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Friday 20 February 2009

interactions

I have noticed something interesting within when facing beings in my world that is quite different towards how I used to experience myself and especially how others respond to me.
I used to be so shy, or rather hide behind the shyness. I used to feel extremely awkward around others, no matter who it was. Weird silences, looking for something to say, having contrived conversations about fuck all and saying stupid or irrelevant things. lol
So that each time I fucked up according to myself in those circumstances I only compunded it even more the next moment I was facing another being. So I used to dread meeting others, especially strangers. Wtf was there to talk about. I could never do that small talk, bullshit that others did about all and nothing. That was pretending, I couldnt do that and feel good about myself. And I hated myself enough as it was.

So beings tended to avoid me. I must have come across as very weird and "difficult". perhaps labelled as a bit spaced out and perhaps less bright then the average. And I was aware that this labelling was going on, but yet, felt I couldnt do anything about it, I couldnt see a way out of it. People were just talking bullshit, there was never any real communication, never any interesting productive outcome, I never felt that there was anything that would be worthy of any attention because it was all bullshit.

I always preferred to interact with people older than me. I felt a connection, and felt more comfortable because older beings tended to be more comfortable within themselves and had some life experience to draw upon. There was less bullshit, and maybe if I was lucky a conversation about stuff that mattered to me, life purpose, philosophies, life path, life experiences, sharing insights and finding new ones together. So the beings I opened up to, as much as I could open up were few and far between. Very few beings ever came "close" to me. I can count them on one hand. There was no room for bullshit, no time for babbeling crap, I never saw the point. Ofcourse I never realized I were as lost as the beigns i shunned and ofcourse talking as much bullshit as anyone lol

Beings didnt easily take a liking to be, I was always pretty dislikeable because I refused to be lulled into the bullshit and play along with the silly games. I was always the odd one out, in every way. Thre were moments i enjoyed this because it also served as a security blanket, I was left alone, and didnt have to play in those rediculous pretend social games.

As i have walked this process and continue to walk it I see and understand my behavior and I see the points and how and why I created this experience of me.
But I also notice that today I am at ease, not frightened, I dont fear others aproaching me and communicating with me and with this people approach me and open up very easily. It takes me by surprise still, the being will be there in a moment, and I experience myself stable, I speak what has to be said, and thats it. No awkwardnes anymore. No fear. Just moving about and whatever moment bring I deal with accordingly. I also noticed that the beings that do approach me seem so nice, so gentle lolol
The interaction and meetings with other beings is smooth these days, which is cool.

The other day I was approached by a lady that was a bit pissed of because she had a doctors appointment that day and the surgery had made a mistake and booked her in on a closed day. I explained this to her after walking out of the surgery having cleaned and she was just stood there all of a sudden infront of me. I calmy explained to her the situation and her anger diffused. She had taken the day of and driven quite a bit to get there, but her reaction was simply cool. She was actually smiling as she walked away to her car and we said good bye.

As I walk and accept myself, release the anger I have always carried and all my dislikes of myself that was always mirrored back to me, what is being mirrored back now is very different. its cool, I enjoy it. I enjoy me.

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