinion that beliefs are important because that makes you who you are, makes you an individual. In reality none of them are real. Its all you know though, because you have been stuffed with knowledge from the moment you opened your eyes by other systematic individuals who in turn have been stuffed with knowledge, beliefs and opinions. None of it is you, because you never had a chance to see you, to find out who you really are. You were not supported and assisted unconditionally to be who you are. You have been told who and how to be. You believe that you are living, that you are life, because you have opinions of what life apparently is.

So it takes courage to step out of the perceived safe but very limited existence. You are literally living a movie, of which you are totally out of control because you have totally forgotten what is real and what is not. So its mayhem, human beings being the robots that has gone mad, and who are only concerned abotu themselves and their needs, opinions and wants and desires. Totally separated from life as all as one in oneness and equality. The energy is running low though, it can only last for so long and the robots will shut down one by one.

When I look into me, all I see is opinions/beliefs. I consist of nothing else. Opinions based on opinions in a neverending loop. These opinions adn beliefs triggers emotions, thoughts, feelings, memories and so I apparently live my life, round and round and round, nothing ever changing.
Occationally rebooting the system, and upgrading the opinion/beliefsystem through sex. All the while suppressing it all, because if I am absolutely self honest, I see all this. The question each will have to ask though is do I dare to step out of this illusion? Do I dare to see who I really am and what I have actually allowed myself to do to life itself?
There cannot be a choice though, because life is life. Life itself can never be destroyed, it is and will always remain. And those who are not willing to step out of the box and dare to live, those are dead anyway, and in death you are no more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have opinions and actually believe that my opinions are valid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to beleive that opinions were real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my opinions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to beliefs and opinions, none of which are real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that without my opinions and beliefs I would not exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in my opinions because to me they were "sound" and "healthy" and made me a "good", "honest" and trustworthy person whom others would like and value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to illusions like opinions and beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind my opinions, beliefs as a personality suit to avoid facing myself and what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to abdicate myself to opinions and beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being someone, not having a personality, not being seen and not being heard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not existing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that anything of what I thought was me, my personality , my individuality was real and valid when it has been nothing but a self created illusion, my own little personal world and bubble in which I believed I was safe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to desire to feel and be safe, wanted, loved, seen, heard, validated to apaprently feel real and to feel alive and a part of society because without it I would apparently die

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I needed to live through a mind to actually live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way I coudl experience life itself was throught he physical and that while being inthe physical I needed the mind and thus abdicated myself to the mind, allowing myself to forget the truth of me which was fear

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let an illusion like fear limit myself in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life itself, from who and what I really am to apparently live such a limited and separated, painful existence

I stop. I do not allow or accept myself to exist within and as opinions. I am not limited to anything or anyone. I am limitless as life as all as one in oneness and equality.
Nothing exist but life here, within each and every breath. I let go of the illusion that I need, want, desire or require anything or anyone to be here, i do not. All is me, and all is here already.
there is nothing and noone to search for, there is nothing and noone in separation of me. All is here. I stop waiting. I stop.
I remain here. Constant, stable.

??

Today in the letterbox amongst all the other advertising was this bright red folded sheet of paper. The text on it was black, and I registred that it had lots of text on it when I noticed these words " jesus is coming" HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Yeah, I had a really good laugh. And yes, I have read these words lots of times during my life when some lost so called christians crossed my way, but this time, I mean, holy mo, how much can you delude yourself and stick your head in the sand. Humans are pathetic creations, walking around actually believing in fairytails and pretending that all is well, heck, the saviour is coming! hahahahahahahahah oh, the redicilousness of it all!!!!

I guess itll be a hard landing for some.

I have been enjoying the children and our every day life with all that entails. This is good practice in remaining here, not taking anything for granted and having as much fun as we can. Enjoying ourselves in the moment. Kids are great assistance because they are here, when playing they are the play, all or nothing. I laugh a lot more, more than I have ever done. Me and my youngest daughter laugh a lot together, at everything and nothing. Silly noises, funny noises, silly faces, dancing. She is the most joyous being I have ever met.

The children are and have taught me a lot about myself, I am grateful for their assistance!
"Why is it strange to dip your apple pieces in ketchup?" One of my sons enjoy this. "Its yummi mum!" lol
"Mummy I dont care that my sleaves are dirty because I wiped my moth on them. Why do I need a new jumper?"
"I want to jump on the bed because its fun!"
"I suck my thumb because its yummi and i wont stop until Im 115!"
"I scremed "willy" in the bus because it sounds funny and everyone else laughs"
Parents should drop their illusional "musts" that has been taught them by their parents, and of which most are conditionings "because oh, that is just not done, that is not considered acceptable".
See your kids. Be with them, and let go of your opinions. Use common sense, and realize that just because they are small doesnt mean that what they have to say is not valid or somehow less valid. See them and hear them. You will learn a lot! The children are one and equal to you. They are not your posession. They are not "yours". They are beings, full of laughter and joy, if only they are supported and assisted unconditionally for who they really are.