Issues within

I´ve been feeling pretty shit lately. Like I said on the chat, not like myself at all, There was something there, lurking about, some issue or other that needed dealing with , I just could not put my finger on it, until Adele came along and assisted on the chat it triggered supressed stuff that might be what is causing it so we´ll see what comes out.....

Childbirth - hmmm yes - theres a lot o shit involved regarding this within me.
it has not even occured to me until now that actually this needs to be looked at.

I had three ceasarians. of which only the third was a planned one, because after having two they simply would not allow you to "risk" a natural birth.

The first one was extremely traumatic. I was overdue, it was my first child, I was in the UK, had no family around me, no friends or support, and for me at that point, family would have been the support I "needed", especially my mum.
(I had to stop here for a while, because it makes me sob just writing that out...)
I felt so lonely in that moment, I was surrounded by people in the hospital, but I have never felt lonelier in my entire life.
I was afraid of everything, I feared death, pain, the uncertanty of having a child, if the child would be ok, the responsability of having a child, but I hid all o this inside. The relationship was already then not working, and I felt zero support from that side. Which ofcourse compounded all I felt even more.
On top of this, the natural birth I so desired, simply did not want to happen. I didn´t dilate, so it was decided that an emergency ceasarian would be done.
In this room with me was my husband and this nurse or midwife. I remember lying there in the early stages while she and my husband were infused in this conversation, which seemed very intense, it was like I felt "forgotten"as I was lying there. i almost felt like I was in the way, which in turn just underlined what I already then had realised about that relationship. Sort o one of the ultimate betrayals...pretty shit realization to come to when you are lying there about to give birth, and the situation is too far gone already..
The sequence of happenings from then on are a it blury. I remember this nurse coming in to shave my pubic hair, because they were going to put the cut as low as they could.
That would have been fine, and somethign I would not have remembered if it were not for her comment as she pulled my pants down to do it; Oh, I see you have shaved, didn´t leave much down there for us did you..?" And I remember going WTF??? did she really say that... it was patronising. here I was lying exposed and voulnerable, in pain,with strangers doing thsi to me, and she blurts out something like that. I didn´t say anthing. I was in pain, and the pain was getting worse. When that is over they put a tube up to drain the urine because when you get an epidural, as I was going to have you cant control that anymore.

When all this is done they call for the nurse who is suppose to stick the needle inside your spine. By this time I am in agony. And this is where it ges really shitty.
The nurse they eventually get there, is very young and very inexperienced. I am told to sit on the bed, swing my legs over to the side and bend over as much as possible so that she can put the needle in the spine in the lower back(you try doing that with a tummy that is enormous). I was in so much pain that I was getting loud at this stage. And the nurse was struggeling to put the needle right, she couldnt find the right spot. All the time the pain just got worse. She must have put that needle in seven or so times, failing everytime, and there is chaos in this room. There are lots of nurses, someone is wiping my forehead while I scream, it is agony sitting like this, and also the fear and frustration of her not getting it in. They try to call for a senior doctor, but have to stop it, he cant be found, so they wheel me in an put me under anasteathics. It is difficult to put into words exactly how chaotic and traumatic it was- even one of the midwifes started crying. NOT a good experience.
I didn´t feel like a fellow human being, I felt like I was worth nothing, like I was just a problem that needed to be fixed. I vaguely remember change of personel in the middle of it. I bet they were happy to leave.
My next memory is waking up as the nurse comes in with the baby. He is wrapped up in a white cloth, so i just hold him there close to me, happy it is all over.
Then the surgion comes in and tells me that he has accidentally cut the babys head, cut a piece o the skin o as he was doing the ceasarian, and he shows me (I hadn´t realized up until this point) that he has got a small bandage at the back of his head, and he peels it of and shows me, it is maybe two-three centimeters wide and its bleeding slightly. He assures me the baby is fine, and that it will heal. I do not function properly yet, Im still in shock and dazed.
The next day one of these hospital representatives comes to my bed, and talks to me about the event. I cant remember exatly what was said, but he would file a rapport. And that was it.

You would have thought that after that, knowing all I did, you´d never have any more children. Well that´s when human nature beggars belief, and it goes to show that nothing but mind was running my life:

Next time around I am told it is ok to try for a natural birth so I opt for that, BAD BAD BAD choice. And i get pissed off when I think about it, if they had read my files, i doubt they would have suggested that, but perhaps not all was put in it, I still do not know to this day what is written in it, I was adviced by a midwife not to read it - (hmmmm go figure!)
I get induced and I am lying there alone in this room, a different hospital this time. (I swore i´d never put my foot in the first one ever again). The pain is starting to mount, but I am cool, and they give me gas, which I hold on to like my life depends on it.
I am alone though, I lie there for a couple o hours. They try to call my husband, but no matter how many times i give the number, they never get through.
So I start experiencing this fear again. I soo would like the support there, anyone, if just anyone could come in and sit by my side. Just hold my hand, or just BE there. But I suppose they are too busy...By the time they do get a hold of my husband it is past midnight, and I im in so much pain that I am begging him to just get me out of it,..to do whatever it takes because I cannot cope with this. The gas is doing no good, and I am given a few shots of some painkiller that does not help at all.
I bite so hard on the mouthpiece to the gas that I brake that and a piece of my front tooth.
I have never ever before experienced pain like it, and if i ever do again, I´ll end it. I was begging for anyone to just kill me- get it over with - I really did not care at that point HOW it stopped as long as it did. it is impossible to describe this pain, no words can, it would have to be experienced.
Eventually they take me out to put me to sleep again, and I am so relieved. i beg them to hurry up - and I remember being lifted up on the operating table, stiff like a board litterally from the pain, and experiencing such gratitude because I know, in a moment it will be over.
I do not wish for any woman or anyone else on this planet to ever have to experience that pain. It is totally unacceptable. If I could have had God there then, if the son of a bitch had existed, i would have killed the fucker then and there!

The third time I go straight in for surgery. it is all smooth, apart from having serious trouble waking up afterwards, they had a struggle to get me back.
I remember being hooked up to this machine checking my blood pressure constantly, but I was in and out of it. I came to occationally when the machine alarmed the personell and they came running. This happened a few times. I had a drain put in the wound which was connected to this bottle that I had to drag around with me. I spent five days in hospital,pumped full of morphine through my hand to take away any pain, for the first day or two. I remember having this button to press to up the dose a bit and I pressed that bloody button as much as I could.One day they came to remove the drain. When i got the question: "Do you want us to do it fast or slow?" I went oooh shit -noooo not good!! This is gonna hurt! If anyone on that ward was sleeping- I woke them up!!!!

So , in a nutshell - that is my memory of the childbirths i went through.
The scar is not big, but for years I had very sharp pains from it. They claimed it was because of scar tissue underneath the skin. I am still aware of it.

I realise that apart from the physical pain, there is much more lurking underneath, such as the non existant relationship to my husband. And the total lack of support, as in emotional, unconditional unselfish support, and an attempt to put self in my situation as to understand and maybe assist in any way, but I was never gonna get that from him, and I knew that, I realized that the very first day when I knew I was pregnant and told him the news. i will never, ever forget the response and reaction. His answer to the positive test was: Oh FUCK! and then he swiftly turned around and started walking to his office. From that moment I knew that relationship was never going to be an assisting and supportive one, but then it was in my head "too late".
No , in fact, I knew from the very beginning that it was not meant to be. And i know the reasons to why I held on anyway, I´m not so sure he knows why he did, because I´d be surprised if he actually on a deeper level really looked at it considred our relationship to be what he desired in one...
Why do people stay in raltionships even though they know itll never work??
Why do you keep on trying, keep on hoping? You know within you, but you choose to supress that - thinking it´ll be allright, all will be ok - yeah right!

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to still contain memories of my childbirths and all the traumatic experiences that they entailed instead of releasing them and letting them go- by keeping them I am simply holding on to and living in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel worthy, not feel worthy of being loved for who I am unconditionally, and acknowleged for who I am as a person within the relationship to Chris not realizing that it was my mind needing all those things, me as who I really am do not need anyting or anyone outside of self since all is one and equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need a relationship in life to be able to function as a human being and to be content when in reality I do not need anyting outside of me

I forgive mysel that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear taking responsbility for me and my experiences and blaming anyone else for what I experience inside of me on something outside and separate from me - not realizing it is because of my allowances as my mind CONsciousness sytem that is experiencing this and not who I am as life as all as one and equal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame anything or anyone else but my mind or all my experiences in the past on mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need my mother for support not realizing that my mother is a system placement in my life, created as all family, and friend manifestations to enslave and maintain belief of separation and inferiority and fear of loss- my mother is one and equal to me as life as all as one and equal as are all being in my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted fear or responsability in my life for me and of me and my life

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I can be lost, alone, separated, lose control, less than, unwanted, unattractive, lonely, sad, unhappy, regretful - only mind experience these - mind is a consciousness creation and not who I really am.
Till here no further. I am not allowing mind to control me or trap me wihtin memories.
I release all memories of my past since they were all based in and of mind and hence all illusionary . I am here. I am stable. I am life as all as one and equal.