I just read Bs post in the open forum abour memories. And really, when you look at it, its all we have ever consisted of. All of the personality I have believed to be me is based on memory, and is "living" totally defined and constricted and limited to these memories.
Were I to remove, drop all memories, damn, it would be freedom. total and utter release from this illusionary belief of what self is.
And thoughts, are these not really memories? Most of the thoughts I have are certainly that, it is based on occurences in the past of which I use to then determine or imagine possible outcomes in the future. What a complete and utter fuck up!
Mind does believe it cannot possibly survive without its memory, because that is all that it consist of and thus it would die and then it attempts to generate fear to try to make you stay asleep and actually believe it is impossible to let go of your memories. There would be nothing to generate the energy with through memories, definitions, beliefs, opinions, feelings and emotions. It would be "empty". Silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted anda llowed myself to believe that the memories I have are valuable in any way because they determine my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe I need a personality to stay alive or to be functional within this reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my memories and my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to my personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myhself to actually believe that my personality is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to find comfort within my personality, it is "safe" because I am used to it, it is familiar

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a personality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to and within my memory and within that created illusionary personality suits

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store moments as memories and believe them to be real, valuable and important

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without memories I could not possibly function

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it woudl not be practical to live without memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to find justifications and excuses to be able to hold on to my memories out of fear

I stop. I realize that I am not my memories and that I do not need or require any memories and personality suits. I cannot be limited to memories and personality suits, life cannot be limited or restricted in any way. I do not accept or allow any attempts of justification or excuses not to release and let go of all memories. Here is all there is. Within and as breath, as life as all as one in oneness and equality. With every breath I remain here. I die in every moment. Holdng on to nothing. Silent. Empty and self directive.

focusing on relATEiONshIps

as I was driving back alone last night I was looking at relationships again, and how I had lived my entire adult life according to the opinion I had created of how I wanted and desired relationships to be for them to be worthy, or for them to last.
And it was clear that all that I had placed within the concept or relationships was nothing but beliefs, opinions such as> absolute honesty, "real" affection, liking eachother, unconditionally accepting eachother, seeing and hearing eachother, respecting eachother, honoring eachother, supporting eachoter uncondtionally, and this idea, I find it difficult to place words on it to be able to explain it, but something like this> having a deep and sensere, REAL connection, wherein we understand eachoter, and value eachother, where there is this equality and a knowing that we are always there for eachoter no matter what, and this runs to the core of us and cannot be altered because it becomes us, and within that there is freedom to be and enjoy eachother unconditionally.
And as I was looking at this while driving, speaking out loud, talking to myself as I tend to do, I realized that not only is it obvious that I could never have found that relationship the way they are defined by human beings currently. What is also obvious that what I always considered being a "worthy" relationship, one there would be a point in entering was actually an agreement, because now, when i realize and understand what an agreement is, I see that this is what I would use as some form of "mold", where I attempted to fit in relationships of this world and that could ofcourse never work. Hence no relationship ever worked out.
And also, considering that even with a view on relationships as most human beings have, where they look for "good sex" or "affection" or "security" etc and then attempt to search for this other being to apparently fulfil these desires, most never even take into consideration that there must be as many different desires within relationships as there are opinions on this planet what are the odds for you actually finding what you desire? Zilch! Yet the search is always on and always end up in tears eventually. And at some point you will "lower" your standards not to feel alone, thinking that maybe they will change, maybe you can change them, but obviously this cannot happen, it is impossible.

Its strange how humans never stop and look at what they are doing. Why would I desire another being? That implies that somehow I am not complete, somehow I cannot function unless I have got another being here with me, who can tell me how wonderful I am , how great I am and constantly prove to me that I am worthy of existing, because if another wants to be in a relationship with me then clearly I must exist, clearly I am great, I am ok, Im likeable. How can that be real? Something that will only last for a while and then slowly wither and die. If it does not remain, as it was and always had been, it is not real.
Instead of seeing that when I like myself unconditionally, I do not need anyone else to like me, it would not affect me in any way.
when I love myself unconditionally I do not need or desire anyone elses love, I realize that I am complete.
when I am self intimate with me, absolutely and unconditionally I see that I do not desire or need intimacy with another in separation of me.
Humans constanly search for what is already here within. That is sad.

These last couple of days the agreement issue has been "resurfacing". I have had moments where I have absolutely dismissed it all, not wanting to even look at the possibility, but I see now precicely why I did this and I see that that was an opinion based on the relationships I have had, which ofcourse is nothing like an agreement.
I also managed to create a beLIEf that I wasnt ready for it, and that is curious, ready? not ready? what does that imply? that I am waiting, because I am scared shitless of facing ALL of me? Well, it cannot have been anything else. Because an agreement you are facing yourself head on in every breath, in every moment. Well, you are anyway all the time, but the assistance of another as you must force matters to the fore and asssit with seeing suppressions faster, avoiding certain unecessary loops.
If I am dedicated to myself and getting this done then I would not turn anything away that will assist with specificity and movement!
So I stop waiting for me, there is nothing to wait for since all is here. I work with what is here and what is practical in every moment. Simple!

opinions

opinions is based on conditionings throughout life, starting from being born and continuously loop around and evolve based on experienced memories, none of which are real but only experienced within as the personality the being believes itself to be accordingly.
So, what is opinion and what is real?

a few Opinions>
love - what is love? It is the opinion that you apparently need someone outside of yourself, in separation from yourself to provide you with whatever you believe yourself to lack in order for you to feel secure and complete. Creating a dependancy on a partner, and a need for one and so you will spend your life in continuous search for love and exist in constant fear of losing love. Getting lost in an opinion, an illusion that you are then limited to and by.
Family> Being taught and conditioned by society and forfathers that family is security, comfort and love. So with this conditioning you will search for love in order to create a family because you are now of the opinion that this is what is important in life and what is the foundation for all beings, to be within and as a family construct.
relationships> You are of the opinion that you require a relationship and to find "the one" to fall inlove with so that you can start a family
Friends> You have been conditioned and taught through family and school that friends are important because they can assit you in continuously validating your opinions by agreeing with you and thus you develop a need for and desire for friends. Your ego gets a boost, and thus, this validation of opinions becomes a drug, an addiction and so you fear not having any friends, because then, you are noone, your opinion is apparently not worth anything and that triggers fear

Opinions are beLIEfs. And you are of the opinion that beliefs are important because that makes you who you are, makes you an individual. In reality none of them are real. Its all you know though, because you have been stuffed with knowledge from the moment you opened your eyes by other systematic individuals who in turn have been stuffed with knowledge, beliefs and opinions. None of it is you, because you never had a chance to see you, to find out who you really are. You were not supported and assisted unconditionally to be who you are. You have been told who and how to be. You believe that you are living, that you are life, because you have opinions of what life apparently is.

So it takes courage to step out of the perceived safe but very limited existence. You are literally living a movie, of which you are totally out of control because you have totally forgotten what is real and what is not. So its mayhem, human beings being the robots that has gone mad, and who are only concerned abotu themselves and their needs, opinions and wants and desires. Totally separated from life as all as one in oneness and equality. The energy is running low though, it can only last for so long and the robots will shut down one by one.

When I look into me, all I see is opinions/beliefs. I consist of nothing else. Opinions based on opinions in a neverending loop. These opinions adn beliefs triggers emotions, thoughts, feelings, memories and so I apparently live my life, round and round and round, nothing ever changing.
Occationally rebooting the system, and upgrading the opinion/beliefsystem through sex. All the while suppressing it all, because if I am absolutely self honest, I see all this. The question each will have to ask though is do I dare to step out of this illusion? Do I dare to see who I really am and what I have actually allowed myself to do to life itself?
There cannot be a choice though, because life is life. Life itself can never be destroyed, it is and will always remain. And those who are not willing to step out of the box and dare to live, those are dead anyway, and in death you are no more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have opinions and actually believe that my opinions are valid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to beleive that opinions were real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend my opinions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to beliefs and opinions, none of which are real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that without my opinions and beliefs I would not exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride in my opinions because to me they were "sound" and "healthy" and made me a "good", "honest" and trustworthy person whom others would like and value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to illusions like opinions and beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind my opinions, beliefs as a personality suit to avoid facing myself and what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to abdicate myself to opinions and beliefs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being someone, not having a personality, not being seen and not being heard

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not existing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that anything of what I thought was me, my personality , my individuality was real and valid when it has been nothing but a self created illusion, my own little personal world and bubble in which I believed I was safe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msyelf to desire to feel and be safe, wanted, loved, seen, heard, validated to apaprently feel real and to feel alive and a part of society because without it I would apparently die

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I needed to live through a mind to actually live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way I coudl experience life itself was throught he physical and that while being inthe physical I needed the mind and thus abdicated myself to the mind, allowing myself to forget the truth of me which was fear

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let an illusion like fear limit myself in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from life itself, from who and what I really am to apparently live such a limited and separated, painful existence

I stop. I do not allow or accept myself to exist within and as opinions. I am not limited to anything or anyone. I am limitless as life as all as one in oneness and equality.
Nothing exist but life here, within each and every breath. I let go of the illusion that I need, want, desire or require anything or anyone to be here, i do not. All is me, and all is here already.
there is nothing and noone to search for, there is nothing and noone in separation of me. All is here. I stop waiting. I stop.
I remain here. Constant, stable.

??

Today in the letterbox amongst all the other advertising was this bright red folded sheet of paper. The text on it was black, and I registred that it had lots of text on it when I noticed these words " jesus is coming" HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Yeah, I had a really good laugh. And yes, I have read these words lots of times during my life when some lost so called christians crossed my way, but this time, I mean, holy mo, how much can you delude yourself and stick your head in the sand. Humans are pathetic creations, walking around actually believing in fairytails and pretending that all is well, heck, the saviour is coming! hahahahahahahahah oh, the redicilousness of it all!!!!

I guess itll be a hard landing for some.

I have been enjoying the children and our every day life with all that entails. This is good practice in remaining here, not taking anything for granted and having as much fun as we can. Enjoying ourselves in the moment. Kids are great assistance because they are here, when playing they are the play, all or nothing. I laugh a lot more, more than I have ever done. Me and my youngest daughter laugh a lot together, at everything and nothing. Silly noises, funny noises, silly faces, dancing. She is the most joyous being I have ever met.

The children are and have taught me a lot about myself, I am grateful for their assistance!
"Why is it strange to dip your apple pieces in ketchup?" One of my sons enjoy this. "Its yummi mum!" lol
"Mummy I dont care that my sleaves are dirty because I wiped my moth on them. Why do I need a new jumper?"
"I want to jump on the bed because its fun!"
"I suck my thumb because its yummi and i wont stop until Im 115!"
"I scremed "willy" in the bus because it sounds funny and everyone else laughs"
Parents should drop their illusional "musts" that has been taught them by their parents, and of which most are conditionings "because oh, that is just not done, that is not considered acceptable".
See your kids. Be with them, and let go of your opinions. Use common sense, and realize that just because they are small doesnt mean that what they have to say is not valid or somehow less valid. See them and hear them. You will learn a lot! The children are one and equal to you. They are not your posession. They are not "yours". They are beings, full of laughter and joy, if only they are supported and assisted unconditionally for who they really are.

Definitions relationships

I am looking at how I have defined relationships within my life. I am looking at what shaped these definitions, what events shaped and formed my idea of what a relationship apparently is or seem to be and then based ALL my relationships in my life experience upon these events or event triggered definitions in my life.

It seems clear now that I have defined relationships based upon the relationships within the family i grew up in and the experiences I had with friends in school.

When looking at the relationships that has affected me most in my life it has been the daughter-father relationship, ,but also the everyday "family life" I experienced with events within this that had such an impact on me that they shaped my entire idea of relationships, in particular towards men in my life.

I didnt at that point understand or realize that what my father expressed or did had nothing to do with me but all to do with him and his allowances. As a child I started of blaming myself, I must be the cause, I must deserve this, only later to pass all the blame onto him, it was all his fault, he had ruined my childhood, he had ruined the family, he had ruined my life, etc.
Subconsciously I then equated that since he was the first male rolemodel in my life, this is the only male early in my life that represents what males are and stand for, so i then made the equation that this is what all men must be like, or even worse, this is what a man apparently should be like.

I hated the guts of him, I loathed him, I begged for the fucker to dieeee a long slow death, I wanted him out of my life and everyone elses, I wanted never ever to see or talk to him again, because he was the cause for all the misery, all the fear, that he had projected unto us, and I hated him because I didnt deserve this, I didnt ask to be bloody born, if I had done I would have made sure to NEVER chose a father like that, lol
Also at the same time hoping, wanting and desiring him to just take care of me, accept me unconditionally and love me.

I see now that I took his behaviour, his words and actions personally. I see now that it had nothing to do with me. It was his personal demonic battle within himself, but he didnt see this, he didnt realize that he was responsible for himself, and if he did, it scared the shit out of him and he suppressed it. I also see now that having such a father has assisted me immensly. Maybe I would not be where I am now, facing these points, and now actually realizing what gifts there are in these experiences.
For the first time in my existence I have an opportunity to release myself from these constructs and see who I really am.

I also realize that I hid all my own fears, and all my own suppressions behind him. Since he was being the devil, all the shit that was going on inside of me, the fears, the worry, all the questions, i could suppress just a little bit longer, not having to face myself or take self responsability. This ofcourse can only last for so long, until you compound it so much that the bubble birsts, or you live through you allowances, your manifested allowances to see what you are doing and simply stop when youve had enough of it. The living through not being necessary if you allow yourself to see, in self honesty and forgive yourself unconditionally for it all and then practically walk the changes. Prove to yourself that you see the point, you understand and realize what is real and what is not.

As a child I looked upon my parents as superiour, in particular my father. I actually believed that I deserved all i experienced from him, the lack of affection, love, care. I began to believe that being hit, screamed at and apparently loathed, taken for granted and pushed around was ok, and the way it simply was. Looking at my father as the bad one and my mother as the good one, the comfort, the saviour, the safe haven if all went to hell.
I see now the polarity play out here, between good and bad. between love and hate, between fear and safety/contentment. And I also see that my believing that I was not worthy to be loved, that I was inferiour to the male actually paved my way with relationships to men in my life, projecting the inferiority which would ofcourse attract the superiority male to balance itself out.
And I see now how it all worked, I see the equation behind it all. I allowed each and every single experience in my life because I created it all through my beliefs and thoughts. I manifested my experience of me, there is absolutely noone I can blame. That is a shockign realization, because then I realize that I, and only I am responsible for myself, and what I allow myself to be one and equal to and thus manifest in my life!
And then I go duh!!!! how come I never saw this. This is common sense.
There is no point in beating myself up over not seeing it "earlier", what matters is here. What matters is that I realize it, now I have to live it. Live the change, and actually stop this whole manifested loop and actually change my experience of myself here.

I also realized that early on in my childhood we moved around a lot. I never had an opportunity to make friends, because I knew we would not stay that long, or i feared we would have to leave again. So I was a loner. Building this invisible wall around me to protect myself, not letting anyone in or too close. The few i did let in turned out to be liars, letting me down, turning on me, leaving me, using me, which only compunded it all. So, friends were not to be trusted. Friends are superficial, and selfish, and there is simply noone on this planet you can trust but yourself! So, I was my own best friend. All of this also projected in the desire to meet a man to share it all with, who i could simply share all of me with, this actually keeping the polarity of ,on the one hand desiring a relationship and on the other hand resenting it, avoiding it. If i believe noone can be trusted, how will I then experience a relationship? What do I project that will seek to balance itself out if not deceit, the very thing I fear. lol
And so I would run around for most in my life, keeping myself very busy indeed being miserable, for no reason at all really. Well i see now why this was in place, and for what purpose this loop would be maintained within this contructed so called reality.

Self forgiveness on these realizations to follow.

human body

all this life I have looked in the mirror and gone, jeezz, that cannot be me!! No way. lol
Because I for all my life separated myself from what I saw in the mirror. it made no sense, beccause it didnt "feel" like me at all. It was like the experience of me was not at all what the image told me. It was, is just an image anyway. What is real and what is not?! This separation, because clearly it was nothing but another separation, not seeing that yes, this is indeed just an image, and this is not at all all that I consist of, this is not a statement of me, its a physical body, but I am not limited to that, even though I spent most of my life thinkig I was. And also not to judge it. It is what it is. I see this, but actually living these words is a process. Or is that an excuse not to simply release it now?!!! Yes, actually it is. Because why can I not just let go of all these definitions, ideas, past memories and all the shit I have carried willingly all my life? Why would I want to contnie this suffering?

I never considered myself to be concerned or give a shit about beauty, but I see now that this was just denial. I always considered beings who had a "normal" weight to be "preferable". this is so common, and is not only inherited through family ties but also a constant brainwashing from a very early age through school, media etc. Well, perhaps not so much other beings, but more so myself. I was always very skinny, and could eat a lot and never gain anything. And I was content with the physical body then, I could accept living in it lol. But after having kids, it all changed. And I got fatter and fatter. All of a sudden I was in my eyes totally unacceptable and the image in that mirror just got even more separated from myself. I see now only compounding so that I will be able to see and release this once and for all.

I have also experienced interesting points regarding relationships and body weight. because ofcourse, we are constantly told that thin is sexy, thin is cool, thin is "normal", so when you appear to be "outside" of that frame you in a way dont exist and when I experienced this, some intresting things happened, on the one hand I was relieved because this would mean no attention from men what so ever, at least not as much as you would get being thinner, but then also a disgust that I "let myself go", and that I simply dont enjoy this extra padding, it is impractical and its in the way. Subconsciously I probably manifested this also due to my ex, because he never like fat women, so hence, I became fat lol.

ofcourse, fat, thin, long, short , small. It doesnt matter at all. And i KNOW ,though knowing is just knowing, living it is what matters because then I show to myself absolutely that I cannot be, and never was defined by any certain look, by being thin or fat, by anything. I accept myself and I love myself unconditionally. I see and I realize that the image I see is not me, it is me in the physical, it is my physical presentation here now in this moment. But yet I am not defined by it or limited to it. For a moment here this is my physical presentation, and it just is. If there are any judgments, definitions, reactions, thoughts, feelings towards or by it then that is something that needs looking at and require releasing by the being experiencing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by and limited to my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my physical body is limiting me

I forgive myself that Ihave accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body, not seeing that I am one and equal to all manifestations in existence

I forgive myself that I have acceptd and allowed myself to judge the human ohysical body in general and my physical body in particular

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a body should look in a certain way to apparently be accepted and "normal"

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself to consider thin beigns more attractive than fat beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, the physical image of me as not good enough, not pretty enough, not attractive enough, simply not enough

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my human physical body for granted

i forgive myslef that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed ploarity constructs such as good-bad, attractive-ugly, thin-fat instead of seeing and realizing the self deception and separation within this and simply stop

I forgive myself that I have acepted and allowed myself compare other human bodies against eachother

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for my phyical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself ugly and unimportant and uninteresting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to haet myself and the physical image of myself simply becaise I separated myself from myself to the extent I cannot relate to the image I see in the mirror

I forgive myself thta i have accepted and allowed msydelf to believe that the image i see in the mirror is really me and all that there is of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put any importance or have any reactions within towards a picture presentation

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experiece any thoughts, feelings, emotions or memories

I see and realize that I am not and cannot be limited to a picture presentation of my human physical body

I see myself as one and equal to all manifestations in existence

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see that I am one and equal to how and what I experience here and that all is specific so that I will be able to see and realize and let go, transcend them and assist myself here within process of self realization

I unconditionally let go of all my conditionings regarding "normality" and all pre programmed reactions towards anything or anyone
I do not accept or allow me to experience any reactions within.
I remain here stable and self directive in every moment of every breath.
I stand. I walk.