I just read Bs post in the open forum abour memories. And really, when you look at it, its all we have ever consisted of. All of the personality I have believed to be me is based on memory, and is "living" totally defined and constricted and limited to these memories.
Were I to remove, drop all memories, damn, it would be freedom. total and utter release from this illusionary belief of what self is.
And thoughts, are these not really memories? Most of the thoughts I have are certainly that, it is based on occurences in the past of which I use to then determine or imagine possible outcomes in the future. What a complete and utter fuck up!
Mind does believe it cannot possibly survive without its memory, because that is all that it consist of and thus it would die and then it attempts to generate fear to try to make you stay asleep and actually believe it is impossible to let go of your memories. There would be nothing to generate the energy with through memories, definitions, beliefs, opinions, feelings and emotions. It would be "empty". Silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted anda llowed myself to believe that the memories I have are valuable in any way because they determine my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe I need a personality to stay alive or to be functional within this reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my memories and my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myhself to actually believe that my personality is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to find comfort within my personality, it is "safe" because I am used to it, it is familiar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to and within my memory and within that created illusionary personality suits

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store moments as memories and believe them to be real, valuable and important

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without memories I could not possibly function

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it woudl not be practical to live without memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to find justifications and excuses to be able to hold on to my memories out of fear

I stop. I realize that I am not my memories and that I do not need or require any memories and personality suits. I cannot be limited to memories and personality suits, life cannot be limited or restricted in any way. I do not accept or allow any attempts of justification or excuses not to release and let go of all memories. Here is all there is. Within and as breath, as life as all as one in oneness and equality. With every breath I remain here. I die in every moment. Holdng on to nothing. Silent. Empty and self directive.

focusing on relATEiONshIps

as I was driving back alone last night I was looking at relationships again, and how I had lived my entire adult life according to the opinion I had created of how I wanted and desired relationships to be for them to be worthy, or for them to last.
And it was clear that all that I had placed within the concept or relationships was nothing but beliefs, opinions such as> absolute honesty, "real" affection, liking eachother, unconditionally accepting eachother, seeing and hearing eachother, respecting eachother, honoring eachother, supporting eachoter uncondtionally, and this idea, I find it difficult to place words on it to be able to explain it, but something like this> having a deep and sensere, REAL connection, wherein we understand eachoter, and value eachother, where there is this equality and a knowing that we are always there for eachoter no matter what, and this runs to the core of us and cannot be altered because it becomes us, and within that there is freedom to be and enjoy eachother unconditionally.
And as I was looking at this while driving, speaking out loud, talking to myself as I tend to do, I realized that not only is it obvious that I could never have found that relationship the way they are defined by human beings currently. What is also obvious that what I always considered being a "worthy" relationship, one there would be a point in entering was actually an agreement, because now, when i realize and understand what an agreement is, I see that this is what I would use as some form of "mold", where I attempted to fit in relationships of this world and that could ofcourse never work. Hence no relationship ever worked out.
And also, considering that even with a view on relationships as most human beings have, where they look for "good sex" or "affection" or "security" etc and then attempt to search for this other being to apparently fulfil these desires, most never even take into consideration that there must be as many different desires within relationships as there are opinions on this planet what are the odds for you actually finding what you desire? Zilch! Yet the search is always on and always end up in tears eventually. And at some point you will "lower" your standards not to feel alone, thinking that maybe they will change, maybe you can change them, but obviously this cannot happen, it is impossible.

Its strange how humans never stop and look at what they are doing. Why would I desire another being? That implies that somehow I am not complete, somehow I cannot function unless I have got another being here with me, who can tell me how wonderful I am , how great I am and constantly prove to me that I am worthy of existing, because if another wants to be in a relationship with me then clearly I must exist, clearly I am great, I am ok, Im likeable. How can that be real? Something that will only last for a while and then slowly wither and die. If it does not remain, as it was and always had been, it is not real.
Instead of seeing that when I like myself unconditionally, I do not need anyone else to like me, it would not affect me in any way.
when I love myself unconditionally I do not need or desire anyone elses love, I realize that I am complete.
when I am self intimate with me, absolutely and unconditionally I see that I do not desire or need intimacy with another in separation of me.
Humans constanly search for what is already here within. That is sad.

These last couple of days the agreement issue has been "resurfacing". I have had moments where I have absolutely dismissed it all, not wanting to even look at the possibility, but I see now precicely why I did this and I see that that was an opinion based on the relationships I have had, which ofcourse is nothing like an agreement.
I also managed to create a beLIEf that I wasnt ready for it, and that is curious, ready? not ready? what does that imply? that I am waiting, because I am scared shitless of facing ALL of me? Well, it cannot have been anything else. Because an agreement you are facing yourself head on in every breath, in every moment. Well, you are anyway all the time, but the assistance of another as you must force matters to the fore and asssit with seeing suppressions faster, avoiding certain unecessary loops.
If I am dedicated to myself and getting this done then I would not turn anything away that will assist with specificity and movement!
So I stop waiting for me, there is nothing to wait for since all is here. I work with what is here and what is practical in every moment. Simple!

opinions

opinions is based on conditionings throughout life, starting from being born and continuously loop around and evolve based on experienced memories, none of which are real but only experienced within as the personality the being believes itself to be accordingly.
So, what is opinion and what is real?

a few Opinions>
love - what is love? It is the opinion that you apparently need someone outside of yourself, in separation from yourself to provide you with whatever you believe yourself to lack in order for you to feel secure and complete. Creating a dependancy on a partner, and a need for one and so you will spend your life in continuous search for love and exist in constant fear of losing love. Getting lost in an opinion, an illusion that you are then limited to and by.
Family> Being taught and conditioned by society and forfathers that family is security, comfort and love. So with this conditioning you will search for love in order to create a family because you are now of the opinion that this is what is important in life and what is the foundation for all beings, to be within and as a family construct.
relationships> You are of the opinion that you require a relationship and to find "the one" to fall inlove with so that you can start a family
Friends> You have been conditioned and taught through family and school that friends are important because they can assit you in continuously validating your opinions by agreeing with you and thus you develop a need for and desire for friends. Your ego gets a boost, and thus, this validation of opinions becomes a drug, an addiction and so you fear not having any friends, because then, you are noone, your opinion is apparently not worth anything and that triggers fear

Opinions are beLIEfs. And you are of the opinion that beliefs are important because that makes you who you are, makes you an individual. In reality none of them are real. Its all you know though, because you have been stuffed with knowledge from the moment you opened your eyes by other systematic individuals who in turn have been stuffed with knowledge, beliefs and opinions. None of it is you, because you never had a chance to see you, to find out who you really are. You were not supported and assisted unconditionally to be who you are. You have been told who and how to be. You believe that you are living, that you are life, because you have opinions of what life apparently is.

So it takes courage to step out of the perceived safe but very limited existence. You are literally living a movie, of which you are totally out of control because you have totally forgotten what is real and what is not. So its mayhem, human beings being the robots that has gone mad, and who are only concerned abotu themselves and their needs, opinions and wants and desires. Totally separated from life as all as one in oneness and equality. The energy is running low though, it can only last for so long and the robots will shut down one by one.

When I look into me, all I see is opinions/beliefs. I consist of nothing else. Opinions based on opinions in a neverending loop. These opinions adn beliefs triggers emotions, thoughts, feelings, memories and so I apparently live my life, round and round and round, nothing ever changing.
Occationally rebooting the system, and upgrading the opinion/beliefsystem through sex. All the while suppressing it all, because if I am absolutely self honest, I see all this. The question each will have to ask though is do I dare to step out of this illusion? Do I dare to see who I really am and what I have actually allowed myself to do to life itself?
There cannot be a choice though, because life is life. Life itself can never be destroyed, it is and will always remain. And those who are not willing to step out of the box and dare to live, those are dead anyway, and in death you are no more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have opinions and actually believe that my opinions are valid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to beleive that opinions were real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my opinions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to beliefs and opinions, none of which are real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that without my opinions and beliefs I would not exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in my opinions because to me they were "sound" and "healthy" and made me a "good", "honest" and trustworthy person whom others would like and value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to illusions like opinions and beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind my opinions, beliefs as a personality suit to avoid facing myself and what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to abdicate myself to opinions and beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being someone, not having a personality, not being seen and not being heard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not existing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that anything of what I thought was me, my personality , my individuality was real and valid when it has been nothing but a self created illusion, my own little personal world and bubble in which I believed I was safe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to desire to feel and be safe, wanted, loved, seen, heard, validated to apaprently feel real and to feel alive and a part of society because without it I would apparently die

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I needed to live through a mind to actually live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way I coudl experience life itself was throught he physical and that while being inthe physical I needed the mind and thus abdicated myself to the mind, allowing myself to forget the truth of me which was fear

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let an illusion like fear limit myself in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life itself, from who and what I really am to apparently live such a limited and separated, painful existence

I stop. I do not allow or accept myself to exist within and as opinions. I am not limited to anything or anyone. I am limitless as life as all as one in oneness and equality.
Nothing exist but life here, within each and every breath. I let go of the illusion that I need, want, desire or require anything or anyone to be here, i do not. All is me, and all is here already.
there is nothing and noone to search for, there is nothing and noone in separation of me. All is here. I stop waiting. I stop.
I remain here. Constant, stable.

??

Today in the letterbox amongst all the other advertising was this bright red folded sheet of paper. The text on it was black, and I registred that it had lots of text on it when I noticed these words " jesus is coming" HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Yeah, I had a really good laugh. And yes, I have read these words lots of times during my life when some lost so called christians crossed my way, but this time, I mean, holy mo, how much can you delude yourself and stick your head in the sand. Humans are pathetic creations, walking around actually believing in fairytails and pretending that all is well, heck, the saviour is coming! hahahahahahahahah oh, the redicilousness of it all!!!!

I guess itll be a hard landing for some.

I have been enjoying the children and our every day life with all that entails. This is good practice in remaining here, not taking anything for granted and having as much fun as we can. Enjoying ourselves in the moment. Kids are great assistance because they are here, when playing they are the play, all or nothing. I laugh a lot more, more than I have ever done. Me and my youngest daughter laugh a lot together, at everything and nothing. Silly noises, funny noises, silly faces, dancing. She is the most joyous being I have ever met.

The children are and have taught me a lot about myself, I am grateful for their assistance!
"Why is it strange to dip your apple pieces in ketchup?" One of my sons enjoy this. "Its yummi mum!" lol
"Mummy I dont care that my sleaves are dirty because I wiped my moth on them. Why do I need a new jumper?"
"I want to jump on the bed because its fun!"
"I suck my thumb because its yummi and i wont stop until Im 115!"
"I scremed "willy" in the bus because it sounds funny and everyone else laughs"
Parents should drop their illusional "musts" that has been taught them by their parents, and of which most are conditionings "because oh, that is just not done, that is not considered acceptable".
See your kids. Be with them, and let go of your opinions. Use common sense, and realize that just because they are small doesnt mean that what they have to say is not valid or somehow less valid. See them and hear them. You will learn a lot! The children are one and equal to you. They are not your posession. They are not "yours". They are beings, full of laughter and joy, if only they are supported and assisted unconditionally for who they really are.

Definitions relationships

I am looking at how I have defined relationships within my life. I am looking at what shaped these definitions, what events shaped and formed my idea of what a relationship apparently is or seem to be and then based ALL my relationships in my life experience upon these events or event triggered definitions in my life.

It seems clear now that I have defined relationships based upon the relationships within the family i grew up in and the experiences I had with friends in school.

When looking at the relationships that has affected me most in my life it has been the daughter-father relationship, ,but also the everyday "family life" I experienced with events within this that had such an impact on me that they shaped my entire idea of relationships, in particular towards men in my life.

I didnt at that point understand or realize that what my father expressed or did had nothing to do with me but all to do with him and his allowances. As a child I started of blaming myself, I must be the cause, I must deserve this, only later to pass all the blame onto him, it was all his fault, he had ruined my childhood, he had ruined the family, he had ruined my life, etc.
Subconsciously I then equated that since he was the first male rolemodel in my life, this is the only male early in my life that represents what males are and stand for, so i then made the equation that this is what all men must be like, or even worse, this is what a man apparently should be like.

I hated the guts of him, I loathed him, I begged for the fucker to dieeee a long slow death, I wanted him out of my life and everyone elses, I wanted never ever to see or talk to him again, because he was the cause for all the misery, all the fear, that he had projected unto us, and I hated him because I didnt deserve this, I didnt ask to be bloody born, if I had done I would have made sure to NEVER chose a father like that, lol
Also at the same time hoping, wanting and desiring him to just take care of me, accept me unconditionally and love me.

I see now that I took his behaviour, his words and actions personally. I see now that it had nothing to do with me. It was his personal demonic battle within himself, but he didnt see this, he didnt realize that he was responsible for himself, and if he did, it scared the shit out of him and he suppressed it. I also see now that having such a father has assisted me immensly. Maybe I would not be where I am now, facing these points, and now actually realizing what gifts there are in these experiences.
For the first time in my existence I have an opportunity to release myself from these constructs and see who I really am.

I also realize that I hid all my own fears, and all my own suppressions behind him. Since he was being the devil, all the shit that was going on inside of me, the fears, the worry, all the questions, i could suppress just a little bit longer, not having to face myself or take self responsability. This ofcourse can only last for so long, until you compound it so much that the bubble birsts, or you live through you allowances, your manifested allowances to see what you are doing and simply stop when youve had enough of it. The living through not being necessary if you allow yourself to see, in self honesty and forgive yourself unconditionally for it all and then practically walk the changes. Prove to yourself that you see the point, you understand and realize what is real and what is not.

As a child I looked upon my parents as superiour, in particular my father. I actually believed that I deserved all i experienced from him, the lack of affection, love, care. I began to believe that being hit, screamed at and apparently loathed, taken for granted and pushed around was ok, and the way it simply was. Looking at my father as the bad one and my mother as the good one, the comfort, the saviour, the safe haven if all went to hell.
I see now the polarity play out here, between good and bad. between love and hate, between fear and safety/contentment. And I also see that my believing that I was not worthy to be loved, that I was inferiour to the male actually paved my way with relationships to men in my life, projecting the inferiority which would ofcourse attract the superiority male to balance itself out.
And I see now how it all worked, I see the equation behind it all. I allowed each and every single experience in my life because I created it all through my beliefs and thoughts. I manifested my experience of me, there is absolutely noone I can blame. That is a shockign realization, because then I realize that I, and only I am responsible for myself, and what I allow myself to be one and equal to and thus manifest in my life!
And then I go duh!!!! how come I never saw this. This is common sense.
There is no point in beating myself up over not seeing it "earlier", what matters is here. What matters is that I realize it, now I have to live it. Live the change, and actually stop this whole manifested loop and actually change my experience of myself here.

I also realized that early on in my childhood we moved around a lot. I never had an opportunity to make friends, because I knew we would not stay that long, or i feared we would have to leave again. So I was a loner. Building this invisible wall around me to protect myself, not letting anyone in or too close. The few i did let in turned out to be liars, letting me down, turning on me, leaving me, using me, which only compunded it all. So, friends were not to be trusted. Friends are superficial, and selfish, and there is simply noone on this planet you can trust but yourself! So, I was my own best friend. All of this also projected in the desire to meet a man to share it all with, who i could simply share all of me with, this actually keeping the polarity of ,on the one hand desiring a relationship and on the other hand resenting it, avoiding it. If i believe noone can be trusted, how will I then experience a relationship? What do I project that will seek to balance itself out if not deceit, the very thing I fear. lol
And so I would run around for most in my life, keeping myself very busy indeed being miserable, for no reason at all really. Well i see now why this was in place, and for what purpose this loop would be maintained within this contructed so called reality.

Self forgiveness on these realizations to follow.

human body

all this life I have looked in the mirror and gone, jeezz, that cannot be me!! No way. lol
Because I for all my life separated myself from what I saw in the mirror. it made no sense, beccause it didnt "feel" like me at all. It was like the experience of me was not at all what the image told me. It was, is just an image anyway. What is real and what is not?! This separation, because clearly it was nothing but another separation, not seeing that yes, this is indeed just an image, and this is not at all all that I consist of, this is not a statement of me, its a physical body, but I am not limited to that, even though I spent most of my life thinkig I was. And also not to judge it. It is what it is. I see this, but actually living these words is a process. Or is that an excuse not to simply release it now?!!! Yes, actually it is. Because why can I not just let go of all these definitions, ideas, past memories and all the shit I have carried willingly all my life? Why would I want to contnie this suffering?

I never considered myself to be concerned or give a shit about beauty, but I see now that this was just denial. I always considered beings who had a "normal" weight to be "preferable". this is so common, and is not only inherited through family ties but also a constant brainwashing from a very early age through school, media etc. Well, perhaps not so much other beings, but more so myself. I was always very skinny, and could eat a lot and never gain anything. And I was content with the physical body then, I could accept living in it lol. But after having kids, it all changed. And I got fatter and fatter. All of a sudden I was in my eyes totally unacceptable and the image in that mirror just got even more separated from myself. I see now only compounding so that I will be able to see and release this once and for all.

I have also experienced interesting points regarding relationships and body weight. because ofcourse, we are constantly told that thin is sexy, thin is cool, thin is "normal", so when you appear to be "outside" of that frame you in a way dont exist and when I experienced this, some intresting things happened, on the one hand I was relieved because this would mean no attention from men what so ever, at least not as much as you would get being thinner, but then also a disgust that I "let myself go", and that I simply dont enjoy this extra padding, it is impractical and its in the way. Subconsciously I probably manifested this also due to my ex, because he never like fat women, so hence, I became fat lol.

ofcourse, fat, thin, long, short , small. It doesnt matter at all. And i KNOW ,though knowing is just knowing, living it is what matters because then I show to myself absolutely that I cannot be, and never was defined by any certain look, by being thin or fat, by anything. I accept myself and I love myself unconditionally. I see and I realize that the image I see is not me, it is me in the physical, it is my physical presentation here now in this moment. But yet I am not defined by it or limited to it. For a moment here this is my physical presentation, and it just is. If there are any judgments, definitions, reactions, thoughts, feelings towards or by it then that is something that needs looking at and require releasing by the being experiencing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by and limited to my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my physical body is limiting me

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body, not seeing that I am one and equal to all manifestations in existence

I forgive myself that I have acceptd and allowed myself to judge the human ohysical body in general and my physical body in particular

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a body should look in a certain way to apparently be accepted and "normal"

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself to consider thin beigns more attractive than fat beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, the physical image of me as not good enough, not pretty enough, not attractive enough, simply not enough

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my human physical body for granted

i forgive myslef that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed ploarity constructs such as good-bad, attractive-ugly, thin-fat instead of seeing and realizing the self deception and separation within this and simply stop

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself compare other human bodies against eachother

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for my phyical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself ugly and unimportant and uninteresting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to haet myself and the physical image of myself simply becaise I separated myself from myself to the extent I cannot relate to the image I see in the mirror

I forgive myself thta i have accepted and allowed msydelf to believe that the image i see in the mirror is really me and all that there is of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put any importance or have any reactions within towards a picture presentation

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experiece any thoughts, feelings, emotions or memories

I see and realize that I am not and cannot be limited to a picture presentation of my human physical body

I see myself as one and equal to all manifestations in existence

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I am one and equal to how and what I experience here and that all is specific so that I will be able to see and realize and let go, transcend them and assist myself here within process of self realization

I unconditionally let go of all my conditionings regarding "normality" and all pre programmed reactions towards anything or anyone
I do not accept or allow me to experience any reactions within.
I remain here stable and self directive in every moment of every breath.
I stand. I walk.

letting go

I just read Mattis post on forum, very cool realizations shared here regarding definitions and values put on self, the self we perceive us to be, and how letting go of all definitions, values must be done.

Its seem that what prevents me from being here, seeing what is here and what is real is the perceived resistance of letting go of anything and everything that defines me according to the mind, the life that was lived through my mind, which was not real but created within and as the mind as to seem real, when in fact it was separation and limitation.

As long as i keep holding on to this world that I believe to be real, the world I experience myself within and all teh beings within it, as long as a need is experienced to maintain and stay within this, I will be running around in the same old loop not seeing anything, not being able to self realize. Not giving myself the opportunity to self realize here will inevitably mean self removal, because systems are not life and are removed. So there is no choice. I am dead anyway, lol
So, I might as well let go of it all. Let go of the illusions that I am safe withing this experience I have created for myself this life, all that I know and that are familiar. All the experiences, preferences, wants, dreams, plans , all of it, there can be nothing and nobody that allow me to defines or "frames" myself, keeping myself bound and blind. Being here in every moment, I cannot be defined by any personality in any way and all that were allocated to this personality.

So why all the excuses when there are no excuses. If im not HERE, then clearly im still screwing around within and as my mind, using excuses of any kind to remain within and as it and stay the same. if im not here now, then clearly I must be using excuses and justifications as to why im not here ...yet.... and in that yet actually justifying the apparent waiting to self realize, waiting for myself when all is here and always have been.

and I know it is a process, but I see that this also can be used as justification to somehow allow for a backdoor to remain so that excuses can be justified and it is utterly unacceptable!

some title...

a while back I started or rather continued my blog on wordpress. Now Ive decided to continue here, with blogspot again. It doesn't really matter, what matters is that I use it, and so I continue to share the process of self realization here.

As I opened the blog today I also decided to go through the links of other beings sharing process, it was a while since, and I see that some has removed their blogs, some has changed quite a bit since I last looked, there was one that made me chuckle, a total u turn seems to have been made for him since last I read his blog, so I decided to remove him too.
There is no judgment within this, it is what it is. Some will decide to continue screwing around a bit more, as if the suffering hasn't quite compounded enough yet to be able to see anything or ask any serious questions and thus seem to believe they can remove themselves from process LOL
All is here anyway. And all will eventually stand here as all as one in oneness and equality.

I have been looking, and are still looking at the definitions I have placed upon myself as to who i have defined and believed myself to be. Within this I see that none of it was/is real. How can it be real, something that fluctuates, changes and molds itself according to its environment cannot be real. What would be real is stable, constant, here and does not exist within and as polarities of mind.
I found that the major personality suits and definition within this lifetime has been that of apparently being a woman and a mother. Within those (and many others) I have created an inner reality that gave me purpose within this life. Because I believed myself to have to have some kind of purpose to be able to live. Trapping and enslaving myself and limiting myself to the definition of apparently being a woman and a mother. It is a perfect little illusion where you constantly experience yourself in turmoil and self punishment. A self created illusionary hell that you actually believe to be real because you experience it within. Never actually stopping to ask yourself, but wtf, why??? WHY? do I allow this to exist within me? Why and how did I allow this to happen?
Well, I did ask those questions, and through this process i keep asking questions, seeing into me exactly what I have become by my own allowances.

For me, it was purpose. Prior to being aware of the process of self realization I simply could not find any meaning with life if I couldnt find a purpose within it. Now ofcourse I know and realize there simply is none. But this search for purpose so beautifully programmed in, led to a search of a personality suit that would provide this apparent purpose. Being a mother seemed to be the ultimate. So I became a mother. And I limitied and defined myself as a mother, and a damn good one too, I made sure that this was all my life was about, because within this the search and need for purpose was quenched, or so it seemed. I could busy myself with being a mother, neatly categorizing myself into this little folder where I felt safe, and could continue and live this life. Not ofcourse for one bloody minute actually seeing what is here, what is real and that all I was concerned about was me, not seeing the bigger picture, not realizing the total limitation and the continued self abuse and the effects on a bigger scale that this supported.

I have come to realize that it doesnt really matter what personality suit you take on, they are all attempts to hide, all attempts to feel safe, accepted, and live an "ok" life.
For me the mother matrix system, the personality suit of apparently being a mother with all the definitions this entail meant that yes, I had a "place" here. I could focus on this so that I didnt have to find answers to all the real questions, to all the serious heavy duty ones because of fear of actual answers and fear of taking self responsibility, and actually direct myself within this awareness here. So in believing that this limited personality suit as a mother was who I was, I accepted all the polarities, all the worries, the emotional turmoil, constant, are they okey, am I a good enough mother, are they safe, got to keep them safe, I love my children, I put them before all and everything, I cherish my children, I bleive my children to actually be my children, I fear losing my children, I fear for their welbeing, constantly and endlessly living withtin this inner turmoil of never being good enough, never being able to be in full control, never content, just a constant inner battle of polarities.

I see now. And now I face all these allowances. and I STOP!
A full stop. Breathe and see what is here, and forgive myself for all these allowances and acceptances. Gift myself to be unconditionally.

I cannot be limited in any way, to anything or anyone. I cannot allow or accept any limitation of self, of who and what i consist of and as. I cannot claim to be limited to being a mother, a woman, a human being, because I see myself one and equal to all there is. All manifestations and beings.
And within that there is no judgment, no comparison, no fear, no worry, no nothing. Just silence.

So, I stand here, removing these pesonality suits, seeing myself here, the real self. releasing all the layers, one by one through self forgiveness. Sometimes its tough, but I remain. I stand!!!!

http://equalandone.wordpress.com/

more SF on father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my father hated me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn the father I never had

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to realize that a father is a mind consciousness system placement within and as a being and not who that being really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I missed out on something by not having a father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness for apparently not having a father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a perception and a definition of what a father should be like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my fathers behaviour instead of realizing that this was his programming and not who he really was

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe and despise the traits and similarities in me that I downloaded from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate mysefl from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for all the shit that has happened in my life instead of realizing that that is self deception and a way to try and run from facing myself and taking full responsibility for myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become - I am responsible for me in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to be grateful for my fathers placement in my life because it was specific and assisted me in facing aspects of me and my allowances so that I can stand absolute in self honesty and self trust and realize who i really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear

I am stability- solid - no matter what stable. With that fear does not exist. I am HERE.
The experience of this stability is absolute. It is absolutely absolute. My foundation that cannot brake, that cannot crack, that cannot change, that cannot vanish. It is me, who I am.

Now, I have experiecend this at other stages withinthis process. And for the last couple of days I experienced it again. When I allow me to just be, within self trust, is when I am stability.
Ofcourse I always am, I just dont always realize it.

I dreamt last night, but even though the dream was clear as I woke up this morning, I cant really recall it now. I do recall noticing and observing myself in the dream though, as I do all the time within process when awake, and that was the first time I actually noticed that in a dream.
So, the next step will be to actually apply self forgiveness as I do awake in the dream too, immediately and specifically.

I have also noticed a change in my approach to the chat on the forum. There is not much to say.
There is very little going on so I am simply silent. I just observe me, and see if there are any reactions, and I´ll apply sf accordingly. So the next step would be to vlog.
It feels a natural step to take - and a brilliant opportunity to observe myself and my behaviors.
I am purifying it all- amalgamating with it all - until I am all one and equal to all and everything within existence.

The number of times I have sat down now infront of this blog in the last week and not had any clue what to write are numerous.

So, clearly some points within that needs dealing with.

Firstly there was this thought;: Ok - shit - I HAVE to keep writing in my blog, because any resistance of doing so or just the lack of self dicipline if not doing it is telling me I´m allowing my mind to yet again direct me instead of ME directing me.

If words does not flow unconditionally from me as me - then clearly I´d have to look at that point within and direct me accordingly.

I have been procrastinating a lot lately. And it is inexusable. And noone can do this for me - I have to walk through it all - all alone.

The very fact that I am not at this moment in time living in a house for me and the children clearly speaks volumes. if you do not live immediately the words you speak then you are not one and equal to your words but separate. And all I ever wait for is myself. I cannot blame anythign or anyone because I create my world and my reality.

I create what I allow and I create my experience of me. The big question then is why do I wait?

Why do I allow waiting?

And the answer to this question is simple, because it is always simple, apply self honesty and all is very simple:

F E A R OF L O S S

so exactly what does this fear of loss entail:

fear of losing my children

fear or losing my life as I have known it

fear of losing the comfort my life entails

fear of survival

I look at this and cannot allow any beating up of myself because I have allowed all of this in the first place when I KNOW fears are illusional and irrational.

I have to look at it and apply myself accordingly in the realization that this is a process, and there are many layers to go through. There are points I have clearly missed while applying self forgiveness previously on these points. If you do not get to the core, the root of it though, it will keep on going like som old really bad broken record until you find the root and UP root it.

There are in all probablility sub and unconscious points here that obviously are less apparent now, but as I go through with the self forgiveness in self honesty I will uncover it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I must be doing something wrong within this process since the points I thought I had transcended STILL remain - instead of realizing that this is a process - layer upon layer and that there are points to uncover as I go along

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate in my life when this is unacceptable - I do not allow or accept anything less from me than who I am no matter what - and there are NO excuses - I am here - and I get it done for me as me as all as one in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is impossible to lose my children - the children are one and equal to me - so how can I lose me - I am here - infinite - stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that the children are MY children when it is impossible to own anything or anyone. The children in my life are beings one and equal to me - whom I assist and care for as I care for myself - unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the children or any other being in existance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate "my" children from other children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience judgment within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that noone but me should raise the children - all others simply not good enough and in that both judging and separating me from myself and others since we are all one and equal - and the reason for this fear is the very separation we have all allowed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself because in realizing we are all one and equal I realize by looking at the world reflected back upon me what I am capable of and that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to fully realize and take responsability for what I accept and allow which is a direct cause for the separation in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the children out of fear of being alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regretting the way I script my life "when it comes down to it" and live it instead of realizing that for the first time ever do I actually understand that I script my life and my reality and in that realization script it according to and as oneness and equality and in that actually live for the first time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking full self responsability when I now realize the full implications of that statement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still not fully grasp that fear is ILLUSIONAL - it does not exist - it is a mind created illusion to keep me enslaved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear realizing who I really am since all I have ever known is mind - and mind is not who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear insanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still not trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything - not having a home and the comfort that entails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not geting a job that will sustain me and the children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being cold and hungry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at money as more than me when I am one and exual to all manifestations in existanse - money no more or less than me - money is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my life be directed by money instead of me directing me and in that actually giving money power over me - making it more than me when it is not

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to amalgamate with all - since I am all - one and equal - no separation

I forgive myself that I havent allowed and accepted myself to embrace all that is me in existance- unconditionally and from and within that stand up and STOP

till here no further

I do not allow myself to experience separation, fear, guilt or any reaction within and of mind - that is not who I am
I direct myself in every moment of every breath
I give myself permission to enjoy my process in absolute self trust and self honesty
I give myself permission to enjoy my life within process
I give myself permission to have enough money in my life - I am money - one and equal
I give myself permission to totally let go of mind since I am not my mind
I am here
I am life
I am one and equal to all in oneness and equality
I dedicate my life to process so that me as all will be able to stand as one and equal in self realization- no matter what it takes I get it done

Sitting here, all alone, it´s midnight here and all is silent. Just the humming from the computers. Kids are asleep. I will soon be going to bed too, but then realized that I haven´t written anything in my blog for a few days, so why not write in it?!

I could play a bit on the guitar, I seem to want to pick it up all the time, and just play some. Ella says she prefers just to hear the guitar and not my singing (go figure lol) but I can see what she means. I always enjoyed listening to guitar playing without the vocals.
Jonathan says I suck anyway lol, although I have seen him enjoying it when he thinks i don´t notice. Ryan is ok with whatever, mr laid back as he is.
We went to this local playground today. It was such a nice spring day and we had some fun there. There was this wooden old see-saw that we all went on and giggled a lot. I managed to do some swinging as well. It´s nice to let the swing carry your weight for a moment and feel the air run through your hair and over your face. Everyone should swing at least once a week. This actually just reminded me of Bruce. L´s article regarding the swing and living in past and future.
Fitting since I am currently working on the past...

Life seems to be getting simpler though, as in i enjoy me within and as the simple things in life. There is upheaval and a lot of issues to sort out, but within, all is pretty cool. Even though my entire world as I know it has crumbled, there is silence within. I have issues still, to do with allowed feelings and memories regarding the current situation, but I am aware of them and I deal with them and I apply self forgiveness accordingly.

I will go and write some self forgiveness in bed now. Look at my day and whatever issue is at hand.

God natt!

?

At the moment I is going through a cold of sorts. I slept a lot and feel a bit better today.
Has been a very turbulent week, or perhaps months, but certainly culminated this week.
I have had to , and still face LOTS of fear issues and self trust issues. So - walking through every moment - no matter what and it´s painful and very strange - because I experience situations and moments I just never thought Id be able or ever wanted to go through.
So I surprise me sometimes - wow!! - did I say that???? Did I stand then - and actually did that???!
Still fall - get up - cry - walk - fall - bruised - bleeding - cry - stand up - walk! I push through this bastard of a system no matter what it takes. I stop! And I look self honestly within - and I apply self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other beings for judging me and not in that moment realize that I allow loops of judgement and that I is responsible for judgement and noone outside of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience judgement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible for anyone to manipulate me - that is impossible - only minds can be manipulated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others reactions to me and my words of expression in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with another being and in that moment not realize that it is MY frustration I am experiencing and not anything or anyone outside and separate to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lable certain beings as deceptive, false, liars, backstabbing, twofaced instead of realizing that these beigns are mirroring what exist inside me that I have yet to look at that I have accepted and allowed to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience any reaction within - who I really am is stable - constant - no movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about money and how to provide for me and the children

to be continued...

HERE is all that is

I remember driving in the car as a child, looking at the passing cars and thinking to myself how strange it is with all those ppl everywhere, who seems to live separate lives, not seeing the other ppl - well, seeing them yes, but not noticing them. All those ppl with lives of their own, but still as real as mine. How does that work? All these lives and stories playing out at the same time, and here I am, with my life - my parents.
This seemed to me soo strange. I couldn´t understand exactly how this could work, because to me, obviously we are all as important as eachother, all the same really. It was fascinating - and I wondered who kept "track" of all this, how it all worked, who "saw" all these lives. What made each one individual yet all the same.
I never spoke to my parents about anything that I experienced or the questions that I had, because I knew there would be no point what so ever.
I often sat when driving just observing ppl , and in my head becoming them, living "their" lives almost as to "make their lives real - their story true", almost as if I didn´t nothing was real, if I could not be them too nothing could be real.

When I look back on that now it´s fascinating.

Because now, as I am realizing that all that is is HERE, that we are all one and equal -is exactly the piece that was missing as a child. I just couldn´t put it into words or fully understand it, but now, it makes perfect sense.
Ofcourse, as with all children in this matrix, I suppressed all questions, and just accepted what was presented to me as "that´s just the way it is, so deal with it" life is tough, but you get on with it as best you can sort of view.

Now I see that All is ME - all is ONE and equal. It´s simple but for the mind that we have become it is like total gibberish - it cannot comprehend that.
There is no past - there is no future - only HERE in this moment.
What is simply is. All specific to bring me here now to this moment. This moment of beingness .

This process is enjoyable. For the first time in my existance I am actually giving me to me. That is beyond words!

Letting go

There are a few things still in my life that I have ties and attachments to. I have been procrastinating and in that actually allowed myself to be self dishonest - basically supporting systems instead of life. A loop of sorts, and unless I apply myself now, it will compound to such an extent that life will sort me, and direct me, instead of me doing it myself, with all the consequences that entails.

So here goes:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put the divorce issue in the future instead of acting NOW and applying myself in directing my situation with a starting point of oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind procrastination instead of doing what is necessary to be done in order to STOP and take responsability for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the outcome of the divorce instead of realizing there is nothing to lose and that I will be gaining release and move myself in process hence placing me where I will be able to assist oneness and equality effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have emotional ties to members of my family instead of actually realizing that we are all one and equal beings, who have been placed in family constructs that fuel and maintain emotions so that we remain slaves to the system and remain apparently unable to realize who we really are as life in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to really see and realize that I am supporting and assisting the continuation of enslavement and suffering every moment that I am participating in thoughts, emotions and feelings, and every moment I allow any separation within such as familie ties - this is unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to STILL allow and accept attachments within towards my house and car, clothes, food, and allowing myself to remain in fear of losing these things instead of actually realizing fully that these are system creations, and for a moment it is requiered - no attachments necessary because eventually these manifestations will cease to exist - life does not need or desire anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have become addicted to food, eating and consuming

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I desire certain foods, I crave certains foods, I need this or that, I want this or that, because its pleasureable, make my life easier and more enjoyable - not seeing that I am consuming me - consuming life - and that I as who I really am has got no desires, no wants, no needs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and supported the consumption of life itself and that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind ignorance and blame to justify it

I forgive myself that I have actually allowed myself to believe that it is possible to hide from me as who I really am and what I have accepted and allowed within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience procrastination within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience need, wants, desires and addictions within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create excuses not to apply myself NOW in every moment of every breath

Till here NO further.

I let go.

I direct me in every moment of every breath no matter what to get it done and realize who I really am.
I STOP all participation within mind and direct myself accordingly.
I PUSH through all resistances - they do not exist - they are mind created illusions.
I am HERE in every moment of every breath. I STOP!

kill death

To release the fear of death:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that who I am is the picture representation of me instead of realizing that who I really am is limitless

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be attached to my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of death outside of me to beings in my life instead of facing my fears head on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that who I am will die with the death of my body instead of realizing that death does not exist - I am here - infinetly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry what would happen to the children if I die now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear the unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sufferign and pain prior to death

anger and the root of it

tonight on the chat Andrea assisted me to actually see clearly, for the first time ever where my anger , immense anger that I have carried around within me for all my life originates from. So, Im going to uproot this anger and amalgate with it all, become equal and one to it:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have based my view on men on the anger and resentment I felt towards my father since he could never unconditionally love himself as me and unconditionally assist me and care for me as a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this anger within me through all my life, and actually have that anger be the base for all my relationships to men from then on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually have allowed myself to compound the anger for men even more based on the abuse by Lars when I was a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so consumed by this anger towards men, the total betrayal that I experienced with all men I met, that all relationships were doomed from the start

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate men

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be discusted by men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my anger out on all men I met so that I could make sure they all hated me and in that way I made sure they stayed away, I was "safe" instead of actually realizing that I was running away from me and what I have allowed

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to realize that my self abuse regarding men and relationships was hidden behind the illusion I created in my mind that I was using them, I was in control instead of seeing that anger was controlling me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually deny that there was also a part of me that still was this little girl, that was looking for her father, to take care of her, to nurture her, to look after her, be there for her, love her unconditionally hug her, laugh with her,
all that which was never there - hence I kept searching - looking - trying to find somethign to fill that void within me, instead of realizing that could never be found

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at men as inferiour and actually in general quite limited and stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate mysefl from men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from Lars

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain closed to never let any man see me as who I really am, building a wall, because no man was ever good enough to experience me, the essence of me - this part was alwasy sealed off - no man ever deemed good enough or worthy of experiencing that instead of allowing myself to realize that I was punishing me - continuing to abuse myself by allowing that within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider men strange, sex obsessed, dishonest, manipulative, self obsessed, ego manifestations - the very opposite of woman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed within polarities and in that actually support and assist the manifestation of polarization and separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so consumed by anger that I lost myself and remained in a loop with relationships based ón anger and resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress me as who i really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I needed a relationship of any kind

Till here no further:
I release all the anger within me. Anger - is me. One and equal. Anger is an illusion - a mind manifested system - not real.
Man - I - me - one and equal.
All that I have allowed within my life has been self created. It is all me, all I.
Men - women - children, all manifestations and all beings one and equal.
I embrace it all within me. I stand here- as all as one. I take responsability for me, for all as who I really am and for all I have allowed and accepted to exist.
And within this I stop. I do not allow or accept anything less than who I really am, than who we are as all as one in oneness and equality.

FeAr of DEATH

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that death exist - when in reality who we really are, are infinite

I forgive myself that I have aceppted and allowed myself to fear what will happen after death

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that death might be painful and horrific

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that death will be painful and slow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being murdered, fall to my death, crash, burn to death, drown, suffocate, get strangled, mutilated, chopped to pieces, buried alive, shot, stabbed, cut, ripped to pieces, eaten by an animal, bleed to death, be driven over by a vehicle

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow worry within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disabled and apparently dependant on others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming insane, or a "vegetable" lying in a hospital bed, aware, but totally trapped in a physical prison and in that fearing being at others mercy and perhaps be abused or hurt

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to realize that we are already trapped in this physical prison , enslavement in 3d by our minds at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my children will die before me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my childrens physical manifestation and picture presentation in 3d is who they really are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from my children - we are all one and equal beings - as all as one in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need anyone or anything outside of me to be able to function in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with me and judge myself for not trusting myself

Till here no further:

I do not allow my mind to control and influence me.
I do not allow or accept any fears, judgements, frustration, worries, anxieties, attachments, beliefs, that is not who I am.
I am life, as all as one in oneness and ezuality.
Thoughts, feelings, emotions and pictures are illusional creations by mind. It is impossible to fear something that does not exist.

It is done!

smoother experiences

There is stuff occuring in my life, or around me. It´s like I am in the centre, calm and stable, but around me all hell is braking loose. And it is what it is, I´m here. Not having any reaction towards it.

Several ppl in my close family having nervous brakedowns. Ending up in hospital, simply chaos in their lifes. System failures - crashes.

On the other hand with others in my life communication is smoother. I am able to communicate with them. Common sense seemes to have seeped through with some ppl. So I get questions, and I give perspective. And it´s cool. I enjoy it. In the moment.

I focus on me, I stop. Applying forgiveness, I write in my book every night. Also used the purifier today. I enjoy me, I enjoy the process at the moment.

something is gone

These last couple of days has been strangely empty.
Stuff goes on in my everyday life as it always has done, but I am calm and empty. There is not much happening inside at the moment. Calm, silence - it´s difficult to explain it, my vocabulary seems limited.
I am here, but a lot of shit is gone from inside. Something has definetly been removed! Or transcended. I am grateful. Calm, stability. I am stable. I am in control. I am here.
Nothing more to express then that in this moment.

my experience of me

I have got this joy bubbeling up inside. it´s like its just pouring out and then welling over, and in a moment it can bring tears to my eyes. Happy tears lol

And to me that is strange, because I rarely experience this. In fact, for most of my life it has been anger only, or anger in various forms and various strenght.

I have no idea what it is, but its cool, and Id like it to remain. But then how can it not, since it is me, it´s a part of me, another expression of me.
It´s just that this part has been suppressed for a very long time. I have denied me to feel anything but anger, because in my eyes how could I possibly allow myself to feel joy, I wasn´t worthy of that.
How silly!
Because I am all there is. I am everything - equal and one to everything.

I notice a difference in my children too. In particular Ella. She makes very expressive drawings, images and contructions she´s never done before. Earlier today she drew a few lines on a piece of paper, passed it to me and said; "Mummy, this is you and me and this is the machine we came out of." She draws a lot. Usually different kind of machines, and creatures, birds and flowers.
And she can rarely walk past a musical instrument without playing a little bit on it. And she sings, she always sings.
I am enjoying me , us much more then I have ever done.

the final countdown

Yes- it is here. Or very nearly here - D day for me and this relationship.

With that comes some interesting issues, and i really get to see who I am.

I have come to realize that the preferred outcome would ofcourse be an agreement between the two of us based on oneness and equality where none of us will accept or allow anything less then who we really are.
We are all one and equal, and what is between is systems. I cannot make anyone see this though, I can only apply me and present common sense.

So we will see where we go from here. Although it seems clear to me that he has made his stand- and he does not seem willing to stand up for oneness and equality. So his path to self realization is clearly another one.However - we will face eacother, and communicate about this when he arrives.
I do experience a strange sort of calm. Also, a sadness over the fact that he might chose to not allow himself to wake up - and that is sad. Also an experience of conclution. A beginning and an end.
But I apply me no matter what. I focus on what is at hand, and I walk no matter what.

Very subtle reactions within going on:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the slightest have any fear arising within me regarding money and survival if or when this relationship ends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually on some level wonder whether he will actually have a few realizations before we meet and be able to apply common sense in his life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder if I might have to let go of the part of me that is him and in that prolong realization for all of us and within that experience sadness and a sense of loss instead of realizing that his process is specific for him

I forgive myself that I have actually allowed and accepted myself to even consider what I could have done or do differently to be able to assist him to wake up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I have failed instead of realizing that I focus on me and apply me and that inevitably we will all at some point stand as one and equal and start living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the realization that we are all responsible for one another actually consider myself as not doing enough not being effective enough instead of actually realizing that by me applying me no matter what I am assisting him in his process too

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually feel guilty for not being as effective within process as I would like instead of realising that I am applying me and that it is mind who is telling me I am not efffective enough, or good enough or applying myself totally

Till here no further. I am not my mind, I am not thoughts, feelings, pictures and emotions.
I do not accept or allow my mind to direct me in any way what so ever. I direct me.

I am here in every moment of every breath. I am stability. I am determination. I am focused. I stand up as life as one and equal in oneness and equality.
I am infinite. I am life. I am oneness and equality.
It is done!

more relationships forgiveness

In the chat today I realized theres still some more layers to relationship issues, so here goes:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unease and freeze inside when a male looks at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to run, get away from any male that gives me a particular kind of look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone by the look he or she gives me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that there is a difference in some looks compared to others

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to lable some looks from men as looks that says; Id like to get to know you or I´d like to fuck you

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid eyecontact with men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distance myself from men as a safety barrier to avoid any kindof relationship or avoid giving off "the wrong signals"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is such a thing as "wrong signals"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe there is such a thing as a safety barrier against anything or anyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beign abused by men

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel inferior to men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weaker then a male

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by men in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have some part inside me somehwere that is still looking for "the one"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get pissing angry at myself that there still is something inside me somewhere still looking for the illusion called "the one"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling inlove

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let myself go totally and unconditionally in relationships with men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of past relationships within me when talking to a male and immediately compare him to another man in another relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to be friends with a male since they inevitably want to fuck you somewhere down the line or at least have the thought inside of what it would be like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually get embarassed about these self forgiveness issues regarding men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somewhere inside long for self intimacy, long for really good sex, the way it "should" be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lable sex as good, bad or average or that it "should" be in a particular way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and the way I look

I forgive myself that I have still not allowed myself to be self intimate with me, to love me unconditionally , to accept me unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse me and not consider myself as important as any other being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the past fantasise about men I have met and what it would be like to be seduced by them creating mini movies in my mind of possible outcomes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get turned on by certain smells such as certain aftershaves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate certain music with memories of relationships in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider certain males as more attractive than others

I forgive myself that I have got a particular picture in my mind about what a perfect male would look like

Till here no further.
I do not allow my mind to direct me in any way what so ever.
I delete and release all these memories and pictures and thoughts in my mind.
I am life. I direct me. I am life as all as one in oneness and equality.

I do not accept and allow any memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions, pictures of and in my mind that is not who I am.
It is done!

the massive masses

Today me and the children spent the day in this indoor play area for children. I had plenty of time there to observe beings and their family constructs and behaviours.

Also plenty of time ot observe myself and any reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions that were triggered.


The very first issue that arises is with the wardrobe lady. Her swedish is not very good, and I cannot really understand what she is saying so I ask her to repeat herself and as I do this, I notice within that I am actually sensing irriation there towards her. She is actually irritating me since I cannot understand or hear her properly.



SO:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience irritation within me towards the wardrobe lady


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let mind direct me and in that feel irritated towards another being


I forgive myself that I have actually believed that there is such a thing as irritation - it is nothing but an illusional mind based creation and hence not real


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame this being as not being able to speak swedish properly and that she should be more dedicated to get it right

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to put any value in being able to speak a language properly



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from any other being and not immediately realize that she was mirroring me and what I have allowed myself to become and exist within me



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed that I have allowed and accepted mind to direct me in such a way



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superiour to any other being in existance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spearate myself from the wardrobe lady instead or realizing we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike myself and all that I have allowed as a mind CONsciousness system



Till here no further:

I do not allow or accept any separation, judgment, feelings, thoughts, emotions, pictures or memories to direct or influence me in any way,.

I am life. I am one and equal as all as one in oneness and equality. I direct me.



As I am walking around in there I´m also struck by the enormous amount of beings that will have to realize themselves as who they really are and it seems massive, such a massive procedure and task at hand.

It just dawns on me, the vastness of all this, all the millions of people, I mean , just the people in here with me - that just seems to be going along like all is fine, like nothing has happened or is happening - like the world is ok.

but then I remember that I have to focus on me and nothing else. If I am somewhere out there I am not present and dedicated to process to get it done.


I also notice within me that I try to avoid any eye contact or any interaction from anyone. I am there but Id rather not be sort of thing.

Im not remotely interested in any conversation with anyone at all.
I then realize there is shyness, unease, fear, fear of having to confront anyóne, of having to be confronted by anyone. having to enter into a polite social conversation of sorts that I would just loathe, and feel cringy about, and then worry what to say etc etc etc.
Clearly I am allowing my mind here to direct me, and I alctually allow it.

I now realize that this was not only a nice day out for the kids with the kids, its also a test for me, and clearly, I will have to face this fear, and release it.

So what would I say or do if anyone talked to me or approached me?
What would be the worse thing that could possibly happen? Would I keel over and die?

I have to realize that it is to be here, as who i am in every moment. In that way I am me, there is no looking ahead of what might or might not happen. Not living in the past and not living int he future but HERE in the moment.
And then what unfolds unfolds, and so I live from moment to moment in breath in awareness.

I still "forget" this, and allow myself to go off in some sort of mindcreated illusion yet again.

Till here no further! I direct me, I do not allow or accept mind to direct me in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here, in the moment, present, as who I really am in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply myself in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself thatt I have accepted and allowed myself to feel out of place and to allow mind to direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the beings around me instead of realizing we are ALL one and equal and that whatever I notice regarding those beings is me reflecting me to me and has got nothing to do with the being itself

neutralize words

Since the only way for us here on this planet right now to communicate is through words - then isn´t is strange how much we take words for granted and how we abuse words??!!

So, through you words, with words as a tool you express who you are to other beings.

It would make sense then to say that it becomes vital to use words in awareness. Because if you do not, if you allow you to abuse words by for instance speaking- writing - without awareness - of being HERE in breath - then you take no responsability for you and your life and what you allow and do not allow. You would then allow your mind to direct you and with that you would be supporting separation from words - and the separation on this planet and amongst beings.

With this process I all of a sudden realize the imortance of this. If I am not aware of my words then I am irresponsible and self dishonest.

With that I also ask myself - words - ok - so what is a word? And then I see that within me all words have got lables, such as, "bad" words, "unsuitable" words, "naughty" words and so on.

But a word is just a word!! A word is innocent - it just is.

So it must be ME that has allowed the allocations, associations and lables on the words?!!

But, I then ask myself WHY?? How did this happen??

1) School!!! This is by far the major source for me. This is where I was taught what was apparently acceptable and what was not. Which words to not use since they were apparently not suitable, or bad, or somehow allocated into categories that was tied in with beliefs, emotions, feelings, pictures etc. So I was basically taught in school, or programmed in school to actually believe that some words were better then others. Polarity. In fact - it is clear now that school was nothing but systematic mindprogramming - moulding me and my mind itno what would be seen as an "acceptable" systematic being in a systematic society rather then allowing me as an individual, as a being in my own right to express me as who I really am, and support and assist me in that process.

And it still continues- There are children at this very moment being abused, forced and subdued to fit into this mold and we are allowing this?????!!!!!

2) Parents / Family

This is a very strange combination that a child is subjected to. School and parents - the combination causes a lot of friction and contradictions and confusion within.

You have got your paretns too that tells you that this words is unacceptable. you simply do not swear, because it might offend other people. But you can never really understand WHY a word would offend or hurt anyone. Noone can actually explain that to you, because they have been programmed the exact same way.

And then you realize that there is a lot of lying goin on, a lot of deception. Because you will then hear you parents swear, even thouhg you have just been told it is unacceptable, but apparently it is ok for themn to use a forbidden word, at least if they get really angry or huirt themselves or something goes wrong.

Just look at it- Can you see how utterly pathetic and redicilous it all is? Where is the common sense here??

The word SEX for instance. What happens inside when you see that word, read it out loud?

for me it brings up memories I´d rather not have. it brings up other words associated with it such as embarassment, tabu, wet, horny, disgust, rape etc etc etc.

So to clean that word up, or release it again I would say:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assoicate the word sex with embarassment

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted mysel to associate the word sex with pornographic pictures in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate and allocate the word tabu to the word sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word sex as something disgusting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word sex with rape, pain and abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the words sex as ugly, dirty, filthy and unsuitable

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to associate the word sex with power, manipulation, money, fear and control

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word sex with wetness, noise, sweat, liquid, violence, and agression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the words sex

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sexually abused by men in my life

I forgive myself taht I have accpeted and allowed myself to abuse sex and abuse me

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate men with sex

I forgive myself that I have accpepted and allowed myself to abuse the word sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and control men in my life through sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word sex with horny, kissing, fondling, touching, moaning, and orgasm

- as I am doing this forgiveness I realise the layers upon layers here. Any words I use in the forgiveness, if there is any reactuion within I also have to look at that specific word and apply forgiveness accordingly.

Write them all out and then speak it out loud.


So - clearly we have to "clean" words up. Since we all have different allocations, thoughts, feeligns and emotions attached to different words we have to individually work through it, and apply self forgiveness on any reaction or feeling, emotion, picture, memory , etc if any that a word brings up within us.

Until the moment arrives when a word is just a word. When it is innocent again, and can be used without any lables again. Free the words and you will free you!!

Where the word is one and equal to you, as life in oneness and equality.

It will take dedication!!

And once we have forgiven a word, and realeased it we can test ourselves with the word purifier too (can be found at http://www.desteni.co.za/).

until we are all one and equal to all manifestations and beings in creation!

Mother - and my systems

Earlier this week mum came to stay for a few days. It was a surprise, I knew she might come soon, but not which day or even roughly when.
The very first thing that entered my head when I saw her car was ah - brilliant opportunity to test my application. I actually registered that not much was occuring inside either, not like it used to do when I immediately went into fear of judgment mode regarding the lack of cleaning.

I hadn´t spoken to mum about process prior to the visit. There just wasn´t a reason or opportunity as such - or perhaps I just decided not to until I felt confident within to actually talk to her about it.

So one evening we somehow entered the subject of life in general, how fucked up things are etc.
There was a few things or issues within that all of a sudden popped up while I was talking about process:

I seemed to struggle to find words at times to express me and my process. It was like I went blank at times to find the "right words". As I am aware of this lack of flow in words, I all of a sudden have a reaction, an emotion within, and my face starts getting warmer and warmer, I am also actually embarassed that I cannot find the words or the flow and I immediately know within that this is because of self dishonesty, about self trust and the apparent lack thereof, words in separation from me.

I continue though. And to my great surprise she actually says that it makes sense she says and to me, well that to me its a relief and a sort of wow experience within because up until now I have been told I am nuts, crazy, brainwashed, that it will and can never work etc etc from others so this was a breath of fresh air so to speak.
Now, Í can´t been sure that this means she is now totally aware of her process no, but it does mean that perhaps something might have sparked something within her and that this will show further down the line.
Anyway, my "goal" or "aim" wasn´t and never will be from a starting point of try to change anyone or make anyone see.

But I also had to ask myself what is my starting point here?
Am I doing this because I feel that she should know this and that she would somehow think that I am actually very dedicated, that I am "good for something", perhaps it´ll make her look upon me as more than just a loser and a failure, someone that was never good enough or reached the goals they as my parents set up (perhaps even that is an illusion on my behalf).

There might have been something like that lurking underneath it all, that I must have supressed in that case.
because to me, I am responsable for me, but also for her since we are all one and equal. As in, at least I show her the door, as best I can. She will then have to walk through it in her own process.
But to me, to shut up about it would not be self honesty to me.

I also managed to fall in process during the last few days, because I also allowed myself to participate in mind less babbeling with regards to relatives, the past experiences of the fucked up family we used to be, and as I am doing that I am AWARE I am doing it. Still I participate in this and on top of that allow myself to become emotional when bringing back memories.

So this was all very cool to me, and very not much cool too!
Because I see now, there are many points within still that needs releasing. I experienced a lot of thoughts, pictures, feelings and emotions during our conversation so the visit wasn´t only nice, it assisted a lot with process too.

i forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate me from words

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel embarassed for not finding the right words and fearing judgment and ridicule because of it

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear others as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unworthy, as a loser, a noone that could never live up to my parents apparent expectations of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt after talking to mum about process out of fear of confusing her or making her sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply self trust in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when speaking about family

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in gossip and mind babbeling instead of remaining her , stable in breath as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify process to someone else instead of simply not allowing mind to create anything but foe me as who I really am to direct the sitation in oneness and equality

I do NOT allow any thoughts , emotions and feelings. I am here- I am stable - I am infinite- I direct me - I am life

I will go to bed now - work more on and with this issue tonight and tmrrw. But right now body is screaming - rest please Marianne!! lol

Im so shy I could die

I used to think I was born shy. And I used to consider it being a kind of deformity because it always restricted my life. Or so I "thought" I didnt realize then that it was because of my own allowance.

I am fine like this, when I can express myself in writing. I am very efficient that way, and I can express myself easily this way, but when it comes to facing someone - and speaking, well I start feeling uncomfortable. I immediately start wondering what the other person might be thinking of me, it is literally like opening this door inside, and then who i really am simply exits the body, so that all that is left to run the show is systems. Marianne has left the buliding lol

It´s gotten easier over the years, I have learned ways of controlling it.
It´s like I was always scared of just letting go, to just see what would happen if I simply dropped the illusion and just allowed me to be.

As a kid I used to be the quiet shy girl in the corner. Who just stood there and observed. Feeling almost as if I was not worthy of any attention or that I simply was not interesting enough to talk to. Not that I really missed any of the bullshit, because they all mostly talked bullshit. But I felt like an outsider, like I wasn´t supposed to be there at all. Like I had been dumped into this strange place and did not belong at all.

So didn´t have loads of friends, never wanted loads of friends either, Just a couple that I occasionally played with after school. It was never easy for me to let anyone in, to open up and be me. It took time, and on some level I had to make sure it would be "worth" it for me to do it, only if I was sure that the person was for real, loyal, trustworthy and really wanted to know me as who i am, not because they felt they had to, or I dunno - basically I could do witouth people who lied, were superficial, and just not "for real".

Now ofcourse I realize that this is how I am "wired" or preprogrammed. All to keep me from getting anywhere as in realizing what the hell is really going on and start dwelling into the workings of things. Well, it might have delayed it for me, but it was in no way going to stop me, because I also always had this drive inside, always asking questions, never believing everything or anything I was told. Not trusting anyone or anything.The survival game kept me preoccupied more then anything else, that combined with the relationship system, is what sidelined me for a while.

For me it will be a great help to do vlogs. It will be a great tool for testing me and pushing me to not fear speaking. Funny how I seem to be living and doing and experiencing situations and things that I always used to say I´d never ever want to face or never ever wanted to go through or do. They say be careful what you wish for, but to me its in reverse here too. Never say never, because that never will manifest - or will it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate and lable myself as being shy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually beleive that I could not speak up, that I could not live the way I wanted to live because of irrational fears and illusions of mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from other human beings and compare me to other human beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I had no worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely, to feel as an outsider and to feel unwanted and misplaced

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe gatherings and parties because of fear of having to mingle and talk bullshit

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge me as being unattractive, uninteresting, boring, a nobody

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that most human beings just seemed extremely stupid and narrowminded and selfobsessed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy people who easliy could socialize

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind direct me through thoughts, feelings , pictures and emotions

Till here no further: I do not accept or allow mind to direct me in any way through judgment, thoughts, envy, polarities, fear, I direct me as life as all as one in oneness and equality.
I am life. I am free. I am HERE in every moment of every breath.