Im so shy I could die

I used to think I was born shy. And I used to consider it being a kind of deformity because it always restricted my life. Or so I "thought" I didnt realize then that it was because of my own allowance.

I am fine like this, when I can express myself in writing. I am very efficient that way, and I can express myself easily this way, but when it comes to facing someone - and speaking, well I start feeling uncomfortable. I immediately start wondering what the other person might be thinking of me, it is literally like opening this door inside, and then who i really am simply exits the body, so that all that is left to run the show is systems. Marianne has left the buliding lol

It´s gotten easier over the years, I have learned ways of controlling it.
It´s like I was always scared of just letting go, to just see what would happen if I simply dropped the illusion and just allowed me to be.

As a kid I used to be the quiet shy girl in the corner. Who just stood there and observed. Feeling almost as if I was not worthy of any attention or that I simply was not interesting enough to talk to. Not that I really missed any of the bullshit, because they all mostly talked bullshit. But I felt like an outsider, like I wasn´t supposed to be there at all. Like I had been dumped into this strange place and did not belong at all.

So didn´t have loads of friends, never wanted loads of friends either, Just a couple that I occasionally played with after school. It was never easy for me to let anyone in, to open up and be me. It took time, and on some level I had to make sure it would be "worth" it for me to do it, only if I was sure that the person was for real, loyal, trustworthy and really wanted to know me as who i am, not because they felt they had to, or I dunno - basically I could do witouth people who lied, were superficial, and just not "for real".

Now ofcourse I realize that this is how I am "wired" or preprogrammed. All to keep me from getting anywhere as in realizing what the hell is really going on and start dwelling into the workings of things. Well, it might have delayed it for me, but it was in no way going to stop me, because I also always had this drive inside, always asking questions, never believing everything or anything I was told. Not trusting anyone or anything.The survival game kept me preoccupied more then anything else, that combined with the relationship system, is what sidelined me for a while.

For me it will be a great help to do vlogs. It will be a great tool for testing me and pushing me to not fear speaking. Funny how I seem to be living and doing and experiencing situations and things that I always used to say I´d never ever want to face or never ever wanted to go through or do. They say be careful what you wish for, but to me its in reverse here too. Never say never, because that never will manifest - or will it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate and lable myself as being shy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually beleive that I could not speak up, that I could not live the way I wanted to live because of irrational fears and illusions of mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from other human beings and compare me to other human beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I had no worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lonely, to feel as an outsider and to feel unwanted and misplaced

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe gatherings and parties because of fear of having to mingle and talk bullshit

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge me as being unattractive, uninteresting, boring, a nobody

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that most human beings just seemed extremely stupid and narrowminded and selfobsessed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy people who easliy could socialize

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind direct me through thoughts, feelings , pictures and emotions

Till here no further: I do not accept or allow mind to direct me in any way through judgment, thoughts, envy, polarities, fear, I direct me as life as all as one in oneness and equality.
I am life. I am free. I am HERE in every moment of every breath.