Mother - and my systems

Earlier this week mum came to stay for a few days. It was a surprise, I knew she might come soon, but not which day or even roughly when.
The very first thing that entered my head when I saw her car was ah - brilliant opportunity to test my application. I actually registered that not much was occuring inside either, not like it used to do when I immediately went into fear of judgment mode regarding the lack of cleaning.

I hadn´t spoken to mum about process prior to the visit. There just wasn´t a reason or opportunity as such - or perhaps I just decided not to until I felt confident within to actually talk to her about it.

So one evening we somehow entered the subject of life in general, how fucked up things are etc.
There was a few things or issues within that all of a sudden popped up while I was talking about process:

I seemed to struggle to find words at times to express me and my process. It was like I went blank at times to find the "right words". As I am aware of this lack of flow in words, I all of a sudden have a reaction, an emotion within, and my face starts getting warmer and warmer, I am also actually embarassed that I cannot find the words or the flow and I immediately know within that this is because of self dishonesty, about self trust and the apparent lack thereof, words in separation from me.

I continue though. And to my great surprise she actually says that it makes sense she says and to me, well that to me its a relief and a sort of wow experience within because up until now I have been told I am nuts, crazy, brainwashed, that it will and can never work etc etc from others so this was a breath of fresh air so to speak.
Now, Í can´t been sure that this means she is now totally aware of her process no, but it does mean that perhaps something might have sparked something within her and that this will show further down the line.
Anyway, my "goal" or "aim" wasn´t and never will be from a starting point of try to change anyone or make anyone see.

But I also had to ask myself what is my starting point here?
Am I doing this because I feel that she should know this and that she would somehow think that I am actually very dedicated, that I am "good for something", perhaps it´ll make her look upon me as more than just a loser and a failure, someone that was never good enough or reached the goals they as my parents set up (perhaps even that is an illusion on my behalf).

There might have been something like that lurking underneath it all, that I must have supressed in that case.
because to me, I am responsable for me, but also for her since we are all one and equal. As in, at least I show her the door, as best I can. She will then have to walk through it in her own process.
But to me, to shut up about it would not be self honesty to me.

I also managed to fall in process during the last few days, because I also allowed myself to participate in mind less babbeling with regards to relatives, the past experiences of the fucked up family we used to be, and as I am doing that I am AWARE I am doing it. Still I participate in this and on top of that allow myself to become emotional when bringing back memories.

So this was all very cool to me, and very not much cool too!
Because I see now, there are many points within still that needs releasing. I experienced a lot of thoughts, pictures, feelings and emotions during our conversation so the visit wasn´t only nice, it assisted a lot with process too.

i forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate me from words

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel embarassed for not finding the right words and fearing judgment and ridicule because of it

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear others as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unworthy, as a loser, a noone that could never live up to my parents apparent expectations of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt after talking to mum about process out of fear of confusing her or making her sad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply self trust in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when speaking about family

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in gossip and mind babbeling instead of remaining her , stable in breath as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify process to someone else instead of simply not allowing mind to create anything but foe me as who I really am to direct the sitation in oneness and equality

I do NOT allow any thoughts , emotions and feelings. I am here- I am stable - I am infinite- I direct me - I am life

I will go to bed now - work more on and with this issue tonight and tmrrw. But right now body is screaming - rest please Marianne!! lol