moments within

yesterday I was sitting in bed after writing sf. It was silent, the children were sleeping, and I was just sitting there enjoying myself within this silence. Breathing. The only sounds were breathing and the house creaking. As I sat there this joy welled up from within, it was just here, and I sat there merging with this joy, and I said to myself, wow! This is here always, its here, yet when I live within my mind, my head, I dont see it.  This joy is me, because it was all of me, it was in all of me and it was absolutely awesome. 

So then for me to have decided to live within my mind for all my life, has actually chosen the prison that it entails, because within my mind, everything is misery and pain and suffering, and I experience the occational up, but mostly it is down, a very sober, rather miserable existecence.

But within this joy that is here, all exist, I dont and cannot deny what is here, and its not rosy and peachy, but I see that this joy is me, and I suppose this joy is life itself. Because life just is, always have been and always will be, it is eternal and absolute, constant, stable, and cannot ever be harmed in any way, cannot go away, vanish, end. 

I am life, as all as one, and within that there is absolute self trust and self stability. Life can never fail, how can it, when life is all.

It gets easier to see what is real and what isnt. As I walk this process, I become the process. I live it, breathe it because its all me. And I become aware of my body, of everything within, every little movement , every little pain. I am learning to listen to my body, trust myself as my body.

My body will bring me right back here if I allow myself to "lose" myself in my mind, and I cannot deny that or suppress it because it is here and its real and its physical!

Cutting down the sweet intake hasnt been all that hard. No chocolate, no sweets, no icecream, and a lot more fruit. Also cut down radically the amount of coca cola which I have been addicted to. peeling of the addictions one by one. Increasing water intake

Experiencing some physical pain in my legs, muscles, a bit like when you have the flue or is about to get it, that strange pain that follows with that.

I am enjoying myself!