The Relationship TRAP

It just dawned on me today - REALLY dawned on me that I have never ever taken responsability for myself not once in my entire life.

That is shocking!

I left home when I was 16 after my parents divorce (longed for divorce) after realizing there was no way I could continue to live with my father, so i just left. I decided one day that enough was enough, just quite school and hitchhiked to my then boyfriend some 90 kilometers from where we lived.
I didn´t have any money, just decided that that was it, and off I went. I wasn´t scared, not at all - just very determined to get out of that house no matter what.
Mum had moved out, taking my little brother with him and me and my other brother had to stay because of school, there was nothing that kept me in that place I had to go.

But I realize now that that was the very beginning of me being reliant on others, putting the responsability of me onto someone else because that was really really shit scary.
To stand on my own two legs and support myself in this world, that to me has been something frightening because somehow I never thought I was capable of it, always put myself down, underestimated me, hid behind all sorts of excuses, no self worth, no self asteam nothing.
So because of that fear that I allowed, I ended up in an extremely destructive relationship, and accepted this for three years (because I had nowhere else to go). Until one day I realized, no, I gotta get out, I cant stay here any longer. So one night at work, on the late shift, I just called mum from work and asked her if she could pick me up. The cup had run over, so, I didn´t tell the boyfriend, I just emptied my pockets for cash, gave them to a workmate , wrote him a note with the money, and off I went. I just quite the job then and there.
What on earth posessed me to give him my money Ive no idea, perhaps guilt for actually leaving in that way.
I just didnt see any other way out. It was go or die, simple as that.

But instead of me facing me and what I had allowed, facing the situation and sorting it out, I ran instead. Constantly running from me.
This time I ran back to mum - and ofcourse that didnt solve anything.

From mum straight into another relationship - eight years in a non working relationship - escaped again into another relationship - married out of fear of being alone and no here I am , three children, house, etc but really, nothing has changed. I am still running. Or am I?

Have I finally come to a full stop now. Because I realize I cannot do this, I HAVE to face me and take responsability for me and my life. I have been runnign out of fear - that is clear now.
As I stop now, it all comes flooding back. It´s like this HUGE tidalwave behind me that I have been running all my life to escape is towering over my head, and I can feel the first waterdrops starting to fall. In fact, I´m starting to get soaked, and any day now, it´s going to come crashing down on me.

SO here I am then. I cant run anymore - it is inevitable.
All the running, I have every time "chosen" self dishonesty, and now it has compounded so much that the situation I have to face, is twice as tough to what it could have been had I had this realization, allowed myself the realization years ago.
I have created my own worse fears, an I am now staring them straight in the face. Everything I never ever wanted to go through or to experience is busy manifesting in my life. Be very careful to use the word never!

I am walking through this - and I take self responsability. I am facing me and all that I have allowed in my life and within me. No matter what, this is where it ends and begins.
It took me 38 years of running, I am fucking FED up with it. If I die in the process - then so be it - but till here no further! I stand up within me for me as me as life as all as one in oneness and equality!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from me my entire life instead of taking self responsability in every mometn of every breath and directing me as life in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress me as who I really am by entering relationships to not be alone and to hide from taking self respnsability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from me as who I really am out of fear of what I might find

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I cant support myself, that I am worthless, that I am no good, that I have no skills not realizing this is all mindfucks and has got nothing to do with who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress me out of fear of surviving in this world, fear of not having any money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost and constantly put my self trust outside of me into someone or something else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse me by entering destructive relationships because of fear of selfsupport and self responsability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that relationships was something you should do because that is what every body does and you are someone when you are in one, because there must be something wrong with you in others eyes if you are single

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be insecure, to not trust myself , to not honor myself , to not love and accept myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self intimacy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused and to abuse me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear and let fear direct my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself not worthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self judgment and judgment from others

I forgive myself that I havent allowed and accepted myself to honor me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take me for granted, to take life for granted, to take everything for granted

I forgive myself that I havent allowed and accepted myself to be grateful for me, grateful for life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from who I really am as life as all as one in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and dissapointed with myself for the lack of application in my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get lost or lose myself instead of realizing it is impossible for me to experience this, hence it is all mind creations and not real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame others for my situation, instead of realizing I am resonsible for my life and noone else, noone can live my life for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter relationships that I knew would never work, that I knew was not "meant to be" but still did it out of fear of loneliness and survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and fear life

Till here no further: I do not allow or accept anything less of me or anyone else thatn who I/we really are no matter what.
I accept me, I love me, I am grateful of me, I love life, I am life.