interactions

I have noticed something interesting within when facing beings in my world that is quite different towards how I used to experience myself and especially how others respond to me.
I used to be so shy, or rather hide behind the shyness. I used to feel extremely awkward around others, no matter who it was. Weird silences, looking for something to say, having contrived conversations about fuck all and saying stupid or irrelevant things. lol
So that each time I fucked up according to myself in those circumstances I only compunded it even more the next moment I was facing another being. So I used to dread meeting others, especially strangers. Wtf was there to talk about. I could never do that small talk, bullshit that others did about all and nothing. That was pretending, I couldnt do that and feel good about myself. And I hated myself enough as it was.

So beings tended to avoid me. I must have come across as very weird and "difficult". perhaps labelled as a bit spaced out and perhaps less bright then the average. And I was aware that this labelling was going on, but yet, felt I couldnt do anything about it, I couldnt see a way out of it. People were just talking bullshit, there was never any real communication, never any interesting productive outcome, I never felt that there was anything that would be worthy of any attention because it was all bullshit.

I always preferred to interact with people older than me. I felt a connection, and felt more comfortable because older beings tended to be more comfortable within themselves and had some life experience to draw upon. There was less bullshit, and maybe if I was lucky a conversation about stuff that mattered to me, life purpose, philosophies, life path, life experiences, sharing insights and finding new ones together. So the beings I opened up to, as much as I could open up were few and far between. Very few beings ever came "close" to me. I can count them on one hand. There was no room for bullshit, no time for babbeling crap, I never saw the point. Ofcourse I never realized I were as lost as the beigns i shunned and ofcourse talking as much bullshit as anyone lol

Beings didnt easily take a liking to be, I was always pretty dislikeable because I refused to be lulled into the bullshit and play along with the silly games. I was always the odd one out, in every way. Thre were moments i enjoyed this because it also served as a security blanket, I was left alone, and didnt have to play in those rediculous pretend social games.

As i have walked this process and continue to walk it I see and understand my behavior and I see the points and how and why I created this experience of me.
But I also notice that today I am at ease, not frightened, I dont fear others aproaching me and communicating with me and with this people approach me and open up very easily. It takes me by surprise still, the being will be there in a moment, and I experience myself stable, I speak what has to be said, and thats it. No awkwardnes anymore. No fear. Just moving about and whatever moment bring I deal with accordingly. I also noticed that the beings that do approach me seem so nice, so gentle lolol
The interaction and meetings with other beings is smooth these days, which is cool.

The other day I was approached by a lady that was a bit pissed of because she had a doctors appointment that day and the surgery had made a mistake and booked her in on a closed day. I explained this to her after walking out of the surgery having cleaned and she was just stood there all of a sudden infront of me. I calmy explained to her the situation and her anger diffused. She had taken the day of and driven quite a bit to get there, but her reaction was simply cool. She was actually smiling as she walked away to her car and we said good bye.

As I walk and accept myself, release the anger I have always carried and all my dislikes of myself that was always mirrored back to me, what is being mirrored back now is very different. its cool, I enjoy it. I enjoy me.

practicality

My brother rang yesterday. Just a keep in touch call, the ones that I never make, even though it is always "my turn". I sometimes get an email from mum saying, "Are you still alive???" lolol
Its just that, if I dont have anything specific to say, I dont see the reason to call. Simple really, but considered strange by many.
Anyway, the conversation also ended up on the subject of me not having "a man", he said something on the lines of "well, when you have got a man again" , to which I reply, nah, I am not looking for a man, I dont need or want or require a man. No, I will not enter a relationship again. No matter if it is a man, a woman or any other being. Not a relationship but an agreement, yes, maybe. I didnt develop this point though.

He is not the only one assuming that I cant take care of myself, because clearly that must be what he is thinking. A lot of beings around me huffing and puffing because I am a single mother, but it is all their assumptions. They have noe idea really of what it is like or how we are experiencing it all me and the kids. We are doing just fine. The funny thing is that even when married I was always single, because I was always enterily alone in everything, I did everything then just as I do now. The only difference is that I am rid of a malfunctioning relationship that was totally destuctive for all involved. So we are doing fine thank you very much. No need for anyones concern. We enjoy ourselves and get on with our lives. I have had assumptions and opinions like "ohh, but I understand if you are tired, your single and goodness me it must be tough sometimes" Bullshit. My life is not tough, things are as they are. I could make it tough be allowing myself to be within that particular mind set but why would I?? That would be extremely stupid and limiting and self deceptive.

An agreement would be practical though. Sharing this process called life experience with another one and equal. I would thoroughly enjoy the brutal self honesty, the no bullshit, straight to it, all open no secrets, very cool assistance! Besides, there is always something heavy around here that needs shifting, always something that needs mending, always points being suppressed. it would certainly speed things up a bit! lol

moving in the matrix

It has been an interesting week. Facing myself in all ways, always. I used to live as if I could take "brakes" from process, where I somehow perceived it to be something I could switch on and of. lolol Nope. Doesnt work like that. Within that I managed to create endless loops.

I have placed myself in situations where I would previously have done anything to "not go there", meeting strangers, having to be social, whatevever the fuck that means.
There is this immense stability though, where I will push myself and do whatever necessary, place myself wherever necessary and do what has to be done. The "core" of me is stable. Absolutely stable. And that is soooo cool. I know that whatever happens, whoever I meet, whatever anyone do or say, I still remain. I really do still remain. This stability is me.

So, the stability as me is here. Still self trust is not lived.
The following points revealed as I have expereinced this week>
1. Feeling "uncomfortable" around others. Feeling "out of place", sticking out. Literally as if you were picked up and placed on a different planet, where you are a totally different species and then to interact accordingly in this new environment. It is fascinating because it is such separation. Even if I wre on a different planet lol, then why would I be any different? Why is there a perception of not being one and equal no matter what. Ok, all are walking talking systems, totally alien to life, so am I somehow placing myself "above" others. Is there something still lurking with this. Why else would I experience alienation. Absolutely all is me, one and equal. All in exsistence. There is no difference. Now I face ALL of me, face all separation head on, face all the systems, and there are billions here!!!

2. Facing the mother matrix system within and as my mother. This was interesting. Every time we meet I see clearer what she is doing and why she is experiencing her the way she does.
She feels safe within her fears. She have created a world in which she is in constant physical and mental pain so that she can feel alive, feel as if she exists. Because she never could get the validation that she exist she will validate it through pain because of no self worth. This has become her entire life experience, to the extent she fears letting go of her self created hell and so will hold on for dear life. Refuse to see that SHE is responsible for it all , noone and nothing else.
I can see she is totally fucked within this. All I can do is remain here, stable, and assist if and when she directly comes to me. The solution is herself, its right here under her nose, but she refuse to see.

3.Images. Images I m ages. This is a point that is here , and that I still havent released. The obsessions with pictures, picture presentations. And its funny, because I have proved to myself that they are not real , I KNOW that its my minds interpretation of a reflection, within and as this reality, and still I somehow value that. That is an addiction. I have been addicted to my mind imagery for all my existence. And I have believed that it is a correct representation of life itself, the way it is. The images holds no value, all values are opinions and beliefs, made in separation. How can an image of any kind be valid or valued when its an idea. It is created within and as my mind through my eyes, and not constant, not something that will stand the test of time, so it cannot be real. How can any value or importance be placed in an illusion?! That is rediculous.

So, I got some "material" to work with here. A lot os self forgiveness points.

me as the body

i used to be concerned and conscious about how I look, like so many, obsessed with the image of myself and the constant self judgment, self comparison and self loathing cycles this entailed. I was never good enough, never thin enough, never pretty enough, never funny enough, never interesting enough, never cool enough, never acceptable enough, never enough. This self destructive mode used to be an excellent method of denial and hiding from what matters and what is real - my allowed separation from life and the consequences thereof.

Until I realized this> I am life, as all as one in oneness and equality. A being incarnated into this human physical body for the duration of this life experience - nothing more nothing less. Any defintion made onto this human physical body is separation and self dishonesty because the physical body is the physical body, a physical body in the physical - thats it. Simple!
Why allow mind to run any programme that complicates, separates, compares, judges, places opinions on what is here, when this program is a program - not real. Why would I allow any of such limitation and separation?!! Why would life itself want or desire to limit itself? That is absurd.
Here is here, it doesnt need to be defined. I liberate myself from an imagined prison within and as mind of beliefs, opinions, ideas, perceptions of the human physical body. Unconditional self acceptance as life here, wlking the physical, experiencing the physical and re membering who i am as life, as all in onenes and equality. it doesnt get cooler then that! lol