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Saturday 19 April 2008

Sitting here, all alone, it´s midnight here and all is silent. Just the humming from the computers. Kids are asleep. I will soon be going to bed too, but then realized that I haven´t written anything in my blog for a few days, so why not write in it?!

I could play a bit on the guitar, I seem to want to pick it up all the time, and just play some. Ella says she prefers just to hear the guitar and not my singing (go figure lol) but I can see what she means. I always enjoyed listening to guitar playing without the vocals.
Jonathan says I suck anyway lol, although I have seen him enjoying it when he thinks i don´t notice. Ryan is ok with whatever, mr laid back as he is.
We went to this local playground today. It was such a nice spring day and we had some fun there. There was this wooden old see-saw that we all went on and giggled a lot. I managed to do some swinging as well. It´s nice to let the swing carry your weight for a moment and feel the air run through your hair and over your face. Everyone should swing at least once a week. This actually just reminded me of Bruce. L´s article regarding the swing and living in past and future.
Fitting since I am currently working on the past...

Life seems to be getting simpler though, as in i enjoy me within and as the simple things in life. There is upheaval and a lot of issues to sort out, but within, all is pretty cool. Even though my entire world as I know it has crumbled, there is silence within. I have issues still, to do with allowed feelings and memories regarding the current situation, but I am aware of them and I deal with them and I apply self forgiveness accordingly.

I will go and write some self forgiveness in bed now. Look at my day and whatever issue is at hand.

God natt!

Sunday 6 April 2008

?

At the moment I is going through a cold of sorts. I slept a lot and feel a bit better today.
Has been a very turbulent week, or perhaps months, but certainly culminated this week.
I have had to , and still face LOTS of fear issues and self trust issues. So - walking through every moment - no matter what and it´s painful and very strange - because I experience situations and moments I just never thought Id be able or ever wanted to go through.
So I surprise me sometimes - wow!! - did I say that???? Did I stand then - and actually did that???!
Still fall - get up - cry - walk - fall - bruised - bleeding - cry - stand up - walk! I push through this bastard of a system no matter what it takes. I stop! And I look self honestly within - and I apply self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other beings for judging me and not in that moment realize that I allow loops of judgement and that I is responsible for judgement and noone outside of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience judgement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible for anyone to manipulate me - that is impossible - only minds can be manipulated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others reactions to me and my words of expression in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with another being and in that moment not realize that it is MY frustration I am experiencing and not anything or anyone outside and separate to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lable certain beings as deceptive, false, liars, backstabbing, twofaced instead of realizing that these beigns are mirroring what exist inside me that I have yet to look at that I have accepted and allowed to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience any reaction within - who I really am is stable - constant - no movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about money and how to provide for me and the children

to be continued...