letting go

I just read Mattis post on forum, very cool realizations shared here regarding definitions and values put on self, the self we perceive us to be, and how letting go of all definitions, values must be done.

Its seem that what prevents me from being here, seeing what is here and what is real is the perceived resistance of letting go of anything and everything that defines me according to the mind, the life that was lived through my mind, which was not real but created within and as the mind as to seem real, when in fact it was separation and limitation.

As long as i keep holding on to this world that I believe to be real, the world I experience myself within and all teh beings within it, as long as a need is experienced to maintain and stay within this, I will be running around in the same old loop not seeing anything, not being able to self realize. Not giving myself the opportunity to self realize here will inevitably mean self removal, because systems are not life and are removed. So there is no choice. I am dead anyway, lol
So, I might as well let go of it all. Let go of the illusions that I am safe withing this experience I have created for myself this life, all that I know and that are familiar. All the experiences, preferences, wants, dreams, plans , all of it, there can be nothing and nobody that allow me to defines or "frames" myself, keeping myself bound and blind. Being here in every moment, I cannot be defined by any personality in any way and all that were allocated to this personality.

So why all the excuses when there are no excuses. If im not HERE, then clearly im still screwing around within and as my mind, using excuses of any kind to remain within and as it and stay the same. if im not here now, then clearly I must be using excuses and justifications as to why im not here ...yet.... and in that yet actually justifying the apparent waiting to self realize, waiting for myself when all is here and always have been.

and I know it is a process, but I see that this also can be used as justification to somehow allow for a backdoor to remain so that excuses can be justified and it is utterly unacceptable!

some title...

a while back I started or rather continued my blog on wordpress. Now Ive decided to continue here, with blogspot again. It doesn't really matter, what matters is that I use it, and so I continue to share the process of self realization here.

As I opened the blog today I also decided to go through the links of other beings sharing process, it was a while since, and I see that some has removed their blogs, some has changed quite a bit since I last looked, there was one that made me chuckle, a total u turn seems to have been made for him since last I read his blog, so I decided to remove him too.
There is no judgment within this, it is what it is. Some will decide to continue screwing around a bit more, as if the suffering hasn't quite compounded enough yet to be able to see anything or ask any serious questions and thus seem to believe they can remove themselves from process LOL
All is here anyway. And all will eventually stand here as all as one in oneness and equality.

I have been looking, and are still looking at the definitions I have placed upon myself as to who i have defined and believed myself to be. Within this I see that none of it was/is real. How can it be real, something that fluctuates, changes and molds itself according to its environment cannot be real. What would be real is stable, constant, here and does not exist within and as polarities of mind.
I found that the major personality suits and definition within this lifetime has been that of apparently being a woman and a mother. Within those (and many others) I have created an inner reality that gave me purpose within this life. Because I believed myself to have to have some kind of purpose to be able to live. Trapping and enslaving myself and limiting myself to the definition of apparently being a woman and a mother. It is a perfect little illusion where you constantly experience yourself in turmoil and self punishment. A self created illusionary hell that you actually believe to be real because you experience it within. Never actually stopping to ask yourself, but wtf, why??? WHY? do I allow this to exist within me? Why and how did I allow this to happen?
Well, I did ask those questions, and through this process i keep asking questions, seeing into me exactly what I have become by my own allowances.

For me, it was purpose. Prior to being aware of the process of self realization I simply could not find any meaning with life if I couldnt find a purpose within it. Now ofcourse I know and realize there simply is none. But this search for purpose so beautifully programmed in, led to a search of a personality suit that would provide this apparent purpose. Being a mother seemed to be the ultimate. So I became a mother. And I limitied and defined myself as a mother, and a damn good one too, I made sure that this was all my life was about, because within this the search and need for purpose was quenched, or so it seemed. I could busy myself with being a mother, neatly categorizing myself into this little folder where I felt safe, and could continue and live this life. Not ofcourse for one bloody minute actually seeing what is here, what is real and that all I was concerned about was me, not seeing the bigger picture, not realizing the total limitation and the continued self abuse and the effects on a bigger scale that this supported.

I have come to realize that it doesnt really matter what personality suit you take on, they are all attempts to hide, all attempts to feel safe, accepted, and live an "ok" life.
For me the mother matrix system, the personality suit of apparently being a mother with all the definitions this entail meant that yes, I had a "place" here. I could focus on this so that I didnt have to find answers to all the real questions, to all the serious heavy duty ones because of fear of actual answers and fear of taking self responsibility, and actually direct myself within this awareness here. So in believing that this limited personality suit as a mother was who I was, I accepted all the polarities, all the worries, the emotional turmoil, constant, are they okey, am I a good enough mother, are they safe, got to keep them safe, I love my children, I put them before all and everything, I cherish my children, I bleive my children to actually be my children, I fear losing my children, I fear for their welbeing, constantly and endlessly living withtin this inner turmoil of never being good enough, never being able to be in full control, never content, just a constant inner battle of polarities.

I see now. And now I face all these allowances. and I STOP!
A full stop. Breathe and see what is here, and forgive myself for all these allowances and acceptances. Gift myself to be unconditionally.

I cannot be limited in any way, to anything or anyone. I cannot allow or accept any limitation of self, of who and what i consist of and as. I cannot claim to be limited to being a mother, a woman, a human being, because I see myself one and equal to all there is. All manifestations and beings.
And within that there is no judgment, no comparison, no fear, no worry, no nothing. Just silence.

So, I stand here, removing these pesonality suits, seeing myself here, the real self. releasing all the layers, one by one through self forgiveness. Sometimes its tough, but I remain. I stand!!!!