Sitting here, all alone, it´s midnight here and all is silent. Just the humming from the computers. Kids are asleep. I will soon be going to bed too, but then realized that I haven´t written anything in my blog for a few days, so why not write in it?!

I could play a bit on the guitar, I seem to want to pick it up all the time, and just play some. Ella says she prefers just to hear the guitar and not my singing (go figure lol) but I can see what she means. I always enjoyed listening to guitar playing without the vocals.
Jonathan says I suck anyway lol, although I have seen him enjoying it when he thinks i don´t notice. Ryan is ok with whatever, mr laid back as he is.
We went to this local playground today. It was such a nice spring day and we had some fun there. There was this wooden old see-saw that we all went on and giggled a lot. I managed to do some swinging as well. It´s nice to let the swing carry your weight for a moment and feel the air run through your hair and over your face. Everyone should swing at least once a week. This actually just reminded me of Bruce. L´s article regarding the swing and living in past and future.
Fitting since I am currently working on the past...

Life seems to be getting simpler though, as in i enjoy me within and as the simple things in life. There is upheaval and a lot of issues to sort out, but within, all is pretty cool. Even though my entire world as I know it has crumbled, there is silence within. I have issues still, to do with allowed feelings and memories regarding the current situation, but I am aware of them and I deal with them and I apply self forgiveness accordingly.

I will go and write some self forgiveness in bed now. Look at my day and whatever issue is at hand.

God natt!

?

At the moment I is going through a cold of sorts. I slept a lot and feel a bit better today.
Has been a very turbulent week, or perhaps months, but certainly culminated this week.
I have had to , and still face LOTS of fear issues and self trust issues. So - walking through every moment - no matter what and it´s painful and very strange - because I experience situations and moments I just never thought Id be able or ever wanted to go through.
So I surprise me sometimes - wow!! - did I say that???? Did I stand then - and actually did that???!
Still fall - get up - cry - walk - fall - bruised - bleeding - cry - stand up - walk! I push through this bastard of a system no matter what it takes. I stop! And I look self honestly within - and I apply self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other beings for judging me and not in that moment realize that I allow loops of judgement and that I is responsible for judgement and noone outside of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience judgement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible for anyone to manipulate me - that is impossible - only minds can be manipulated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others reactions to me and my words of expression in the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with another being and in that moment not realize that it is MY frustration I am experiencing and not anything or anyone outside and separate to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lable certain beings as deceptive, false, liars, backstabbing, twofaced instead of realizing that these beigns are mirroring what exist inside me that I have yet to look at that I have accepted and allowed to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience any reaction within - who I really am is stable - constant - no movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about money and how to provide for me and the children

to be continued...

HERE is all that is

I remember driving in the car as a child, looking at the passing cars and thinking to myself how strange it is with all those ppl everywhere, who seems to live separate lives, not seeing the other ppl - well, seeing them yes, but not noticing them. All those ppl with lives of their own, but still as real as mine. How does that work? All these lives and stories playing out at the same time, and here I am, with my life - my parents.
This seemed to me soo strange. I couldn´t understand exactly how this could work, because to me, obviously we are all as important as eachother, all the same really. It was fascinating - and I wondered who kept "track" of all this, how it all worked, who "saw" all these lives. What made each one individual yet all the same.
I never spoke to my parents about anything that I experienced or the questions that I had, because I knew there would be no point what so ever.
I often sat when driving just observing ppl , and in my head becoming them, living "their" lives almost as to "make their lives real - their story true", almost as if I didn´t nothing was real, if I could not be them too nothing could be real.

When I look back on that now it´s fascinating.

Because now, as I am realizing that all that is is HERE, that we are all one and equal -is exactly the piece that was missing as a child. I just couldn´t put it into words or fully understand it, but now, it makes perfect sense.
Ofcourse, as with all children in this matrix, I suppressed all questions, and just accepted what was presented to me as "that´s just the way it is, so deal with it" life is tough, but you get on with it as best you can sort of view.

Now I see that All is ME - all is ONE and equal. It´s simple but for the mind that we have become it is like total gibberish - it cannot comprehend that.
There is no past - there is no future - only HERE in this moment.
What is simply is. All specific to bring me here now to this moment. This moment of beingness .

This process is enjoyable. For the first time in my existance I am actually giving me to me. That is beyond words!

Letting go

There are a few things still in my life that I have ties and attachments to. I have been procrastinating and in that actually allowed myself to be self dishonest - basically supporting systems instead of life. A loop of sorts, and unless I apply myself now, it will compound to such an extent that life will sort me, and direct me, instead of me doing it myself, with all the consequences that entails.

So here goes:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put the divorce issue in the future instead of acting NOW and applying myself in directing my situation with a starting point of oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind procrastination instead of doing what is necessary to be done in order to STOP and take responsability for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the outcome of the divorce instead of realizing there is nothing to lose and that I will be gaining release and move myself in process hence placing me where I will be able to assist oneness and equality effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have emotional ties to members of my family instead of actually realizing that we are all one and equal beings, who have been placed in family constructs that fuel and maintain emotions so that we remain slaves to the system and remain apparently unable to realize who we really are as life in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted and allowed myself to really see and realize that I am supporting and assisting the continuation of enslavement and suffering every moment that I am participating in thoughts, emotions and feelings, and every moment I allow any separation within such as familie ties - this is unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to STILL allow and accept attachments within towards my house and car, clothes, food, and allowing myself to remain in fear of losing these things instead of actually realizing fully that these are system creations, and for a moment it is requiered - no attachments necessary because eventually these manifestations will cease to exist - life does not need or desire anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have become addicted to food, eating and consuming

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I desire certain foods, I crave certains foods, I need this or that, I want this or that, because its pleasureable, make my life easier and more enjoyable - not seeing that I am consuming me - consuming life - and that I as who I really am has got no desires, no wants, no needs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and supported the consumption of life itself and that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind ignorance and blame to justify it

I forgive myself that I have actually allowed myself to believe that it is possible to hide from me as who I really am and what I have accepted and allowed within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience procrastination within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience need, wants, desires and addictions within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create excuses not to apply myself NOW in every moment of every breath

Till here NO further.

I let go.

I direct me in every moment of every breath no matter what to get it done and realize who I really am.
I STOP all participation within mind and direct myself accordingly.
I PUSH through all resistances - they do not exist - they are mind created illusions.
I am HERE in every moment of every breath. I STOP!

kill death

To release the fear of death:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that who I am is the picture representation of me instead of realizing that who I really am is limitless

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be attached to my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of death outside of me to beings in my life instead of facing my fears head on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear me

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that who I am will die with the death of my body instead of realizing that death does not exist - I am here - infinetly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry what would happen to the children if I die now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear the unknown

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sufferign and pain prior to death

anger and the root of it

tonight on the chat Andrea assisted me to actually see clearly, for the first time ever where my anger , immense anger that I have carried around within me for all my life originates from. So, Im going to uproot this anger and amalgate with it all, become equal and one to it:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have based my view on men on the anger and resentment I felt towards my father since he could never unconditionally love himself as me and unconditionally assist me and care for me as a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this anger within me through all my life, and actually have that anger be the base for all my relationships to men from then on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually have allowed myself to compound the anger for men even more based on the abuse by Lars when I was a child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so consumed by this anger towards men, the total betrayal that I experienced with all men I met, that all relationships were doomed from the start

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hate men

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be discusted by men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my anger out on all men I met so that I could make sure they all hated me and in that way I made sure they stayed away, I was "safe" instead of actually realizing that I was running away from me and what I have allowed

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to realize that my self abuse regarding men and relationships was hidden behind the illusion I created in my mind that I was using them, I was in control instead of seeing that anger was controlling me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually deny that there was also a part of me that still was this little girl, that was looking for her father, to take care of her, to nurture her, to look after her, be there for her, love her unconditionally hug her, laugh with her,
all that which was never there - hence I kept searching - looking - trying to find somethign to fill that void within me, instead of realizing that could never be found

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my father

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at men as inferiour and actually in general quite limited and stupid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate mysefl from men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from Lars

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain closed to never let any man see me as who I really am, building a wall, because no man was ever good enough to experience me, the essence of me - this part was alwasy sealed off - no man ever deemed good enough or worthy of experiencing that instead of allowing myself to realize that I was punishing me - continuing to abuse myself by allowing that within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear men

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider men strange, sex obsessed, dishonest, manipulative, self obsessed, ego manifestations - the very opposite of woman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed within polarities and in that actually support and assist the manifestation of polarization and separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so consumed by anger that I lost myself and remained in a loop with relationships based ón anger and resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress me as who i really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I needed a relationship of any kind

Till here no further:
I release all the anger within me. Anger - is me. One and equal. Anger is an illusion - a mind manifested system - not real.
Man - I - me - one and equal.
All that I have allowed within my life has been self created. It is all me, all I.
Men - women - children, all manifestations and all beings one and equal.
I embrace it all within me. I stand here- as all as one. I take responsability for me, for all as who I really am and for all I have allowed and accepted to exist.
And within this I stop. I do not allow or accept anything less than who I really am, than who we are as all as one in oneness and equality.

FeAr of DEATH

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that death exist - when in reality who we really are, are infinite

I forgive myself that I have aceppted and allowed myself to fear what will happen after death

I forgive myself taht I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that death might be painful and horrific

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that death will be painful and slow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being murdered, fall to my death, crash, burn to death, drown, suffocate, get strangled, mutilated, chopped to pieces, buried alive, shot, stabbed, cut, ripped to pieces, eaten by an animal, bleed to death, be driven over by a vehicle

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow worry within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disabled and apparently dependant on others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming insane, or a "vegetable" lying in a hospital bed, aware, but totally trapped in a physical prison and in that fearing being at others mercy and perhaps be abused or hurt

I forgive myself that I haven´t allowed and accepted myself to realize that we are already trapped in this physical prison , enslavement in 3d by our minds at the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my children

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my children will die before me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my childrens physical manifestation and picture presentation in 3d is who they really are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from my children - we are all one and equal beings - as all as one in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need anyone or anything outside of me to be able to function in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with me and judge myself for not trusting myself

Till here no further:

I do not allow my mind to control and influence me.
I do not allow or accept any fears, judgements, frustration, worries, anxieties, attachments, beliefs, that is not who I am.
I am life, as all as one in oneness and ezuality.
Thoughts, feelings, emotions and pictures are illusional creations by mind. It is impossible to fear something that does not exist.

It is done!