Friday, 13 March 2009

directing self and taking decision

Directing self, taking self responsibility. making the decision to take self responsibility and then direct self.
What does it mean to take self responsibility?
It is to firstly realize the common sense in that we are all one and equal. The fact that noone is above or below another, no matter what physical body currently in.
Taking self responsibility for myself and all my allowances that has led me to this and my experience of myself and my world.
And directing within the starting point of what is best for all one and equal.

When you go through this phase, which we will all go through like it or not, in one way or another, you are initially confused because all your beliefs, all your ideas about what was real and how things were, you proof to yourself as you go along was nothing but illusions, and just that, ideas, nothing more nothing less. None of them actually real, or consistent, standing no matter what. That is a bit of a cold shower! And then you test yourself, because you will either accept this and then deal with all the shit that reveals within accordingly through self forgiveness or you will "shut down" and simply say, "nah, not for me, totally luney, I wont listen to a word".

There are similar "stages" that we all go through in this re birthing of self. and as you go along self trust starts to build, and stability. because as you apply self forgiveness, as you assist yourself, stability is noticed, the stability that is you and that has always been here but that you were too busy being miserable to notice.
This self trust and stability is and has been one of the most major parts for me so far. When absolute stability, absolute in self trust, there is nothing and noone that has any affect on you in any way whatsoever.

I have fallen so many times, allowed self doubt, self pity, regret, and I wanted to just not give a fuck. But I realized that wtf else is there? I cannot "go back" to the unawareness I used to live in, I cant go back to all of that, that was all self created and not real. So what else is threre? No matter what I do i will be here. I cant escape frommyself, no matter what. i cant run, id better start getting it done. And so you push through. You fall, and you stand. Until its all done, and we all stand here, in full awareness and self realization.

So far into this process I have had to make tough decisions, and I have had to do and act in ways which has requiered courage and self trust. I cant do what I used to and only think of what is best for me and the children, my family. I have to take all as one as equal into consideration, all I do has to be from that starting point. As soon as I do not, then I allow separation, one of the main allowances that has gotten us into this pit in the first place. Jack once said he had no "guidelines" no "map" to walk his process, and that is so for all of us. We can assist and support eachother but ultimately we are all alone. So, not to be hard on myself, to be patient, to remain here breathing, and keep on applying self forgiveness, I get it done.

I still got many points to release, and more reveal as I go along. But its cool. I am here. I will always remain here.

Walking through this, there is immense sadness for what we have done to ourselves, and all teh suffering involved that was the direct cause of it. All so unecessary, and none of it can be undone. We will simply have to keep on moving, because the abuse will not stop until we all stop.

experiences at the moment

this experience I have had now for maybe a couple of days, must be crunch time starting. Its all compounding, and the "pressure" is intensifying. Mind is coming to its end, and its not gonna go down without a fight. I am done with fighting, all I can do is not get "caught" in the emotions and feelings but simply breathe through it all. I had a period prior to this which was all peaceful, calm, this also mirrored back to me in the children, no fighting, actually getting along, all was smooth. And now WHAM! The anger, frustration, pain, hurt is here, its all very raw, no wrappings just straight to the core. I realize that unless I actually focus on the breathing, it will be pure hell. I also started experiencing strange stuff, like hightened senses, also a "sliding" in my head, all going out of focus, the "platform" floating and moving, just for a moment. At the same time my physical body feels very "heavy" and very physical, lol
Say what you like about this process, but there is certainly never a dull moment

I am here, and I remain. I breathe. This will pass too.

Friday, 20 February 2009


I have noticed something interesting within when facing beings in my world that is quite different towards how I used to experience myself and especially how others respond to me.
I used to be so shy, or rather hide behind the shyness. I used to feel extremely awkward around others, no matter who it was. Weird silences, looking for something to say, having contrived conversations about fuck all and saying stupid or irrelevant things. lol
So that each time I fucked up according to myself in those circumstances I only compunded it even more the next moment I was facing another being. So I used to dread meeting others, especially strangers. Wtf was there to talk about. I could never do that small talk, bullshit that others did about all and nothing. That was pretending, I couldnt do that and feel good about myself. And I hated myself enough as it was.

So beings tended to avoid me. I must have come across as very weird and "difficult". perhaps labelled as a bit spaced out and perhaps less bright then the average. And I was aware that this labelling was going on, but yet, felt I couldnt do anything about it, I couldnt see a way out of it. People were just talking bullshit, there was never any real communication, never any interesting productive outcome, I never felt that there was anything that would be worthy of any attention because it was all bullshit.

I always preferred to interact with people older than me. I felt a connection, and felt more comfortable because older beings tended to be more comfortable within themselves and had some life experience to draw upon. There was less bullshit, and maybe if I was lucky a conversation about stuff that mattered to me, life purpose, philosophies, life path, life experiences, sharing insights and finding new ones together. So the beings I opened up to, as much as I could open up were few and far between. Very few beings ever came "close" to me. I can count them on one hand. There was no room for bullshit, no time for babbeling crap, I never saw the point. Ofcourse I never realized I were as lost as the beigns i shunned and ofcourse talking as much bullshit as anyone lol

Beings didnt easily take a liking to be, I was always pretty dislikeable because I refused to be lulled into the bullshit and play along with the silly games. I was always the odd one out, in every way. Thre were moments i enjoyed this because it also served as a security blanket, I was left alone, and didnt have to play in those rediculous pretend social games.

As i have walked this process and continue to walk it I see and understand my behavior and I see the points and how and why I created this experience of me.
But I also notice that today I am at ease, not frightened, I dont fear others aproaching me and communicating with me and with this people approach me and open up very easily. It takes me by surprise still, the being will be there in a moment, and I experience myself stable, I speak what has to be said, and thats it. No awkwardnes anymore. No fear. Just moving about and whatever moment bring I deal with accordingly. I also noticed that the beings that do approach me seem so nice, so gentle lolol
The interaction and meetings with other beings is smooth these days, which is cool.

The other day I was approached by a lady that was a bit pissed of because she had a doctors appointment that day and the surgery had made a mistake and booked her in on a closed day. I explained this to her after walking out of the surgery having cleaned and she was just stood there all of a sudden infront of me. I calmy explained to her the situation and her anger diffused. She had taken the day of and driven quite a bit to get there, but her reaction was simply cool. She was actually smiling as she walked away to her car and we said good bye.

As I walk and accept myself, release the anger I have always carried and all my dislikes of myself that was always mirrored back to me, what is being mirrored back now is very different. its cool, I enjoy it. I enjoy me.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009


My brother rang yesterday. Just a keep in touch call, the ones that I never make, even though it is always "my turn". I sometimes get an email from mum saying, "Are you still alive???" lolol
Its just that, if I dont have anything specific to say, I dont see the reason to call. Simple really, but considered strange by many.
Anyway, the conversation also ended up on the subject of me not having "a man", he said something on the lines of "well, when you have got a man again" , to which I reply, nah, I am not looking for a man, I dont need or want or require a man. No, I will not enter a relationship again. No matter if it is a man, a woman or any other being. Not a relationship but an agreement, yes, maybe. I didnt develop this point though.

He is not the only one assuming that I cant take care of myself, because clearly that must be what he is thinking. A lot of beings around me huffing and puffing because I am a single mother, but it is all their assumptions. They have noe idea really of what it is like or how we are experiencing it all me and the kids. We are doing just fine. The funny thing is that even when married I was always single, because I was always enterily alone in everything, I did everything then just as I do now. The only difference is that I am rid of a malfunctioning relationship that was totally destuctive for all involved. So we are doing fine thank you very much. No need for anyones concern. We enjoy ourselves and get on with our lives. I have had assumptions and opinions like "ohh, but I understand if you are tired, your single and goodness me it must be tough sometimes" Bullshit. My life is not tough, things are as they are. I could make it tough be allowing myself to be within that particular mind set but why would I?? That would be extremely stupid and limiting and self deceptive.

An agreement would be practical though. Sharing this process called life experience with another one and equal. I would thoroughly enjoy the brutal self honesty, the no bullshit, straight to it, all open no secrets, very cool assistance! Besides, there is always something heavy around here that needs shifting, always something that needs mending, always points being suppressed. it would certainly speed things up a bit! lol

Saturday, 14 February 2009

moving in the matrix

It has been an interesting week. Facing myself in all ways, always. I used to live as if I could take "brakes" from process, where I somehow perceived it to be something I could switch on and of. lolol Nope. Doesnt work like that. Within that I managed to create endless loops.

I have placed myself in situations where I would previously have done anything to "not go there", meeting strangers, having to be social, whatevever the fuck that means.
There is this immense stability though, where I will push myself and do whatever necessary, place myself wherever necessary and do what has to be done. The "core" of me is stable. Absolutely stable. And that is soooo cool. I know that whatever happens, whoever I meet, whatever anyone do or say, I still remain. I really do still remain. This stability is me.

So, the stability as me is here. Still self trust is not lived.
The following points revealed as I have expereinced this week>
1. Feeling "uncomfortable" around others. Feeling "out of place", sticking out. Literally as if you were picked up and placed on a different planet, where you are a totally different species and then to interact accordingly in this new environment. It is fascinating because it is such separation. Even if I wre on a different planet lol, then why would I be any different? Why is there a perception of not being one and equal no matter what. Ok, all are walking talking systems, totally alien to life, so am I somehow placing myself "above" others. Is there something still lurking with this. Why else would I experience alienation. Absolutely all is me, one and equal. All in exsistence. There is no difference. Now I face ALL of me, face all separation head on, face all the systems, and there are billions here!!!

2. Facing the mother matrix system within and as my mother. This was interesting. Every time we meet I see clearer what she is doing and why she is experiencing her the way she does.
She feels safe within her fears. She have created a world in which she is in constant physical and mental pain so that she can feel alive, feel as if she exists. Because she never could get the validation that she exist she will validate it through pain because of no self worth. This has become her entire life experience, to the extent she fears letting go of her self created hell and so will hold on for dear life. Refuse to see that SHE is responsible for it all , noone and nothing else.
I can see she is totally fucked within this. All I can do is remain here, stable, and assist if and when she directly comes to me. The solution is herself, its right here under her nose, but she refuse to see.

3.Images. Images I m ages. This is a point that is here , and that I still havent released. The obsessions with pictures, picture presentations. And its funny, because I have proved to myself that they are not real , I KNOW that its my minds interpretation of a reflection, within and as this reality, and still I somehow value that. That is an addiction. I have been addicted to my mind imagery for all my existence. And I have believed that it is a correct representation of life itself, the way it is. The images holds no value, all values are opinions and beliefs, made in separation. How can an image of any kind be valid or valued when its an idea. It is created within and as my mind through my eyes, and not constant, not something that will stand the test of time, so it cannot be real. How can any value or importance be placed in an illusion?! That is rediculous.

So, I got some "material" to work with here. A lot os self forgiveness points.

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

me as the body

i used to be concerned and conscious about how I look, like so many, obsessed with the image of myself and the constant self judgment, self comparison and self loathing cycles this entailed. I was never good enough, never thin enough, never pretty enough, never funny enough, never interesting enough, never cool enough, never acceptable enough, never enough. This self destructive mode used to be an excellent method of denial and hiding from what matters and what is real - my allowed separation from life and the consequences thereof.

Until I realized this> I am life, as all as one in oneness and equality. A being incarnated into this human physical body for the duration of this life experience - nothing more nothing less. Any defintion made onto this human physical body is separation and self dishonesty because the physical body is the physical body, a physical body in the physical - thats it. Simple!
Why allow mind to run any programme that complicates, separates, compares, judges, places opinions on what is here, when this program is a program - not real. Why would I allow any of such limitation and separation?!! Why would life itself want or desire to limit itself? That is absurd.
Here is here, it doesnt need to be defined. I liberate myself from an imagined prison within and as mind of beliefs, opinions, ideas, perceptions of the human physical body. Unconditional self acceptance as life here, wlking the physical, experiencing the physical and re membering who i am as life, as all in onenes and equality. it doesnt get cooler then that! lol

Monday, 26 January 2009

Today I had a meeting with one of the "teachers", or is it called "lecturer" at my local school. I had never met or spoken to him face to face, only a couple of short emails.
So, this person was totaly "new" to me.

As I was driving home I saw ver clearly the obvious way in which my mind works, this particular program running that occurs when my "personality suit" runs one of its system programs as follows.

Image storing > beings > faces >

Stand face to face with another being for the first time> system start > scan face, note the looks of the being in order to categorize
>categorization - look for files where similar images of faces occur >place into that file
>look at and initialize what is connected to this file by scanning for memories tied in with reactions connected to another being with similarities to new being and kick in - judgement, comparison
> check for other possible similarities associated with memories and reactions in the past, assimilate those and >
system recharge by experiencing similar reactions within towards " a partivular kind of being" whom in my past I have experienced myself towards

So then if this continues I get reactions within based on past ideas, definitions, reactions, experiences, memories allocated to this other now scanned being, which is calculated and categorized according to "personalities" that I have met or known in the past.
next will then come the "feeding" of the system which is all the emotions, feelings and thoughts this kicks of.

It was soo fucking obvious as I was driving home. I saw the whole thing from beginning to end. So S t O P. No more automatic system "kick ins". I direct myself here within and as every breath.

This was cool though, it allows me to clearly see the systems so that I can deal with them accordingly.
Fascinating systematic behavior, and its so obvious.
SF to follow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as soon as I meet another being as me that I havent seen with my human physical eyes I allow a program to run which judges and compares this being to other beings I have met in my past of which I have had relationship to or with or merely just seen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind create images of the beings I have not met in the physical dependant on what they sound like or how they express themselves in words although the manifestation the being is currently in is totally and utterly irrelevant to who that particular being really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop this programmed reactive habitual behavior when meeting another being in the physical or communicating with the being in any way - only mind desires wants and needs images and pictures, I am not limited to my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self aware when meeting another being as me in the physical for the first time instead of simply remaining here within and as breath and direct myself in the moment accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed any value in images and pictures - images and pictures which are not real but merely mind interpretations of what is really here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately stop this preprogrammed, habitual and reactive behavior but instead allowed myself to follow it and only notice what I was accepting after activating and running the program which is unacceptable - I stop immediately

I do not accept or allow any preprogrammed reactive, habitual behaviors of any kind.
I do not accept or allow myself to believe that it is possible to "not notice" a preprogrammed behavior start which is self deceptive and totally unacceptable - I see absolutely everything I allow and accept myself to be one and equal to in every moment - there are no excuses.
I stop. No more. I direct me in every moment of breath according to and as the principle of oneness and equality. Everything I do, every moment here I live as the principle of oneness and equality as all, and what supports and assist life as all as one in oneness and equality until all is here, amalgamated as life eternally.
No more separation. No more limitation. I stand. I walk in absolute self trust and stability here.