Oh Lord wont you buy me

Hmmm

What relationship do I have to this fictional figure called God?

I used to think as a child that maybe just maybe he sat up there, just like grandma so firmly believed. And mum I suppose, but grandma by far had the worse case of "ibeliveingodsyndrome", or rather the God demon placement system.

Grandma used to sit glued to the cermon every time it was on the radio. She taught me to pray before I went to sleep so that nothing could hurt me. (what an excellent way to produce a fearful child, no wonder dark was scary, there was something out there that could get you unless you prayed)

I dont blame her, she didnt know any better I suppose.

I have vague memories of sunday school as a very young child, and I remember not wanting to go, the strict vicar, it was boring and the pews were wooden and so uncomfortable. There was always something that didnt add up, like some sort of pretence that was put on as soon as everyone entered church, and I didn´t like it.

But ofcourse, I soon realized that the God story was nothing but another fairy tale. Utter bullshit from beginning to end. I could never get my head around how someone who was supposedly so good allowed anyone to be sad or hurt, and most of all, why did you have to fear him ?

I was confirmated when I was fifteen, but not because of faith, hell no, it was because it was simply something you "should" do, all my friends did it, and on top of that you got money, or jewellery. And ofcourse money the REAL god, not that anyone ever looked at it that way.

So God does not, never has been and never will exist. And there is actually some sort of comfort in that. Because I suspect I would have seen it as pretty hopeless if there actually was a God up there considering how things look down here. Think about it, if a God existed that could allow all of this to happen that is currently happening in our world and do NOTHING about it, then damn, that is a bloke I´d never want to meet.

In a way I am grateful to grandma, because without her extreme belief, perhaps i would have had to go deeper into that to understand what a fraud it was.

Because I always had this urge inside to find out what was really going on, what makes everything tick, and who I am, where we all fit in.

I knew that it was far more to it than met the eye, but I could never find any answers that made sense. There was only answers up until a certain point, and then - nothing - a sort of empty hollow there, a void of mystery.

The strange thing also is that noone in my life seemed to have the same questions as I grew up, or perhaps noone simply never talked about these things.

So, my life has been spent searching for those answers, Never really believing in anything. But knowing that there is more to it...I realized we didnt die. It just did not make sense to me that you live here and then poof your gone.


My oldest son came home from school one day with a note asking if it was ok that the children were given the childrens bible. They had been talking about god quite a lot it seemed, because I had questions from him in the past, if there was a God, what I thought about it etc, and I told him what to me is obvious, and then all the hows and whys. It dawned on me that it must be extremely confusing for a young child to be exposed to the very selective information they are stuffed with in school. Especially when members of your family see things a bit differently.
At least he has got someone to talk to about these things. That is assistance in itself.

He also knows that mum never ever will tell him some story based on deception and lies and that if he comes to me with a question, he will get a truthful answer in common sense that is based on oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon the word God as being of a male definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there was a God in the sky when I was a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assoicate the word God with negativity, fear, deception, hatred and death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate God with Church

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to associate the word church with deception, hatred, polarity, punishment, fear, money and abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to church at certain events even though i do not want to, but still do, because that is what you apparently "should do"

I forgive myself that I have associated the word church with priest and vicar

i forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allocate superiority to the word God and to associate the having to put a captial G in the word God that to me resembles superiority or something of importance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word priest or vicar to deception, abuse, manipulation, lies, fear, authority and pretence

I forgive mysel that I have allowed and accepted myself to associate the words; God, church, faith, religion, preacher, prayer, vicar, priest to certain pictures in my mind - I delete all pictures, emotions, thoughts, feelings and emotions attached or allocated to these words.

I do not accept or allow any association or allocation to any word. Words are innocent - words are.