the final countdown

Yes- it is here. Or very nearly here - D day for me and this relationship.

With that comes some interesting issues, and i really get to see who I am.

I have come to realize that the preferred outcome would ofcourse be an agreement between the two of us based on oneness and equality where none of us will accept or allow anything less then who we really are.
We are all one and equal, and what is between is systems. I cannot make anyone see this though, I can only apply me and present common sense.

So we will see where we go from here. Although it seems clear to me that he has made his stand- and he does not seem willing to stand up for oneness and equality. So his path to self realization is clearly another one.However - we will face eacother, and communicate about this when he arrives.
I do experience a strange sort of calm. Also, a sadness over the fact that he might chose to not allow himself to wake up - and that is sad. Also an experience of conclution. A beginning and an end.
But I apply me no matter what. I focus on what is at hand, and I walk no matter what.

Very subtle reactions within going on:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the slightest have any fear arising within me regarding money and survival if or when this relationship ends

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually on some level wonder whether he will actually have a few realizations before we meet and be able to apply common sense in his life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder if I might have to let go of the part of me that is him and in that prolong realization for all of us and within that experience sadness and a sense of loss instead of realizing that his process is specific for him

I forgive myself that I have actually allowed and accepted myself to even consider what I could have done or do differently to be able to assist him to wake up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I have failed instead of realizing that I focus on me and apply me and that inevitably we will all at some point stand as one and equal and start living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the realization that we are all responsible for one another actually consider myself as not doing enough not being effective enough instead of actually realizing that by me applying me no matter what I am assisting him in his process too

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually feel guilty for not being as effective within process as I would like instead of realising that I am applying me and that it is mind who is telling me I am not efffective enough, or good enough or applying myself totally

Till here no further. I am not my mind, I am not thoughts, feelings, pictures and emotions.
I do not accept or allow my mind to direct me in any way what so ever. I direct me.

I am here in every moment of every breath. I am stability. I am determination. I am focused. I stand up as life as one and equal in oneness and equality.
I am infinite. I am life. I am oneness and equality.
It is done!

more relationships forgiveness

In the chat today I realized theres still some more layers to relationship issues, so here goes:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unease and freeze inside when a male looks at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to run, get away from any male that gives me a particular kind of look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone by the look he or she gives me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that there is a difference in some looks compared to others

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to lable some looks from men as looks that says; Id like to get to know you or I´d like to fuck you

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid eyecontact with men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distance myself from men as a safety barrier to avoid any kindof relationship or avoid giving off "the wrong signals"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is such a thing as "wrong signals"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe there is such a thing as a safety barrier against anything or anyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beign abused by men

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel inferior to men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weaker then a male

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by men in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have some part inside me somehwere that is still looking for "the one"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get pissing angry at myself that there still is something inside me somewhere still looking for the illusion called "the one"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling inlove

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let myself go totally and unconditionally in relationships with men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of past relationships within me when talking to a male and immediately compare him to another man in another relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to be friends with a male since they inevitably want to fuck you somewhere down the line or at least have the thought inside of what it would be like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually get embarassed about these self forgiveness issues regarding men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to somewhere inside long for self intimacy, long for really good sex, the way it "should" be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lable sex as good, bad or average or that it "should" be in a particular way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and the way I look

I forgive myself that I have still not allowed myself to be self intimate with me, to love me unconditionally , to accept me unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse me and not consider myself as important as any other being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the past fantasise about men I have met and what it would be like to be seduced by them creating mini movies in my mind of possible outcomes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get turned on by certain smells such as certain aftershaves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate certain music with memories of relationships in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider certain males as more attractive than others

I forgive myself that I have got a particular picture in my mind about what a perfect male would look like

Till here no further.
I do not allow my mind to direct me in any way what so ever.
I delete and release all these memories and pictures and thoughts in my mind.
I am life. I direct me. I am life as all as one in oneness and equality.

I do not accept and allow any memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions, pictures of and in my mind that is not who I am.
It is done!

the massive masses

Today me and the children spent the day in this indoor play area for children. I had plenty of time there to observe beings and their family constructs and behaviours.

Also plenty of time ot observe myself and any reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions that were triggered.


The very first issue that arises is with the wardrobe lady. Her swedish is not very good, and I cannot really understand what she is saying so I ask her to repeat herself and as I do this, I notice within that I am actually sensing irriation there towards her. She is actually irritating me since I cannot understand or hear her properly.



SO:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience irritation within me towards the wardrobe lady


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let mind direct me and in that feel irritated towards another being


I forgive myself that I have actually believed that there is such a thing as irritation - it is nothing but an illusional mind based creation and hence not real


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame this being as not being able to speak swedish properly and that she should be more dedicated to get it right

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to put any value in being able to speak a language properly



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from any other being and not immediately realize that she was mirroring me and what I have allowed myself to become and exist within me



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarassed that I have allowed and accepted mind to direct me in such a way



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superiour to any other being in existance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spearate myself from the wardrobe lady instead or realizing we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike myself and all that I have allowed as a mind CONsciousness system



Till here no further:

I do not allow or accept any separation, judgment, feelings, thoughts, emotions, pictures or memories to direct or influence me in any way,.

I am life. I am one and equal as all as one in oneness and equality. I direct me.



As I am walking around in there I´m also struck by the enormous amount of beings that will have to realize themselves as who they really are and it seems massive, such a massive procedure and task at hand.

It just dawns on me, the vastness of all this, all the millions of people, I mean , just the people in here with me - that just seems to be going along like all is fine, like nothing has happened or is happening - like the world is ok.

but then I remember that I have to focus on me and nothing else. If I am somewhere out there I am not present and dedicated to process to get it done.


I also notice within me that I try to avoid any eye contact or any interaction from anyone. I am there but Id rather not be sort of thing.

Im not remotely interested in any conversation with anyone at all.
I then realize there is shyness, unease, fear, fear of having to confront anyóne, of having to be confronted by anyone. having to enter into a polite social conversation of sorts that I would just loathe, and feel cringy about, and then worry what to say etc etc etc.
Clearly I am allowing my mind here to direct me, and I alctually allow it.

I now realize that this was not only a nice day out for the kids with the kids, its also a test for me, and clearly, I will have to face this fear, and release it.

So what would I say or do if anyone talked to me or approached me?
What would be the worse thing that could possibly happen? Would I keel over and die?

I have to realize that it is to be here, as who i am in every moment. In that way I am me, there is no looking ahead of what might or might not happen. Not living in the past and not living int he future but HERE in the moment.
And then what unfolds unfolds, and so I live from moment to moment in breath in awareness.

I still "forget" this, and allow myself to go off in some sort of mindcreated illusion yet again.

Till here no further! I direct me, I do not allow or accept mind to direct me in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here, in the moment, present, as who I really am in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply myself in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself thatt I have accepted and allowed myself to feel out of place and to allow mind to direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the beings around me instead of realizing we are ALL one and equal and that whatever I notice regarding those beings is me reflecting me to me and has got nothing to do with the being itself

neutralize words

Since the only way for us here on this planet right now to communicate is through words - then isn´t is strange how much we take words for granted and how we abuse words??!!

So, through you words, with words as a tool you express who you are to other beings.

It would make sense then to say that it becomes vital to use words in awareness. Because if you do not, if you allow you to abuse words by for instance speaking- writing - without awareness - of being HERE in breath - then you take no responsability for you and your life and what you allow and do not allow. You would then allow your mind to direct you and with that you would be supporting separation from words - and the separation on this planet and amongst beings.

With this process I all of a sudden realize the imortance of this. If I am not aware of my words then I am irresponsible and self dishonest.

With that I also ask myself - words - ok - so what is a word? And then I see that within me all words have got lables, such as, "bad" words, "unsuitable" words, "naughty" words and so on.

But a word is just a word!! A word is innocent - it just is.

So it must be ME that has allowed the allocations, associations and lables on the words?!!

But, I then ask myself WHY?? How did this happen??

1) School!!! This is by far the major source for me. This is where I was taught what was apparently acceptable and what was not. Which words to not use since they were apparently not suitable, or bad, or somehow allocated into categories that was tied in with beliefs, emotions, feelings, pictures etc. So I was basically taught in school, or programmed in school to actually believe that some words were better then others. Polarity. In fact - it is clear now that school was nothing but systematic mindprogramming - moulding me and my mind itno what would be seen as an "acceptable" systematic being in a systematic society rather then allowing me as an individual, as a being in my own right to express me as who I really am, and support and assist me in that process.

And it still continues- There are children at this very moment being abused, forced and subdued to fit into this mold and we are allowing this?????!!!!!

2) Parents / Family

This is a very strange combination that a child is subjected to. School and parents - the combination causes a lot of friction and contradictions and confusion within.

You have got your paretns too that tells you that this words is unacceptable. you simply do not swear, because it might offend other people. But you can never really understand WHY a word would offend or hurt anyone. Noone can actually explain that to you, because they have been programmed the exact same way.

And then you realize that there is a lot of lying goin on, a lot of deception. Because you will then hear you parents swear, even thouhg you have just been told it is unacceptable, but apparently it is ok for themn to use a forbidden word, at least if they get really angry or huirt themselves or something goes wrong.

Just look at it- Can you see how utterly pathetic and redicilous it all is? Where is the common sense here??

The word SEX for instance. What happens inside when you see that word, read it out loud?

for me it brings up memories I´d rather not have. it brings up other words associated with it such as embarassment, tabu, wet, horny, disgust, rape etc etc etc.

So to clean that word up, or release it again I would say:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assoicate the word sex with embarassment

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted mysel to associate the word sex with pornographic pictures in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate and allocate the word tabu to the word sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word sex as something disgusting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word sex with rape, pain and abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the words sex as ugly, dirty, filthy and unsuitable

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to associate the word sex with power, manipulation, money, fear and control

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word sex with wetness, noise, sweat, liquid, violence, and agression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the words sex

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sexually abused by men in my life

I forgive myself taht I have accpeted and allowed myself to abuse sex and abuse me

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate men with sex

I forgive myself that I have accpepted and allowed myself to abuse the word sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and control men in my life through sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word sex with horny, kissing, fondling, touching, moaning, and orgasm

- as I am doing this forgiveness I realise the layers upon layers here. Any words I use in the forgiveness, if there is any reactuion within I also have to look at that specific word and apply forgiveness accordingly.

Write them all out and then speak it out loud.


So - clearly we have to "clean" words up. Since we all have different allocations, thoughts, feeligns and emotions attached to different words we have to individually work through it, and apply self forgiveness on any reaction or feeling, emotion, picture, memory , etc if any that a word brings up within us.

Until the moment arrives when a word is just a word. When it is innocent again, and can be used without any lables again. Free the words and you will free you!!

Where the word is one and equal to you, as life in oneness and equality.

It will take dedication!!

And once we have forgiven a word, and realeased it we can test ourselves with the word purifier too (can be found at http://www.desteni.co.za/).

until we are all one and equal to all manifestations and beings in creation!

Mother - and my systems

Earlier this week mum came to stay for a few days. It was a surprise, I knew she might come soon, but not which day or even roughly when.
The very first thing that entered my head when I saw her car was ah - brilliant opportunity to test my application. I actually registered that not much was occuring inside either, not like it used to do when I immediately went into fear of judgment mode regarding the lack of cleaning.

I hadn´t spoken to mum about process prior to the visit. There just wasn´t a reason or opportunity as such - or perhaps I just decided not to until I felt confident within to actually talk to her about it.

So one evening we somehow entered the subject of life in general, how fucked up things are etc.
There was a few things or issues within that all of a sudden popped up while I was talking about process:

I seemed to struggle to find words at times to express me and my process. It was like I went blank at times to find the "right words". As I am aware of this lack of flow in words, I all of a sudden have a reaction, an emotion within, and my face starts getting warmer and warmer, I am also actually embarassed that I cannot find the words or the flow and I immediately know within that this is because of self dishonesty, about self trust and the apparent lack thereof, words in separation from me.

I continue though. And to my great surprise she actually says that it makes sense she says and to me, well that to me its a relief and a sort of wow experience within because up until now I have been told I am nuts, crazy, brainwashed, that it will and can never work etc etc from others so this was a breath of fresh air so to speak.
Now, Í can´t been sure that this means she is now totally aware of her process no, but it does mean that perhaps something might have sparked something within her and that this will show further down the line.
Anyway, my "goal" or "aim" wasn´t and never will be from a starting point of try to change anyone or make anyone see.

But I also had to ask myself what is my starting point here?
Am I doing this because I feel that she should know this and that she would somehow think that I am actually very dedicated, that I am "good for something", perhaps it´ll make her look upon me as more than just a loser and a failure, someone that was never good enough or reached the goals they as my parents set up (perhaps even that is an illusion on my behalf).

There might have been something like that lurking underneath it all, that I must have supressed in that case.
because to me, I am responsable for me, but also for her since we are all one and equal. As in, at least I show her the door, as best I can. She will then have to walk through it in her own process.
But to me, to shut up about it would not be self honesty to me.

I also managed to fall in process during the last few days, because I also allowed myself to participate in mind less babbeling with regards to relatives, the past experiences of the fucked up family we used to be, and as I am doing that I am AWARE I am doing it. Still I participate in this and on top of that allow myself to become emotional when bringing back memories.

So this was all very cool to me, and very not much cool too!
Because I see now, there are many points within still that needs releasing. I experienced a lot of thoughts, pictures, feelings and emotions during our conversation so the visit wasn´t only nice, it assisted a lot with process too.

i forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate me from words

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel embarassed for not finding the right words and fearing judgment and ridicule because of it

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear others as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unworthy, as a loser, a noone that could never live up to my parents apparent expectations of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt after talking to mum about process out of fear of confusing her or making her sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply self trust in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when speaking about family

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in gossip and mind babbeling instead of remaining her , stable in breath as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify process to someone else instead of simply not allowing mind to create anything but foe me as who I really am to direct the sitation in oneness and equality

I do NOT allow any thoughts , emotions and feelings. I am here- I am stable - I am infinite- I direct me - I am life

I will go to bed now - work more on and with this issue tonight and tmrrw. But right now body is screaming - rest please Marianne!! lol

Im so shy I could die

I used to think I was born shy. And I used to consider it being a kind of deformity because it always restricted my life. Or so I "thought" I didnt realize then that it was because of my own allowance.

I am fine like this, when I can express myself in writing. I am very efficient that way, and I can express myself easily this way, but when it comes to facing someone - and speaking, well I start feeling uncomfortable. I immediately start wondering what the other person might be thinking of me, it is literally like opening this door inside, and then who i really am simply exits the body, so that all that is left to run the show is systems. Marianne has left the buliding lol

It´s gotten easier over the years, I have learned ways of controlling it.
It´s like I was always scared of just letting go, to just see what would happen if I simply dropped the illusion and just allowed me to be.

As a kid I used to be the quiet shy girl in the corner. Who just stood there and observed. Feeling almost as if I was not worthy of any attention or that I simply was not interesting enough to talk to. Not that I really missed any of the bullshit, because they all mostly talked bullshit. But I felt like an outsider, like I wasn´t supposed to be there at all. Like I had been dumped into this strange place and did not belong at all.

So didn´t have loads of friends, never wanted loads of friends either, Just a couple that I occasionally played with after school. It was never easy for me to let anyone in, to open up and be me. It took time, and on some level I had to make sure it would be "worth" it for me to do it, only if I was sure that the person was for real, loyal, trustworthy and really wanted to know me as who i am, not because they felt they had to, or I dunno - basically I could do witouth people who lied, were superficial, and just not "for real".

Now ofcourse I realize that this is how I am "wired" or preprogrammed. All to keep me from getting anywhere as in realizing what the hell is really going on and start dwelling into the workings of things. Well, it might have delayed it for me, but it was in no way going to stop me, because I also always had this drive inside, always asking questions, never believing everything or anything I was told. Not trusting anyone or anything.The survival game kept me preoccupied more then anything else, that combined with the relationship system, is what sidelined me for a while.

For me it will be a great help to do vlogs. It will be a great tool for testing me and pushing me to not fear speaking. Funny how I seem to be living and doing and experiencing situations and things that I always used to say I´d never ever want to face or never ever wanted to go through or do. They say be careful what you wish for, but to me its in reverse here too. Never say never, because that never will manifest - or will it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate and lable myself as being shy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually beleive that I could not speak up, that I could not live the way I wanted to live because of irrational fears and illusions of mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from other human beings and compare me to other human beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I had no worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely, to feel as an outsider and to feel unwanted and misplaced

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe gatherings and parties because of fear of having to mingle and talk bullshit

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge me as being unattractive, uninteresting, boring, a nobody

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that most human beings just seemed extremely stupid and narrowminded and selfobsessed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy people who easliy could socialize

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind direct me through thoughts, feelings , pictures and emotions

Till here no further: I do not accept or allow mind to direct me in any way through judgment, thoughts, envy, polarities, fear, I direct me as life as all as one in oneness and equality.
I am life. I am free. I am HERE in every moment of every breath.

What is Love?

Love - a chemical hormonal reaction within your brain that your mind then interprets as desireable and a feeling of being alive?

There can be no better system to entrap and keep human beings pre occupied in their little bubble then that. And you have to give it credit, very well designed for what it was meant to do!

I´m no different. I see now that I was preprogrammed to fall in love, to search for love and I could go to great lenghts to try to experience love, the feeling of falling in love, the feeling of being desired or wanted by someone, the total illusion that you belonged together, that you are worth something, that you ARE someone, that you are apparently ALIVE.
Such a deception.
And the bizarre thing is, it doesn´t seem to matter how many times you fall out of love, how many times you do a crash landing when it ends, you still go on repeating the same shit over and over again.

Loop!

But I see all this now. So for me the loop has ended. I hacked the code!!
I´ve got the tools now to immediately stop that programme.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to search for love and actually believe that love would make me "whole"

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire, want and need approval from something or someone outside of me to tell me I am worthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I can be lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there would actually be someone refered to as "the one" out there and that it was just a matter of time before I found that person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the past always have looked at people I´ve met as from the perspective "is he/she a potential partner or not" instead of seeing the being itself

I forgive myslef that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress the part of me that is bisexual out of shame and fear of being judged

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for love to feel safe, secure, wanted, appreciated, seen, taken care of, protected and happy instead of realizing that none of that exists outside of me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to be in a relationship out of fear of having to be alone with me and to be self intimate with me and face me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that someone is attractive or not attractive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an image of what a potential partner should look like in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people by how they look and present themselves without realizing that what I see is just a picture presentation and not who they really are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want anything or anyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment and shame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myslef to feel,think and be emotional and by that living in and through my mind instead of who I really am as all as one in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I simply wasn´t good enough or pretty enough to get the partner I really wanted anyway since they would never dem me as good or pretty enough

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see me as not as good as anyone else, or lacking in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare me to other beings such as - are they prettier than, me, sexier than me, more attractive than me, funnier, more intelligent than me etc instead of seeing the total mind fuck in that and realizing we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek partners that are older than me since I somehow found them more attractive, more experienced, more settled, more stable and capable of taking care of me instead of me realizing that I do not need anyone to take care of me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be attracted to older men because of their perceived sexual experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be attracted to younger women because I found them physically more attractive and for desiring older women because they are apparently more experienced

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for my desire for relationship with older men, since I never had a father the way a father apparently should be and hence when desiring a realtionship with older men I am in reality looking for a father figure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame anyone or anything outside of me instead of me taking responsability for me and my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to actually believe it is possible to fall in love - it is not - it is just a mind created illusion and not real

Till here no further,. I do not accept or allow mind to direct me in any way or influence me in any way. I am life. I direct me. I am here. I am infite. I am breath

The Relationship TRAP

It just dawned on me today - REALLY dawned on me that I have never ever taken responsability for myself not once in my entire life.

That is shocking!

I left home when I was 16 after my parents divorce (longed for divorce) after realizing there was no way I could continue to live with my father, so i just left. I decided one day that enough was enough, just quite school and hitchhiked to my then boyfriend some 90 kilometers from where we lived.
I didn´t have any money, just decided that that was it, and off I went. I wasn´t scared, not at all - just very determined to get out of that house no matter what.
Mum had moved out, taking my little brother with him and me and my other brother had to stay because of school, there was nothing that kept me in that place I had to go.

But I realize now that that was the very beginning of me being reliant on others, putting the responsability of me onto someone else because that was really really shit scary.
To stand on my own two legs and support myself in this world, that to me has been something frightening because somehow I never thought I was capable of it, always put myself down, underestimated me, hid behind all sorts of excuses, no self worth, no self asteam nothing.
So because of that fear that I allowed, I ended up in an extremely destructive relationship, and accepted this for three years (because I had nowhere else to go). Until one day I realized, no, I gotta get out, I cant stay here any longer. So one night at work, on the late shift, I just called mum from work and asked her if she could pick me up. The cup had run over, so, I didn´t tell the boyfriend, I just emptied my pockets for cash, gave them to a workmate , wrote him a note with the money, and off I went. I just quite the job then and there.
What on earth posessed me to give him my money Ive no idea, perhaps guilt for actually leaving in that way.
I just didnt see any other way out. It was go or die, simple as that.

But instead of me facing me and what I had allowed, facing the situation and sorting it out, I ran instead. Constantly running from me.
This time I ran back to mum - and ofcourse that didnt solve anything.

From mum straight into another relationship - eight years in a non working relationship - escaped again into another relationship - married out of fear of being alone and no here I am , three children, house, etc but really, nothing has changed. I am still running. Or am I?

Have I finally come to a full stop now. Because I realize I cannot do this, I HAVE to face me and take responsability for me and my life. I have been runnign out of fear - that is clear now.
As I stop now, it all comes flooding back. It´s like this HUGE tidalwave behind me that I have been running all my life to escape is towering over my head, and I can feel the first waterdrops starting to fall. In fact, I´m starting to get soaked, and any day now, it´s going to come crashing down on me.

SO here I am then. I cant run anymore - it is inevitable.
All the running, I have every time "chosen" self dishonesty, and now it has compounded so much that the situation I have to face, is twice as tough to what it could have been had I had this realization, allowed myself the realization years ago.
I have created my own worse fears, an I am now staring them straight in the face. Everything I never ever wanted to go through or to experience is busy manifesting in my life. Be very careful to use the word never!

I am walking through this - and I take self responsability. I am facing me and all that I have allowed in my life and within me. No matter what, this is where it ends and begins.
It took me 38 years of running, I am fucking FED up with it. If I die in the process - then so be it - but till here no further! I stand up within me for me as me as life as all as one in oneness and equality!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from me my entire life instead of taking self responsability in every mometn of every breath and directing me as life in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress me as who I really am by entering relationships to not be alone and to hide from taking self respnsability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from me as who I really am out of fear of what I might find

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I cant support myself, that I am worthless, that I am no good, that I have no skills not realizing this is all mindfucks and has got nothing to do with who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress me out of fear of surviving in this world, fear of not having any money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost and constantly put my self trust outside of me into someone or something else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse me by entering destructive relationships because of fear of selfsupport and self responsability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that relationships was something you should do because that is what every body does and you are someone when you are in one, because there must be something wrong with you in others eyes if you are single

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be insecure, to not trust myself , to not honor myself , to not love and accept myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self intimacy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused and to abuse me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear and let fear direct my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself not worthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self judgment and judgment from others

I forgive myself that I havent allowed and accepted myself to honor me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take me for granted, to take life for granted, to take everything for granted

I forgive myself that I havent allowed and accepted myself to be grateful for me, grateful for life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from who I really am as life as all as one in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and dissapointed with myself for the lack of application in my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get lost or lose myself instead of realizing it is impossible for me to experience this, hence it is all mind creations and not real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame others for my situation, instead of realizing I am resonsible for my life and noone else, noone can live my life for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter relationships that I knew would never work, that I knew was not "meant to be" but still did it out of fear of loneliness and survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and fear life

Till here no further: I do not allow or accept anything less of me or anyone else thatn who I/we really are no matter what.
I accept me, I love me, I am grateful of me, I love life, I am life.

Oh Lord wont you buy me

Hmmm

What relationship do I have to this fictional figure called God?

I used to think as a child that maybe just maybe he sat up there, just like grandma so firmly believed. And mum I suppose, but grandma by far had the worse case of "ibeliveingodsyndrome", or rather the God demon placement system.

Grandma used to sit glued to the cermon every time it was on the radio. She taught me to pray before I went to sleep so that nothing could hurt me. (what an excellent way to produce a fearful child, no wonder dark was scary, there was something out there that could get you unless you prayed)

I dont blame her, she didnt know any better I suppose.

I have vague memories of sunday school as a very young child, and I remember not wanting to go, the strict vicar, it was boring and the pews were wooden and so uncomfortable. There was always something that didnt add up, like some sort of pretence that was put on as soon as everyone entered church, and I didn´t like it.

But ofcourse, I soon realized that the God story was nothing but another fairy tale. Utter bullshit from beginning to end. I could never get my head around how someone who was supposedly so good allowed anyone to be sad or hurt, and most of all, why did you have to fear him ?

I was confirmated when I was fifteen, but not because of faith, hell no, it was because it was simply something you "should" do, all my friends did it, and on top of that you got money, or jewellery. And ofcourse money the REAL god, not that anyone ever looked at it that way.

So God does not, never has been and never will exist. And there is actually some sort of comfort in that. Because I suspect I would have seen it as pretty hopeless if there actually was a God up there considering how things look down here. Think about it, if a God existed that could allow all of this to happen that is currently happening in our world and do NOTHING about it, then damn, that is a bloke I´d never want to meet.

In a way I am grateful to grandma, because without her extreme belief, perhaps i would have had to go deeper into that to understand what a fraud it was.

Because I always had this urge inside to find out what was really going on, what makes everything tick, and who I am, where we all fit in.

I knew that it was far more to it than met the eye, but I could never find any answers that made sense. There was only answers up until a certain point, and then - nothing - a sort of empty hollow there, a void of mystery.

The strange thing also is that noone in my life seemed to have the same questions as I grew up, or perhaps noone simply never talked about these things.

So, my life has been spent searching for those answers, Never really believing in anything. But knowing that there is more to it...I realized we didnt die. It just did not make sense to me that you live here and then poof your gone.


My oldest son came home from school one day with a note asking if it was ok that the children were given the childrens bible. They had been talking about god quite a lot it seemed, because I had questions from him in the past, if there was a God, what I thought about it etc, and I told him what to me is obvious, and then all the hows and whys. It dawned on me that it must be extremely confusing for a young child to be exposed to the very selective information they are stuffed with in school. Especially when members of your family see things a bit differently.
At least he has got someone to talk to about these things. That is assistance in itself.

He also knows that mum never ever will tell him some story based on deception and lies and that if he comes to me with a question, he will get a truthful answer in common sense that is based on oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon the word God as being of a male definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there was a God in the sky when I was a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assoicate the word God with negativity, fear, deception, hatred and death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate God with Church

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to associate the word church with deception, hatred, polarity, punishment, fear, money and abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to church at certain events even though i do not want to, but still do, because that is what you apparently "should do"

I forgive myself that I have associated the word church with priest and vicar

i forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allocate superiority to the word God and to associate the having to put a captial G in the word God that to me resembles superiority or something of importance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word priest or vicar to deception, abuse, manipulation, lies, fear, authority and pretence

I forgive mysel that I have allowed and accepted myself to associate the words; God, church, faith, religion, preacher, prayer, vicar, priest to certain pictures in my mind - I delete all pictures, emotions, thoughts, feelings and emotions attached or allocated to these words.

I do not accept or allow any association or allocation to any word. Words are innocent - words are.

Forgiveness appl. 5th Feb

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dread going to this specific dentist that I on some level dislike and out of embarassement regarding conversations we have had in the past struggle with making an appointment and in that not realizing that it is my mind directing me and not me as who I really am as life as all as one - I do not allow my mind to direct me - I direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dislike towards this person or any being because this person is mirroring me and aspects of me I do not like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysel to not like certain aspects of me - allowing self deceit and self dishonesty up until the point where I cannot even specifically say precisely what points that is since I do not know, cannot remember or are supressing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me and different aspects of me instead of realizing that I am all one and equal as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really dislike my ego placement not realizing that by disliking it I am actually supporting it instead of simply applying self forgiveness accordingly and remove that dislike and also remove my ego placement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysel to believe that I might be overcomplicating things, even my self forgiveness applications and hence fear creating timeloops instead of transcending points

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy when I receive compliments on something I have done, and hence feel very uneasy if someone tells me I´ve done a good job for instance not realizing that it is my mind that reacts - not me as life as one and equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel or actually believe I am unworthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysel to be self critical

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to deliberatly avoid certain situations where I am forced to be social, as in a coffee break with people I have never met not realising that I am then allowing mind to direct me and that I am not in the moment in breath applying myself appropriately and accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing new people in my process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself at work as not worthy of anything, not worth talking to since I am apparently doing such a shit job and hence constantly feel "in the way" and people wanting me out of there - not realizing that I have to STOP, and not allow mind to direct or try to control me in any way - I direct me as who I really am in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to place any value in what people do for a living and in that ranking them as superiour to me instead of realizing that we are all one and equal and that it is my mind telling me all these things - all illusional

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to see the nurses and the doctors at the clinic as one and equal to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unimportant, insignificant and different to every one else around me hence yet again allowing mind to direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the estranged dog outside the house immediately allowing mind to direct me instead of remaining here in breath as life as all as one and equal

I forgive mysel that I have allowed and accepted myself to see some dogs as dangerous and unpredictable not realizing that what I am seeing the dog is assisting with and something I need to transcend

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suppress the fear of some dogs so deep that I hardly knew it was there

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted that these fears of mind of the dog actually mirror me in others so that the chilren became scared of the dog instead of me facing me and transcend my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowe myself to feel guilty towards my children for them being frightened of the dog

Till here no further: I DO NOT allow mind to direct and control me.
I am life as all as one and equal. I do not allow any thoughts , feelings, and emotions because that is simply not who I am. I am here. I am life as all as one and equal

Sunday 3rd Feb

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define who I am according to who my parents are and on my past as it has been told to me through parents and grandparents

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I actually know who I am when all I know is of mind and based on mind that has been programmed through parents, school, experiences as mind in this existense and the environments I have experienced myself in – thus I still yet do not know who I really am

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel separate from my parents

I forgive myself that I have allowed an accepted myself to blame my parents for all that I have experienced and for the mind consciousness system I have beome because in having me they allowed the enslavement and separation to cointinue – not realizing that I as who I am are equally responsible for it all since we are all one and equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my parents because they were apparently superiour to me and hence I had to obey them and be controlled by them

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel and become dependant on my parents

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create a ”world within the world”, ”my world” where i feel comortable and ”safe”, where I live my life the way I know how to, like a system as all the rest of humanity not for one moment actually waking up and starting to see what I am allowing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become enslaved without realizing the full implications of such an allowance and the debth of self deception and self dishonesty requiered within me for this to be able to manifest

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live my life in total separation of life itself, like a robot, craving consumation not realizing that I am consuming me as all as one and equal and not realizing that I am nothing more than a system robot walking on earth

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to pity myself and feel sorry for myself by thinking that I didn´t chose to be born, I didn´t know I was enslaved, I was just living my life and all was fine instead of realizing that feelings thoughts and emotions like this are of the mind, and since I have allowed mysel to ecome enslaved by mind I am responsible for all that I experience and of all that human beings are and are manifesting and in this living a lie in total self deception

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel guilty for not realizinf sooner in my life what was really going on and guilty for not having applied myself earlier instead of simply making peace with that and deicate myself to application now insteaf of livinf in the past – I am here now, In the moment, in every moment o every breath.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to doubt myself and my effectiveness in process instead of just remaining here in breath and realize that doubt is yet another mind manifestation and not who I really am

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to consider myself a ”bad” person, not as whorty because of my past and the experiences I have had instead of realizing that we are all one and equal and that we are all responsible for all that has been allowed in our existance

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself and the way I look instead of being grateful for the unconditional support my body has given me and continues to give me in my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to subject my body to abuse such as drinking alcohol, consuming chemicals through my food, not providing enough water, and generally being totally ignorant towards the body, taking it for granted instead of honoring it and being in graitude of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body or any part of my body

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to take life for granted

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not listen to the inner me in different situations in my life but allowed mind to direct me and hence ended up in situations I could have avoided

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at certain points in my life wish I was dead or had the wish to die because I could not see a way out intead of standing up within and taking responsability for me and my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted my environment and people in my life to direct and influence me in any way whatsoever – who I really am cannot be influenced or directed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become dependant upon others for my survival instead of taking self responsability and support myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependant upon another for emotional and moral support instead or realizing that I do not need to be depenant on anyone, that is an excuse out of fear of taking self responasbility and face me as who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not love myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept me