human body

all this life I have looked in the mirror and gone, jeezz, that cannot be me!! No way. lol
Because I for all my life separated myself from what I saw in the mirror. it made no sense, beccause it didnt "feel" like me at all. It was like the experience of me was not at all what the image told me. It was, is just an image anyway. What is real and what is not?! This separation, because clearly it was nothing but another separation, not seeing that yes, this is indeed just an image, and this is not at all all that I consist of, this is not a statement of me, its a physical body, but I am not limited to that, even though I spent most of my life thinkig I was. And also not to judge it. It is what it is. I see this, but actually living these words is a process. Or is that an excuse not to simply release it now?!!! Yes, actually it is. Because why can I not just let go of all these definitions, ideas, past memories and all the shit I have carried willingly all my life? Why would I want to contnie this suffering?

I never considered myself to be concerned or give a shit about beauty, but I see now that this was just denial. I always considered beings who had a "normal" weight to be "preferable". this is so common, and is not only inherited through family ties but also a constant brainwashing from a very early age through school, media etc. Well, perhaps not so much other beings, but more so myself. I was always very skinny, and could eat a lot and never gain anything. And I was content with the physical body then, I could accept living in it lol. But after having kids, it all changed. And I got fatter and fatter. All of a sudden I was in my eyes totally unacceptable and the image in that mirror just got even more separated from myself. I see now only compounding so that I will be able to see and release this once and for all.

I have also experienced interesting points regarding relationships and body weight. because ofcourse, we are constantly told that thin is sexy, thin is cool, thin is "normal", so when you appear to be "outside" of that frame you in a way dont exist and when I experienced this, some intresting things happened, on the one hand I was relieved because this would mean no attention from men what so ever, at least not as much as you would get being thinner, but then also a disgust that I "let myself go", and that I simply dont enjoy this extra padding, it is impractical and its in the way. Subconsciously I probably manifested this also due to my ex, because he never like fat women, so hence, I became fat lol.

ofcourse, fat, thin, long, short , small. It doesnt matter at all. And i KNOW ,though knowing is just knowing, living it is what matters because then I show to myself absolutely that I cannot be, and never was defined by any certain look, by being thin or fat, by anything. I accept myself and I love myself unconditionally. I see and I realize that the image I see is not me, it is me in the physical, it is my physical presentation here now in this moment. But yet I am not defined by it or limited to it. For a moment here this is my physical presentation, and it just is. If there are any judgments, definitions, reactions, thoughts, feelings towards or by it then that is something that needs looking at and require releasing by the being experiencing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by and limited to my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my physical body is limiting me

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body, not seeing that I am one and equal to all manifestations in existence

I forgive myself that I have acceptd and allowed myself to judge the human ohysical body in general and my physical body in particular

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a body should look in a certain way to apparently be accepted and "normal"

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself to consider thin beigns more attractive than fat beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, the physical image of me as not good enough, not pretty enough, not attractive enough, simply not enough

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my human physical body for granted

i forgive myslef that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed ploarity constructs such as good-bad, attractive-ugly, thin-fat instead of seeing and realizing the self deception and separation within this and simply stop

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself compare other human bodies against eachother

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for my phyical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself ugly and unimportant and uninteresting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to haet myself and the physical image of myself simply becaise I separated myself from myself to the extent I cannot relate to the image I see in the mirror

I forgive myself thta i have accepted and allowed msydelf to believe that the image i see in the mirror is really me and all that there is of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put any importance or have any reactions within towards a picture presentation

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experiece any thoughts, feelings, emotions or memories

I see and realize that I am not and cannot be limited to a picture presentation of my human physical body

I see myself as one and equal to all manifestations in existence

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I am one and equal to how and what I experience here and that all is specific so that I will be able to see and realize and let go, transcend them and assist myself here within process of self realization

I unconditionally let go of all my conditionings regarding "normality" and all pre programmed reactions towards anything or anyone
I do not accept or allow me to experience any reactions within.
I remain here stable and self directive in every moment of every breath.
I stand. I walk.

letting go

I just read Mattis post on forum, very cool realizations shared here regarding definitions and values put on self, the self we perceive us to be, and how letting go of all definitions, values must be done.

Its seem that what prevents me from being here, seeing what is here and what is real is the perceived resistance of letting go of anything and everything that defines me according to the mind, the life that was lived through my mind, which was not real but created within and as the mind as to seem real, when in fact it was separation and limitation.

As long as i keep holding on to this world that I believe to be real, the world I experience myself within and all teh beings within it, as long as a need is experienced to maintain and stay within this, I will be running around in the same old loop not seeing anything, not being able to self realize. Not giving myself the opportunity to self realize here will inevitably mean self removal, because systems are not life and are removed. So there is no choice. I am dead anyway, lol
So, I might as well let go of it all. Let go of the illusions that I am safe withing this experience I have created for myself this life, all that I know and that are familiar. All the experiences, preferences, wants, dreams, plans , all of it, there can be nothing and nobody that allow me to defines or "frames" myself, keeping myself bound and blind. Being here in every moment, I cannot be defined by any personality in any way and all that were allocated to this personality.

So why all the excuses when there are no excuses. If im not HERE, then clearly im still screwing around within and as my mind, using excuses of any kind to remain within and as it and stay the same. if im not here now, then clearly I must be using excuses and justifications as to why im not here ...yet.... and in that yet actually justifying the apparent waiting to self realize, waiting for myself when all is here and always have been.

and I know it is a process, but I see that this also can be used as justification to somehow allow for a backdoor to remain so that excuses can be justified and it is utterly unacceptable!

some title...

a while back I started or rather continued my blog on wordpress. Now Ive decided to continue here, with blogspot again. It doesn't really matter, what matters is that I use it, and so I continue to share the process of self realization here.

As I opened the blog today I also decided to go through the links of other beings sharing process, it was a while since, and I see that some has removed their blogs, some has changed quite a bit since I last looked, there was one that made me chuckle, a total u turn seems to have been made for him since last I read his blog, so I decided to remove him too.
There is no judgment within this, it is what it is. Some will decide to continue screwing around a bit more, as if the suffering hasn't quite compounded enough yet to be able to see anything or ask any serious questions and thus seem to believe they can remove themselves from process LOL
All is here anyway. And all will eventually stand here as all as one in oneness and equality.

I have been looking, and are still looking at the definitions I have placed upon myself as to who i have defined and believed myself to be. Within this I see that none of it was/is real. How can it be real, something that fluctuates, changes and molds itself according to its environment cannot be real. What would be real is stable, constant, here and does not exist within and as polarities of mind.
I found that the major personality suits and definition within this lifetime has been that of apparently being a woman and a mother. Within those (and many others) I have created an inner reality that gave me purpose within this life. Because I believed myself to have to have some kind of purpose to be able to live. Trapping and enslaving myself and limiting myself to the definition of apparently being a woman and a mother. It is a perfect little illusion where you constantly experience yourself in turmoil and self punishment. A self created illusionary hell that you actually believe to be real because you experience it within. Never actually stopping to ask yourself, but wtf, why??? WHY? do I allow this to exist within me? Why and how did I allow this to happen?
Well, I did ask those questions, and through this process i keep asking questions, seeing into me exactly what I have become by my own allowances.

For me, it was purpose. Prior to being aware of the process of self realization I simply could not find any meaning with life if I couldnt find a purpose within it. Now ofcourse I know and realize there simply is none. But this search for purpose so beautifully programmed in, led to a search of a personality suit that would provide this apparent purpose. Being a mother seemed to be the ultimate. So I became a mother. And I limitied and defined myself as a mother, and a damn good one too, I made sure that this was all my life was about, because within this the search and need for purpose was quenched, or so it seemed. I could busy myself with being a mother, neatly categorizing myself into this little folder where I felt safe, and could continue and live this life. Not ofcourse for one bloody minute actually seeing what is here, what is real and that all I was concerned about was me, not seeing the bigger picture, not realizing the total limitation and the continued self abuse and the effects on a bigger scale that this supported.

I have come to realize that it doesnt really matter what personality suit you take on, they are all attempts to hide, all attempts to feel safe, accepted, and live an "ok" life.
For me the mother matrix system, the personality suit of apparently being a mother with all the definitions this entail meant that yes, I had a "place" here. I could focus on this so that I didnt have to find answers to all the real questions, to all the serious heavy duty ones because of fear of actual answers and fear of taking self responsibility, and actually direct myself within this awareness here. So in believing that this limited personality suit as a mother was who I was, I accepted all the polarities, all the worries, the emotional turmoil, constant, are they okey, am I a good enough mother, are they safe, got to keep them safe, I love my children, I put them before all and everything, I cherish my children, I bleive my children to actually be my children, I fear losing my children, I fear for their welbeing, constantly and endlessly living withtin this inner turmoil of never being good enough, never being able to be in full control, never content, just a constant inner battle of polarities.

I see now. And now I face all these allowances. and I STOP!
A full stop. Breathe and see what is here, and forgive myself for all these allowances and acceptances. Gift myself to be unconditionally.

I cannot be limited in any way, to anything or anyone. I cannot allow or accept any limitation of self, of who and what i consist of and as. I cannot claim to be limited to being a mother, a woman, a human being, because I see myself one and equal to all there is. All manifestations and beings.
And within that there is no judgment, no comparison, no fear, no worry, no nothing. Just silence.

So, I stand here, removing these pesonality suits, seeing myself here, the real self. releasing all the layers, one by one through self forgiveness. Sometimes its tough, but I remain. I stand!!!!

http://equalandone.wordpress.com/

more SF on father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my father hated me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn the father I never had

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to realize that a father is a mind consciousness system placement within and as a being and not who that being really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I missed out on something by not having a father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness for apparently not having a father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a perception and a definition of what a father should be like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my fathers behaviour instead of realizing that this was his programming and not who he really was

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe and despise the traits and similarities in me that I downloaded from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate mysefl from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for all the shit that has happened in my life instead of realizing that that is self deception and a way to try and run from facing myself and taking full responsibility for myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become - I am responsible for me in every moment of every breath

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to be grateful for my fathers placement in my life because it was specific and assisted me in facing aspects of me and my allowances so that I can stand absolute in self honesty and self trust and realize who i really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear

I am stability- solid - no matter what stable. With that fear does not exist. I am HERE.
The experience of this stability is absolute. It is absolutely absolute. My foundation that cannot brake, that cannot crack, that cannot change, that cannot vanish. It is me, who I am.

Now, I have experiecend this at other stages withinthis process. And for the last couple of days I experienced it again. When I allow me to just be, within self trust, is when I am stability.
Ofcourse I always am, I just dont always realize it.

I dreamt last night, but even though the dream was clear as I woke up this morning, I cant really recall it now. I do recall noticing and observing myself in the dream though, as I do all the time within process when awake, and that was the first time I actually noticed that in a dream.
So, the next step will be to actually apply self forgiveness as I do awake in the dream too, immediately and specifically.

I have also noticed a change in my approach to the chat on the forum. There is not much to say.
There is very little going on so I am simply silent. I just observe me, and see if there are any reactions, and I´ll apply sf accordingly. So the next step would be to vlog.
It feels a natural step to take - and a brilliant opportunity to observe myself and my behaviors.
I am purifying it all- amalgamating with it all - until I am all one and equal to all and everything within existence.

The number of times I have sat down now infront of this blog in the last week and not had any clue what to write are numerous.

So, clearly some points within that needs dealing with.

Firstly there was this thought;: Ok - shit - I HAVE to keep writing in my blog, because any resistance of doing so or just the lack of self dicipline if not doing it is telling me I´m allowing my mind to yet again direct me instead of ME directing me.

If words does not flow unconditionally from me as me - then clearly I´d have to look at that point within and direct me accordingly.

I have been procrastinating a lot lately. And it is inexusable. And noone can do this for me - I have to walk through it all - all alone.

The very fact that I am not at this moment in time living in a house for me and the children clearly speaks volumes. if you do not live immediately the words you speak then you are not one and equal to your words but separate. And all I ever wait for is myself. I cannot blame anythign or anyone because I create my world and my reality.

I create what I allow and I create my experience of me. The big question then is why do I wait?

Why do I allow waiting?

And the answer to this question is simple, because it is always simple, apply self honesty and all is very simple:

F E A R OF L O S S

so exactly what does this fear of loss entail:

fear of losing my children

fear or losing my life as I have known it

fear of losing the comfort my life entails

fear of survival

I look at this and cannot allow any beating up of myself because I have allowed all of this in the first place when I KNOW fears are illusional and irrational.

I have to look at it and apply myself accordingly in the realization that this is a process, and there are many layers to go through. There are points I have clearly missed while applying self forgiveness previously on these points. If you do not get to the core, the root of it though, it will keep on going like som old really bad broken record until you find the root and UP root it.

There are in all probablility sub and unconscious points here that obviously are less apparent now, but as I go through with the self forgiveness in self honesty I will uncover it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I must be doing something wrong within this process since the points I thought I had transcended STILL remain - instead of realizing that this is a process - layer upon layer and that there are points to uncover as I go along

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate in my life when this is unacceptable - I do not allow or accept anything less from me than who I am no matter what - and there are NO excuses - I am here - and I get it done for me as me as all as one in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is impossible to lose my children - the children are one and equal to me - so how can I lose me - I am here - infinite - stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that the children are MY children when it is impossible to own anything or anyone. The children in my life are beings one and equal to me - whom I assist and care for as I care for myself - unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the children or any other being in existance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate "my" children from other children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience judgment within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that noone but me should raise the children - all others simply not good enough and in that both judging and separating me from myself and others since we are all one and equal - and the reason for this fear is the very separation we have all allowed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself because in realizing we are all one and equal I realize by looking at the world reflected back upon me what I am capable of and that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to fully realize and take responsability for what I accept and allow which is a direct cause for the separation in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the children out of fear of being alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regretting the way I script my life "when it comes down to it" and live it instead of realizing that for the first time ever do I actually understand that I script my life and my reality and in that realization script it according to and as oneness and equality and in that actually live for the first time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking full self responsability when I now realize the full implications of that statement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still not fully grasp that fear is ILLUSIONAL - it does not exist - it is a mind created illusion to keep me enslaved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear realizing who I really am since all I have ever known is mind - and mind is not who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear insanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still not trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything - not having a home and the comfort that entails

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not geting a job that will sustain me and the children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being cold and hungry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being homeless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at money as more than me when I am one and exual to all manifestations in existanse - money no more or less than me - money is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have my life be directed by money instead of me directing me and in that actually giving money power over me - making it more than me when it is not

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to amalgamate with all - since I am all - one and equal - no separation

I forgive myself that I havent allowed and accepted myself to embrace all that is me in existance- unconditionally and from and within that stand up and STOP

till here no further

I do not allow myself to experience separation, fear, guilt or any reaction within and of mind - that is not who I am
I direct myself in every moment of every breath
I give myself permission to enjoy my process in absolute self trust and self honesty
I give myself permission to enjoy my life within process
I give myself permission to have enough money in my life - I am money - one and equal
I give myself permission to totally let go of mind since I am not my mind
I am here
I am life
I am one and equal to all in oneness and equality
I dedicate my life to process so that me as all will be able to stand as one and equal in self realization- no matter what it takes I get it done