Bloody church hymns..

Ok - so yesterday, for the first time after christmas we went back to the "family choir" thing.

I just know that it wont be many more times we will be attending. At first it was fun or the kids to get together w otherkids, sing a bit (although it is run by the church so many of them are hymns for kids)

I sat there today thinking, damn - i do not think I can deal with this anymore.

The kids are running heywire anyway, it´s late in the afternoon and they´ve had a long day. You try to ask a child to sit still then and sing at that. One of the boys didnt even wanna go - so we will find something other music related to do.

I can´t continue with the bullshit it entails any longer. It´s a waste of time.

But then I had a thought, Im standing here face to face with this bloke, whom is clearly a christian to the core. I am looking him in the eyes, and I do this in full awareness of what is going on, how fucked he is in his beliefs, and that no doubt his life will contain a lot of hardship in times to come because of those beliefs.

And then I asked myself, when the day comes, will i be able to look him in the eyes without shame? Shame because I knew but never let him in on it. Because I was so certain within my mind that he would not ´get it´and lable me as posessed by some evil entety, and probably think I am mad. So I let my mind direct me then?

Because if I were free of mind, I would not even consider not having a proper talk to him about it, and just present him with som real "reality"..

Isnt this process about applying me in self honesty in every moment of every breath no matter what?

So why is it that i perceive it do be soo difficult to push throuh this particular one

Because o fear, fear of being hunted for it, judged, labelled, looked upon as weird and mad, and worry that the children might suffer because of it,'.

All fears.

So at what point do we all apply self honesty in application of every moment of our lives?

Brutal it is indeed....

I for´give myself that I have allowed myself to fear talkign to the choir leader about the fucked up religion he is indulging in and what his allowances are busy supporting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to tell me that it would be wrong to puncture his little bubble, after all who am I to try to "put him right" or rather let him see /allow him to wake up. In that totally forgetting that actually - should I instead allow it to continue , allow the self dishonesty and the deception. Would that not be the ultimate deception?!

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to dodge the responsability o others in my life and their personal process by trying to find ways of getting around it so that I can somehow present it to them but not do it face to face out of fear..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue allowing fear in my life when I know full well that fear DOES NOT EXIST

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow anything stand in the way of my process after all I as all as one has accepted and allowed, how can I do anyting but apply mysel in every moment when there are beings enduring suffering in every moment until this process is done

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become emotional when other beings do not apply themselves and dedicate themselves 100% to this process no matter what because noting can be more important since it is litterally a question of life and death, but not all seem to get this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still continue having thoughts, feelings and emotions and let those direct me instead of me as wo I really am , in onness and equality to all direct me and apply me accordingly so that we can all start living